Dear Prudence,
I’ve been happily married for nearly 10 years. We have three kids and full-time jobs. Even back when we were dating, my now-spouse never really initiated sex. Since the first kid came along, we have less alone time, unless we have an overnight getaway and hire sitters. At some point, I realized that we only have sex when I initiate it. We’ve talked about it a dozen times over the last few years, again at my initiation. I’ve explained that I don’t mind initiating sometimes, but I don’t want to do it all the time because it makes me feel that I’m not desired. He says he doesn’t want to risk “pressuring” me. I said that’s not an issue, but nothing’s changed. The last time we spoke about it, a year ago, I said I want to see a therapist about it, but he refused and said he thought we could figure it out.
Now he waits for a signal of interest from me before initiating, which still feels like I’m effectively initiating. If I don’t get things started, we can go months without sex. (Yes, sadly, I tested that theory.) We’ve also tried the “designated nights of the week” approach, and again, if I “signaled” on those nights, we had sex; if not, he let the night pass without a word.
So I gave up. Now we have sex about once a month, because that’s about all I can muster in terms of initiating. When we do have sex, it is good, and we often joke that “we should do it more often.” But I want him to take the lead occasionally. Should I initiate yet another talk, and do it differently? I don’t know what else to do.
—Spouse Never Initiates Sex