Inviting significant others

knottie74e4ca8479128bdb

bad idea posting here.

ShesSoCold

knottie74e4ca8479128bdb said:

MY FH has many nieces and nephews that range in ages from 12 to 30 and some have boyfriends/girlfriends. We decided that the boyfriends/girlfriends were welcome to join us at the dance, but not for the dinner. My FH explained this to them, and now that we are starting to get RSVPs back, there have been some questions. My FH is started to feel depressed because of people asking if they can bring someone and he feels bad, but we have to set a limit for the dinner somehow! We invited 260 people, and our venue holds 250. How do we handle this?

Oh man. You'e handled this extremely poorly. You cannot exclude significant others of adults, nor should you have over-invited.

The only etiquette approved thing to do here, that I am aware of, is to find a new, bigger reception venue, apologize to the adults in relationships and invite their partners.

Why on Earth would you invite more people than your venue can handle? And do you not realize how rude and flat out shitty it is to invite someone to celebrate your relationship while completely dismissing theirs? 

Edited for clarity.

banana468

knottie74e4ca8479128bdb said:

MY FH has many nieces and nephews that range in ages from 12 to 30 and some have boyfriends/girlfriends. We decided that the boyfriends/girlfriends were welcome to join us at the dance, but not for the dinner. My FH explained this to them and most seemed to understand. And now that we are starting to get RSVPs back, there have been some questions. My FH is started to feel depressed because of people asking if they can bring someone and he feels bad, but we have to set a limit for the dinner somehow! We invited 260 people, and our venue holds 250. How do we handle this?

This was really really shitty.   I'm sorry but there's no way to phrase it.   You told people that they were welcome to attend but not be fed.  How did you expect them to handle that?? 

You screwed up and need to start the apologies pronto.   

1) People in relationships who are grown adults need to be invited with their significant others.

2) You need to invite people to the entire reception and not some funky unfed food portion of it. 


At this point what you *should* do is figure out how you can invite anyone in a relationship with their SO to the entire thing and see if your venue can pull a tent outside or do something creative with the exterior to get extra guests. 

Start making phone calls to your vendors and venue and then your FI can start to call his nieces and nephews and apologies for such an egregious offense. 

levioosa

knottie74e4ca8479128bdb said:

MY FH has many nieces and nephews that range in ages from 12 to 30 and some have boyfriends/girlfriends. We decided that the boyfriends/girlfriends were welcome to join us at the dance, but not for the dinner. My FH explained this to them and most seemed to understand. And now that we are starting to get RSVPs back, there have been some questions. My FH is started to feel depressed because of people asking if they can bring someone and he feels bad, but we have to set a limit for the dinner somehow! We invited 260 people, and our venue holds 250. How do we handle this?

Well, you've made multiple mistakes here.

1) For lurkers--never invite more people than your venues can hold. That count needs to include you as a couple plus your vendors in addition to guests.

2) Everyone over the age of 18 with a significant other needs to have their significant other invited. Length of time does not matter. Engagement status does not matter. If the couple considers themselves to be in a relationship, they need to be invited together. 

OP, you need a bigger venue. You also need to call and apologize to the excluded parties and invite them to the wedding. Obviously 14 year old nephew Jimmy doesn't need an invite for his gf, but as stated previous, everyone over the age of 18 and in a relationship needs to be invited with their SO. 

Jen4948

Unfortunately, you need to find a venue that can hold all these excluded people (except for BF/GFs of minors) and then apologize and invite them ASAP. 

Not including them on your original guest list and then not budgeting for them were big planning mistakes. SOs have to be invited together to weddings, regardless of how old or how serious the relationship is.

ahoywedding

Oh yikes. I can see how it's tempting to invite more people than your venue can hold, since rarely do 100% of invited guests attend anything. However, it's really different to over-invite people to a house party vs. a formal event in an actual event venue. The venue has fire codes & occupancy guidelines they have to adhere to, and the fire code limit includes anyone working the event as well. 

All adults who consider themselves in a relationship should have that partner invited by name, for the entire celebration. IMO, it would be fine to define "adult" as age 18 or high school graduate, whichever line is easier for you to draw. If those nieces & nephews are traveling with their parents & if their parents are anything like our family, the parents may squash the idea of a partner coming on a family vacation so you won't have to worry about it anyway.

My question is...how exactly did you picture things working? Would your friend or family member attend the dinner, then leave to pick up their guest & come back? Or would they drop the guest off somewhere nearby to kill time while you all eat dinner? Or should the guest drive solo to the venue, and then each couple has two cars to deal with at the end of the night? What about anyone from out of town?

