Good Omens

frances_l

Three weeks til the wedding and everything is almost complete. I’ve diligently researched everything, planned and checked off to-do’s since last year. It is gratifying to see our vision taking shape as those wistful wedding board dreams come to life.

We picked up my wedding band today. It looks perfect. While we were out getting a bite, the song we picked for our recessional was playing softly.

I hope that’s a good omen!

Anyone else have a moment like this? Please share yours.

banana468

DH's wedding band was wrong first and didn't fit.   My band was wrong but I kept it because I liked it.   It was nearly 100 degrees on our wedding day and DH nearly PTFO at the altar.

But I think it was great that I never had to worry about displaying signs because I felt assured that our guests knew where they were going without a sign.

ShesSoCold

LOL omens, sure. Good ones? Nah.

My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer about 5 weeks before our DW. We scrapped it and slapped together a wedding in our home city. We fucked up our ceremony, I forgot an aisle runner I'd made, I didn't like my hair or dress and we don't have any pictures.

But, the day of our originally scheduled wedding? It was 93 and thunderstorms. We'd planned to get married at the top of a mountain at a ski resort and I doubt they'd run lifts with storms in the area so who knows what would have happened. 

And here we are, 4 years later, happier than ever. 

frances_l

banana468 said:

DH's wedding band was wrong first and didn't fit.   My band was wrong but I kept it because I liked it.   It was nearly 100 degrees on our wedding day and DH nearly PTFO at the altar.

But I think it was great that I never had to worry about displaying signs because I felt assured that our guests knew where they were going without a sign.

This is real stank and you know why.

frances_l

ShesSoCold said:

LOL omens, sure. Good ones? Nah.

My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer about 5 weeks before our DW. We scrapped it and slapped together a wedding in our home city. We fucked up our ceremony, I forgot an aisle runner I'd made, I didn't like my hair or dress and we don't have any pictures.

But, the day of our originally scheduled wedding? It was 93 and thunderstorms. We'd planned to get married at the top of a mountain at a ski resort and I doubt they'd run lifts with storms in the area so who knows what would have happened. 

And here we are, 4 years later, happier than ever. 

Wow... when things go wrong, they go wrong. Losing family along the way is awful... I’m sorry about that. But it’s beautiful that you have four years and counting.

The thing I feel most sad about in all the process is that I’ll never meet his parents. FH lost his father to cancer in the 90s and his mother passed back in November after living with Alzheimer’s diagnosis for five years. Only real regret is that I wish I could’ve gotten to know them.

We are planning a special memorial for them on the day of.

ShesSoCold

frances_l said:

ShesSoCold said:

LOL omens, sure. Good ones? Nah.

My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer about 5 weeks before our DW. We scrapped it and slapped together a wedding in our home city. We fucked up our ceremony, I forgot an aisle runner I'd made, I didn't like my hair or dress and we don't have any pictures.

But, the day of our originally scheduled wedding? It was 93 and thunderstorms. We'd planned to get married at the top of a mountain at a ski resort and I doubt they'd run lifts with storms in the area so who knows what would have happened. 

And here we are, 4 years later, happier than ever. 

Wow... when things go wrong, they go wrong. Losing family along the way is awful... I’m sorry about that. But it’s beautiful that you have four years and counting.

The thing I feel most sad about in all the process is that I’ll never meet his parents. FH lost his father to cancer in the 90s and his mother passed back in November after living with Alzheimer’s diagnosis for five years. Only real regret is that I wish I could’ve gotten to know them.

We are planning a special memorial for them on the day of.

frances_l

If disagree with honoring his folks memory with a remembrance in the program and a small memorial table with a candle then that’s fine, but we know that his family would appreciate the gesture.

MRDCle

frances_l said:

If disagree with honoring his folks memory with a remembrance in the program and a small memorial table with a candle then that’s fine, but we know that his family would appreciate the gesture.

Are there signs to explain this memorial?

frances_l

MRDCle said:

frances_l said:

If disagree with honoring his folks memory with a remembrance in the program and a small memorial table with a candle then that’s fine, but we know that his family would appreciate the gesture.

Are there signs to explain this memorial?

There are clear signs that you’re trolling.

MRDCle

frances_l said:

MRDCle said:

frances_l said:

If disagree with honoring his folks memory with a remembrance in the program and a small memorial table with a candle then that’s fine, but we know that his family would appreciate the gesture.

Are there signs to explain this memorial?

There are clear signs that you’re trolling.

No, not really.  Don't you think it would be "appropriate and to be helpful to guests" to explain why you want to turn your wedding into a memorial for people who have passed? Some people may want to know why they come to a joyous event like a wedding and are presented with what may be painful memories.

frances_l

Before we planned this we made sure that people wouldn’t be uncomfortable with the idea.

And yes. You are trolling.
If you were trying to be genuinely helpful then you would find a better way of expression than sarcasm. 

