SMH

nightnerd

A friend got married in November. I was a bridesmaid. It was a low-grade mess (not so much with etiquette, just some things that happened that day) but overall fun. She's been super busy since then with her new husband, house, and life. I haven't seen or heard much of her after the wedding, which was initially a little hurtful, but I'm over it. It felt like we were drifting into very different lives anyway, so I'm okay with that.

Got a text a couple weeks ago that went something like this: "Hey frand! So I'm putting together my wedding album and OMG I have NO pics with my bridesmaids and I'm super jealous of my husband's pics with his groomsmen. Let's get together soon, bring your dress or something in the same color, and let's take some more photos for the album! Give me your availability, I'll see if all of us girls can get together one day to make it easier, but if not maybe we'll just hang!"

Like...bruh. It's been eight months. I've gotten rid of the dress. I'm doing stuff this summer. I've moved on. Sorry 'bout your photos, I guess?

This is mostly a vent, but if I'm delusional for not wanting to participate, feel free to call me out. I don't want to be completely nasty to her, but I'm debating how kind and accommodating to be, if that makes sense.

ShesSoCold

nightnerd said:

A friend got married in November. I was a bridesmaid. It was a low-grade mess (not so much with etiquette, just some things that happened that day) but overall fun. She's been super busy since then with her new husband, house, and life. I haven't seen or heard much of her after the wedding, which was initially a little hurtful, but I'm over it. It felt like we were drifting into very different lives anyway, so I'm okay with that.

Got a text a couple weeks ago that went something like this: "Hey frand! So I'm putting together my wedding album and OMG I have NO pics with my bridesmaids and I'm super jealous of my husband's pics with his groomsmen. Let's get together soon, bring your dress or something in the same color, and let's take some more photos for the album! Give me your availability, I'll see if all of us girls can get together one day to make it easier, but if not maybe we'll just hang!"

Like...bruh. It's been eight months. I've gotten rid of the dress. I'm doing stuff this summer. I've moved on. Sorry 'bout your photos, I guess?

This is mostly a vent, but if I'm delusional for not wanting to participate, feel free to call me out. I don't want to be completely nasty to her, but I'm debating how kind and accommodating to be, if that makes sense.

Yikes. This sounds terrible.

I have NO idea how I'd respond to this. Maybe, "I'm sorry, I've already donated the dress and I'm pretty busy. I hope married life is going well!" and hope she gets the "fuck no I ain't doing that" message.

Jen4948

How about

"It's nice to hear from you. I hope we can get together soon. Unfortunately, I no longer have the dress."

downtondiva

You are not delusional. It's not your problem that she didn't bother to get any pictures with her bridesmaids and is just regretting it 8 months later. 

Tell her it would be nice to see her but you don't have the dress anymore.  She'll probably just say again to wear something in the same color. Whether you want to accommodate her at that point probably depends on how much you care about keeping up the friendship. 

climbingsingle

That is bananas! I’d be upfront and tell her you don’t have the dress anymore. 

nightnerd

Yeah, that's what I basically did. My dumb ass will still probably get sucked into the whole event anyway. As the one of her six bridesmaids who probably will be the least devastated if the friendship ends, I almost want to be the honest one and be like, "So, this is kind of uncomfortable. Wine and tipsy selfies is one thing, but I'm not about this wedding day recreation." She's debating breaking out her own dress and everything. Yeesh.

redwoodoriginal

Omfg. I’d be like oh nice to hear from you... nah bish I threw that dress out and I’m not about to block off another day bc you were a disaster and didn’t get all the pics you wanted.

What the actual fuck....

STARMOON44

I’d just ignore this forever

banana468

Just be honest!  "Hey i'm totally down for a girls night but I don't have the dress anymore or anything in that color.  How about blue denim and a red solo cup?"

charlotte989875

I’d nope out of that so fast. If homegirl wants to get together for drinks and to catchup, sure. Recreating wedding pictures 8 months (8 months!) later? Sorry, I’m busy until forever. 

holyguacamole79

climbingwife said:

That is bananas! I’d be upfront and tell her you don’t have the dress anymore. 

downtondiva

nightnerd said:

Yeah, that's what I basically did. My dumb ass will still probably get sucked into the whole event anyway. As the one of her six bridesmaids who probably will be the least devastated if the friendship ends, I almost want to be the honest one and be like, "So, this is kind of uncomfortable. Wine and tipsy selfies is one thing, but I'm not about this wedding day recreation." She's debating breaking out her own dress and everything. Yeesh.

