Stop going to family dinner as a start?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I am the oldest of four girls. I have never been married and have not dated in five years. I have a great career, own two homes, and have several cats. I am happy. This is of the greatest concern to my family. My “spinsterhood” is the topic of conversation at every family meal. Two of my sisters are divorced (one twice!), and one has been legally separated four times from her drunk-driving spouse, but the state of my life is the topic of worry. I love my nieces and nephews. I love my sisters. But I feel betrayed when they chime in with our parents about how I need to “get out there and find a good man.” I like my life. No matter how I state this, it gets pushed aside because I am not following the approved script.

The last time my family was all together, I lost my temper and told everyone at the table that I shouldn’t bother trying to find a good man, since none of them could land one. I admit it was vicious, but I am tired of “crazy cat lady” jokes and concerns about my dating life. I have been a good sister and auntie—I have done years of free baby-sitting, given money under the table for lawyers, and even taken my sisters into my home until they have gotten on their feet. How do I get my family to be happy for me instead of using me as the family punchline?

—Happy Cat Lady

charlotte989875

Stop going to dinner. 

But also stop judging your sisters; you're complaining that they pass judgment on your life & choices, so don't do it them. 

ShesSoCold

charlotte989875 said:

Stop going to dinner. 

But also stop judging your sisters; you're complaining that they pass judgment on your life & choices, so don't do it them. 

BOOM. Spot on.

southernbelle0915

"All - If you continue to pass judgement on my life choices, I am going to stop coming to these dinners. I don't want to stop coming, but your comments sour the experience for me to the point that I feel sad and frustrated when I leave. I don't deserve to feel that way after time with family." 

Then follow through.

Ro041

I feel like blowing up on them is a good start, TBH.  (I am only half joking.  Sometimes people don't realize they are being cruel).

southernbelle0915

Or just start talking about your cats like your sisters talk about their husbands...

"What about finding a good man?"
"I thought I had one.... but Fluffy has been such a bad boy. We're fighting. He got high on cat nip and drove again. Now he's living in the basement until I told him he can come home. This is the fourth time. Obviously I won't leave him and this is all for show, but...."
"That's not funny. Why aren't you dating?"
"Simba is no better than the cat I traded him in for. We just cannot work out our differences. He leaves his litter all over the floor and tracks it onto the couch. I've told him so many times not to. I just don't think he respects me. Whenever I make his favorite Fancy Feast, he never says thank you. And I'm getting really sick of petting him all the time and getting nothing in return. I think I'm going to exchange him...again...for a third cat."

MissKittyDanger

charlotte989875 said:

Stop going to dinner. 

But also stop judging your sisters; you're complaining that they pass judgment on your life & choices, so don't do it them. 

Once more for the people in the back!

MissKittyDanger

southernbelle0915 said:

Or just start talking about your cats like your sisters talk about their husbands...

"What about finding a good man?"
"I thought I had one.... but Fluffy has been such a bad boy. We're fighting. He got high on cat nip and drove again. Now he's living in the basement until I told him he can come home. This is the fourth time. Obviously I won't leave him and this is all for show, but...."
"That's not funny. Why aren't you dating?"
"Simba is no better than the cat I traded him in for. We just cannot work out our differences. He leaves his litter all over the floor and tracks it onto the couch. I've told him so many times not to. I just don't think he respects me. Whenever I make his favorite Fancy Feast, he never says thank you. And I'm getting really sick of petting him all the time and getting nothing in return. I think I'm going to exchange him...again...for a third cat."

I'm laughing at this entire thing :') I would 100% do this!

short+sassy

charlotte989875 said:

Stop going to dinner. 

But also stop judging your sisters; you're complaining that they pass judgment on your life & choices, so don't do it them. 

Although I have to regretfully say that you are morally correct.

I was LMAO at her response, "I shouldn’t bother trying to find a good man, since none of you can land one."  I thought it was awesome and won't even pretend that I wouldn't say something similar.  Not even so much as judgement on them...because I get the vibe that the LW has probably been a shoulder to cry on and given them helpful advice about their relationships...but more as a wake-up call as to what it's LIKE to be the one being judged.

kerbohl

Being single is a perfectly good life choice when it comes to happiness.  Not everyone wants to be a duo. I wish the world would just figure out that happiness isn't one-size-fits-all for anything.

ernursej

My sister’s in laws are this way with me and H re: kids I told H that he was excused from dinner invites at my sister’s house. They still pester me but it doesn’t bother me as much as it bothered H. Stop going to dinner once you have mentioned the consequences of them continuing to discuss her singleness.