Wishing Wells: To Include or Not to Include with Invites??

jpandsc

Hi All,

I'm looking for some feedback on what you - as other brides and guests - think on this issue.

My FH and I want to have a wishing well for our wedding because:
1) we're having two weddings - one here in Canada and one in Australia (where I am from) and would love a little financial help with out trip to see my family
2) traveling between Canada and Australia with gifts is just too hard/expensive, and;
3) because we already live together and have all we need (and are minimalists).

So - the big question is: Should we include a discreet and separate wishing well card with our invites that let guests know we are collecting a wishing well IF they choose to participate as a preference over any gifts guests MAY want to give.

I've read so many articles about it and some people say it is incredibly rude and tacky, while others say it's totally normal and acceptable and that guests prefer to know if you don't want physical gifts, the same why a registry can make gift-giving easier. I'm curious as to what other B&G's have done, and your thoughts on this as someone receiving the invite. 

I'd love to hear your thoughts! Thanks!

ShesSoCold

jpandsc said:

Hi All,

I'm looking for some feedback on what you - as other brides and guests - think on this issue.

My FH and I want to have a wishing well for our wedding because:
1) we're having two weddings - one here in Canada and one in Australia (where I am from) and would love a little financial help with out trip to see my family
2) traveling between Canada and Australia with gifts is just too hard/expensive, and;
3) because we already live together and have all we need (and are minimalists).

So - the big question is: Should we include a discreet and separate wishing well card with our invites that let guests know we are collecting a wishing well IF they choose to participate as a preference over any gifts guests MAY want to give.

I've read so many articles about it and some people say it is incredibly rude and tacky, while others say it's totally normal and acceptable and that guests prefer to know if you don't want physical gifts, the same why a registry can make gift-giving easier. I'm curious as to what other B&G's have done, and your thoughts on this as someone receiving the invite. 

I'd love to hear your thoughts! Thanks!

Please don't. It is extremely tacky.

And you're not actually having two weddings unless you're getting divorced in between. You're having one wedding and one party with a fake ceremony. 

banana468

jpandsc said:

Hi All,

I'm looking for some feedback on what you - as other brides and guests - think on this issue.

My FH and I want to have a wishing well for our wedding because:
1) we're having two weddings - one here in Canada and one in Australia (where I am from) and would love a little financial help with out trip to see my family
2) traveling between Canada and Australia with gifts is just too hard/expensive, and;
3) because we already live together and have all we need (and are minimalists).

So - the big question is: Should we include a discreet and separate wishing well card with our invites that let guests know we are collecting a wishing well IF they choose to participate as a preference over any gifts guests MAY want to give.

I've read so many articles about it and some people say it is incredibly rude and tacky, while others say it's totally normal and acceptable and that guests prefer to know if you don't want physical gifts, the same why a registry can make gift-giving easier. I'm curious as to what other B&G's have done, and your thoughts on this as someone receiving the invite. 

I'd love to hear your thoughts! Thanks!

Please don't! 

People know that newlyweds like cash.   It's a thing.

jpandsc

Honestly, I'm a little shocked at the tone of your response @ShesSoCold - I understand what we're doing may not be to your liking but I don't see a need to be nasty. Having two weddings is not actually that uncommon in cross-cultural couples. Sure, you can't get legally married more than once but you can legally have as many wedding events as you like. We're actually having a second event because family specifically asked us to, because they aren't able to attend our first ceremony abroad. We aren't having a formal ceremony at the second event, it's just a chance for my aging relatives to feel involved in the wedding and meet my FH - not that you'd know that because you didn't bother to ask before making assumptions. 

Thank you @banana468 for your useful response.

Jen4948

Don't do it. It's never polite to ask for cash. It's also never appropriate to ask your guests to fund your personal expenses.

jpandsc

@Jen4948 I guess I just find it odd that so many people think it's tacky because many sites, including theknot.com say it's perfectly fine to present a preference for a wishing well over physical gifts.

For example, here is a direct quote from theknot.com website blog:

Is a Cash Wedding Registry Tacky?