Yeesh indeed. Why weren't these photos done at the wedding? 

It's100% reasonable for you to decline participating in this. She may get mad at you, but you're not responsible for her (or her photographer) missing these shots on the big day, so why should you take time out of your life for this now?
You seem to have made peace with not being close with her anymore anyway, so if you're not comfortable with this, I think it's totally okay to say no. 

MobKaz

nightnerd said:

Yeah, that's what I basically did. My dumb ass will still probably get sucked into the whole event anyway. As the one of her six bridesmaids who probably will be the least devastated if the friendship ends, I almost want to be the honest one and be like, "So, this is kind of uncomfortable. Wine and tipsy selfies is one thing, but I'm not about this wedding day recreation." She's debating breaking out her own dress and everything. Yeesh.

 

nightnerd

MobKaz said:

 

Right? What I'm curious about is if she's going to bring back the photographer too - or, if not, who's taking the pictures? If the whole dress is coming out, is she gonna do something fancy with her hair? Makeup? If she does, isn't it gonna look goofy with the rest of us all decidedly not spiffed up (because WHO is doing all of that AGAIN?)? If she doesn't...WTF is even the point?

The whole thing mystifies me even more the longer I think about it.

short+sassy

downtondiva said:

nightnerd said:

Yeah, that's what I basically did. My dumb ass will still probably get sucked into the whole event anyway. As the one of her six bridesmaids who probably will be the least devastated if the friendship ends, I almost want to be the honest one and be like, "So, this is kind of uncomfortable. Wine and tipsy selfies is one thing, but I'm not about this wedding day recreation." She's debating breaking out her own dress and everything. Yeesh.

Yeesh indeed. Why weren't these photos done at the wedding? 

It's100% reasonable for you to decline participating in this. She may get mad at you, but you're not responsible for her (or her photographer) missing these shots on the big day, so why should you take time out of your life for this now?
You seem to have made peace with not being close with her anymore anyway, so if you're not comfortable with this, I think it's totally okay to say no. 

The whole things sounds crazy, but the bolded is the part I am the most hung up on, lol.  That's such a standard, "always done" kind of pic.  I'm pretty shocked that no one, including the photog, realized these shots hadn't been taken yet.

I would probably say something to my friend like, "Oh no!  I can understand some disappointment this shot wasn't taken.  But I'm sure you all have a bunch of other great photos.  Unfortunately, I don't have the dress anymore.  Instead of going to the extreme of everyone dressing back for a recreation, why don't we all plan a brunch outing.  We can all wear our favorite outfit/sundress/whatever and it will still be some really cute pics of you and your WP all together. 

nightnerd

Hahaha, she texted today asking when we're doing this. I said basically what everyone here suggested - no more dress, super busy this summer, maybe we'll catch up in the fall. She was like, "Oh. Well, I was hoping we could do this during the summer while I have free time. But I guess we could do it in September and have pics in time for the anniversary." And graciously offered to let me use a dress she has in her colors  (I would be very surprised if it actually fit me, she's extremely petite).

I just...I can't. Part of me is like, it's a two second picture, just do it; then a much more vocal part of me is all, "NO, you did NOT spend all those years lurking on TK to let this happen!"

banana468

nightnerd said:

Hahaha, she texted today asking when we're doing this. I said basically what everyone here suggested - no more dress, super busy this summer, maybe we'll catch up in the fall. She was like, "Oh. Well, I was hoping we could do this during the summer while I have free time. But I guess we could do it in September and have pics in time for the anniversary." And graciously offered to let me use a dress she has in her colors  (I would be very surprised if it actually fit me, she's extremely petite).

