Questioning coming out

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

Last spring I began formally identifying as nonbinary. Since coming out to myself, I’ve come out to my husband and two close friends, which went fine—great, even. I’m now finding myself wanting to come out to my larger group of friends, considering I’m making some changes in how I present and would prefer to use gender-neutral pronouns, but I’m having trouble feeling justified in doing so. I don’t currently plan to change my name, start hormone replacement therapy, or undergo surgery. My friends are open-minded and loving, and I’m sure if I were to come out as binary trans they would be happy and supportive. But I don’t know how they’ll react when presented with something less “cut and dried” than a binary transition. I still have a lot of internalized doubt and fear about my identity, and it’s making it really difficult to move forward with the people I’m close to. (I should go to therapy for this, but I’m not sure where to start or what I would talk about if I got there.) Do you have any advice on how to broach this subject with my friends? This is devastatingly important to me, so how can I convince myself that it’s “worth” bringing up with them?

—Trans Enough to Come Out?

MissKittyDanger

Does LW know how their friends feel about nonbinary in general? That might give an idea how they're react when LW talks to them about it.

Maybe have the ones who know start using the preferred pronouns - especially around others - and someone may ask or use it as well. At least it would be a way to start the conversation.

charlotte989875

I think therapy is a great place to start; and you start by saying exactly what you wrote to Prudie.

I also think it's absolutely worth bringing up to friends and family, if that's what LW wants. If they don't understand nonbinary identity, it might require explaining to them, but if the friends/family would be supportive a binary trans I would hope they would also be supportive here. 

short+sassy

charlotte989875 said:

I think therapy is a great place to start; and you start by saying exactly what you wrote to Prudie.

I also think it's absolutely worth bringing up to friends and family, if that's what LW wants. If they don't understand nonbinary identity, it might require explaining to them, but if the friends/family would be supportive a binary trans I would hope they would also be supportive here. 

I would hope that there would also be some understanding, going both ways.

I know for me, I'm a very open-minded "live and let live" kind of person.  But, at the same time, different sexual and gender identities are not something I'm exposed to a lot.

If a friend came out to me that they are non-binary, I would definitely be supportive!  But they'd need to tell me what that was first.

I'm guessing from the context of the letter is that it is someone who does not identify as male or female?

I would also do my best to use pronouns that are that person's preference.  But it would be a CONSCIOUS thought for me, for a long time.  As opposed to pronouns I use naturally.  I would probably make mistakes sometimes and I'd hope my friend would be understanding of that also.  Correct me, but not be angry or offended.

OliveOilsMom

Therapy for sure.  LW should reach out to LGBT+ organizations, they may be able to get therapist recommendations for them.  I know therapy is a requirement if a person wants to undergo a sex change operation, so a therapist who specialize in gender identify are out there!

If LW doesn't want to go into the entire non-binary discussion with the larger friend group yet, I think they could start with requesting that proper pronouns be used when referencing LW.  For me, that would not be an immediate "Why?" if I were told that casually by a friend.  But I also live in a larger metropolitan area that skews liberal.  If LW lives in a less tolerant area, just asking for a pronoun change may come with further questioning.

southernbelle0915

If it's "devastatingly important" and you know therapy is best, then do it. IDK how this person (and many others) thinks writing to Prudie can come close to talking through things face-to-face with a professional. Pick a therapist who is well recommended in the LGBT community and just start talking.

VarunaTT

Find a support group for non-binary identities and start reading b/c when LW comes out, LW will need to educate people on what that means and how what it means related to LW.  Nonbinary is one a lot of people struggle with (hell, I do but it's b/c I've been forced to think about my cisgender-ness and I am as convinced of my cis-ness as a transperson is of their trans-ness and being outside of that binary is hard to understand).  There's lot of stuff out there now and a support group will help LW. 

I don't necessarily think the LW needs therapy.  They know their identity and are comfortable about it, they just need the tools to start telling people.

K is nonbinary and has no intention of changing anything physically about themselves.  (P.S. You don't have to do anything medical/physical to fall under the trans-umbrella, even if you're a transman/woman, your identity is not your surgeries or medical history).  K does use they/them/theirs.  

Here's the thing, folx:  You're going to flub up the pronouns.  Accepting that is the first step.  When it happens, don't make a big deal about it.  Correct yourself and move on in the conversation.  Correct yourself even when the person isn't in the room (unless you're having to code-switch b/c they're not out to everyone).  Correct yourself when you're thinking about the person in your head.  It will get easier with time and practice.  I haven't ever had one person who was mad that I flubbed up, corrected myself, and kept going.  I don't even say, Oh sorry, I simply say, "oh he..she blah blah blah".  And if it's really hard, just go back to using their name instead of the pronoun (I do that a lot with nonbinary identities b/c it's easier for me).  They're mad when you consistently and repeatedly don't remember the correct pronoun or correction...b/c that is a choice and a disrespectful one.

MissKittyDanger

@VarunaTT I'm glad you clarified, because tbh if I met someone who identified as nonbinary, I would be/am paranoid about offending them!
I know this person who looking back may have been nonbinary, but because my mum and I were unsure of how they identified we would use their name when referring to them in person or to someone else.