Not at all! Think of it as just another way for guests to give the things that mean the most to you—because home renovations and dream honeymoons aren’t exactly sold in stores. Plus, pairing your cash and retail items on the All-In-One Wedding Registry (and sharing on your Wedding Website) makes for a seamless experience where guests can find everything you need. Completely tasteful. Never tacky.

maine7mob

The least tacky way to ask for cash is to simply not register anywhere. Do not do a wishing well or any other grabby thing. Just don't register. You will get some lovely gifts, some not so lovely gifts, and yes, some cash. But let your guests decide what they want to give you. It's respectful and it's kind.

jpandsc

Thanks for the great tip @knottie3a07c9dc00519677  

MobKaz

This issue, whether "Wishing Well', "Honey Fund", or other ask-for-cash scenario is discussed ad nauseam on the boards.

The general, and most polite consensus, is that if there is even a glimmer of “tacky" potentially involved, err on the side of caution and just don't. 

No one ever needs to beg for, or request cash, nor should they.    If you do not have a registry, most guests will infer you would prefer a gift of cash.  In my circle, generally speaking, boxed gifts are for showers and a gift of cash is given as a wedding present. 

If anyone directly asks, you can say you and your FI are saving for a trip.  That is appropriate.  Having a "wishing well" at your reception is simply a prettier, and easier way to beg for cash rather than stand with your hand out.  Would you ever do that?  It is NEVER appropriate to include ANY type of gift request in an invitation to a wedding, whether a registry or cash request.  EVER.

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/comment/7924122#Comment_7924122

jpandsc

Great, thanks for your feedback @MobKaz!

banana468

FWIW, we just went to a post wedding party for DH's cousin.  The registry was small and bought up.  Say no more sweetie!  I wrote a check.   Easy peasy.

LondonLisa

100% do not do a wishing well and gift informations should never be included in invitations. 

That being said, I understand throwing a party in another country for people who can't make it, but it shouldn't be a redo wedding complete with a ceremony. If people miss your graduation, you aren't going to get dressed up again and walk across the stage and be handed a certificate. Instead, you'll probably have a nice dinner somewhere. You are a wife, no a bride, so this event should not have anything bridal related (veils, bridesmaids, vows, hen dos etc). By all means, throw a fun party, everyone loves a party. Even get a great dress, DJ, and some cake.  But the party theme should be "Meet the newlyweds" not "Wedding reenactment". Because no matter what you do, you will never be married in Oz if you get married in Canada. It is a binary state. 


That especially means that you should not be doing gifts/ registries/ gift lists/ wishing wells for your Oz party. It is just that, a party. Not a wedding. People who want to give you things for your recent wedding will, but they don't need prompting. And they especially don't need prompting at just a party, not the actual wedding. 

MyNameIsNot

It's always rude to include anything about gifts in the invitation. If people want to give a gift, they'll google a registry or write you a check. A simple card box or bird cage at the reception is plenty. People having been giving cash since the dawn of weddings; there's no need to be crass and spell it out. Also, if you lack the funds to follow through with your plans, do not count on gifts to make you whole. You might receive enough, but you might not. 

The event where you get married is the wedding. It's fine to have another event to celebrate in another country, but it's not a second wedding. It's a celebration party or even a second reception.

I understand, we had a second party in South America for DH's family that couldn't travel. It was very important to us and to the family. But neither of us harbored any delusions that it was a second wedding. We'd already gotten married at the actual wedding. 

climbingsingle

Absolutely no. This is incredibly tacky. 

Also, how can you have two weddings? Are you getting divorced in between the two ceremonies? 

