How do I deal with Future Mother in Law (FMIL)

MobKaz

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MobKaz

Too pooped to care any more...

MobKaz

knottieda10bcd9733d97aa said:

Help!  I need some suggestions on how to deal with this situation.

For some background, FH and I have been together for about 9 years now.  It's been wonderful!  His mom is actually one of the nicest, kindest, and wonderful people in my life, which is why this situation has caused such anxiety for me.  The whole time FH and I dated she was nothing but kind and generous.  When we got engaged and set a date, things started to change.

First, she came with us to the venue we wanted and took a tour - we all loved it!  That was just about the only thing we've agreed on so far.

She would always be asking me questions about the wedding and I have been doing my best to dodge them, as I  realize we have completely different visions on how this day will go - overall I'm not sure she realizes her place in all of this.  Her children are quite literally the center of her world and she would do anything for them, but I am not sure she realizes that there is a whole other family involved and that decisions are being made between her son and....the bride?

Anyway, so first she would ask me questions about what I was thinking about the color palate - I told her burgundy, blush, golds, lots of greenery (it's a fall wedding).  She didn't really say anything but it was clear she wasn't a fan.  Not a big deal in this case.  Then I would mention things like the fact that I don't want to bother with favors because people don't usually take them and she goes on about how she can do them, which I took as her wanting to help so I let that one go too.  Then she had a problem with the number of people in the wedding party (6 on each side) and seemed personally offended by that decision, and that it was way too many.  I can cut her daughter out if she wants??  And then she had a problem with one of the girls I wanted to have in it, etc.  She also kept suggesting this VERY expensive dessert option that just isn't in the budget (she is paying for the rehearsal dinner - we are paying for the wedding with some help from my parents) - though later on she did mention that it's expensive.  Again, all minor things that I'm not going to lose sleep over.

But here's the one thing I can't let go.  She is deeply deeply Catholic.  I think it's wonderful that she has a faith and a community that she loves so much and it makes her happy.  I would never in a million years try to tell someone how they should live their lives or what they should believe or how they should marry their partner.  But I don't feel like that respect of one's beliefs is being reciprocated.  We broke the news to her that we won't be getting married in the Catholic church and she was upset but took it better than I thought.  But then she made it clear that it was unacceptable to be married by a JP, even a practicing Catholic, and that it wasn't okay to just have "religious undertones" as was/is our intention, and that it would be disrespectful to god.  

My question is, how do I establish a boundary, and *very gently and kindly let her know what her place is in all of this?  How do I explain that I'm not sure of where I stand on my faith and that I wish for that to be respected, as I respect her practices and beliefs to be her own?  If I don't establish a clear boundary now then I will have trouble with this for probably many years.  Thank you!

Is your FI a practicing Catholic?  If you choose to have children, have you discussed whether you will baptize them and/or raise them as Catholics?  If you and your FI have things clear between yourselves, then the rest will just have to fall into place with time.

I understand your FMIL.  I am fairly old school Catholic, and have been a MOB and MOG.  My DD married in the Sacrament of Marriage.  My DS married in an extremely secular ceremony void of any prayer.  His officiant was a childhood friend who became ordained via .com.  Unfortunately, what your FMIL must understand is that YOUR wedding has nothing to do with her.  Your wedding must represent who YOU and your FI are as a couple.  Had my son married in any way other than the way he did, it would have been disrespectful to me.  He does not practice the faith.  Although never said aloud, I am fairly certain he is agnostic.  Does it bother me that faith does not fulfill or sustain him in the way it does me?  100%  But it would bother me more for him to pretend.  I focused on the love he and his wife have for each other, and how each brings out the best in the other. 

Because she has offered to host the rehearsal dinner, give her all the latitude she wants in the planning.  But the wedding is a reflection of you and your FI.  Stop sharing so many details, particularly those in which you want no input.  If she asks, simply tell her that there are some details you want to hold as a surprise.  The number of guests in your wedding party are only necessary as they pertain to invitations to the rehearsal dinner.  Thank her for her input and let it go.  It sounds to me as if your FI may have to start weaning his mom from her role as #1 in his life.  Your FI needs to be the one to start establishing small but firm boundaries.

ILoveBeachMusic

MobKaz said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

banana468 said:

I think it's all in how the rule loosening can be done.  Not all churches require you to be a member there for 6 months but you do need to show proof that you're a Catholic in good standing and THEN you need to pay a non member premium. 