MRDCle

ahoywedding said:

Oh yikes. I can see how it's tempting to invite more people than your venue can hold, since rarely do 100% of invited guests attend anything. However, it's really different to over-invite people to a house party vs. a formal event in an actual event venue. The venue has fire codes & occupancy guidelines they have to adhere to, and the fire code limit includes anyone working the event as well. 

All adults who consider themselves in a relationship should have that partner invited by name, for the entire celebration. IMO, it would be fine to define "adult" as age 18 or high school graduate, whichever line is easier for you to draw. If those nieces & nephews are traveling with their parents & if their parents are anything like our family, the parents may squash the idea of a partner coming on a family vacation so you won't have to worry about it anyway.

My question is...how exactly did you picture things working? Would your friend or family member attend the dinner, then leave to pick up their guest & come back? Or would they drop the guest off somewhere nearby to kill time while you all eat dinner? Or should the guest drive solo to the venue, and then each couple has two cars to deal with at the end of the night? What about anyone from out of town?

I once attended DH's cousin's wedding, but was only allowed AFTER the dinner. I got the invite because we got together long after invites went out (not really an excuse, but whatever). DH thought dinner was wrapping up and texted me to come up. I come up and dinner is NOWHERE NEAR DONE.  There is no place for me to sit, there's no food for me, and I'm walking in REAL embarrassed. Highly DO NOT recommend this approach. Time for a new venue!

MRDCle

knottie74e4ca8479128bdb said:

bad idea posting here inviting more people than fit in our venue, in a tiered reception style.

FTFY

MyNameIsNot

You invited all these people without their s/o's, and then told them their s/o's could come dance after dinner? Are you freaking kidding me? How did you expect this to turn out? You don't need to know a damned thing about etiquette to know that is a horrible thing to do.

You need to get a bigger venue and start apologizing. I honestly can't fathom how you would ever think it would be ok to treat people like this. 

ShesSoCold

knottie74e4ca8479128bdb said:

bad idea posting here.

LOL WTF did you want from us?

"tell these people to fuck off and they cannot come. Also pack as many people as possible into a room and hope the fire department doesn't know."?!

levioosa

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that knottienumbers also had a "no ring no bring" policy. 

banana468

knottie74e4ca8479128bdb said:

bad idea posting here.

Yeah.   It's the posting that was a bad idea.

InLoveInQueens

knottie74e4ca8479128bdb said:

bad idea posting here.

Lol did you really think people here would be on your side and give you ideas on how to be a rude shitty host? Have you ever read a single thread in this forum? If you did and you still thought you'd get anything other than "SOs get invited, find a bigger venue", you have many bad ideas. Posting here wasn't one of them, by the way. Inviting too many people and excluding SOs were.

MobKaz

knottie74e4ca8479128bdb said:

bad idea posting here.

Unfortunately, bad ideas seem to be your forte.

The only way to handle it now is to offer apologies to those you offended and insulted.

If you are at a point where RSVP’s are coming in, it’s clearly too late to change venues. I don’t suppose your venue is the type of facility that has the capability of hosting more than one event, and they could open another room for you?  Do they have any additional space anywhere for you to add seating for guests?  

**LURKERS.......NEVER ever invite more than venue capacity banking on some guests responding “not attending”.  Frankly, it is never really a wise idea to invite TO capacity in the first place.  Capacity is NOT the same as comfort.  Couples often forget to factor in necessary seating for photographers, DJ’s, and other miscellaneous service providers.  Finally, the “S” in “SO” stands for SIGNIFICANT other.  They should always be included!

levioosa

MobKaz said:

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knottie74e4ca8479128bdb said:

bad idea posting here.

Unfortunately, bad ideas seem to be your forte.

The only way to handle it now is to offer apologies to those you offended and insulted.

If you are at a point where RSVP’s are coming in, it’s clearly too late to change venues. I don’t suppose your venue is the type of facility that has the capability of hosting more than one event, and they could open another room for you?  Do they have any additional space anywhere for you to add seating for guests?  

**LURKERS.......NEVER ever invite more than venue capacity banking on some guests responding “not attending”.  Frankly, it is never really a wise idea to invite TO capacity in the first place.  Capacity is NOT the same as comfort.  Couples often forget to factor in necessary seating for photographers, DJ’s, and other miscellaneous service providers.  Finally, the “S” in “SO” stands for SIGNIFICANT other.  They should always be included!

Yes to the bolded. I have now been in two weddings where the couple invited over capacity thinking people would decline. The first was local, but 50% of the guest list had to travel from multiple states away. They figured they would get at least 40% of those out of towner declines. Nope. 100% of people showed. This couple also didn't invite significant others. My FI (then BF) did not get an invite, and it sucked. Second wedding was a pure DW for everyone. Once again, B&G over invited, thinking they'd get a bunch of declines. Nope. 100% attendance. Even the flakes in the family who usually no showed to everything came. Both weddings were miserable. There was either not enough food, seating, or both. It was cramped and hot. 

ernursej

Agree with PPs.

