How long to wait for an invite?

bizzy592

Hi all,

we received a save the date from an inlaws sibling a few months ago. More details than would be typical for a save the date, but *very much* a save the date. The OOT wedding is in 4 weeks, and we haven't received an invitation. We were planning to attend, but holding off booking flights and a hotel until we knew the details (weddings in their culture are typically multi-day affairs, so we'd want to make sure to be there for the entirety). 

My SIL and BIL are both in the wedding party, but I haven't got a clear answer on whether they've received a formal invite. I'm trying to get a better read on the situation - assuming they're late getting invites out, but weighing the possibility that it may have been a courtesy invite, or a gift-grab.

At what point would you all make the call of whether to go or not? At what point would you make assumptions about the nature of the invite? Have any of you ever received a STD without an invite to follow?

Thanks!

ei34

I’d ask now.  The wedding is in four weeks...at this point the couple is going to be contacting you for your rsvp in 2-3 weeks anyway.  The fact that it’s OOT and requires booking travel would give me a green light if I was in your shoes.

thisismynickname2

bizzy592 said:

Hi all,

we received a save the date from an inlaws sibling a few months ago. More details than would be typical for a save the date, but *very much* a save the date. The OOT wedding is in 4 weeks, and we haven't received an invitation. We were planning to attend, but holding off booking flights and a hotel until we knew the details (weddings in their culture are typically multi-day affairs, so we'd want to make sure to be there for the entirety). 

My SIL and BIL are both in the wedding party, but I haven't got a clear answer on whether they've received a formal invite. I'm trying to get a better read on the situation - assuming they're late getting invites out, but weighing the possibility that it may have been a courtesy invite, or a gift-grab.

At what point would you all make the call of whether to go or not? At what point would you make assumptions about the nature of the invite? Have any of you ever received a STD without an invite to follow?

Thanks!

Even if that were the case, you're owed a proper invite. 

Because of your travel needs and your wish to attend, why not shoot them an e-mail and just ask? Or make that awkward phone call?  "Hey, we received your STTD and we'd love to attend, but we haven't yet seen the formal invite. In the interest of booking flights and whatnot, could you please share the details?"

short+sassy

I agree with @eileenrob.  I'd contact them with the slant to the conversation being an assumption that an invite had been mailed, but I hadn't received it yet.  Which is very possible!  It happens.

If the STD turns out to be the invitation, then you can feign "confusion/misunderstanding" and gather more details.

If it's a real side-eye situation where they sent an STD and then changed their mind and didn't send an invite, then at least try to get some enjoyment from their stammering and trying to explain their way out of the awkward situation they created for themselves!

ahoywedding

So...my BIL and his wife did a similar thing for their at home reception after their DW. They sent STDs to us and the cousins, but never sent invites. We knew enough of the details to book our hotel and figured we'd get the rest of the info from ILs who were also going and staying at the hotel so I wasn't worried. I DID think it was super rude though.

About two weeks before the party, BIL sent a Facebook message to all the cousins, H & I with the details for the party. It said something like "we know you guys probably got the details from your parents, but it's at xyz place at whatever time. Hope you can make it!" I had to roll my tongue back in my mouth because I couldn't believe they didn't actually send invites, but still expected people to show up after that.

I say that to say...ask about it. I did mention to my MIL in passing that we hadn't gotten an invite but I didn't make a big thing out of it because they knew we were coming and whatever. But if I wasn't part of the immediate family, I'd have been very put off and confused.

Jen4948

Go ahead and ask now. You need to know and they should have sent you an invitation.

At this point I'd assume the best and that you're actually invited until you hear otherwise.

southernbelle0915

Ask now. It's not rude - you got a save the date! I'm embarrassed to say that a couple of our formal invites got lost in the mail. No one said anything until we followed up for RSVPs and ended up planning not to come. I was super bummed and wish they would have said something. This is probably just a situation like that.

"Hey y'all, we are trying to book flights and hotels for the wedding. The STD has xyz info but we are wondering times, venues and all that. We think the invite may have gotten lost in the mail so figured we'd just reach out."

bizzy592

Update on this: we've confirmed that invites will be sent out soon. So, it's arriving ~3 weeks prior to wedding... 

Details still not provided (we usually chat by text, and there was radio silence to follow-up questions), so DH & I are just going to wait and see. I'm very curious about the amount of time we'll have to rsvp, and the format. It takes a few days to mail anything between our cities, so that seems like a tight turnaround for their caterers.

Or they're sending out a batch last minute hoping for lower numbers.

ahoywedding

bizzy592 said:

Update on this: we've confirmed that invites will be sent out soon. So, it's arriving ~3 weeks prior to wedding... 

Details still not provided (we usually chat by text, and there was radio silence to follow-up questions), so DH & I are just going to wait and see. I'm very curious about the amount of time we'll have to rsvp, and the format. It takes a few days to mail anything between our cities, so that seems like a tight turnaround for their caterers.

Or they're sending out a batch last minute hoping for lower numbers.

Honestly, at this point I probably wouldn't go unless you could get a super cheap flight deal, it's going to be pretty expensive to travel pretty much last minute. It does kind of seem like they're hoping people can't come; we had a ton of OOT guests and sent invites a smidge earlier than what's expected to give everyone time to plan their travel. Are you super close with this couple, or would it cause drama for you not to attend? Unless either of those are the case, I'd skip it, send a fairly inexpensive gift and save the money.

short+sassy

ahoywedding said:

bizzy592 said:

Update on this: we've confirmed that invites will be sent out soon. So, it's arriving ~3 weeks prior to wedding... 

Details still not provided (we usually chat by text, and there was radio silence to follow-up questions), so DH & I are just going to wait and see. I'm very curious about the amount of time we'll have to rsvp, and the format. It takes a few days to mail anything between our cities, so that seems like a tight turnaround for their caterers.

Or they're sending out a batch last minute hoping for lower numbers.

Honestly, at this point I probably wouldn't go unless you could get a super cheap flight deal, it's going to be pretty expensive to travel pretty much last minute. It does kind of seem like they're hoping people can't come; we had a ton of OOT guests and sent invites a smidge earlier than what's expected to give everyone time to plan their travel. Are you super close with this couple, or would it cause drama for you not to attend? Unless either of those are the case, I'd skip it, send a fairly inexpensive gift and save the money.

Thanks for the update!  I agree with @ahoywedding.  The invites are being sent very late.  On top of that, it's radio silence when I'm asking legit questions about making my travel plans?!?!

If someone is going to make it difficult for me to attend, then I am not going.

I actually had this happen with a good friend.  She didn't do anything wrong, per se.  But her and her (now) H got engaged and planned a quick, casual wedding at her parent's house about one month later.

Except I live halfway around the country.  By the time I got the invite, I barely had two weeks left to book a flight and it would have been really dicey on my return because that coincided with a major event in my city.  Had I been given enough notice, I definitely would have gone.  However, with barely two weeks to suddenly plan a major trip, I didn't even try.  I called with a happy, heartfelt congratulations and, unfortunately, a decline.