LW learned a buzzword and thinks it applies to them. It does not.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I have an 18-year-old child who is very critical. “Chris” is bipolar (like me) and loves attention. They say they are transgender, but while I am a huge LGBT rights supporter, I don’t see it. They have started criticizing everything I do, saying that I am not being a parent and that they have to parent me. Chris’ stepdad disagrees, and grown-ups who meet Chris think it is an attention grab. Granted, while Chris’ dad and I were getting divorced, I went through a period during which I drank a lot. However, I am now in a stable relationship and rarely drink. Chris is undermining my confidence as a mother, and I am not sure how to deal with the situation. I am in therapy, as is Chris. I feel like Chris is trying to make me think I am a failure as a mom, and it is deeply upsetting.

—I Think My Kid Is Gaslighting Me

Ro041

"They say they are transgender...but I don't see it."  Gee, I wonder why Chris hates you...

kimmiinthemitten

I am so confused. Is the letter about Chris, LW, the stepfather....

charlotte989875

You don't believe your child when they disclose something personal about their identity. 

You admit to having "drank a lot". 

Your child experienced his parents getting a divorce. 

You are talking about your child to other adults about them grabbing attention. 

Maybe Chris isn't the problem here? They are 18 and have experienced a lot. Be patient and stop making this about you. 

southernbelle0915

So um, you have a teenager...?

mrsconn23

Yes, Chris may love attention...but you sound like you do too, LW.  

Also, it's funny how LW doesn't see that they're belittling Chris just like Chris is belittling them. 

And seriously, fuck off with your "I support LGBT rights" and then dismiss your child's identity.  That's the same as saying, "I have a black friend!" when people tell you that what you're saying/implying/supporting is racist. 

banana468

southernbelle0915 said:

So um, you have a teenager...?

Yeah.   And find a new therapist if you don't "see it". 

VarunaTT

short+sassy

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,

I have an 18-year-old child who is very critical. “Chris” is bipolar (like me) and loves attention. They say they are transgender, but while I am a huge LGBT rights supporter, I don’t see it. They have started criticizing everything I do, saying that I am not being a parent and that they have to parent me. Chris’ stepdad disagrees, and grown-ups who meet Chris think it is an attention grab. Granted, while Chris’ dad and I were getting divorced, I went through a period during which I drank a lot. However, I am now in a stable relationship and rarely drink. Chris is undermining my confidence as a mother, and I am not sure how to deal with the situation. I am in therapy, as is Chris. I feel like Chris is trying to make me think I am a failure as a mom, and it is deeply upsetting.

—I Think My Kid Is Gaslighting Me

So much that is confusing!  Who is "they", lol?  Chris and his stepdad?  Who exactly is the stepdad, since she is in a stable relationship?  A 2nd ex-H of hers?  Chris's dad's husband?  And, for either one of those situations, why would she even care if they criticize her?  Why would she even be around that person enough for them to criticize her? 

I think the LW is gaslighting us! 

MRDCle

short+sassy said:

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,

I have an 18-year-old child who is very critical. “Chris” is bipolar (like me) and loves attention. They say they are transgender, but while I am a huge LGBT rights supporter, I don’t see it. They have started criticizing everything I do, saying that I am not being a parent and that they have to parent me. Chris’ stepdad disagrees, and grown-ups who meet Chris think it is an attention grab. Granted, while Chris’ dad and I were getting divorced, I went through a period during which I drank a lot. However, I am now in a stable relationship and rarely drink. Chris is undermining my confidence as a mother, and I am not sure how to deal with the situation. I am in therapy, as is Chris. I feel like Chris is trying to make me think I am a failure as a mom, and it is deeply upsetting.

—I Think My Kid Is Gaslighting Me

So much that is confusing!  Who is "they", lol?  Chris and his stepdad?  Who exactly is the stepdad, since she is in a stable relationship?  A 2nd ex-H of hers?  Chris's dad's husband?  And, for either one of those situations, why would she even care if they criticize her?  Why would she even be around that person enough for them to criticize her? 

I think the LW is gaslighting us! 

I think LW is trying to avoid using male/female pronouns because LW doubts that Chris is actually transgender. 

ShesSoCold

short+sassy said:

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,

I have an 18-year-old child who is very critical. “Chris” is bipolar (like me) and loves attention. They say they are transgender, but while I am a huge LGBT rights supporter, I don’t see it. They have started criticizing everything I do, saying that I am not being a parent and that they have to parent me. Chris’ stepdad disagrees, and grown-ups who meet Chris think it is an attention grab. Granted, while Chris’ dad and I were getting divorced, I went through a period during which I drank a lot. However, I am now in a stable relationship and rarely drink. Chris is undermining my confidence as a mother, and I am not sure how to deal with the situation. I am in therapy, as is Chris. I feel like Chris is trying to make me think I am a failure as a mom, and it is deeply upsetting.

