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Wedding Party

Uncertain/Bridesmaid Issue

I'm really hoping someone here can give me some advice. I have asked my best friend of over 20 years to be in my wedding party. We've known each other since I was in fifth grade and she was in sixth. Since I've asked her though, it has been difficult to pin her down about (1) a budget for her dress and (2) getting her to go shopping with me for her dress. I had initially asked her to be my maid of honor, but when she informed me that she would need to know approximately 10 weeks in advance when my fittings, etc. would be, I reluctantly asked her to step down as my maid of honor, which she did without much of a fuss. But even now, she is being difficult to pin down for the budget and dress. 

I'm really worried I'm going to lose my best friend over getting married. My fiance, parents, sister, and I are all really worried she may bail on me the day of the wedding. Can anyone offer any advice as to how to handle this???? Anything you can suggest will mean the absolute world to me! 

Thanks!  <3

Re: Uncertain/Bridesmaid Issue

  • MRDCleMRDCle member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Why did she need to know when your fittings were? As long as she knew the wedding date she should have been golden. I imagine she’s being evasive because she might be upset at being asked to be MoH and then demoted. 
    eileenrobshort+sassyInLoveInQueensahoywedding
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm really hoping someone here can give me some advice. I have asked my best friend of over 20 years to be in my wedding party. We've known each other since I was in fifth grade and she was in sixth. Since I've asked her though, it has been difficult to pin her down about (1) a budget for her dress and (2) getting her to go shopping with me for her dress. I had initially asked her to be my maid of honor, but when she informed me that she would need to know approximately 10 weeks in advance when my fittings, etc. would be, I reluctantly asked her to step down as my maid of honor, which she did without much of a fuss. But even now, she is being difficult to pin down for the budget and dress. 

    I'm really worried I'm going to lose my best friend over getting married. My fiance, parents, sister, and I are all really worried she may bail on me the day of the wedding. Can anyone offer any advice as to how to handle this???? Anything you can suggest will mean the absolute world to me! 

    Thanks!  <3

    Why does she need to go shopping with you? What is her work/school schedule like? I'd suggest you ask her to pick a dress in X color. I'm sure she can handle it on her own time, and will be happier because it will be easier to find something that fits and flatters her. Then she doesn't have to nail down a budget for you.

    I like my best friend, but shopping with the premise that her opinion on what she likes on my body takes precedence wouldn't be a super fun experience. She definitely didn't need to go dress shopping with you for your dress. It can be fun to have people if they can make it, but if they can't it shouldn't be a big deal. Your "demotion" made a small thing bigger than her friendship and role in your life. If she's hurt, I understand.

    Honestly, the way not to lose a friend over this is to be a friend and not make it all about you. Why are you worried she'll bail on you the day of the wedding? What would be the worst case scenario if she did? I'm certain you could still get married. Your wedding will never be quite as important to anyone else, best friend or not, as it is to you - and that makes perfect sense. If she feels like you're asking her to put important things in her life (e.g. school) behind actually minor things in your life (e.g. dress shopping) or risk some kind of status demotion, then she probably also feels like you are asking for attention and care you're not willing to give her.

    Anniversary

    InLoveInQueensahoywedding
  • Okay, it seems like I didn't explain myself clearly enough. Of course, when I wrote my initial post last night, I was deep in the throes of deep depression over everything that is going on. I have talked with her multiple times about everything that is going on, making sure she understood what was going on and that I am not solely thinking as a bride. 

    My best friend is working for a big box retailer part-time. She is also an uncompensated volunteer for a convention and is a director of one of their departments. I already have my wedding dress and am literally waiting for it to come in after being special ordered. 

    I have been desperately trying to coordinate everything so that it would fit everyone's schedule, including hers. My request to my bridesmaids in state where I live is that I can see the bridesmaid/MOH dress on their body or that they get me pictures. Initially, I was going to do mix-matched dresses, but I have since changed my mind. 

    There is also some concern that, in an effort to save money, she may attempt to make her own dress. The concern there is that (1) her creations aren't exactly the highest quality and (2) that the fabric will not match the rest of the dresses. 

    I am using a wedding planner and she strongly encourages me to at least have my maid of honor at my final fitting to ensure that she knows how to do the bustle. I asked my best friend if she would be able to do that, as well as assisting with the other maid of honor duties. She said she didn't know if she could and said that if I had someone else to step up, to ask them to do so. 