I just...I can't. Part of me is like, it's a two second picture, just do it; then a much more vocal part of me is all, "NO, you did NOT spend all those years lurking on TK to let this happen!"

Yikes.   Could you say, "If you want to do it in September I'm around on these days.   What size is your dress?  I usually wear something around a Y/Z size so it may not work but we could definitely get together to catch up and take some fun girls pics." 

I'd make it clear that you're fine getting together but the only thing you plan to spend money on is a mojito. 

ShesSoCold

Honestly, I know you said you're not super close to her anymore, but since she's pushing, I might be honest with her. "Look, I know you don't want to hear this but do you really think these will satisfy your want for bridesmaids pictures? It's really unfortunate that those pics didn't happen but hasn't that ship sailed? These will be pictures with your friends, awkwardly standing in coordinating colors. They're not going to fit seamlessly into your wedding album and I really doubt this is something you can recreate.".

And suggest photoshop.

nightnerd

@ShesSoCold I kind of love that wording and might use a lot of it. I don't want to be mean, but I also don't feel like deliberately sparing her feelings from the fact that this is cray. I don't know how things have gone with the others, but I certainly feel like a prop since she hasn't really seemed to care about hanging out other than this.

banana468

nightnerd said:

Hahaha, she texted today asking when we're doing this. I said basically what everyone here suggested - no more dress, super busy this summer, maybe we'll catch up in the fall. She was like, "Oh. Well, I was hoping we could do this during the summer while I have free time. But I guess we could do it in September and have pics in time for the anniversary." And graciously offered to let me use a dress she has in her colors  (I would be very surprised if it actually fit me, she's extremely petite).

I just...I can't. Part of me is like, it's a two second picture, just do it; then a much more vocal part of me is all, "NO, you did NOT spend all those years lurking on TK to let this happen!"

@s@ShesSoCold is better - especially if it's a friendship you want to salvage then maybe a little truth sandwich is in order.    On top of it, maybe there ARE photos out there that were taken that can be used but she just needs to get at them?  

These won't be from the wedding, the wedding reception and no one is going to look remotely "bridesmaidy".   So maybe a gentle conversation about what's the real deal may help.

ShesSoCold

Yeah, I mean, it could go a couple ways. She could get all pissed off and recreate the pictured without you (heartbreaking!) but you said the friendship was fading anyway, right?

Or she could be understanding about it, which, if she's a somewhat reasonable person who just got wrapped up in ZOMG WEDDINGGGGG, would make the most sense. 

You know how awkward posed bridal party pictures are anyway? Jesus, I can't imagine the visible discomfort from one taken SEVEN MONTHS later.

thisismynickname2

I'm going to go against the grain here. First of all, I totally respect that there's irritation that she's let the friendship fade, that this is the first amount of effort she's put into socializing with you since the wedding. 

But, if you want to salvage the friendship, this is something I would go along with. And I'd go along with it with a solid dose of humor upfront: "Hey, if you're buying drinks and I don't have to do my hair and makeup any differently from how I normally do it, fine." 

I mean, I've been a bridesmaid countless times and standing around smiling for pictures is NBD. Is this a silly idea, yes! Is it a silly idea that's totally no skin off my nose (assuming wearing the right color isn't a problem), also yes. You guys find some fun backdrop, spend 10 minutes cheesing for the camera, done. Even if the dress color thing is a non-starter, it may make her happy to have a few nice pictures with her friends. Any clothes are acceptable for that purpose. If she wants to make herself look silly in her wedding dress it's her prerogative, but maybe she won't, and pictures that won't match her wedding album don't matter to her and what matters is having nice pictures with those that stood by her on her wedding day. 

Maybe part of where I'm coming from is that most of my pictures with my best friends involve us looking drunk and sloppy, so having lovely photos from a wedding is really nice to have. Maybe that's all she wants, just hypothesizing. 

