Wedding Party

Bridesmaids dropped out

Hi everyone, I’m a little disappointed in the way my two bridesmaids dropped out on me. My MOH is currently in the process of planning my bachelorette weekend at this nice Villa in Doral. Long story short back in April my MOH told me that she need all the bridesmaids number so she can start putting plans in motion for my bachelorette, I was excited that she randomly wanted to do that. I gave her all their numbers and she went on to text them about her plans (till this day I know nothing about them). She later wrote me and said they all agreed that they would stay at the villa, go half, and help plan. I was excited!!

Fast forward to Two days ago my MOH texted me in a rant saying no one ever responds to her messages only two of them constantly respond. So I took it in my hands to text the other 4 who never respond to her messages basically letting them know that my MOH (I say her name) is trying to get in contact with them are they receiving the messages? Two of them respond asking me questions that should be asked to my MOH because like I stated earlier, I really don’t know anything about the plans. I said that to them and they basically said “well yeah okay I am down, and will be staying at the villa” (which left me confused because they obviously are not texting her back letting her know.) so I basically said to them (perfect, you can let (my moh name) know. 

At this point I was still waiting on the other two to respond which are my OOT cousins. I waited two for them to respond before texting again.. FINALLY one of my cousins responded saying “no we’re not staying at the villa”. So I responded by saying “okay well now I have an idea on how I should go about doing the day of timeline, I need to plan a extra hour for you two to make it to the villa so we can get dressed, and get our hair and make up done”.

(We’re staying at the villa until the wedding day and are getting dressed and etc there)

About 1 hour passed and they haven’t responded AGAIN, so I wrote again saying “are you guys still interested in being bridesmaids”? The same cousin who had responded earlier wrote again saying “I’m at work, but you can just take me off for being a bridesmaid, I’ll just attend the wedding”. At this point my mouth was to the floor. She was so mad that I never told her anything about the wedding plans but as soon as I start doing so she gave me the cold shoulder as though she didn’t want to hear it. I texted her back and said “okay thanks” and haven’t heard from her since. My other OOT cousin haven’t responded AT ALL so I’m guessing she’s agreeing with the other OOT cousin and don’t want to be a bridesmaid anymore either.

I really didn’t want to get involved in the bachelorette planning because the bride shouldn’t have too. I can honestly say we were being IGNORED to the TEA. They both have social media and were very active during the hours of me texting them, they chose to take forever to respond. I really wanted them up there next to me. I can careless about the bachelorette party. 

Sorry for the long paragraphs I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading.

Re: Bridesmaids dropped out

  • I completely understand the frustration I might’ve put on them by constantly writing them, I was just going by them already telling my MOH that they are staying at the villa and are willing to help with whatever just keep them updated. I am still confused as to why give us the silent treatment when you can easily respond and say “I’m no longer interested” or anything so that she knows. I am just a courteous person, And expect the same in return.

    Here’s another reason why I asked them are they still interested in being a bridesmaid, Times I will text them about their dresses I won’t get a response from neither of them, I will constantly have to double text to get a response. They just made things hard for me for no reason and I will never understand why. I didn’t force them to accept being a bridesmaid. I asked and they happily said yes.
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    A little etiquette/potential for "why the silent treatment" - when someone is at work, they cannot text you back as many employers will FIRE them for doing so on the spot if caught, and, you don't know their work schedules sometimes there is OT, other times double-shifts, etc. or they have other plans they can't be texting constantly after work.  Free pass.  Not everyone loves texting as much as you do - communicate using antiquated techniques like picking up the phone.  It really is o.k. 

    Let these details go.  If they show up in the dress, they're a BM, if they don't, they aren't, it's their problem if the dresses aren't hemmed or altered properly, not yours.  Text them once, expect them to be adults and take the necessary action and let the detail go.  

    Next - you opened it up with responding to MOH = interest in being a BM which is totally not o.k. For the ones you haven't heard back from, instead of the constant texting, pick up the phone and call when you know they won't be at work.  Not everyone is an instant-text-back type.  Some people simply hate texting at all which has nothing to do with their interest in being a BM nor anything about you or MOH.  Perceptually, your expectations are out of whack in comparison to their expectations of being a BM, your wedding will always be more important to you than it will be to anyone else, ease up a bit on your BM's these are the individuals which you consider yourself closest, treat them so such that they're still closest after the wedding!
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    short+sassyInLoveInQueensahoywedding
  • MRDCleMRDCle
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    2019bride said:
    I completely understand the frustration I might’ve put on them by constantly writing them, I was just going by them already telling my MOH that they are staying at the villa and are willing to help with whatever just keep them updated. I am still confused as to why give us the silent treatment when you can easily respond and say “I’m no longer interested” or anything so that she knows. I am just a courteous person, And expect the same in return.