Ex: Newport RI is a major tourist destination and wedding location.   Catholic churches will charge over $1000 for non members because they don't want to be used just as a pretty backdrop AND there are major fees to run facilities in that area. 

DD's church (downtown Chicago) charged them $1000 to use the church (she and SIL were/are members) not including the musicians and the priest.

I have heard that Holy Name and Old St. Pat's charge a pretty penny.  I had no idea the cost was the same for parishoners!  I know a few also require specific photographers because the church has had too many instances of disrespectful photographers being oblivious during the Mass.

Our church still works on a "donation" basis, but some of the other ministers (cantors, musicians) will cite specific fees.  I believe we gave the church $500, and each of the altar servers $20-25. 

I did try to post multiple times when this thread first started.  DD married in a full nuptial mass.  DS married in an extremely secular ceremony void of any prayer.  His officiant was a childhood friend who became ordained via .com.  The wedding must represent who the bride and groom are as a couple.  Had my son married in any other way than the way he did, it would have been disrespectful.  He does not practice the faith.  Of course it bothers me that faith does not fulfill or sustain him in the way it does me.  But it would upset me greatly for him to pretend it did.  I focused on the love he and his wife have for each other, and how each brings out the best in the other.

***I realize this topic has basically ended, but I keep trying to submit this response just to see if/when it ever gets “approved”.   ***And now, not only do I need to wait “approval”, I apparently no longer “have permission” to do this!  Oy!

@mobkaz I think you are out of purgatory LOL! But yes they are parishioners. I don't know what the cost is for non-parishioners (or if non-parishioners are allowed to marry there). The church also had requirements for photographers (which I understand) but it was a pain to work with and around. In hindsight, I would have handled it differently but that is a whole other story. They (DD and SIL) are very active at their church but I have some issues with the church. I'm not sure if it is this church in particular or the archdiocese or the Catholic church in general but they have to pay a fee to have the babies baptized. They do baptisms outside of the Mass on Sunday afternoons so supposedly the fee is to cover the cost of wear and tear on the church in addition to the priest's fee. No disrespect intended, but that just rubs me the wrong way. In my church, babies are baptized during the Sunday church service and there is no fee. I'm sure their church would waive the fee if it was a hardship to the family. 

ILoveBeachMusic

MobKaz said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

MobKaz said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

banana468 said:

I think it's all in how the rule loosening can be done.  Not all churches require you to be a member there for 6 months but you do need to show proof that you're a Catholic in good standing and THEN you need to pay a non member premium. 

Ex: Newport RI is a major tourist destination and wedding location.   Catholic churches will charge over $1000 for non members because they don't want to be used just as a pretty backdrop AND there are major fees to run facilities in that area. 

DD's church (downtown Chicago) charged them $1000 to use the church (she and SIL were/are members) not including the musicians and the priest.

I have heard that Holy Name and Old St. Pat's charge a pretty penny.  I had no idea the cost was the same for parishoners!  I know a few also require specific photographers because the church has had too many instances of disrespectful photographers being oblivious during the Mass.

Our church still works on a "donation" basis, but some of the other ministers (cantors, musicians) will cite specific fees.  I believe we gave the church $500, and each of the altar servers $20-25. 

I did try to post multiple times when this thread first started.  DD married in a full nuptial mass.  DS married in an extremely secular ceremony void of any prayer.  His officiant was a childhood friend who became ordained via .com.  The wedding must represent who the bride and groom are as a couple.  Had my son married in any other way than the way he did, it would have been disrespectful.  He does not practice the faith.  Of course it bothers me that faith does not fulfill or sustain him in the way it does me.  But it would upset me greatly for him to pretend it did.  I focused on the love he and his wife have for each other, and how each brings out the best in the other.

***I realize this topic has basically ended, but I keep trying to submit this response just to see if/when it ever gets “approved”.   ***And now, not only do I need to wait “approval”, I apparently no longer “have permission” to do this!  Oy!

