Cash gifts - self-conscious about what the money will be spent on

knottieb078684a7daf3921

So, FI and I will be moving overseas a couple months after our wedding, as the plan is for me to be starting graduate school in another country (he works remotely and will be moving with me).

I'm starting to worry about how this will impact gifts. We currently live in Australia, and cash gifts are the norm in our circles. However, the program I'd be starting is an MBA, and I'm very conscious that my Facebook feed is probably going to look pretty "lavish", based on others' I've seen - I'm budgeting for international trips, balls, nights out, etc. Both our families are pretty down-to-earth, middle-class people and for some of them even going overseas at all is a once-in-a-lifetime sort of deal. FI and I have been saving for this for a while and (after carefully balancing the numbers) can afford a modest wedding plus graduate school, but I really, really don't want our guests to feel that we are using them to fund our "lavish lifestyle"!

Obviously I want to limit physical gifts just for practical reasons - we're not even sure what country we'll end up in after graduation! (I don't mind the odd set of linens from someone who really insists, but as I said most gifts here are cash so I don't think this will be a big problem.) But should I be asking for no cash gifts too?

I'm thinking:

• don't register anywhere, and have parents/MOH etc mention we're moving overseas
• possibly suggest making a donation to one of the charities we support, instead of a gift to us? would this seem pretentious?

Am I overthinking this? Is there anything else we could do to reduce the "pay for our trips!!" vibe?

knottieb078684a7daf3921

I guess one thing to add is, I'm not sure how well the charity thing would go down as the charity I support is probably not one our guests would (FI's is more neutral, but still one people could have opinions about).

ILoveBeachMusic

No, DO NOT ask for donations to a charity. Just don't register. Let people decide how and if they want to give you a gift. If you are concerned about what people will think based upon your FB posts, be discerning about how and what you post. You don't have to post about every fricking ball, international trip or night out you take. 

knottieb078684a7daf3921

Thanks for the feedback, I'm happy to rule out the charity thing (only added it as a last-minute alternative but as I said I don't think it would go down very well in my crowd).

Re: FB, neither of us are really that active on social media, but if someone tags me in something I don't go out of my way to untag myself, you know? I guess this is a general question where I feel quite self-conscious about taking money from people who really could use it more than I could. On the hand I don't want to make a big deal of "I am so much better off than you are", and I do appreciate that people may want to gift a gift out of love and goodwill - I am really struggling with how to walk this line.

artbyallie

You are overthinking this. Don't register, and if anyone asks you directly about gifts, tell them the truth. "We expect to be traveling a lot and don't know where we'll end up, so we don't need much for our home right now." And then change the subject. They'll take the hint. Or they won't. It's not worth worrying over.

MobKaz

metatra said:

Thanks for the feedback, I'm happy to rule out the charity thing (only added it as a last-minute alternative but as I said I don't think it would go down very well in my crowd).

Re: FB, neither of us are really that active on social media, but if someone tags me in something I don't go out of my way to untag myself, you know? I guess this is a general question where I feel quite self-conscious about taking money from people who really could use it more than I could. On the hand I don't want to make a big deal of "I am so much better off than you are", and I do appreciate that people may want to gift a gift out of love and goodwill - I am really struggling with how to walk this line.

With ONE change in your settings, I believe you can prevent people from tagging you unless you approve the post or picture.

You are not taking money from people.  You are being gifted.  Once the gift, whether tangible or cash, leaves my hands, it is up to the recipient to do as they wish.

knottieb078684a7daf3921

Thanks everyone for the advice - sounds like I am overthinking! And thanks artbyallie for that wording, straightforward and simple.

MyNameIsNot

This really isn't anything to be too worried about. Once people give a gift, they don't get any say in how it's used.

Nonetheless, if you really wanted, you could put something in your TY note about how "we look forward to using it to set up our home once we're permanently settled." 

missJeanLouise

metatra said:

So, FI and I will be moving overseas a couple months after our wedding, as the plan is for me to be starting graduate school in another country (he works remotely and will be moving with me).

I'm starting to worry about how this will impact gifts. We currently live in Australia, and cash gifts are the norm in our circles. However, the program I'd be starting is an MBA, and I'm very conscious that my Facebook feed is probably going to look pretty "lavish", based on others' I've seen - I'm budgeting for international trips, balls, nights out, etc. Both our families are pretty down-to-earth, middle-class people and for some of them even going overseas at all is a once-in-a-lifetime sort of deal. FI and I have been saving for this for a while and (after carefully balancing the numbers) can afford a modest wedding plus graduate school, but I really, really don't want our guests to feel that we are using them to fund our "lavish lifestyle"!

Obviously I want to limit physical gifts just for practical reasons - we're not even sure what country we'll end up in after graduation! (I don't mind the odd set of linens from someone who really insists, but as I said most gifts here are cash so I don't think this will be a big problem.) But should I be asking for no cash gifts too?

I'm thinking:

• don't register anywhere, and have parents/MOH etc mention we're moving overseas
• possibly suggest making a donation to one of the charities we support, instead of a gift to us? would this seem pretentious?

Am I overthinking this? Is there anything else we could do to reduce the "pay for our trips!!" vibe?

My husband and I moved abroad shortly after getting married too. Cash gifts ftw. We made a small amazon registry to give those who asked but 95% of our gifts were cash. It made everything so much easier. 
Word of advice though, if you get any gift cards, use them in the country they were bought it. My SIL graciously gave us an Ikea gc only for us to learn that we can’t use it here. Luckily they don’t expire but still.

levioosa

MobKaz said:

metatra said:

Thanks for the feedback, I'm happy to rule out the charity thing (only added it as a last-minute alternative but as I said I don't think it would go down very well in my crowd).

Re: FB, neither of us are really that active on social media, but if someone tags me in something I don't go out of my way to untag myself, you know? I guess this is a general question where I feel quite self-conscious about taking money from people who really could use it more than I could. On the hand I don't want to make a big deal of "I am so much better off than you are", and I do appreciate that people may want to gift a gift out of love and goodwill - I am really struggling with how to walk this line.

With ONE change in your settings, I believe you can prevent people from tagging you unless you approve the post or picture.

You are not taking money from people.  You are being gifted.  Once the gift, whether tangible or cash, leaves my hands, it is up to the recipient to do as they wish.

PPs are correct. If you want to, you can change your settings as @MobKaz suggested. That’s the way I have mine set up. I’m not a crazy party animal or anything, but occasionally there are pictures posted that are either downright unflattering (FI’s dad likes to take pictures of people eating at family events—they’re never good pictures), or just something I wouldn’t want future employers seeing (I try to limit pictures of bars, or even pictures where I have a drink in my hand). And occasionally someone finds a super awkward picture from like 6th grade and decides to tag me in it. So it’s nice that it doesn’t automatically go to my timeline. 

ahoywedding

I have never once given someone a gift and then gotten salty about their social media posts. It's not like you're asking to borrow money or claiming poverty and then going to Bali. People are giving you gifts. Once one gives a gift, they have no say in how it's used. 

But also, seriously look into that FB setting. I changed mine a while ago and I looooove having a little more control over things that people tag me in & knowing that things show on my timeline when *I* want them to.

knottieb078684a7daf3921

Thanks all! Just went to go change that setting and found a few other settings that needed tightening up too. I thought I was pretty locked down but it's always worth checking regularly!

missJeanLouise

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