You've decided on having two events, and you'd like your guests to financially contribute so you can afford it? Are you joking?

jpandsc

Not at all @climbingwife; I can tell you have completely misunderstood and made major assumptions about our plans and our finances. I'm now sorry I asked about wishing wells at all, because it seems people are more interested in calling down our plans than providing useful advice on wishing wells! I had no idea I'd receive such nasty comments from quite a few of you; shocked and appalled. Reported to admin.

climbingsingle

jpandsc said:

Not at all @climbingwife; I can tell you have completely misunderstood and made major assumptions about our plans and our finances. I'm now sorry I asked about wishing wells at all, because it seems people are more interested in calling down our plans than providing useful advice on wishing wells! I had no idea I'd receive such nasty comments from quite a few of you; shocked and appalled. Reported to admin.

You can report me all you'd like. Maybe read up on the TOS here first. I didn't attack you or call you names. 

You asked for opinions on basically begging people for cash to help fund your events and traveling. That is tacky. 

ETA: how would you feel if a friend invited to you a dinner party, and then handed you an envelope for you to reimburse his/her expenses?

jpandsc

As I said, that is not at all what we are doing; you've made assumptions. I said we'd love the financial help - like any newlywed with a wishing well obviously would  - but our plans for Australia are not dependant on anyone gifting us and their contribution certainly won't be paying for our Australian celebration so as I said, you've misunderstood and your comments are nasty. @climbingwife

"You asked for opinions on basically begging people for cash to help fund your events and traveling. That is tacky." - You could not be more wrong in what we are doing. And what I actually asked was whether wishing well cards should be included with invite packages or not, because various blogs say contrasting things.

thisismynickname2

jpandsc said:

Hi All,

I'm looking for some feedback on what you - as other brides and guests - think on this issue.

My FH and I want to have a wishing well for our wedding because:
1) we're having two weddings - one here in Canada and one in Australia (where I am from) and would love a little financial help with out trip to see my family
2) traveling between Canada and Australia with gifts is just too hard/expensive, and;
3) because we already live together and have all we need (and are minimalists).

So - the big question is: Should we include a discreet and separate wishing well card with our invites that let guests know we are collecting a wishing well IF they choose to participate as a preference over any gifts guests MAY want to give.

I've read so many articles about it and some people say it is incredibly rude and tacky, while others say it's totally normal and acceptable and that guests prefer to know if you don't want physical gifts, the same why a registry can make gift-giving easier. I'm curious as to what other B&G's have done, and your thoughts on this as someone receiving the invite. 

I'd love to hear your thoughts! Thanks!

@climbingwife has a point.      

You stated in your original post part of the reason you want to blatantly ask for cash at your wedding is because you need it to fund your two events and travel. 

Here's the thing. Giving cash is super easy and technically free (no fees on the gift giver). Pretty much everyone gives a card of well wishes for a wedding anyway. For some odd reason, there are companies out there that decided to cash in (pun intended) on people like you who don't want a new blender and create fun sites to ask for cash. Many of these sites, for cash registries or honeyfunds, charge a fee to use. Why would you give someone $100 through a website, for the couple to receive $93, when you could just as easily write a check for the full $100 and give it straight to the couple?  Keep in mind The Knot exists to make money, so of course they're going to support anything that generates advertising revenue for themselves. Of course they'll support honeyfunds and cash registries. Doesn't make it right, or even logical to do so. 

With traditional registries, you're demonstrating your taste in items and making it easy for guests to pick out something for you. They're not required to buy off a registry, or buy a boxed item at all. It's for ideas. In the absence of ideas of boxed items, it's implied that "anything goes." Due to ease, people tend to default to cash, though you will get lovely silver tea sets.

Going above and beyond to call out specifically that you want cash, not silver tea sets, and cash being the easiest and most default wedding present ever, is therefore tacky. No one needs a reminder. And in your case, it would come across as though you are asking for it specifically to fund two parties halfway around the world.

ahoywedding

Ditto PPs. It's not like people forget cash is a gift option if you don't have a wishing well/honeyfund/whatever else. People have been giving money for gifts since forever, for any and all occasions. Have a tiny registry, and if someone ASKS what you may need, you can say something like "oh we don't need much, we're set on home goods" or whatever. Definitely don't mention at all that you need the money for two parties you decided to throw. Most adults can figure out that if you're traveling to the wedding, it would be a PITA to travel back with gifts. Plus they won't want to carry anything with them. 

