Wedding Woes

4 men in the world...

Dear Prudence, 

I was in a relationship with a man who has many good qualities but one that really hurt our relationship: his attention to other women, in particular an old friend. He is friends with her husband, who travels often. They talk and text day and night.
For a year I thought nothing of this until I discovered her on social media gushing about him like a boyfriend, on a date at his apartment I was unaware of. I felt like the post had crossed a boundary. I demanded to meet her, explaining that it was uncomfortable for me to have another woman emotionally dependent on my fiancé. He refused. He explained she has “issues,” she’s crazy, and the meeting would be uncomfortable. He accused me of being jealous.

A year later, he became more disengaged from our relationship. He was always on his phone and grew anxious whenever I picked up his cell. We barely saw each other. One night, he accidentally sent a text to me that was clearly part of some banter between them. I blew up. I demanded to meet her and said that he could not have a relationship with another woman I don’t know.

He stopped speaking to me and ghosted out of our relationship after two and a half years. I’m heartbroken to lose this man, but the emotional toll of being with someone so checked out was draining. I miss him and wish I hadn’t blown up. We had life plans together! I’m afraid I might have done the wrong thing. Their relationship was platonic. Should I have tried to ignore it, or is the fact that he dumped me all I need to know?

—Pining Over Ex

Re: 4 men in the world...

  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs
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    I think you dodged a bullet, LW, is what I think.   

    ahoyweddinglevioosaernursej
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs
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    Why would you try to meet her?! She's not the problem here, HE is. 
    my thoughts exactly.  What would meeting her accomplish? 

  • Why would you try to meet her?! She's not the problem here, HE is. 
    my thoughts exactly.  What would meeting her accomplish? 
    Easier to blame the other woman than the guy
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    short+sassyernursej
  • Why would you try to meet her?! She's not the problem here, HE is. 
    my thoughts exactly.  What would meeting her accomplish? 
    She wanted to be present and mark her territory.     I'm thinking it was her desire to assert herself as the dominant partner and it DID NOT WORK BECAUSE SHE WAS NOT.
    short+sassy
  • I've been on both ends of this situation - ironically with the same guy {slight differences also}

    In the point where I was in LW's position, I wasn't as dramatic but I was just as upset.
    LW's anger is directed to that other woman, which makes me feel they're just in denial {"my bf couldn't be that person!"} I was the same.


    LW should seek counseling to figure out how to redirect that anger and understand where that anger is coming from.

    {note: I was the other woman in another situation but it actually was platonic - the same guy as before but after the situation before happened. We were BFF's for a long time. I tried to not cross lines, even with texting, but she didn't trust him and blamed me}
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  • Apologizing for being justifiably pissed that your ex was cheating on you is a permission slip for him to continue this behavior (if you do get back together). 

    Also, what on earth does this mean? "...he could not have a relationship with another woman I don’t know." So it would have been peaches and cream if you had just met her? GTFO.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    Did LW and her EX-BF work at an international English speaking school?


    I also feel like its been awhile since we have had a 4 men answer!

    charlotte989875mrsconn23short+sassy
  • short+sassyshort+sassy
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
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    edited April 12

    Look, I am all for men and women being friends with each other.  And it annoys me when an SO is sometimes irrationally jealous of that.  But then, people usually WANT to introduce their SO to their friends.  Especially the kind of "besties" that call/visit/text each other all the time.  So, yyeeaahhh.

    Yikes!  I am really concerned for this LW.  How is she still this focused on her ex after over two years!?!?  A guy who was cheating on her...at the very least emotionally...and was already disengaged from their relationship.

    LW, it is 2 years past the time to "wake up and smell the coffee"! 

    I think she should see a counselor and work on boosting her self worth and confidence.  Or she's just going to be an "it's my fault" doormat in her next relationship.

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    banana468OliveOilsMomMissKittyDanger
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
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    I had something similar like this happen with my ex. Turns out he was cheating on me with her and they’re now engaged. Younger me was so dumb and blinded by love. Sometimes I still get irritated on how much time I wasted with someone who wasn’t worth it. But I never wanted to go back. LW needs to get angry, move on, and find someone else. 


    image
    short+sassycharlotte989875OliveOilsMom
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
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    I also think it's super weird she wanted to meet the woman. Why did that matter? Your boyfriend? fiance? was CHEATING ON YOU. 

  • I also think it's super weird she wanted to meet the woman. Why did that matter? Your boyfriend? fiance? was CHEATING ON YOU. 
    As I mentioned, it's easier to blame someone you don't know.

    Could also be a self-conscious  "what does she look like? is she prettier? what am I missing as a person?"
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  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
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    I also think it's super weird she wanted to meet the woman. Why did that matter? Your boyfriend? fiance? was CHEATING ON YOU. 
    As I mentioned, it's easier to blame someone you don't know.

    Could also be a self-conscious  "what does she look like? is she prettier? what am I missing as a person?"
    Listen, ultimately I get it. I have been cheated on. But LW focusing solely on this woman, demanding to meet her - it's just obviously indicative of some deeper issues. 

    MissKittyDangercharlotte989875southernbelle0915
  • I also think it's super weird she wanted to meet the woman. Why did that matter? Your boyfriend? fiance? was CHEATING ON YOU. 
    As I mentioned, it's easier to blame someone you don't know.

    Could also be a self-conscious  "what does she look like? is she prettier? what am I missing as a person?"
    Listen, ultimately I get it. I have been cheated on. But LW focusing solely on this woman, demanding to meet her - it's just obviously indicative of some deeper issues. 


    I actually took this more to mean like, "Great!  She's a good friend of yours, I'd like to meet her."  But I could also see the potential for it being a "test" for him.  And/or "marking her territory".

    But, as a general rule, it is an interesting observation of human nature that the person cheated on will often blame/be furious at the "other man/woman".  More so than at the ACTUAL person who had made a commitment to them and is SO much more in the wrong.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I also think it's super weird she wanted to meet the woman. Why did that matter? Your boyfriend? fiance? was CHEATING ON YOU. 
    As I mentioned, it's easier to blame someone you don't know.

    Could also be a self-conscious  "what does she look like? is she prettier? what am I missing as a person?"
    Listen, ultimately I get it. I have been cheated on. But LW focusing solely on this woman, demanding to meet her - it's just obviously indicative of some deeper issues. 
    or misdirected anger?
    Quite possibly deeper issues, but right now I'm seeing it as misdirected anger.
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  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
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    "This girl is crazy.  You wouldn't like her.  Oh, but her crazy doesn't bother me of course".

    short+sassysouthernbelle0915eileenrob
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
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    I also think it's super weird she wanted to meet the woman. Why did that matter? Your boyfriend? fiance? was CHEATING ON YOU. 
    As I mentioned, it's easier to blame someone you don't know.

    Could also be a self-conscious  "what does she look like? is she prettier? what am I missing as a person?"
    Listen, ultimately I get it. I have been cheated on. But LW focusing solely on this woman, demanding to meet her - it's just obviously indicative of some deeper issues. 
    or misdirected anger?
    Quite possibly deeper issues, but right now I'm seeing it as misdirected anger.
    Well, it's going to read different ways to different people. She seemed to only want to meet this woman after she found a FB post. But then let it go for a year. Either way, I think this woman needs some counseling. Even after all of this, she's questioning if she did the right thing. This mofo ghosted her after 2.5 years. 

    MissKittyDangershort+sassy
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