    Here’s another reason why I asked them are they still interested in being a bridesmaid, Times I will text them about their dresses I won’t get a response from neither of them, I will constantly have to double text to get a response. They just made things hard for me for no reason and I will never understand why. I didn’t force them to accept being a bridesmaid. I asked and they happily said yes.
    By your screen name I assume you aren't getting married till next year - maybe dresses for a wedding 6+ months out isn't quite on their radar yet.  It's still pretty early. 
    InLoveInQueensMyNameIsNotahoywedding
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    edited June 29
    Scrap all the plans and start over from scratch.

    First, apologize to everyone. Then, as @artbyallie says, unless you've already done this, contact each of your attendants privately and get their budgets. Then pick a dress that fits everyone's budget, and plan to pick up the cost of anything else you require from them. 

    Choose gifts for them within a reasonable budget for yourself that are not things you require or "expect" them to wear or use on your wedding day and that have not been "personalized" with anything wedding-related, like a "bridesmaid" message or your name or the wedding date.

    And let them communicate with each other regarding any parties for you. Realize that "girls' getaways" don't work for everyone. If any of them complain to you that one or more of the others is unresponsive, don't get involved yourself.

    When you need to communicate with your bridesmaids, do it by phone. Don't text them. I personally hate texting because it's both terse and expensive for my phone plan. And do it outside of business hours!

    Finally, if anyone isn't responsive, don't question that as wanting to step down from being a bridesmaid. Ask them about what's going on in their lives and be supportive of them. Your wedding is never going to matter to them as much as it does to you.
    InLoveInQueens
  • Before texting them my MOH said that she looked up the prices and equally divided how much everyone will pay per person. She asked them can they afford it and they all agreed and were quit happy about it. It wasn’t until recently that they stopped responding. Mind you the last time the bachelorette party was spoken about to them was back in the beginning of April. So, she was in no way texting them non-stop about it. They had a two month gap in between. Also, I recently just started back talking about dresses with them as well, last time I spoke about dresses with them was back in February. I was just doing what I thought was right by texting them over and over to get a response because that’s the usual when I text them. This time it was different and I know I was being IGNORED. But I will properly apologize to my cousins if I offended them in any way. 
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    (We’re staying at the villa until the wedding day and are getting dressed and etc there)

    How long of a stay is this?  I'd be a bit overwhelmed / put off by this, tbh.



    Anniversary
    InLoveInQueensahoywedding
  • I’m so sorry. You sound like you are used to being the one organizing things and do a lot through email/text and you were just trying to help out your maid of honor. On first instincts, just reading this and not knowing anyone involved, my gut feeling is it has to do with money. But don’t jump right out and ask. Money with traveling, bridesmaids dresses, villa, etc. or maybe they don’t want to stay there? Maybe changed their mind? 

    I probably would have never gotten involved. But you were trying to be helpful and I get that. Texts can sometimes come off as passive aggressive. I know that’s not what you intended, that you read silence as a change of heart, but maybe they were uncomfortable with something, had a change in circumstances, don’t like texts or many other factors.

    So do this:

    Call, if they don’t answer leave a text.
    Hey, I’m concerned that I came off catty when I asked if you still wanted to be my bridesmaid. Please know that was not my intention and in hindsight I’m worried that’s how I came across. If you have time can you call me back? You mean so much to me and I’m so sorry if anything I did made you feel uncomfortable. I would really like to talk to you to apologize. I want to make sure we are ok.

    Send two different texts, don’t group them together. Switch it up a bit in case they compare notes. But only leave a text if you can’t reach them via phone. 

    When you talk to them say that you’re sorry if you came across wrong. That you were trying to help out your maid of honor with preparations and both of y’all thought they weren’t getting MOH’s texts and you didn’t want them to feel excluded. You would love for them to be your bridesmaids, but you realize it’s a lot to ask. Is there anything you can do to help them (if your budget allows) or are they worried about the bachelorette plans because that’s not a requirement and you’re happy if they want to do something else or not attend if they are unable to. The most important thing to you is your relationship with them and them being comfortable and not feeling obligated. 

    If they don’t want to be your bridesmaids then don’t try and replace them. It’s ok not to have even numbers of bridesmaids and groomsmen. Also, just speaking as a bridesmaid 5 times now I don’t think looking for dresses 6 months in advance is weird. I’ve had brides ask 3-8 months out about dresses to allow their bridesmaids time to pay and get their dresses altered. I personally wouldn’t ask more than 6 months out though. 

    I hope it works out and you’re able to mend the relationship. Also tell your MOH not to stress, that just hanging out with them and spending time together is appreciated. She may have to change up plans if they don’t participate in the villa. It sounds like a great wedding weekend though! Don’t drink too much 2-3 days before. It makes your face bloat and sugar can cause breakouts depending on your sensitivity. 
    short+sassy2019bride
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