Wedding Party

[Deleted Post]

New member, not sure how to delete post--taking offline to chat with her :) . Thanks for the insights and for keeping me humble!

Re: [Deleted Post]

  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member

    Hello everyone, 

    This is my first post, and it is a topic that I have been thinking over for about six months now. One of my bridesmaids has been pretty vocal about her concerns about my wedding. I guess I would like some reassurance that I have been a considerate bride and friend. 

    Background: I was my friend's MOH in her wedding when I was in college. Since she was under 21 I got us gourmet pizzas, a raunchy cake, and we had mixed drinks at her parents' home. I then bought us all tickets to see a movie in theaters. It was really fun and everyone had a great time. Her wedding was low key, although I estimate I spent about $350-$400 on everything involved. Since I was only 21 this was really hard to afford, but my parents helped me with it which I was very grateful for.

    We have been friends since high school, and since I was her MOH I of course wanted her by my side. (My MOH is another childhood friend of mine, and this BM and I talked about this beforehand so no hard feelings). I asked her to be my BM in late September for my August wedding. I encouraged each BM individually to come to me privately if anything concerned them about financial commitments. 

    In December I shared a link with my bridal group of the four gowns I had chosen. All four of them said they liked one dress for $165, and all agreed that was a fine price. Later in April, they all tried on the gown and it didn't photograph well, so we found another online for $200. Everyone agreed on the price. I asked them to purchase the gown within one month. For their shoes I just asked that they wear gold or brown sandals that they already own/are comfortable. I am considering buying hair and makeup services for my BMs so this isn't a burden as well. 

    While this was going on, we began talking about going out of town for my bachelorette party. This BM became incredibly negative immediately, saying that it was not "normal" for me to have a bachelorette out of town, and the fact that I wanted to include other friends made it not as special essentially. She told me that she isn't able to make it due to finances, which I was totally fine with and respect the decision on. I told everyone it's not a "required" event by any means.

    This particular bridesmaid was really defensive about ordering the gown by the end of this month. One of the bridesmaids ordered it the other day, so I suggested that everyone kindly order theirs within the return window, so she wouldn't get rejected for a return if the dress did not fit. She snapped at me for suggesting they could always order two gowns, and return one that didn't fit, if they were unsure as to their sizing. I have told my entire party that I do not want them to financially feel like they need to buy presents for me for the wedding and the shower, and that it is okay if they do not go to my Bachelorette. 

    I have tried asking her if this is a financial burden, but she tells these drawn out stories about trying to save for the dress/my wedding, and attempts to guilt trip me about the cost being $50 more than the first dress they chose (that didn't fit). It's hard for me to understand how, after asking her over 8 months ago, she did not make saving for the gown (I gave them a rough estimate of $150-200 back then) a priority if she is so concerned with budgeting. She has also been on two vacations during this period of time so this feels like a slap in the face. I know we all have our financial worries, and I'm trying to be considerate, but is asking for a dress that much? I politely explained that the dress is a "known" cost, just as my dress was for her wedding, but she keeps guilt tripping me about the cost of it, the cost of the Bachelorette, and the cost of my shower. I have tried to be direct and kindly state that the dress and my shower are the two things I agree are the responsibility of the bridal party, but she seems overwhelmed with unknown stressors/financial considerations that she will not discuss or mention to me.

    Has anyone else experienced this from a BM? How have you approached this? Do you think that she is projecting about her wedding experience with me as MOH? I honestly did the best I could when I was so young to help make her day special and feel like she is being negative/guilt tripping me. I didn't think this would happen!



    image
  • Sorry Levioosa, new to boards--is it bad etiquette to edit?
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member

    Hello everyone,

    This is my first post, and it is a topic that I have been thinking over for about six months now. One of my bridesmaids has been pretty vocal about her concerns about my wedding. I guess I would like some reassurance that I have been a considerate bride and friend.

    Background: I was my friend's MOH in her wedding when I was in college. Since she was under 21 I got us gourmet pizzas, a raunchy cake, and fun drinks at home. I then bought us all tickets to see a movie in theaters. It was really fun and everyone had a great time. Her wedding was low key, although I estimate I spent about $350-$400 on everything involved. Since I was only 21 this was really hard to afford, but my parents helped me with it which I was very grateful for.

    I asked her to be my BM in late September for my August wedding. I encouraged each BM individually to come to me privately if anything concerned them about financial commitments.

