Wedding Etiquette Forum

Invited work friends to shower, but they likely won't be able to attend the wedding

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Answers

  • The friend who told me I depend on her too much is the same friend I always ask for rides, but we live so close to each other and I never ask her to drive me like a cab service, only if we are going to the same place. I mean, if we are heading to the same place whats the big deal. So it's just a lot of people being negative towards me all at once. It's like everyone is now picking on me.
  • So you don't think she could have asked me in a more calm way? I never got married before so I don't know what is and isn't appropriate and she could have just been nicer about it. She made it seem like I'm an idiot for thinking it was fine to send the shower invites to my office address and I was trying to make it easier for HER. 
  • edited May 2018
    It costs money to take an Uber and my fiance isn't working, I don't see why it's a problem. Why would she rather I spend $50 on a cab when the is literally going to the same place. They just like to be mean.

    And my friend didn't yell but went sent it in an email to me. I emailed the addresses and she emailed back exactly that, "I'm not mailing to your office, I need their addresses" like as if it's supposed to only be done one way. We aren't doing anything traditional so I think old time etiquette isn't 100% relevant to every single thing. We are modern. She told me to stop being dramatic, she isn't trying to cancwl the shower, but I think she wants to cancel. It's all so messy. They know I have problems with my parents and I'm not getting the support parents commonly give so they can be nicer. 
  • The friend who told me I depend on her too much is the same friend I always ask for rides, but we live so close to each other and I never ask her to drive me like a cab service, only if we are going to the same place. I mean, if we are heading to the same place whats the big deal. So it's just a lot of people being negative towards me all at once. It's like everyone is now picking on me.
    Do you chip in for gas, or offer to pay for her drinks/dinner? I agree she shouldn't commenting on your friendship with the shower-throwing friend because that's not really any of her business. But if she's feeling like she is being taken advantage of (not saying you are, but I'd get annoyed if the same friend always asked me to drive & never/rarely offered to in return) maybe she's thinking that's happening to the other friend and butting in. It's not right, but it happens. 

    So you don't think she could have asked me in a more calm way? I never got married before so I don't know what is and isn't appropriate and she could have just been nicer about it. She made it seem like I'm an idiot for thinking it was fine to send the shower invites to my office address and I was trying to make it easier for HER. 
    I mean, none of us where there so we didn't hear her tone or delivery. It sounds like she's trying to do the right thing by sending invites to their home addresses. She's hosting the party so let her handle the invites. Get her the addresses and leave it be. 

    For what it's worth, it sounds like you're letting what the driving-friend said influence how you're viewing the shower-throwing friend. You should really deal with these things separately. 
    ahoyweddingshort+sassyInLoveInQueensSTARMOON44
  • It costs money to take an Uber and my fiance isn't working, I don't see why it's a problem. Why would she rather I spend $50 on a cab when the is literally going to the same place. They just like to be mean.

    And my friend didn't yell but went sent it in an email to me. I emailed the addresses and she emailed back exactly that, "I'm not mailing to your office, I need their addresses" like as if it's supposed to only be done one way. We aren't doing anything traditional so I think old time etiquette isn't 100% relevant to every single thing. We are modern. She told me to stop being dramatic, she isn't trying to cancwl the shower, but I think she wants to cancel. It's all so messy. They know I have problems with my parents and I'm not getting the support parents commonly give so they can be nicer. 
    Well your friend isn't a free Uber either. She still has to pay for gas, for wear and tear on her car. She's not being mean; she's probably annoyed you don't ever offer to drive (or pay for a car). 
    ahoyweddingInLoveInQueensSTARMOON44
  • edited May 2018
    I don't drive so I can't reciprocate. They we're not talking about each other, sorry for being weird. "Cathy" is the friend who lives close, so it's her I ask for rides, and Cathy is the one who said I depend on her too much for rides. Even though it is only when we go to the same place.

    Lisa is throwing the shower, but never said anything about Cathy. I think she asked Cathy to give me a ride to the shower, but Cathy doesn't feel like it, said she can't guarantee nwhen she'd get there and that I should not depend on her every time I need a ride. It was ugly of her to be so mean out of the blue. I can always ask someone else to get to the shower, she could just have said no if someone asked her.
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    I don't drive so I can't reciprocate. They we're not talking about each other, sorry for being weird. "Cathy" is the friend who lives close, so it's her I ask for rides, and Cathy is the one who said I depend on her too much for rides. Even though it is only when we go to the same place.

