Dear Prudence,
I’m a woman in my late 20s and I’ve noticed a pattern in myself that I don’t really like. I try to be loving and supportive of the people close to me. I am in many ways my friends’ agony aunt. People often come to me with their problems, and I’m OK with this to a point, but there always seems to come a time when I get frustrated and exhausted by my friend’s problem of the moment and just want to talk about something, anything else. These aren’t petty complaints but serious problems in my friends’ lives, and I feel bad, but I just don’t want to hear about it anymore!
A very close friend of mine became mysteriously ill last year; she was in a great deal of pain and her doctors didn’t take her seriously. It took months for her to receive a diagnosis, and I listened to her talk every day (and most nights) about the pain she was in. By the time she was finally able to start treatment, I wanted to jump out a window rather than have another conversation about the specifics of her pain while I nod and say, “I’m sorry” and “That sucks” alternately. This happens more than I’d like in my friendships. It’s like my emotional wells run dry and I start feeling bitter annoyance with my friends and their problems and never want to hear about their bad job/deadbeat ex/bad health ever again. Can I improve myself so that I don’t feel this way? I did once tell a friend that I couldn’t hear about her mental health problems because it was making my own symptoms worse, but that feels inappropriate for anything less than getting triggered like that. Something like “Hey, can we change the topic?” would not fly without my needing to explain. I don’t want my loved ones to think I’m not here for them, but maybe I’m nothere for them because I’m thinking this way. I have been told before that I attract needy people but I don’t think that’s true.
—Out of Empathy