—I Think My Kid Is Gaslighting Me

So much that is confusing!  Who is "they", lol?  Chris and his stepdad?  Who exactly is the stepdad, since she is in a stable relationship?  A 2nd ex-H of hers?  Chris's dad's husband?  And, for either one of those situations, why would she even care if they criticize her?  Why would she even be around that person enough for them to criticize her? 

I think the LW is gaslighting us! 

"They" is a pronoun for people who choose not to go by gender-specific pronouns. So LW is referring to Chris.

I read it as LW is in a stable relationship with the stepdad. I think LW brought SD up as a way to back herself up as a "good mom".

I didn't get any indication to any partner of Chris' dad, male or female.

I think you're confusing yourself, LOL.

short+sassy

ShesSoCold said:

short+sassy said:

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,

I have an 18-year-old child who is very critical. “Chris” is bipolar (like me) and loves attention. They say they are transgender, but while I am a huge LGBT rights supporter, I don’t see it. They have started criticizing everything I do, saying that I am not being a parent and that they have to parent me. Chris’ stepdad disagrees, and grown-ups who meet Chris think it is an attention grab. Granted, while Chris’ dad and I were getting divorced, I went through a period during which I drank a lot. However, I am now in a stable relationship and rarely drink. Chris is undermining my confidence as a mother, and I am not sure how to deal with the situation. I am in therapy, as is Chris. I feel like Chris is trying to make me think I am a failure as a mom, and it is deeply upsetting.

—I Think My Kid Is Gaslighting Me

So much that is confusing!  Who is "they", lol?  Chris and his stepdad?  Who exactly is the stepdad, since she is in a stable relationship?  A 2nd ex-H of hers?  Chris's dad's husband?  And, for either one of those situations, why would she even care if they criticize her?  Why would she even be around that person enough for them to criticize her? 

I think the LW is gaslighting us! 

"They" is a pronoun for people who choose not to go by gender-specific pronouns. So LW is referring to Chris.

I read it as LW is in a stable relationship with the stepdad. I think LW brought SD up as a way to back herself up as a "good mom".

I didn't get any indication to any partner of Chris' dad, male or female.

I think you're confusing yourself, LOL.

Always a possibility, lol.

I didn't realize "they" is a common pronoun for people who chose not to go by gender-specific pronouns.  Totally makes sense now!  Thanks, that is a big solve for most of what I was confused about, lol.

I think what threw me is she referred to her H as "Chris's stepdad", instead of just calling him her husband.  And then the fact that I thought she was talking about two different people amplified that.  But I can see now where she may have used the phrase "Chris's stepdad" as opposed to "my husband", as a way to differentiate that man from Chris's bio-dad.

mrsconn23

short+sassy said:

ShesSoCold said:

short+sassy said:

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,

I have an 18-year-old child who is very critical. “Chris” is bipolar (like me) and loves attention. They say they are transgender, but while I am a huge LGBT rights supporter, I don’t see it. They have started criticizing everything I do, saying that I am not being a parent and that they have to parent me. Chris’ stepdad disagrees, and grown-ups who meet Chris think it is an attention grab. Granted, while Chris’ dad and I were getting divorced, I went through a period during which I drank a lot. However, I am now in a stable relationship and rarely drink. Chris is undermining my confidence as a mother, and I am not sure how to deal with the situation. I am in therapy, as is Chris. I feel like Chris is trying to make me think I am a failure as a mom, and it is deeply upsetting.

—I Think My Kid Is Gaslighting Me

So much that is confusing!  Who is "they", lol?  Chris and his stepdad?  Who exactly is the stepdad, since she is in a stable relationship?  A 2nd ex-H of hers?  Chris's dad's husband?  And, for either one of those situations, why would she even care if they criticize her?  Why would she even be around that person enough for them to criticize her? 

I think the LW is gaslighting us! 

"They" is a pronoun for people who choose not to go by gender-specific pronouns. So LW is referring to Chris.

I read it as LW is in a stable relationship with the stepdad. I think LW brought SD up as a way to back herself up as a "good mom".

I didn't get any indication to any partner of Chris' dad, male or female.

I think you're confusing yourself, LOL.

Always a possibility, lol.