But also, think outside the kitchen/bed/bath registry standards. You can do registries just about anywhere, so is there something you'd like for outside the home? Tools? Sporting goods? Luggage? Anything that Amazon sells? I'm not pushing a registry, but it's easy to only think of them in the same box they've always been in. 

Lastly, I see you're new here. There's no need to be so defensive when people are offering advise. Cash registries & honeymoon funds have been discussed to death here, and it's a topic that continues to come up, which is why some of the seasoned posters have a quick, curt reaction to them. Yes, you may find a websites saying they're a good idea but really you can find a website to support just about anything online. Your guests may not say anything to you, and it's likely not all of them will find it rude, but if you could err on the side of no one finding you impolite, isn't that better?

jpandsc

@thisismynickname2 As I have said multiple times, it was not my intention to imply that we were asking for money to help with our weddings or travel. We simply prefer the idea of a registry so we don't have to travel with gifts internationally, and because it would make our honeymoon in Australia extra special. It makes no sense for someone to give us a waffle iron with a different wall plug and wattage that won't even be useable in Canada, and that we have to pay ridiculous money for to bring back to the other side of world. This isn't rocket science. 

A simple ask for clarification could of helped if any of you were unsure, but instead I feel like people have attacked our multi-event wedding - which is no one's business and not a part of my original question about wishing wells - and made a lot of assumptions about what we can and can't afford and name called "tacky, fake, begging" etc which is just unnecessary.

I feel really unwelcome in this community and based on what I've read in other threads, it would seem I'm not the only one who has felt extremely unwelcome and bullied in this community by older members, which, aren't even current or recent brides. Pretty disappointing. I won't be recommending this resource to any of my girlfriends, that's for sure. 

That said - thank you for the parts of your response that were useful and polite @thisismynickname2. 

jpandsc

Thank you @ahoywedding; I appreciate your feedback. I just think if those women are tired of seeing the same questions and feel the need to be curt, they should probably just choose NOT to reply. 

Again, I'd like to say we DO NOT NEED THE MONEY for our events. We are perfectly capable of paying for our own events; we just thought the idea of a wishing well was nice. Really can't say that enough; sorry if my original post somehow led everyone to an assumption about my bank account. 

ahoywedding

jpandsc said:

Thank you @ahoywedding; I appreciate your feedback. I just think if those women are tired of seeing the same questions and feel the need to be curt, they should probably just choose NOT to reply. 

Again, I'd like to say we DO NOT NEED THE MONEY for our events. We are perfectly capable of paying for our own events; we just thought the idea of a wishing well was nice. Really can't say that enough; sorry if my original post somehow led everyone to an assumption about my bank account. 

Except you literally said that in your original post. It's not an assumption when we're using your own words. It's great that's not the case.

 jpandsc said:

Hi All,

I'm looking for some feedback on what you - as other brides and guests - think on this issue.

My FH and I want to have a wishing well for our wedding because:
1) we're having two weddings - one here in Canada and one in Australia (where I am from) and would love a little financial help with out trip to see my family

-SNIP-

jpandsc

@ahoywedding I really don't see how saying that would imply we can't pay for our own wedding events. Our family live all over Australia and we would have to option to extend our time there if people chose to give. It's no different to having a honeymoon registry or a travel fund at a Flight Centre. It's not that you couldn't go without it, it's just that it could help make it that much more special. 

MyNameIsNot

jpandsc said:

@ahoywedding I really don't see how saying that would imply we can't pay for our own wedding events. Our family live all over Australia and we would have to option to extend our time there if people chose to give. It's no different to having a honeymoon registry or a travel fund at a Flight Centre. It's not that you couldn't go without it, it's just that it could help make it that much more special. 

A honeymoon registry or travel fund is also very rude. Nonetheless, you said that you wanted the financial help for the wedding and travel. To flip out and pretend you didn't say that is absurd. No one made assumptions. They read the words you wrote and responded to them. You were quoted. 