    Lisa is throwing the shower, but never said anything about Cathy. I think she asked Cathy to give me a ride to the shower, but Cathy doesn't feel like it, said she can't guarantee nwhen she'd get there and that I should not depend on her every time I need a ride. It was ugly of her to be so mean out of the blue. I can always ask someone else to get to the shower, she could just have said no if someone asked her.


    I have literally no idea what you're saying.

    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    charlotte989875ahoyweddingei34InLoveInQueens
  • I don't drive so I can't reciprocate. They we're not talking about each other, sorry for being weird. "Cathy" is the friend who lives close, so it's her I ask for rides, and Cathy is the one who said I depend on her too much for rides. Even though it is only when we go to the same place.

    Lisa is throwing the shower, but never said anything about Cathy. I think she asked Cathy to give me a ride to the shower, but Cathy doesn't feel like it, said she can't guarantee nwhen she'd get there and that I should not depend on her every time I need a ride. It was ugly of her to be so mean out of the blue. I can always ask someone else to get to the shower, she could just have said no if someone asked her.
    So I don't think Cathy was being that mean. And I'm really not trying to be mean here either. But it sounds like you depend on her for rides a lot. And you don't, or can't reciprocate. That would really bother me if a friend did that to me. I'm a pretty generous person, I would do a lot for my friends and family. But I would start feeling pretty used if a friend constantly asked for rides (even if I was going to the same place) and never reciprocated, either by driving or by calling an Uber for us both. 
    ei34short+sassyInLoveInQueensSTARMOON44
  • I'm so confused because I figured since it's my wedding, that it's okay for me to be particular about how things are handled. I don't need them explaining etiquette to me, or aoni thought
  • I'm so confused because I figured since it's my wedding, that it's okay for me to be particular about how things are handled. I don't need them explaining etiquette to me, or aoni thought
    C'mon, really? I mean, etiquette is etiquette regardless of who is getting married. Your friend is trying to help you out and help you not make a big mistake with, or potentially offend, people you work with. But if you want to take that risk no one can stop you. 
    ahoyweddingei34InLoveInQueensSTARMOON44
  • What kind of mistake? I feel like she is overthinking it and it's not a big deal and just wants to be nasty to me over an issue that really isn't an issue because all my coworkers will be included anyway.
  • I'd rather they not even bother then make a big deal out of all of this. Very overwhelmed.
  • I'm paying a friend to help set up, they aren't working for free. We never planned a wedding or a party so we have let people know and some volunteered to help, and I trust my friends before strangers anyway. Thanks, but we got this.
  • I'm paying a friend to help set up, they aren't working for free. We never planned a wedding or a party so we have let people know and some volunteered to help, and I trust my friends before strangers anyway. Thanks, but we got this.
    1) I am coming into this late but you really need to step back and handle this professionally.   This isn't a trust friends vs. strangers thing.  This is an event that you're putting together on a large scale.    You need to see it as "asking friends to work for you" vs. "sourcing professionals who do this for a living". 

    You need to do some research and then based on recommendations hire people at rates you can afford.  

    2) There's a reason that people talk about not mixing business w/ pleasure.   You can trust friends but they're FRIENDS.   If they don't do what you're asking for a living then this is a favor to you.   If they do it wrong it's a rift in a friendship.  I caution anyone doing this for any aspect of their lives.   It's generally a recipe for disaster. 

    ____

    It's probably a good idea to get an etiquette book like Miss Manners Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding.   That's going to help you understand the nuances of why you should do things the way your friends propose.

    Also, if you have someone who drives you because you don't, if you haven't started to reimburse her for her time and money I would start.   
    ahoyweddingSTARMOON44charlotte989875
  • Does this feel JAshley-ish? 
    MairePoppySTARMOON44OliveOilsMom
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Does this feel JAshley-ish? 

    Reminds me more of thestaircase, only without (thankfully) 1,000 paragraphs per post.
    Ugh, it sounds like a cross between the two. The staircase got so annoying. I think all that stuff about childhood abuse was just there to disguise a big fat humble brag. My H is soooo wealthy. He has tons of money and savings. He buys me jewelry and gives me money. He says I don't have to work, and he doesn't want me to. He's an amaaaazing lover. We have amazing insurance. He is so wonderful. I got pregnant so easily, and I can't believe it. He coos to the baby in my belly. He says he'll change all the diapers. Woe is me! 

    STARMOON44
  • i did invite some of my friends that was able to come for my shower but not for the official wedding day and that's okay tho. but if you do invite them, just make sure that you had provided some additional space for them in case they came
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