Mother of the Bride Left Out of Dances

Knottieae4d86d7ec7a2e2f

After already creating and agreeing on the wedding timeline with the coordinator, my mother out of the blue texts me saying that she feels left out because she does not get a spotlight dance. Essentially, she wants her own separate dance with my dad after the father/daughter and mother/son dances. (For background, I am the bride and both my parents are married. My fiance's parents are not married but have been together for many years.)  Not only do I think this is a bit ridiculous considering she is not the bride and has known since I was born that my dad would be the one to walk me down the aisle and share a spotlight dance with me, but there is no time for it in the reception. We are even combining the father/daughter and mother/song dances to be at the same time and shortening the first dance to half a song to save time. 

Any advice or thoughts to make her feel more included without a spotlight dance for her and my dad?  Thanks!

charlotte989875

Knottieae4d86d7ec7a2e2f said:

After already creating and agreeing on the wedding timeline with the coordinator, my mother out of the blue texts me saying that she feels left out because she does not get a spotlight dance. Essentially, she wants her own separate dance with my dad after the father/daughter and mother/son dances. (For background, I am the bride and both my parents are married. My fiance's parents are not married but have been together for many years.)  Not only do I think this is a bit ridiculous considering she is not the bride and has known since I was born that my dad would be the one to walk me down the aisle and share a spotlight dance with me, but there is no time for it in the reception. We are even combining the father/daughter and mother/song dances to be at the same time and shortening the first dance to half a song to save time. 

Any advice or thoughts to make her feel more included without a spotlight dance for her and my dad?  Thanks!

What if you have both your mother and your father walk you down the aisle? I wish that I had done this because I'm closer to my mom than my dad, but he got to walk me down the aisle and the dance. That way she's more included? 

banana468

I'd either ask her to walk you down the aisle with your dad OR you can have a song dedicated to your parents.   Maybe even have it as a dance where ALL couples are invited.

But something to showcase just mom and dad at the reception?   Yeah no.

MRDCle

Could you play their wedding song or a song important to them as a slow song with everyone open to dance? Definitely a no-go on a mom and dad specific showcase song. 

short+sassy

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.  It's such an odd request and I've never seen a "parents" spotlight dance at a wedding.

You have good instincts.  Guests don't want to see a litany of spotlight dances.

I have sometimes seen, towards the end of the mother/son and father/daughter spotlight dance(s), where the other parent would cut in.  As in, you would dance with your FI's father and your FI would dance with your mother.  But it's certainly not a must, if you and your FI don't like that idea.

One great option would be to let your parents choose a song special to them and then, sometime during the dancing portion of the evening, have the DJ play that song dedicated to them. They get to have a special dance, without it being a "spotlight" dance.  I think it would be really "attention-grabby" for her to be unhappy with that idea.

Casadena

I think my mom felt kind of left out too, so dad and I gave her some song suggestions but ultimately let her pick the song we danced to.  Idk if that would work for you since you're combining, but may be an option.

Otherwise I agree with PP's to dedicate a song to your parents early in the dance portion of the evening.

Jen4948

I like the ideas of asking your mom to accompany you and your dad down the aisle and playing a special (but not spotlight) song for them.

If your mom insists on a spotlight dance with your dad, I would tell her that unfortunately, it won't be possible for you to accommodate this request. Just don't get drawn into an argument.

MobKaz

MOB here.  I think the request is a little strange. 

Typically, the MOB is escorted up the aisle and "signals" that the wedding is about to begin.  That was MORE than enough spotlight for me.  I truly felt as if every.damn.single.eye was on me!  Did your mom go with you to shop for your dress?  I did with my daughter and found that event to be special and significant and exclusive of her dad.

I do like the suggestion of perhaps walking up the aisle with both parents.  However, that could hurt the feelings of your dad, who could have been looking forward to that moment as well. 

Simply explain that her request was unexpected and that you are already  squeezed for time with the dances for the bride and groom.  Then quickly ask her what songs she would love to have on the play list and change the subject.

Knottieae4d86d7ec7a2e2f

Thank you all for the suggestions! The special song dedication seems like a great idea, and I can think about having both walk down the aisle if that still doesn't make her feel included enough. It's also good to know I'm not crazy for thinking this is a strange request lol 

CMGragain

Knottieae4d86d7ec7a2e2f said:

After already creating and agreeing on the wedding timeline with the coordinator, my mother out of the blue texts me saying that she feels left out because she does not get a spotlight dance. Essentially, she wants her own separate dance with my dad after the father/daughter and mother/son dances. (For background, I am the bride and both my parents are married. My fiance's parents are not married but have been together for many years.)  Not only do I think this is a bit ridiculous considering she is not the bride and has known since I was born that my dad would be the one to walk me down the aisle and share a spotlight dance with me, but there is no time for it in the reception. We are even combining the father/daughter and mother/song dances to be at the same time and shortening the first dance to half a song to save time. 