I didn't realize "they" is a common pronoun for people who chose not to go by gender-specific pronouns.  Totally makes sense now!  Thanks, that is a big solve for most of what I was confused about, lol.

I think what threw me is she referred to her H as "Chris's stepdad", instead of just calling him her husband.  And then the fact that I thought she was talking about two different people amplified that.  But I can see now where she may have used the phrase "Chris's stepdad" as opposed to "my husband", as a way to differentiate that man from Chris's bio-dad.

The letter is definitely clear as mud since the LW can't write a cohesive sentence to save their life.  I was confused about the stepdad part too. 

ShesSoCold

short+sassy said:

ShesSoCold said:

short+sassy said:

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,

I have an 18-year-old child who is very critical. “Chris” is bipolar (like me) and loves attention. They say they are transgender, but while I am a huge LGBT rights supporter, I don’t see it. They have started criticizing everything I do, saying that I am not being a parent and that they have to parent me. Chris’ stepdad disagrees, and grown-ups who meet Chris think it is an attention grab. Granted, while Chris’ dad and I were getting divorced, I went through a period during which I drank a lot. However, I am now in a stable relationship and rarely drink. Chris is undermining my confidence as a mother, and I am not sure how to deal with the situation. I am in therapy, as is Chris. I feel like Chris is trying to make me think I am a failure as a mom, and it is deeply upsetting.

—I Think My Kid Is Gaslighting Me

So much that is confusing!  Who is "they", lol?  Chris and his stepdad?  Who exactly is the stepdad, since she is in a stable relationship?  A 2nd ex-H of hers?  Chris's dad's husband?  And, for either one of those situations, why would she even care if they criticize her?  Why would she even be around that person enough for them to criticize her? 

I think the LW is gaslighting us! 

"They" is a pronoun for people who choose not to go by gender-specific pronouns. So LW is referring to Chris.

I read it as LW is in a stable relationship with the stepdad. I think LW brought SD up as a way to back herself up as a "good mom".

I didn't get any indication to any partner of Chris' dad, male or female.

I think you're confusing yourself, LOL.

Always a possibility, lol.

I didn't realize "they" is a common pronoun for people who chose not to go by gender-specific pronouns.  Totally makes sense now!  Thanks, that is a big solve for most of what I was confused about, lol.

I think what threw me is she referred to her H as "Chris's stepdad", instead of just calling him her husband.  And then the fact that I thought she was talking about two different people amplified that.  But I can see now where she may have used the phrase "Chris's stepdad" as opposed to "my husband", as a way to differentiate that man from Chris's bio-dad.

Yeah it's super wordy and I had to read it a couple times.

I think I understand the cast of characters, but I still don't get what LW's actual question is. LOL

mrsconn23

ShesSoCold said:

short+sassy said:

ShesSoCold said:

short+sassy said:

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,

I have an 18-year-old child who is very critical. “Chris” is bipolar (like me) and loves attention. They say they are transgender, but while I am a huge LGBT rights supporter, I don’t see it. They have started criticizing everything I do, saying that I am not being a parent and that they have to parent me. Chris’ stepdad disagrees, and grown-ups who meet Chris think it is an attention grab. Granted, while Chris’ dad and I were getting divorced, I went through a period during which I drank a lot. However, I am now in a stable relationship and rarely drink. Chris is undermining my confidence as a mother, and I am not sure how to deal with the situation. I am in therapy, as is Chris. I feel like Chris is trying to make me think I am a failure as a mom, and it is deeply upsetting.

—I Think My Kid Is Gaslighting Me

So much that is confusing!  Who is "they", lol?  Chris and his stepdad?  Who exactly is the stepdad, since she is in a stable relationship?  A 2nd ex-H of hers?  Chris's dad's husband?  And, for either one of those situations, why would she even care if they criticize her?  Why would she even be around that person enough for them to criticize her? 

I think the LW is gaslighting us! 

"They" is a pronoun for people who choose not to go by gender-specific pronouns. So LW is referring to Chris.

I read it as LW is in a stable relationship with the stepdad. I think LW brought SD up as a way to back herself up as a "good mom".

I didn't get any indication to any partner of Chris' dad, male or female.

I think you're confusing yourself, LOL.

Always a possibility, lol.

I didn't realize "they" is a common pronoun for people who chose not to go by gender-specific pronouns.  Totally makes sense now!  Thanks, that is a big solve for most of what I was confused about, lol.

I think what threw me is she referred to her H as "Chris's stepdad", instead of just calling him her husband.  And then the fact that I thought she was talking about two different people amplified that.  But I can see now where she may have used the phrase "Chris's stepdad" as opposed to "my husband", as a way to differentiate that man from Chris's bio-dad.