I was invited to a wedding about 9 years ago and H was only invited to the dance because we hadn't been together for at least a year. Fast forward and we are the only couple still together … and the bride and groom divorced. The whole thing was really awkward as I was the only one in my group of friends without their SO.

ahoywedding

MRDCle said:

show previous quotes

ahoywedding said:

Oh yikes. I can see how it's tempting to invite more people than your venue can hold, since rarely do 100% of invited guests attend anything. However, it's really different to over-invite people to a house party vs. a formal event in an actual event venue. The venue has fire codes & occupancy guidelines they have to adhere to, and the fire code limit includes anyone working the event as well. 

All adults who consider themselves in a relationship should have that partner invited by name, for the entire celebration. IMO, it would be fine to define "adult" as age 18 or high school graduate, whichever line is easier for you to draw. If those nieces & nephews are traveling with their parents & if their parents are anything like our family, the parents may squash the idea of a partner coming on a family vacation so you won't have to worry about it anyway.

My question is...how exactly did you picture things working? Would your friend or family member attend the dinner, then leave to pick up their guest & come back? Or would they drop the guest off somewhere nearby to kill time while you all eat dinner? Or should the guest drive solo to the venue, and then each couple has two cars to deal with at the end of the night? What about anyone from out of town?

I once attended DH's cousin's wedding, but was only allowed AFTER the dinner. I got the invite because we got together long after invites went out (not really an excuse, but whatever). DH thought dinner was wrapping up and texted me to come up. I come up and dinner is NOWHERE NEAR DONE.  There is no place for me to sit, there's no food for me, and I'm walking in REAL embarrassed. Highly DO NOT recommend this approach. Time for a new venue!

Back in my early 20's I got invited to a wedding like that! The invite had the ceremony info and the location for the reception, but no meal choice. We all figured "alright, buffet or family style." We showed up to the reception location but couldn't get in the locked doors. The bride's mom came RUNNING across the room towards us and yelled that we weren't invited to the dinner but we could come back later for the dancing. I have no idea how we figured out what time dinner was supposed to be, but we ended drinking alllll the booze at the reception later to make up for that embarrassment!

lovesclimbing

ahoywedding said:

show previous quotes

MRDCle said:

ahoywedding said:

Oh yikes. I can see how it's tempting to invite more people than your venue can hold, since rarely do 100% of invited guests attend anything. However, it's really different to over-invite people to a house party vs. a formal event in an actual event venue. The venue has fire codes & occupancy guidelines they have to adhere to, and the fire code limit includes anyone working the event as well. 

All adults who consider themselves in a relationship should have that partner invited by name, for the entire celebration. IMO, it would be fine to define "adult" as age 18 or high school graduate, whichever line is easier for you to draw. If those nieces & nephews are traveling with their parents & if their parents are anything like our family, the parents may squash the idea of a partner coming on a family vacation so you won't have to worry about it anyway.

My question is...how exactly did you picture things working? Would your friend or family member attend the dinner, then leave to pick up their guest & come back? Or would they drop the guest off somewhere nearby to kill time while you all eat dinner? Or should the guest drive solo to the venue, and then each couple has two cars to deal with at the end of the night? What about anyone from out of town?

I once attended DH's cousin's wedding, but was only allowed AFTER the dinner. I got the invite because we got together long after invites went out (not really an excuse, but whatever). DH thought dinner was wrapping up and texted me to come up. I come up and dinner is NOWHERE NEAR DONE.  There is no place for me to sit, there's no food for me, and I'm walking in REAL embarrassed. Highly DO NOT recommend this approach. Time for a new venue!

Back in my early 20's I got invited to a wedding like that! The invite had the ceremony info and the location for the reception, but no meal choice. We all figured "alright, buffet or family style." We showed up to the reception location but couldn't get in the locked doors. The bride's mom came RUNNING across the room towards us and yelled that we weren't invited to the dinner but we could come back later for the dancing. I have no idea how we figured out what time dinner was supposed to be, but we ended drinking alllll the booze at the reception later to make up for that embarrassment!

lol, I hardly even drink, but I think I'd be getting a new glass every five minutes, taking a sip and setting it down or tossing it down the sink!






*not really, but I'd be tempted. 

climbingsingle

OP, you handled this so, so poorly. It's incredibly rude to tell someone that their SO can only attend the last half of your reception. I just...don't even have words. How did you think this was OK? What if someone invited you to a party and told you that had to show up only for the last hour? How would you feel? 

For lurkers, never over-invite!