    I hope I'm not coming off as a bridezilla here, but my heart is absolutely breaking. I am hopeful that we will be able to overcome this obstacle and remain friends. 
     
  • Well, ladies. I will say this now. Thanks for making me feel like a horrible person. I guess this is the last time I will turn to this community for help. 
  • Oh, please!  You were given good advice.  To bad you decided not to take it.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    MobKazdowntondivaMesmrEweInLoveInQueens
  • Well, ladies. I will say this now. Thanks for making me feel like a horrible person. I guess this is the last time I will turn to this community for help. 
    Lol. Well we’ve done it again, been asked for advice, given it and told that we are the ones who are wrong.

    It sounds like you need to step back, have a drink or six, and relax. I’ve bustled several dresses, a couple of times not even being in the wedding party just having nimble fingers. 

    Your wedding party and by extension MOH’s only duties are to get the proper attire  and show up on time and in good spirits for the wedding. 

    You really need to chill before you permanently lose all your friends. 
    eileenrobInLoveInQueensahoyweddingsparklepants41
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Okay, it seems like I didn't explain myself clearly enough. Of course, when I wrote my initial post last night, I was deep in the throes of deep depression over everything that is going on. I have talked with her multiple times about everything that is going on, making sure she understood what was going on and that I am not solely thinking as a bride. 

    My best friend is working for a big box retailer part-time. She is also an uncompensated volunteer for a convention and is a director of one of their departments. I already have my wedding dress and am literally waiting for it to come in after being special ordered. 

    I have been desperately trying to coordinate everything so that it would fit everyone's schedule, including hers. My request to my bridesmaids in state where I live is that I can see the bridesmaid/MOH dress on their body or that they get me pictures. Initially, I was going to do mix-matched dresses, but I have since changed my mind. 

    There is also some concern that, in an effort to save money, she may attempt to make her own dress. The concern there is that (1) her creations aren't exactly the highest quality and (2) that the fabric will not match the rest of the dresses. 

    I am using a wedding planner and she strongly encourages me to at least have my maid of honor at my final fitting to ensure that she knows how to do the bustle. I asked my best friend if she would be able to do that, as well as assisting with the other maid of honor duties. She said she didn't know if she could and said that if I had someone else to step up, to ask them to do so. 

    I hope I'm not coming off as a bridezilla here, but my heart is absolutely breaking. I am hopeful that we will be able to overcome this obstacle and remain friends. 
     
    Deep depression?  Broken heart?  Obstacle?  I certainly hope real life doesn't bump you in the bum. 

    I would find it not only unnecessary, but bizarre and offensive if someone requested (demanded) they HAD to literally see me in my dress for it to be approved.

    Fact.  One of my daughter's friends chose to purchase a dress NOT of the same fabric or collection as her other BM's.  It was less than nice and in fact this friend misled my daughter.  My daughter chose her friend over the stupid dress.  My daughter never mentioned it to her friend.  Unless you knew to look for it, the difference was NEVER noticed by anyone.  If it was, clearly anyone that noticed realized it was not worthy of mention.

    Swallow your pride and apologize.
    eileenrobMairePoppyInLoveInQueenssparklepants41
  • Well, ladies. I will say this now. Thanks for making me feel like a horrible person. I guess this is the last time I will turn to this community for help. 
    Oh, please. Nobody said you were a terrible person. They only said you haven't handled this situation well and gave advice on how to fix it going forward. Grow up. 
    image
    MesmrEweInLoveInQueens
  • Your Wedding planner is the problem here...  Now days there is this amazing device that 99% of all people under 50 carry, called a "Smart Phone" - TAKE A VIDEO OF THE BUSTLE with your seamstress walking through the order!!!  You shouldn't need anyone else there (chances are your Mom if able will be there with you, and bustles really aren't that difficult even for you to walk someone else through doing even if they aren't there).. 

