Wedding Woes

You can reference his support without outing him.

Dear Prudence,
When I was a teenager, my aunt’s husband pulled me aside after I made several particularly obnoxious homophobic remarks. He quietly told me that before he met my aunt, his longest relationship was with a man and that he had had a number of male and female lovers in his youth. He explained that my remarks were hurtful but also a sign of insecurity. It was something of a turning point for me, and a few years later he and my aunt took me in when my parents kicked me out of the house after I came out to them. They also paid for me to go to college. My boyfriend and I are getting married soon, and I really want to tell this story, but I am also aware that it is not my story to tell. My aunt’s husband sadly passed away last year, so I can’t ask him whether he’s OK being outed in this way. What’s the right thing to do here? Members of his extended family will be at the wedding, and I don’t want to upset anybody, but at the same time I want to share one of the meaningful exchanges of my life on my wedding day.
—Is It Ever OK to Out Somebody After He’s Gone?

Re: You can reference his support without outing him.

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    mod
    I think LW has a couple options. He can tell the story without outing him, like say the bolded without saying the crossed out. Or he can bring up parts of it with his aunt and see how she responds and if she knew about his previous love life. If so, ask her what she thinks.

     mrsconn23 said:
    Dear Prudence,
    When I was a teenager, my aunt’s husband pulled me aside after I made several particularly obnoxious homophobic remarks. He quietly told me that before he met my aunt, his longest relationship was with a man and that he had had a number of male and female lovers in his youth. He explained that my remarks were hurtful but also a sign of insecurity. It was something of a turning point for me, and a few years later he and my aunt took me in when my parents kicked me out of the house after I came out to them. They also paid for me to go to college. My boyfriend and I are getting married soon, and I really want to tell this story, but I am also aware that it is not my story to tell. My aunt’s husband sadly passed away last year, so I can’t ask him whether he’s OK being outed in this way. What’s the right thing to do here? Members of his extended family will be at the wedding, and I don’t want to upset anybody, but at the same time I want to share one of the meaningful exchanges of my life on my wedding day.
    —Is It Ever OK to Out Somebody After He’s Gone?

    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    JeeGooDowsterInLoveInQueens
  • I don't think he should out his uncle...but i have nothing to add except...wow this is such a sad story!!
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    I absolutely don't think he should out his uncle after he has passed. He could share the story in a round about way, but even then, someone could possibly figure out who he's referring to. Like he said, it's not his story to tell. 

  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    member
    levioosa said:
    The more I think about this, the more I wonder why it’s even important to include the uncle’s sexuality in the story. The story means just as much without it. Mention his gentle admonishment, his support, his generosity and how it impacted your life. But mentioning his past and outting him? That’s not your story to tell. 
    I was going to comment about this too.  Skip that detail? 

  • The uncle has done a lot for LW other than sharing his past, including things some of the guests may already know (taking him in when the parents kicked him out).  A mention of the uncle is fine but I agree with PP to not out him.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    First, LW should in no way Out the uncle.

    Second, where will this story fall in the day?  We say all the time here that there should be no speeches, just short toasts.  Even attending a wedding where the B&G, G&G, or B&B speak, in my personal experience, is not something that happens.  I guess it could be worked into personal vows, but it could be easily left out too.

    Perhaps LW should go visit uncle a day or so before the wedding to "tell him" everything he said here. 

    ahoyweddingshort+sassy
  • This is a lovely story without outing him. He didn’t widely disclose this information when he was alive, you absolutely should not do it now that he is not. 
    short+sassy
  • Uncle's support of LW was amazing and life-changing, and would have been just as much so without the romantic history he disclosed to LW. If the uncle was not open about this history with everyone during his lifetime, I really don't think it's appropriate to bring it up now. 

    And either way, I am also a bit confused as to how and where this story is going to be told at the wedding. I agree with @OliveOilsMom that this would all be better said with a visit to uncle's final resting place, or perhaps LW should find a moment to speak to his aunt privately on/around the wedding day to express how much he appreciates all they did for him. 
    image
    OliveOilsMomshort+sassy
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