    In December I shared a link with my bridal group of the four gowns I had chosen. All four of them said they liked one dress and all agreed that was a fine price. Later in April, they all tried on the gown and it didn't photograph well, so we found another online for a little more. Everyone agreed on the price. I asked them to purchase the gown within one month. For their shoes I just asked that they wear gold or brown sandals that they already own/are comfortable. I am considering buying hair and makeup services for my BMs so this isn't a burden as well.

    While this was going on, we began talking about going out of town for my bachelorette party. This BM became incredibly negative immediately, saying that it was not "normal" for me to have a bachelorette out of town, and the fact that I wanted to include other friends made it not as special essentially. She told me that she isn't able to make it due to finances, which I was totally fine with and respect the decision on. I told everyone it's not a "required" event by any means. I have told my entire party that I do not want them to financially feel like they need to buy presents for me for the wedding and the shower, and that it is okay if they do not go to my Bachelorette.

    I have tried asking her if this is a financial burden, but she tells these drawn out stories about trying to save for the dress/my wedding, and attempts to guilt trip me about the cost being $50 more than the first dress they chose (that didn't fit). It's hard for me to understand how, after asking her over 8 months ago, she did not make saving for the gown (I gave them a rough estimate of $150-200 back then) a priority if she is so concerned with budgeting. She has also been on two vacations during this period of time so this feels like a slap in the face. I know we all have our financial worries, and I'm trying to be considerate, but is asking for a dress that much? I politely explained that the dress is a "known" cost, just as my dress was for her wedding, but she keeps guilt tripping me about the cost of it, the cost of the Bachelorette, and the cost of my shower. I have tried to be direct and kindly state that the dress and my shower are the two things I agree are the responsibility of the bridal party, but she seems overwhelmed with unknown stressors/financial considerations that she will not discuss or mention to me.

    Has anyone else experienced this from a BM? How have you approached this? Do you think that she is projecting about her wedding experience with me as MOH? I honestly did the best I could when I was so young to help make her day special and feel like she is being negative/guilt tripping me. I didn't think this would happen!

    So....you are in the wrong here. You should have asked each girl privately about their budget before picking a dress. The lowest budget should have been the max for the dresses, and it should have included any alterations. It's not awkward to give someone a budget. It is awkward to have to go back to someone and tell them you're uncomfortable with expenses that are adding up. I can see why she is upset. You picked an expensive dress, and then you even upped the price after it was already decided. That was wrong, and you should have paid the difference. I'm also guessing that the $200 doesn't include alterations. There wasn't really a reason for demanding they purchase the dress in that month either. And you are not entitled to hear about her financial problems, or how she deals with her finances in general.

    It's not a "slap in the face" for her to prioritize her life over your wedding. Just because I might have $200 doesn't mean I need to spend it on your wedding. Maybe I want to save it, maybe I want a weekend away with my FI, maybe I feel like donating it, or spending it on a single bottle of wine. Maybe I need it just to pay the rent that month. It doesn't matter how I spend it because it's my money, and you don't get to have feelings or dictate how I spend it, especially in relation to your wedding. You are excited about your wedding. You are living and breathing wedding. That's not the case for everyone else in your life. Life goes on. People have other priorities, other things they want to do, and that doesn't make them terrible. 

    The only thing your BMs are required to do is show up on time, sober, and in the correct attire on the day of the wedding. That's it. It is generous that you are covering hair and makeup for them, but make that optional as well. Sometimes people like to get ready on their own. And they don't have to plan or pay for any pre-wedding activities. The BM isn't required to chip in for your shower just because she is a BM. The host of the shower (which should NOT be you) gives the bride a budget and then you invite and plan accordingly.

    You didn't expressly say, but you shouldn't be planning your own bachelorette party either. Whoever (not you) is planning the bachelorette party should ask each person individually for their budget as well. Your BM is wrong to say that inviting other people will make the event "less special." But otherwise, I think you need to take a step back, have a margarita and let this go. 



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    short+sassyahoyweddingOliveOilsMomPrettyGirlLost
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    @BrideinWonderland yes, it is considered bad forum etiquette to modify or delete a post. Other posters or lurkers might have the same question.


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  • @Levioosa thanks for letting me know!
  • @Levioosa I appreciate your insights as well. And you are right--I am living and breathing weddings at the moment and feel like I have blinders on at times! I guess I need a slice of humble pie today. I think that having that budget discussion would have been a good way to clear any of this up before it even occurred. I had thought that when I had individually talked to them about the pricing of the designer, their positive responses were enough. But you're right, a more clear establishment of a budget would have been helpful.
    short+sassyMairePoppy
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    edited May 1
    Yep, you're in the wrong here. 