Any advice or thoughts to make her feel more included without a spotlight dance for her and my dad?  Thanks!

Gee, FMIL.  I'm sorry, but we aren't having any spotlight dances except for Bride/ Groom and combined Father/Daughter and Mother/Son dances.  Is there any special song you would like me to include in our playlist so you can enjoy it while dancing with the guests?"

Your FMIL has some serious attention seeking issues.  They won't change.  You will be dealing with this sort of self-seeking attention behavior for the rest of your marriage.  I SOooo understand this!  Sometimes it will be easier to let her have her way.  Other times , like this one, your have to be firm.  Your guests will have witnessed enough spotlight dances.  They shouldn't be subjected to another one. 

Your FMIL is not feeling left out.  She wants special attention.  She is trying to manipulate you.  If it wasn't for this issues, she would find another one.  You cannot "make her feel more included", and that is not her goal, anyway.

I LOVE you idea of combining the B/FOB and S/MOG dances.  Brilliant!

MairePoppy

There's no better way to kill a party than have the dance floor cleared for multiple spotlight dances. I have never been to a wedding where the POB and POG had spotlight dances. Ask your mom if she has ever seen that at a wedding.

You could ask your mom to walk you down the aisle along with your Dad.

If you're having a candle ceremony, the moms usually participate in that. 

If you're Catholic, the mothers can carry the bread and wine to the altar.

You could ask your mom to do a reading or a blessing at the ceremony or say grace before dinner at the reception. 

If you're having a shower, you could remind mom that she will participate in that. Likewise, Did your mom help you shop for your dress? Will she get ready with you?

ShesSoCold

CMGragain said:

Knottieae4d86d7ec7a2e2f said:

After already creating and agreeing on the wedding timeline with the coordinator, my mother out of the blue texts me saying that she feels left out because she does not get a spotlight dance. Essentially, she wants her own separate dance with my dad after the father/daughter and mother/son dances. (For background, I am the bride and both my parents are married. My fiance's parents are not married but have been together for many years.)  Not only do I think this is a bit ridiculous considering she is not the bride and has known since I was born that my dad would be the one to walk me down the aisle and share a spotlight dance with me, but there is no time for it in the reception. We are even combining the father/daughter and mother/song dances to be at the same time and shortening the first dance to half a song to save time. 

Any advice or thoughts to make her feel more included without a spotlight dance for her and my dad?  Thanks!

Gee, FMIL.  I'm sorry, but we aren't having any spotlight dances except for Bride/ Groom and combined Father/Daughter and Mother/Son dances.  Is there any special song you would like me to include in our playlist so you can enjoy it while dancing with the guests?"

Your FMIL has some serious attention seeking issues.  They won't change.  You will be dealing with this sort of self-seeking attention behavior for the rest of your marriage.  I SOooo understand this!  Sometimes it will be easier to let her have her way.  Other times , like this one, your have to be firm.  Your guests will have witnessed enough spotlight dances.  They shouldn't be subjected to another one. 

Your FMIL is not feeling left out.  She wants special attention.  She is trying to manipulate you.  If it wasn't for this issues, she would find another one.  You cannot "make her feel more included", and that is not her goal, anyway.

I LOVE you idea of combining the B/FOB and S/MOG dances.  Brilliant!

Knottieae4d86d7ec7a2e2f said:

After already creating and agreeing on the wedding timeline with the coordinator, my mother out of the blue texts me saying that she feels left out because she does not get a spotlight dance. Essentially, she wants her own separate dance with my dad after the father/daughter and mother/son dances. (For background, I am the bride and both my parents are married. My fiance's parents are not married but have been together for many years.)  Not only do I think this is a bit ridiculous considering she is not the bride and has known since I was born that my dad would be the one to walk me down the aisle and share a spotlight dance with me, but there is no time for it in the reception. We are even combining the father/daughter and mother/song dances to be at the same time and shortening the first dance to half a song to save time. 

Any advice or thoughts to make her feel more included without a spotlight dance for her and my dad?  Thanks!

Simmer down, CMGr. OP is talking about her own mother, not her FMIL.

[Deleted User]

Knottieae4d86d7ec7a2e2f said:

Thank you all for the suggestions! The special song dedication seems like a great idea, and I can think about having both walk down the aisle if that still doesn't make her feel included enough. It's also good to know I'm not crazy for thinking this is a strange request lol 

For the special song, you could always play their wedding song.  

My question is does she want all eyes on her (like, "this day is all about ME!") or is it more that she doesn't feel as involved in the wedding planning process with you as she would want (like, "oh I didn't know you had picked a florist")?  I think some moms just want to be, not so much involved, but enjoy this time with their daughters while others just want to take over and make the day about themselves.  So if it is the first, I wouldn't be bending over backward to make her happy.  If it is the latter, than I would discuss the wedding with her more and maybe take a moment to take a special picture(s) with her at the wedding.