    OP - you're thinking using emotion of a bought in to the hype bride, STOP IT, the people you care about we're positive you want them to still care about you after your wedding!  Also, so your BM wants to consider DIY a dress, reality there is it's more expensive than purchasing one on a budget, so point that out  and just suggest doing her own alterations.  Davids is going to have their super discount spring sale in the weeks ahead, that's a great time to get a dress on a budget (sometimes they're as low as $40).  If you don't want your BM to DIY her dress, then purchase it for her and the problem is solved.  You have to choose your hills to die on and everyone here is pointing out that you're missing the forest.  Yes, it's time for a cupcake and chill!
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    MairePoppyInLoveInQueensahoywedding
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Wow. The drama here is strong. You are not a victim here, OP, so stop acting like a martyr. The reality is that you kicked your best friend out of your wedding over....not being able to make a fitting? Really? I would be so hurt. You can either go back to your friend, apologize, and then tell her to get a dress in x color, length and fabric, or you can continue to destroy a friendship of twenty years over what amounts to a party. 

    Oh, and if this is throwing you into a “deep depression,” please seek therapy. If you are being flippant, stop, because depression is a real serious mental issue. 


    image
    InLoveInQueensdowntondivaahoyweddingsparklepants41
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited March 26
    As  someone who has delt with life long, sever clinical depression, I am offended that the OP should use the term so flippantly.  Now that I am dying, the medications and treatments given by my psychiatrist are the most important priority to me.  I can be happy while I am dying.
    There is no such thing as a "broken heart", unless you are on the transplant list.
    You cannot control the actions of other people.  You can only control your own actions, and you have acted very badly towards someone whom you claim is a friend.  (Probably not any longer!)  You need to get your own actions under control while you still have any friends left.
    OP, GROW UP!  Your wedding is not the center of the universe!
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    MesmrEwe
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    WhyTF can't your wedding planner bustle your dress? She's actually being paid to do wedding errands. Snapping a couple of buttons seems right up her alley, and I'm sure she knows a thing or two about bustles. My DOC jumped in an did a quick fix when my bustle broke in about 30 seconds. 

    To be honest, you've done something really cruel to your so called best friend. You can be dramatic that no one wants to pat you on the head here, or you can have some introspection and save your relationship. Your wedding is no excuse to treat your friends badly. But as is, I wouldn't be surprised if she bailed on you. I wouldn't be at your wedding if you did to me what you've done to her. 
    Duh!  From where do you think the "honor" in maid of honor is derived?  This is one of the duties, and it is not very honorable for a MOH to shirk her duties.
    ahoywedding
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Seconded what everyone else has said. 

    Your wedding planner is wrong, period. I've been a bridesmaid once and a MoH twice, and I've been a bride. In none of those instances did I or my bridesmaids know how to do the bustle in advance. 

    For my wedding dress, after we exited the church, I said "there are two little loops on the skirt and hooks under the waist and to hook them in." Once when I was MoH, the bride just said, "there are several ribbons sewn under the dress in two places. Tie the matching ribbons together." The second time I was MOH, I think I asked while we were waiting to go down the aisle and I just kind of looked at it and then did it after. The third wedding, the bride didn't have a train. 

    Bustled are not rocket science and need literally less than 15 seconds of explaining. 

  • Echoing everyone else. My mom came to my last dress fitting because she WANTED to and because she was nervous about the bustle. My dress was lace, the bustle buttons were pretty small and my mom needs reading glasses so she wanted to see the seamstress do it first. I was a BM in a wedding and went with the bride to a dress fitting because we were going to dinner that night anyway. One other wedding I was in, I didn't even see the bride's dress until the day of the wedding. If your wedding planner is so concerned about a 20 second activity, she could deal with the bustle.

    There really are no MOH "duties" besides showing up on time in the agreed upon attire. Demoting someone for not being able to make a dress fitting is pretty cruel. This is making mountains out of molehills, and putting one day ahead of a lifetime friendship. Take a breath, have a couple drinks, and really think about this woman as a friend first. You're kind of not seeing the forest for the trees right now. If her dress is slightly different, is it the end of the world? If someone besides your MOH comes to dress fittings or bustles your dress, will your wedding be ruined? At the end of the day, these things don't matter. It's easy to get yourself sucked into the wedding complex/Pinterest image of what things should be, but that's not all real life. 

    If you are truly suffering from depression, please take care of yourself. Call your doctor or therapist, practice self-care, and maybe ask about adjusting your medications if that's necessary. The stress of planning a large event can stress our mental health, so it's extra important to focus on that.

    No one here has been rude at all. We're trying to help you not lose a friend.
    short+sassyeileenrobMesmrEweInLoveInQueens
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