But if you're legit uncomfortable with the whole photo taking shebang, even if you do want to salvage the friendship, then tell her honestly why you don't want to and hopefully she'll accept that. 

banana468

thisismynickname2 said:

I'm going to go against the grain here. First of all, I totally respect that there's irritation that she's let the friendship fade, that this is the first amount of effort she's put into socializing with you since the wedding. 

But, if you want to salvage the friendship, this is something I would go along with. And I'd go along with it with a solid dose of humor upfront: "Hey, if you're buying drinks and I don't have to do my hair and makeup any differently from how I normally do it, fine." 

I mean, I've been a bridesmaid countless times and standing around smiling for pictures is NBD. Is this a silly idea, yes! Is it a silly idea that's totally no skin off my nose (assuming wearing the right color isn't a problem), also yes. You guys find some fun backdrop, spend 10 minutes cheesing for the camera, done. Even if the dress color thing is a non-starter, it may make her happy to have a few nice pictures with her friends. Any clothes are acceptable for that purpose. If she wants to make herself look silly in her wedding dress it's her prerogative, but maybe she won't, and pictures that won't match her wedding album don't matter to her and what matters is having nice pictures with those that stood by her on her wedding day. 

Maybe part of where I'm coming from is that most of my pictures with my best friends involve us looking drunk and sloppy, so having lovely photos from a wedding is really nice to have. Maybe that's all she wants, just hypothesizing. 

But if you're legit uncomfortable with the whole photo taking shebang, even if you do want to salvage the friendship, then tell her honestly why you don't want to and hopefully she'll accept that. 

I think the issue is that the bride is still hung up on having A dress even though the original is gone.  

If it was about 'wear something cute and I'll pick up the tab for dinner and drinks' it could be fun but based on what the OP is saying it just sort of hints at her thinking that she's wanting to recreate something that sailed.   

She needs to accept reality that no amount of photos with the people who stood up with her on her wedding day taken 10 months after it will look like they were taken at her wedding.

This is worse than Chandler and Ross with the disposable cameras. 

nightnerd

It's not even necessarily about the dress for her, more that we all wear something in her colors (which I don't have much of in my closet and don't feel like buying) and that apparently there's this time constraint now of doing this before she starts work again in the fall. I just feel like I already made time (during the holidays) to wear her colors and pose for pictures and stand up at her wedding last year, and now that I'm busy at work, graduating, going to other weddings, and moving in the next month she expects me to do it again.

I think I'll just be like, "Yeah, I've got nothing in that color, I'm not gonna fit in your dress, but next time we all get together I'm totally game for some cute pictures; doesn't have to be wedding-related." @thisismynickname2 has inspired some compassion in me, lol, so I don't feel as obsessed with being like THIS IS STRAIGHT BATSHIT, ya know?

holyguacamole79

This reminds me of the "Friends" episode after Monica & Chandler's wedding where Chandler thinks he lost the cameras, so he and Ross dress up in their tuxes and take random pictures at a stranger's wedding.

Good times.

banana468

holyguacamole79 said:

This reminds me of the "Friends" episode after Monica & Chandler's wedding where Chandler thinks he lost the cameras, so he and Ross dress up in their tuxes and take random pictures at a stranger's wedding.

Good times.

Great minds.   That was my last comment!

holyguacamole79

banana468 said:

holyguacamole79 said:

This reminds me of the "Friends" episode after Monica & Chandler's wedding where Chandler thinks he lost the cameras, so he and Ross dress up in their tuxes and take random pictures at a stranger's wedding.

Good times.

Great minds.   That was my last comment!

I have no idea how I missed that ....

banana468

@nightnerd is this the same bride with the crazy dress / shoe requirements?

nightnerd

banana468 said:

@nightnerd is this the same bride with the crazy dress / shoe requirements?

@banana468 yep!

banana468

She obsessed about shoe height but didn't make a list of photos she wanted?  Any chance she HAS those photos and wants new ones?

nightnerd

@banana468 totally conceivable to me that she didn't even think about making a list. She had four months to plan, and they were buying their first house and planning to move in together for the first time too, so there was a lot on her mind, lol. I remember her getting photos with the group of bridesmaids but not with each one individually, which I guess is what she's interested in getting now.