@mobkaz I think you are out of purgatory LOL! But yes they are parishioners. I don't know what the cost is for non-parishioners (or if non-parishioners are allowed to marry there). The church also had requirements for photographers (which I understand) but it was a pain to work with and around. In hindsight, I would have handled it differently but that is a whole other story. They (DD and SIL) are very active at their church but I have some issues with the church. I'm not sure if it is this church in particular or the archdiocese or the Catholic church in general but they have to pay a fee to have the babies baptized. They do baptisms outside of the Mass on Sunday afternoons so supposedly the fee is to cover the cost of wear and tear on the church in addition to the priest's fee. No disrespect intended, but that just rubs me the wrong way. In my church, babies are baptized during the Sunday church service and there is no fee. I'm sure their church would waive the fee if it was a hardship to the family. 

Yikes!  Now I want to ask whether DD made an offering for the baptisms.  Again, if they did, it would have been a voluntary offering.  Our baptisms are also done on Sunday afternoons.

I would certainly make a monetary offering, as some of the "argument" is legit, but to my knowledge, the only "set" fees are if parishioners use parish musicians and cantors for their ceremonies.

In regards to my release from purgatory, I did anticipate this.....

The fee is considered a donation but it is mandatory and the amount is set so in my mind it really isn't a donation (other than for tax benefits - which no longer are that great, again another discussion). I do agree since it isn't during the Mass, the priest is taking extra time to conduct the ceremony and the utilities are being run more but there is no other choice as to when to have the babies baptized. It would be different if the family was saying " hey we don't want to have the baptism during Mass, we want a private baptism". Sorry, just my two cents for what is worth.

Your GIFS are cracking me up!

MobKaz

 @ILoveBeachMusic , when we submit an offering that is attached to an event, such as wedding or baptism, they are never itemized on our annual contribution statement.  I had always understood those particular offerings were not charitable contributions/deductions since a service was "rendered". 

I fear my GIF days are numbered.  In my attempts to partake in The Apology Tour/Spamaggedon Delete Marathon, I'm concerned I am developing contractures!  In typical Knot fashion, some of my attempts are successful, and yet other posts I think have been deleted, return!  My multi tab, multi tasking days are numbered!

knottie7d6129cc92a62680

i guess you should let your FI talk about this with your MIL. since even though she's the kind of person you've been saying as a good MIL, but if things don't go according to what she believes, it could get ugly. and only if the explanation from your FI of why you guys are not going to have your ceremony held in a catholic church, might she considers.

MairePoppy

MobKaz said:

Yes! Let's play the Delete the Post game. If anyone would like their duplicate posts deleted, I'm up to the challenge. Just say the word.

OliveOilsMom

STARMOON44 said:

banana468 said:

knottieda10bcd9733d97aa said:

Help!  I need some suggestions on how to deal with this situation.



My question is, how do I establish a boundary, and *very gently and kindly let her know what her place is in all of this?  How do I explain that I'm not sure of where I stand on my faith and that I wish for that to be respected, as I respect her practices and beliefs to be her own?  If I don't establish a clear boundary now then I will have trouble with this for probably many years.  Thank you!

So one thing is sticking to me in the above and it's why I think the OP may have some issues with the MIL.   I hope that you and your FI really look into what it means to have a religious or non religious ceremony full stop.   I said that before but this isn't something that's just easily remedied like by going back to church and everything is fine.   So some research may be needed on your end to ensure your'e both making the right decision together for the two of you.   

Second, I also agree with @mrsconn23 that the put her in her place mindset isn't necessarily the right way to go.   Think of the marriage as the beginning here.   And this is building a relationship that you're going to have with this woman for a long time.   A put in place mindset rarely goes over well with anyone especially if you will possibly share holidays.  

Idk why you’re assuming they hasn’t done their research, aren’t fully aware, and aren’t 100 percent okay with this. 

Because you would be surprised at how many full time practicing Catholic do not know the rules.  There were many brides who would post on the Catholic board (though it is now practically dead - along with many other boards), to ask how they can go about having an outdoor Catholic wedding, for example.

There are also many laypeople who work in the front offices of Churches and give out incorrect information.  There have been a few posts over the years on these boards where non-Catholics trying to marry a Catholic have been told that they need to convert.  That is also not needed to have a Catholic-valid marriage.

OP - if you ever come back.  You mention your beliefs, but what about your FI?  If he is a practicing Catholic (or wants to remain in good standing), I think it would be beneficial to meet with a priest to speak about what happens when your FI does not get married in the Church. 

If your FI is no longer practicing and does not care about being in "good standing", then HE needs to speak with his mom about the choice you both made in how/where your ceremony will take place.