MRDCle

frances_l said:

Before we planned this we made sure that people wouldn’t be uncomfortable with the idea.

And yes. You are trolling.
If you were trying to be genuinely helpful then you would find a better way of expression than sarcasm. 

I am trying to be helpful.  I'm letting you know it might be painful for people to see photos (or whatever your memorial entails) of their deceased loved ones. Not my problem that you won't accept any constructive criticism you've received. 

frances_l

I’m telling you that you’re doing a poor job of it. Your delivery is needlessly ugly. And you ignore that I just said that we discussed this with the family.

MRDCle

frances_l said:

I’m telling you that you’re doing a poor job of it. Your delivery is needlessly ugly. And you ignore that I just said that we discussed this with the family.

Yeah - it's tough to help someone who refuses to listen to a whole group of people telling them there are issues with what they're doing. I'll survive though. 

frances_l

Because a whole group of people have never been wrong about anything ever.

frances_l

Instead of leaving me alone you’d rather come on here and follow me from one post to the next harassing me and claiming that your sarcastic, rude responses are to be received as helpful.

levioosa

Don't do a memorial table, OP. They are not appropriate in what should be a joyous occasion. 

climbingsingle

My first marriage was to a man who had lost both of his parents. Trust me on this - don't do a memorial. It's already going to be an emotionally hard day. 

MRDCle

frances_l said:

Because a whole group of people have never been wrong about anything ever.

This is two topics know where a group of people are encouraging you to rethink your plans.  But you think it's more likely that everyone else is wrong and you're right on two topics?

frances_l

levioosa said:

Don't do a memorial table, OP. They are not appropriate in what should be a joyous occasion. 

Thank you we will consider it.

We definitely don’t want to appear insensitive. FH was so very enthusiastic about it before but may think differently now.

frances_l

MRDCle said:

frances_l said:

Because a whole group of people have never been wrong about anything ever.

This is two topics know where a group of people are encouraging you to rethink your plans.  But you think it's more likely that everyone else is wrong and you're right on two topics?

You can leave me alone at any time.

MRDCle

frances_l said:

levioosa said:

Don't do a memorial table, OP. They are not appropriate in what should be a joyous occasion. 

Thank you we will consider it.

We definitely don’t want to appear insensitive. FH was so very enthusiastic about it before but may think differently now.

Glad to hear you will reconsider. 

ShesSoCold

My mom died after my wedding, but had she died before, I wouldn't have done anything "in memorial" for her. Getting married without her would have been bad enough and the last thing I would have needed is another reminder - a physical in-your-face reminder that she wasn't there. Hell, getting married during her last weeks was hard enough. 

My cousin got married after she died and BOOM right there when you walk into the reception was a huge 8X10 of her. Slapped me right in the face. I knew she wasn't there. We all knew she wasn't there. I'd been thinking about her the whole trip and everyone had been talking about her. I didn't need a giant picture of her (with jaundice, of course) to remind me. 

frances_l

MRDCle said:

frances_l said:

levioosa said:

Don't do a memorial table, OP. They are not appropriate in what should be a joyous occasion. 

Thank you we will consider it.

We definitely don’t want to appear insensitive. FH was so very enthusiastic about it before but may think differently now.

Glad to hear you will reconsider. 

Glad that there’s people here with the capacity to give suggestions without engaging in rudeness or the need to harass others. Unlike yourself. 

thisismynickname2

OP, instead of a memorial, which can be very painful, a bit of a compromise may be to display all kinds of family pictures. A recent wedding I was at had the table that held the guest book decorated with, oh, at least a dozen beautifully framed photos of grand parents, great grandparents, etc. on respective wedding days. The majority of those people had passed but it was neat to see the family tree and historical wedding finery. This kind of thing carries a much different vibe than a "memorial."

To the original question of omens- I can't think of anything. I was just happy the weather was amazing because our venue was atop a skycraper. We paid a lot of money for views and gambled that there wouldn't be low clouds obscuring said views. Success. Yay!

levioosa

frances_l said:

levioosa said:

Don't do a memorial table, OP. They are not appropriate in what should be a joyous occasion. 

Thank you we will consider it.

We definitely don’t want to appear insensitive. FH was so very enthusiastic about it before but may think differently now.

By all means, do something in remembrance of them, but make it private. Serve their favorite food as an appetizer, play their favorite song during the reception, wear their cufflinks, or attach a broach to your bouquet. But outright memorials can be very painful. We lost my grandfather a month before my cousin's wedding and I'm so glad there wasn't a memorial. It would have brought the whole occasion down. Even though it's been over 10 years now, if we went to a family wedding and they had a table or something in his memory it would still make me (and I know my father and other individuals) very sad. Not exactly the feelings you want on a wedding day. 

ShesSoCold

thisismynickname2 said:

OP, instead of a memorial, which can be very painful, a bit of a compromise may be to display all kinds of family pictures. A recent wedding I was at had the table that held the guest book decorated with, oh, at least a dozen beautifully framed photos of grand parents, great grandparents, etc. on respective wedding days. The majority of those people had passed but it was neat to see the family tree and historical wedding finery. This kind of thing carries a much different vibe than a "memorial."