    1) You should not have spent on her wedding with the expectation that you'd get that back one day. Either do it out of the goodness of your heart, or don't do it at all. If you did do it from the heart, it's wholly irrelevant and there's no reason to bring it up here.

    2) You should have asked each person privately for a budget before starting to shop. Then the lowest budget is your top price. It sounds like you decided that she should be able to spend 150-200 on a dress. That's not ok.

    3) The idea that she should be saving for your wedding is absurd. It's your wedding. Sure, she loves you, but this shouldn't be an expense that she puts ahead of her own vacations or other discretionary spending. I'd say it's a slap in the face that you think she should be saving for a BM dress instead of going on vacation. I just really cannot wrap my head around you thinking that she needs to save up for a dress. And then you tell her to order two and return one when you already know she can't afford one? WTF? I would have snapped at you too. 

    4) If you want hair and makeup done, you pay for it. It's not a favor or a gift to them. It's part of your wedding expenses.

    5) If you were asking them to order a gown now, it would be too early. Having already ordered one, returned it, and now pushing them to order the second is out of line. You need to stop. For an August wedding, the dress order should be in sometime in June or July. 

    6) You shouldn't have asked for an OOT b-party, and you shouldn't make your friend feel bad for not being able to afford that. They do happen, but many people think they are overly extravagant; her concerns are not outlandish. I, for one, would never want a b-party that would be a burden on my BMs or meant some of my closest friends could not attend. Telling her it's ok if she doesn't go is not really helping anything. You're already making her feel bad about not wanting to spend money on an expensive dress, and now you're making her feel like it's a concession that she doesn't have to spend the money to go to your b-party. It sounds like you don't even care if she's there or not. What kind of message is that to someone who is ostensibly one of your closest friends.

    ETA: Just saw the below from your edited version. Yep, that is also 100% wrong. 

    I politely explained that the dress is a "known" cost, just as my dress was for her wedding, but she keeps guilt tripping me about the cost of it, the cost of the Bachelorette, and the cost of my shower.
    levioosaInLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLost
  • @MyNameIsNot appreciate your insights as well!
  • not sure how to delete this thread, but I will take the convo offline and chat with her :) Thanks ladies for keeping me humble!
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    @seattlebride18, it is considered rude to delete a post. You have been quoted so you really can't delete it. Other brides might have similar questions to yours so posts are kept in the forum. 
    ahoywedding
  • @Ilovebeachmusic oh apologies! Thanks for letting me know. Guess i should have gone on the FAQ before posting!
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    Sorry Levioosa, new to boards--is it bad etiquette to edit?
    @Levioosa thanks for letting me know!
    @Levioosa I appreciate your insights as well. And you are right--I am living and breathing weddings at the moment and feel like I have blinders on at times! I guess I need a slice of humble pie today. I think that having that budget discussion would have been a good way to clear any of this up before it even occurred. I had thought that when I had individually talked to them about the pricing of the designer, their positive responses were enough. But you're right, a more clear establishment of a budget would have been helpful.
    @MyNameIsNot appreciate your insights as well!
    not sure how to delete this thread, but I will take the convo offline and chat with her :) Thanks ladies for keeping me humble!
    @Ilovebeachmusic oh apologies! Thanks for letting me know. Guess i should have gone on the FAQ before posting!



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    eileenrobInLoveInQueens
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    MobKaz said:
    How odd that not only did you delete your post, but changed your username as well. 
    She changed her username twice - brideinwonderland, seattlebride18 and now delightfuldaisies!
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    MobKaz said:
    How odd that not only did you delete your post, but changed your username as well. 
    She changed her username twice - brideinwonderland, seattlebride18 and now delightfuldaisies!
    Perhaps this obvious issue with indecisiveness is what is creating so many issues with her bridal party.
    NBSquared2017MesmrEwe
  • CasadenaCasadena
    250 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    member

    so much bride/bridesmaid drama could be avoided if brides just paid for the dang dresses or let BM's wear whatever outfit they want!!!

    **I know it's a thing in the US for BM's to pay their own way for the outfit, but I still don't understand why and I will never be ok with it.


    InLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLost
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    edited May 9
    Nevermind.
                
    ShesSoColdOliveOilsMom
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