Yeah it's super wordy and I had to read it a couple times.

I think I understand the cast of characters, but I still don't get what LW's actual question is. LOL

She wants to believe her son isn't transgender, be able to tell him that, try to get other people to agree with her, but she wants to think she's still a good mother and Chris shouldn't think (or tell her) otherwise.  Oh and throw in some mental illness and messy relationships (including a divorce from Chris' dad) on LW's behalf.  Oh and she supports LGBT causes, so don't call her a bigot. 

ShesSoCold

mrsconn23 said:

ShesSoCold said:

short+sassy said:

ShesSoCold said:

short+sassy said:

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,

I have an 18-year-old child who is very critical. “Chris” is bipolar (like me) and loves attention. They say they are transgender, but while I am a huge LGBT rights supporter, I don’t see it. They have started criticizing everything I do, saying that I am not being a parent and that they have to parent me. Chris’ stepdad disagrees, and grown-ups who meet Chris think it is an attention grab. Granted, while Chris’ dad and I were getting divorced, I went through a period during which I drank a lot. However, I am now in a stable relationship and rarely drink. Chris is undermining my confidence as a mother, and I am not sure how to deal with the situation. I am in therapy, as is Chris. I feel like Chris is trying to make me think I am a failure as a mom, and it is deeply upsetting.

—I Think My Kid Is Gaslighting Me

So much that is confusing!  Who is "they", lol?  Chris and his stepdad?  Who exactly is the stepdad, since she is in a stable relationship?  A 2nd ex-H of hers?  Chris's dad's husband?  And, for either one of those situations, why would she even care if they criticize her?  Why would she even be around that person enough for them to criticize her? 

I think the LW is gaslighting us! 

"They" is a pronoun for people who choose not to go by gender-specific pronouns. So LW is referring to Chris.

I read it as LW is in a stable relationship with the stepdad. I think LW brought SD up as a way to back herself up as a "good mom".

I didn't get any indication to any partner of Chris' dad, male or female.

I think you're confusing yourself, LOL.

Always a possibility, lol.

I didn't realize "they" is a common pronoun for people who chose not to go by gender-specific pronouns.  Totally makes sense now!  Thanks, that is a big solve for most of what I was confused about, lol.

I think what threw me is she referred to her H as "Chris's stepdad", instead of just calling him her husband.  And then the fact that I thought she was talking about two different people amplified that.  But I can see now where she may have used the phrase "Chris's stepdad" as opposed to "my husband", as a way to differentiate that man from Chris's bio-dad.

Yeah it's super wordy and I had to read it a couple times.

I think I understand the cast of characters, but I still don't get what LW's actual question is. LOL

She wants to believe her son isn't transgender, be able to tell him that, try to get other people to agree with her, but she wants to think she's still a good mother and Chris shouldn't think (or tell her) otherwise.  Oh and throw in some mental illness and messy relationships (including a divorce from Chris' dad) on LW's behalf.  Oh and she supports LGBT causes, so don't call her a bigot. 

LOL!

What was Prudie's response?

mrsconn23

I don’t think that you know Chris’ gender identity better than Chris does, and setting yourself up as the arbiter of whether someone else is “really” transgender does not make you a supporter of LGBT rights. I don’t know what you mean by “grown-ups who meet Chris think it is an attention grab,” but I can’t imagine why you think it would help Chris to have a series of adult strangers weigh in on the topic. Nor do I think that wanting attention—especially as a teenager who’s already gone through their parents’ divorce, a parent’s drinking problem, and a significant mental health diagnosis—is inherently a bad thing or that it renders Chris’s transgender identity suspect. I’m glad you’ve been able to stop drinking excessively, and I’m glad you’re both in therapy, but I think it will help to reconsider some of the premises you’re working with right now. Rather than setting yourself up as the gatekeeper of Chris’s gender identity, I think you’ll get better results if you ask questions and listen with an open mind.

Jen4948

Chris seems to be a chip off the old block when it comes to attention.

I wouldn't want the LW as a parent either.

MesmrEwe

LW is "I'm trying to be the hip Mom and failing MISERABLY and my kid is telling me so and I don't want to admit to failure because that would be going far deeper than I'm prepared into my own diagnosis.." Breakthroughs for change are SO HARD sometimes!  Even when they're lovingly coming from a person like Chris in the "Should have had a V8!" technique method (and the people enabling/validating LW to boot!)..  All I can think is that therapist is laughing all the way to the bank with the quality of job security.