Should I invite someone I CAN'T STAND out of obligation?

knottiec1b6db28861a9e72

I took a job caring for a woman with dementia last year and I love her, her husband, and her daughter with all of my heart. I would do anything for them. Her son on the other hand makes my flesh crawl. He is in his later 30's, lives at home, doesn't work, and walks around with a false sense of entitlement. One of the benefits of my job is that I can bring my 7 year old autistic child with me to work after he gets out of school. Well, recently I confronted this guy because I felt he made a rude comment to my son. It escalated from there and he threw a hissy fit because his dad took my side. After about a month, we are cordial again but I absolutely loathe this person. My fiance says I don't have to invite him to our wedding at all, but part of me feels like a jerk inviting his dad, mother, and sister and leaving him out. The only person I am concerned about offending is my client's husband. He is a very nice man and I love working for him. I'm worried he'll be hurt that I invited one of his kids and not the other. Help please!

banana468

Have you talked to your client about anyone in the family getting an invitation and have any received save the dates?

If you haven't made reference to then being on the guest list leave all of them off and don't mix business with pleasure.  

downtondiva

I say this is one of those cases where you have to invite all of them or invite none of them. As rude and obnoxious as you may find this guy now, imagine how he'll be if you invite his parents and sister to the wedding but not him. You may not care about offending him, but he could cause more problems for you over this. As for your client's husband, I'm sure he's aware of how difficult his son can be, but it's a lot to ask a parent not to be at least a bit unhappy if their child is excluded from something. 

If it's really that important to you for this family to be there, I think you'll just have to accept inviting him and try to minimize your interaction with him if he attends. If the thought of his being there bothers you as much as it seems to, then you may have to forego inviting these people. Personally, I think they're more likely to understand if you don't invite any of them than if you invite three of them and leave the son out.

levioosa

knottiec1b6db28861a9e72 said:

I took a job caring for a woman with dementia last year and I love her, her husband, and her daughter with all of my heart. I would do anything for them. Her son on the other hand makes my flesh crawl. He is in his later 30's, lives at home, doesn't work, and walks around with a false sense of entitlement. One of the benefits of my job is that I can bring my 7 year old autistic child with me to work after he gets out of school. Well, recently I confronted this guy because I felt he made a rude comment to my son. It escalated from there and he threw a hissy fit because his dad took my side. After about a month, we are cordial again but I absolutely loathe this person. My fiance says I don't have to invite him to our wedding at all, but part of me feels like a jerk inviting his dad, mother, and sister and leaving him out. The only person I am concerned about offending is my client's husband. He is a very nice man and I love working for him. I'm worried he'll be hurt that I invited one of his kids and not the other. Help please!

JIC

knottiec1b6db28861a9e72

@banana468: We haven't sent save-the-dates yet but my client's daughter marked her calendar already. @downtondiva: Ugh, I think you are right. I will just invite him and get over it. Ick! Thank you guys! 

MobKaz

downtondiva said:

I say this is one of those cases where you have to invite all of them or invite none of them. As rude and obnoxious as you may find this guy now, imagine how he'll be if you invite his parents and sister to the wedding but not him. You may not care about offending him, but he could cause more problems for you over this. As for your client's husband, I'm sure he's aware of how difficult his son can be, but it's a lot to ask a parent not to be at least a bit unhappy if their child is excluded from something. 

If it's really that important to you for this family to be there, I think you'll just have to accept inviting him and try to minimize your interaction with him if he attends. If the thought of his being there bothers you as much as it seems to, then you may have to forego inviting these people. Personally, I think they're more likely to understand if you don't invite any of them than if you invite three of them and leave the son out.

This is NOT a child. 

Other than that, I agree with @downtondiva.  I would pass entirely on extending an invitation to this family.

Positions such as yours can get slippery fast.  In home providers, whether adult or childcare, have to be cautious when it comes to forming personal relationships with their clients because in the end, they are clients.

downtondiva

@MobKaz, by "child" I meant son or daughter, not an actual child. Just because someone is an adult doesn't mean their parents won't feel offended by something like this. 

southernbelle0915

knottiec1b6db28861a9e72 said:

@banana468: We haven't sent save-the-dates yet but my client's daughter marked her calendar already. @downtondiva: Ugh, I think you are right. I will just invite him and get over it. Ick! Thank you guys! 

Did she mark her calendar because you've extended a verbal invitation (e.g. "can't wait to celebrate with you" or "of course you're invited" or talking to her about the wedding as if she will be invited)? Or did she just mark her calendar because she asked the date or your wedding and you told her?

If you extended any kind of verbal invitation, you need to invite whoever was included in that.

If you have NOT extended a verbal invitation, I wouldn't. These people are your clients/customers.

knottiec1b6db28861a9e72

@southernbelle0915
It was definitely a verbal invite, so I am inviting her. There is a whole, long, emotional story behind how and why I was hired to care for this woman, so my relationship with the family is personal and not just professional. We knew each other well before the idea of me caring for her was even a thought. I am going to suck it up and invite the son. *sigh*

short+sassy

knottiec1b6db28861a9e72 said:

@southernbelle0915
It was definitely a verbal invite, so I am inviting her. There is a whole, long, emotional story behind how and why I was hired to care for this woman, so my relationship with the family is personal and not just professional. We knew each other well before the idea of me caring for her was even a thought. I am going to suck it up and invite the son. *sigh*

I agree with the other PPs that this is an "all or nothing" invite situation.  I would have even said you could have invited the woman and her H, but not their adult children.  However, since you already invited the daughter anyway, it does need to be the "all" choice.

On the bright side, you'll barely know he is there.  Trust me!  You and your FI will be busy greeting and chatting with everyone.  You probably won't be spending much time with any particular guest, much less one that you all don't like.  As the hosts, you all are obligated to spend 1-2 minutes greeting him, thanking him for coming, etc.  But, other than that, just avoid him.

knottiec1b6db28861a9e72

@short+sassy Thank you!

MobKaz

downtondiva said:

@MobKaz, by "child" I meant son or daughter, not an actual child. Just because someone is an adult doesn't mean their parents won't feel offended by something like this. 

I understand and I appreciate your sentiment.  However, as a grown man in his late 30's, regardless of living situation, they must be living separate life styles.  I cannot imagine that everywhere the son goes, he includes his parents, or vice versa.  If the son lived else where, I don't think this question would be necessary.  I simply feel that the son's residence should not really be a factor in this scenario. 

Jen4948

If the son is an adult then he need not be invited with the rest of his family. He would only be a social unit with his own SO if he has one.

SoonToBeSmith0512

It sounds like you’ve got things figured out in this case, but for future reference I think  another appropriate option would be to invite the husband and wife only. Now, because you extended a verbal invitation to the daughter, I do think you’re doing the right thing by inviting all. While excluding the son would not be poor etiquette per say, I do think it could cause tension with your client if one child was invited but not the other. 

knottiec1b6db28861a9e72

@SoonToBeSmith0512, Thank you! Yes, I don't want to create an even weirder situation for myself. Who knows, maybe this wedding will make things better between us.

MesmrEwe

This is a double-bind.  If you were only inviting the husband/wife that'd be one thing but where you're including the extended, he should be because as others have mentioned the dynamic of the situation.  Ultimately, still your call, but this is one of those - hope for a case of the sniffles and he stays home.

banana468

While he's his own social unit I'd invite him to keep the peace.