Dear Prudence,
I have one older brother and three younger. While my older brother and I were very close growing up, we have drifted apart as adults. He moved to a big city, has an expensive lifestyle, and is always going out. I live in a small town, have a lot of student debt, and prefer to stay at home with my husband and dogs. My brother gets upset if he thinks I’m not calling or visiting enough, or spending more time with my other brothers. He lives 11 hours and a $400 flight away. When I visit, he wants to go out often, and he never offers to help with expenses despite knowing about our very different financial situations.
A few years ago, after his first child was born, he got mad that I “wasn’t calling enough” and said that he felt like I didn’t care about my nephew. The reason I talk to my other brothers more is at least in part because they also call me. When I suggested that he should reach out more if he wants to be closer, he gets mad that my “solution to the problem is that he has to pick up the phone.” It feels like a checklist, not a relationship. Talking with and visiting him stress me out, because it always comes back to my not doing enough. My husband says I should detach and only deal with him when I have to, but I’m afraid that will just escalate the problem.
—Playing Favorites