It seems that you're really defensive and going to call bully any time someone offers constructive criticism. People are trying to help you avoid embarrassing yourself. Instead of throwing a fit, you could actually listen to what people are saying. No one called you tacky, they called the cash grab tacky. No one called you fake, they called a reenactment "second wedding" a fake wedding. Not everything is a personal attack.

Take a step back, take a deep breathe, and read the words for what they are instead of assuming everything is an attack. If you can't do that, maybe the internet isn't right for you. 

flantastic

jpandsc said:

@thisismynickname2 As I have said multiple times, it was not my intention to imply that we were asking for money to help with our weddings or travel. We simply prefer the idea of a registry so we don't have to travel with gifts internationally, and because it would make our honeymoon in Australia extra special. It makes no sense for someone to give us a waffle iron with a different wall plug and wattage that won't even be useable in Canada, and that we have to pay ridiculous money for to bring back to the other side of world. This isn't rocket science. 

A simple ask for clarification could of helped if any of you were unsure, but instead I feel like people have attacked our multi-event wedding - which is no one's business and not a part of my original question about wishing wells - and made a lot of assumptions about what we can and can't afford and name called "tacky, fake, begging" etc which is just unnecessary.

I feel really unwelcome in this community and based on what I've read in other threads, it would seem I'm not the only one who has felt extremely unwelcome and bullied in this community by older members, which, aren't even current or recent brides. Pretty disappointing. I won't be recommending this resource to any of my girlfriends, that's for sure. 

That said - thank you for the parts of your response that were useful and polite @thisismynickname2. 

Calling this bullying is a little insulting to those who have actually been bullied.

You are welcome to have multiple events within etiquette, but it is not bullying to tell you the truth that a) you can only have one real, legal wedding, and so if you have multiple ceremonies, you will only actually be married at one; and b) those choices about location do not entitle you to suggest cash gifts.

If you are able to afford your wedding and additional party without the cash gifts of guests, congratulations. The wishing well idea will have people roll their eyes, but they will not say it to your face because they know you and that is what people do - avoid confrontation. We do not know you, and thus can tell you the truth of how this comes off from both a bride and guest perspective. For people with a desire actually to learn objectively and not just be told what they want to hear, I find that is an invaluable resource.

jpandsc

I've done more research in Australian and even Canadian wedding forums and just so you are all aware, the general consensus is that Wishing Well culture in these parts of the world are both normal, acceptable and totally fine - and that guests are more than happy and never offended. According to these other forums, it is just USA brides that seem to think it's tacky and the Aussie's are as baffled as I am. As you can see from just a small sample of the comments I've found and shared below, no one seems to think it's an issue so I'll be trusting my gut in this case.

In addition, my family is of European descent, and traditionally - for generations - the bride would walk around the wedding during a song with a bag and family members would put cash into the bag. Gift Registries were never a part of this culture. So, I think those are important considerations for you USA brides when talking to people of different cultures/customs in this forum. Personally, I don't see how making a store registry and asking for specific gifts from $20-$2000 is any better or more polite than asking for a wishing well contribution IF they choose, at their discretion. But who knows; maybe that's just a cultural thing, as the comments below imply.


MsChandler:  Another Kiwi bride here (well grew up in Auckland, now live in & getting married in Melbourne).  I think you’ll find the attitude toward gift registries & wishing wells is HUGELY different between us and the USA.  I was actually shocked to find out that registries are frowned on in the USA! lol! 

amyinbrisbane: Yes and expect this thread to be deleted… Americans HATE wishing well discussions… I was also shocked to learn about that! It’s not like our cultures are poles apart. 

goingtotherooftopoflove: Nice to see another baffled Aussie bride   It’s peculiar, isn’t it?! lol

xoCATox: I don’t know about New Zealand, but in Australia wishing wells are all the rage right now. The last 3 – 4 weddings I’ve been to have asked for cash or vouchers. I think it’s totally fine, and personally would rather give the couple money instead of buying them useless things they don’t want/need. In my culture, people usually gift money. My FI’s family is fine with gifts of cash. And many of our friends asked for cash gifts as well, so we know nobody will have an issue! All of the venues we’ve looked at even have their own selection of wishing wells you can use, it’s become that commonplace!

