You've made a noble decision, but you can't control the fall out.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I have two nephews, Joey and Chris, both in their 20s. Joey is transgender and has always been gentle and good. Chris stole a car, drove drunk, and killed two people when he was 15 years old. I have no children and a lot of disposable income. After Joey came out as trans, I paid for their education and health care. Recently, Chris got in trouble again, and my sister came to me for money to pay for the lawyer and bail. I refused and she exploded, claiming I prefer to “play saint to Joey’s persecution” rather than helping Chris. I have swallowed this because Joey is trying to rebuild their relationship with the family and I don’t want to ruin that. But I am sick of my sister’s fundraising for her favorite’s failings. So far, Chris has been expelled, gotten a girl pregnant, and killed people. Joey is a child any parent could dream of. I want to protect Joey but I am also tired of my sister expecting me to pay for Chris’ mistakes. How do I thread this needle without setting everyone off? Joey deserves the world, but I am so tired of my sister.

—Good Nephew, Bad Nephew

CharmedPam

"hey sis, I'm not one to reward bad behavior. That is all." 
edit for my mistake in award vs reward

banana468

"Sis, there's a big difference between paying for someone who is not taking responsibility for his actions vs. someone who is trying to get ahead in life.  " 

mrsconn23

I don't think LW's sister became a raging bitch yesterday.  I'd bet she's been this way for a long time (hello, look at her comments about her own damn son).

So LW needs to realize that making the choice she did was not going to please her sister if she won't allow the well to be tapped for Chris.  I don't think she should stop helping her nephew if that's what she feels compelled to do, but needs to realize that she needs to distance herself from her sister if she doesn't want her 'drama'. 

Also, I don't think she needs to tell Joey what his mom said unless he asks point blank.  I don't see how it would serve to do anything but hurt him.  Maybe his efforts to reconnect will be successful, maybe not.  But it's for him to navigate with them.

baconsmom

I don't understand why people want to do things that upset shitty people without upsetting shitty people. They're shitty! Upset them! And then refuse to talk about it at length or back down, because THEY SHOULD KNOW THEY'RE BEING SHITTY! 

"Hey, Sis, you're being shitty, and your kid is shitty, so no, I'm not offering any money to the Shitty Committee. Now sit down and STFU and look at your life choices." 

VarunaTT

I think LW is being far too considerate of the sister.  The sister is going to bash Joey anyway, it sounds like, and that's Joey's decision to make.  LW needs to cut sister out, but not discuss LW/sister relationship with Joey beyond, "This is the decision I have made regarding my personal toxic relationship."  And be there for Joey fully, not in judgement, when sister continues toxic behavior with Joey.

kerbohl

Chris made his bed, he can lie in it. It just sounds like he is being enabled, and I don't think LW should be made to feel bad that she doesn't want to enable him. Though then again, the LW doesn't say what "trouble" he got into this time, so I would be basing this on LW's description of past behavior.

short+sassy

CharmedPam said:

"hey sis, I'm not one to reward bad behavior. That is all." 
edit for my mistake in award vs reward

banana468 said:

"Sis, there's a big difference between paying for someone who is not taking responsibility for his actions vs. someone who is trying to get ahead in life." 

Along with these types of comments to sis, I would also say that I keep hoping for the day when Chris turns his life around.  And, if he ever does, I would be so pleased to help him with educational/trade school/licensing costs.

But I don't pay for bail and criminal defense attorneys.  Same goes for Joey, if they were to get into legal trouble.