To the original question of omens- I can't think of anything. I was just happy the weather was amazing because our venue was atop a skycraper. We paid a lot of money for views and gambled that there wouldn't be low clouds obscuring said views. Success. Yay!

This is a great idea.

Also the second paragraph - YES!! I worried about that too. I'm like, "Dammit I don't get my mountain wedding so we better not only see fog up there!"

MRDCle

levioosa said:

frances_l said:

levioosa said:

Don't do a memorial table, OP. They are not appropriate in what should be a joyous occasion. 

Thank you we will consider it.

We definitely don’t want to appear insensitive. FH was so very enthusiastic about it before but may think differently now.

By all means, do something in remembrance of them, but make it private. Serve their favorite food as an appetizer, play their favorite song during the reception, wear their cufflinks, or attach a broach to your bouquet. But outright memorials can be very painful. We lost my grandfather a month before my cousin's wedding and I'm so glad there wasn't a memorial. It would have brought the whole occasion down. Even though it's been over 10 years now, if we went to a family wedding and they had a table or something in his memory it would still make me (and I know my father and other individuals) very sad. Not exactly the feelings you want on a wedding day. 

Subtle things are great.  My dad placed my grandpa's signature salt shaker at their table at our wedding. It was meaningful to a few of us without being in the face of anyone. 98% of the people at the wedding probably didn't even notice it was there. 

frances_l

thisismynickname2 said:

OP, instead of a memorial, which can be very painful, a bit of a compromise may be to display all kinds of family pictures. A recent wedding I was at had the table that held the guest book decorated with, oh, at least a dozen beautifully framed photos of grand parents, great grandparents, etc. on respective wedding days. The majority of those people had passed but it was neat to see the family tree and historical wedding finery. This kind of thing carries a much different vibe than a "memorial."

To the original question of omens- I can't think of anything. I was just happy the weather was amazing because our venue was atop a skycraper. We paid a lot of money for views and gambled that there wouldn't be low clouds obscuring said views. Success. Yay!

I love this idea! ❤️
We wanted to have a “family photo wall” at one point. It’d be nice to have a collection of wedding pics from grandparents, parents, other family, etc. I’ll see what FH thinks

short+sassy

thisismynickname2 said:

OP, instead of a memorial, which can be very painful, a bit of a compromise may be to display all kinds of family pictures. A recent wedding I was at had the table that held the guest book decorated with, oh, at least a dozen beautifully framed photos of grand parents, great grandparents, etc. on respective wedding days. The majority of those people had passed but it was neat to see the family tree and historical wedding finery. This kind of thing carries a much different vibe than a "memorial."

To the original question of omens- I can't think of anything. I was just happy the weather was amazing because our venue was atop a skycraper. We paid a lot of money for views and gambled that there wouldn't be low clouds obscuring said views. Success. Yay!

I didn't have any omens.  At least nothing I remember.  It was a bright, beautiful, sunny day.  But that's Southern CA in June for ya, so I can hardly claim it, lol.

I'm sorry about your FH's parents.  My own father passed away when I was in college.  Many years before I got married.  Like yourself, I know my H really wishes he could have met him.  But the PPs are right.  A mention in the program is fine, but don't do even a small memorial table. 

I'm not normally the kind of person to tell people how to feel.  But tell your FH from me, he doesn't want that table.  His parents will be at the wedding in his heart.  He will have moments where he will be thinking about them and wishing they were there.  If he's a religious and/or spiritual person, he will probably even feel their presence at times.  A visual symbol like a memorial table is a constant, sad reminder they aren't physically there.

But @thisismynickname2's example of a table with family photos and wedding photos is fantastic.  It's a symbol of the history of love and family that has brought everyone there on that day, whether still with us on this earth or not, to watch a couple start their own journey on a new branch of the family tree.

I'm starting to feel like a Hallmark card writer, so I'm going to stop there .  But I hope you know what I mean.

frances_l

"I'm starting to feel like a Hallmark card writer, so I'm going to stop there .  But I hope you know what I mean."

@short+sassy appreciate this heart felt response! I don't care that it sounds mushy. It's just the expression that what we needed.

"@thisismynickname2" I shared the idea of bringing back the “family photo wall” as “family photo table” and he liked it better. ❤️

The memorial table idea was brought up around the time when things were fresher and he was adamant about them not being forgotten. He badly wanted them at the wedding in some way. I suggested the table because it seemed like a way to honor his wishes, gave him some comfort, and he was all for it. But I think as he’s learning to cope, he’s not as forceful in grief (ugh, not the best way to describe it). It’s been much brighter and better these days. But men don’t always vocalize their grief as well. I’m thankful for the folks who have been approaching this with sensitivity and kindness as they share experiences.