Lollybags: Wishing wells are super popular in Australia now (more so than registries) and very few people are offended by them, think them tacky or that the recipients are ‘bludgers’.  

LondonLisa

I'm not American. Still find wishing wells tacky, vulgar and begging. 

But it sounds like you have your mind made up. Why are you even asking if you are just going to do what you want anyway? And not to be snarky here, was it because you just wanted validation? Or did you genuinely want feedback?

climbingsingle

I did not make any assumptions. This is literally what you posted:

jpandsc said:

Hi All,

I'm looking for some feedback on what you - as other brides and guests - think on this issue.

My FH and I want to have a wishing well for our wedding because:
1) we're having two weddings - one here in Canada and one in Australia (where I am from) and would love a little financial help with out trip to see my family
2) traveling between Canada and Australia with gifts is just too hard/expensive, and;
3) because we already live together and have all we need (and are minimalists).

So - the big question is: Should we include a discreet and separate wishing well card with our invites that let guests know we are collecting a wishing well IF they choose to participate as a preference over any gifts guests MAY want to give.

I've read so many articles about it and some people say it is incredibly rude and tacky, while others say it's totally normal and acceptable and that guests prefer to know if you don't want physical gifts, the same why a registry can make gift-giving easier. I'm curious as to what other B&G's have done, and your thoughts on this as someone receiving the invite. 

I'd love to hear your thoughts! Thanks!

You came here asking for advice. You've received that advice. You might not like it, but you're getting honest replies. If I attended a wedding with a wishing well, I'd think the couple was tacky. 

Everyone knows a couple wants money for a gift. Every wedding I've ever attended, I have given a cash gift. When I got married, I didn't register, because we truly didn't need anything. I didn't have a honeyfund or a wishing well, and guess what? People gave us cash gifts. 

InLoveInQueens

With all your defensive responses, I'm curious why you even posted here. You very clearly in your OP said you wanted "financial help" and then turn around and say "no I didn't say that, how dare you assume".

If you spent even a couple of minutes reading this forum you could have saved yourself the time of typing up your whole post because you already would have known that this site is very anti-asking for cash. It's rude and tacky and inappropriate. And unnecessary. No one needs to be told that cash is a good gift, especially if you don't register at all.

Wishing wells and honeymoon funds are gross and just because you find some blogs telling you they're the greatest thing ever doesn't mean that your guests won't find them ridiculous and side eye it and you. A good number of blogs posting about all these different ways to tell your guests you want $$$ are sponsored by honeyfund and other tacky websites, of course The Knot proper is going to say they're a great idea, who do you think advertises on The Knot?

thisismynickname2

Here are some additional thoughts. Maybe there are cultural differences at work here, but you're posting on a forum of mostly American and Canadian women, and there are many from the UK as well.

Talking about money is considered rude around here. It makes people uncomfortable. There are people who would actually prefer to give a boxed gift to save themselves the embarrassment of figuring out how much cash to give. 

If I look at a registry and see an item that retails for $100, I can use coupons, points, sales, or whatever to try to get that $100 item for a lot less. Someone who doesn't have any way to get anywhere near that $100 you want could put together a very lovely, thoughtful gift (like a movie night basket) for much cheaper. But throw in a cash registry or wishing well, and people already insecure or even stressed about money can be made to feel uncomfortable. 

It's just plain best not to dictate that the gift you really want is the one that historically is not discussed in polite society. 

ei34

Ditto PP that a) everyone knows cash is a great gift (it’s all I’ve given as a guest and was what 97% of my wedding guests gave) and b) that you’re incredibly defensive.  Complete honesty is one of the best parts about posting in an anonymous forum...IRL those closest sometimes go along with whatever we propose to be agreeable.

eta- in defense of people who have actually struggled with bullying, none of this is bullying