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Wedding Woes
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When is it too late to cancel?
in Wedding Woes
Hi Ladies!
I want to start by saying that I LOVE LOVE LOVE my fiance. He is 100% the man that God has selected to be my forever partner and we are getting married no matter what.
My question pertains more to the circumstances around my wedding. I've had two bridesmaids quit for various reasons, and we had a major falling out with my in-laws a few months back. They've never liked me and have repeatedly put pressure on my fiance to break it off with me. The pressure from them was so bad that he didn't tell them he was proposing ahead of time. Shortly after we were engaged, we moved in together for a variety of reasons. His parents found out through mutual friends. They waited until the end of our wedding planning trip, after spending thousands on vendor deposits and the trip itself, to confront him on our sin. At that time his mother demanded that we elope to "get right with God"... or else we needed to go our separate ways because "Grandfather so-and-so was seduced by his wife and I just see so much of that situation here and you know it's never too late." After confronting him, she confronted me - told me I "bore no fruits of the spirit" and that "if I couldn't stay pure before marriage, how could I stay pure after?" Among other things... Other verbal assaults have been launched (on their end, never ours) since then. They have begged him to come home, begged him to reconsider, implored us to "make it right", and then gone all over town insisting that they have no idea why we don't speak to them. I could go on about that for days but trying to keep this short. (I should add that his parents' particular denomination preaches that purity is the key to salvation and that my pre-married use of my lady bits makes me an unsuitable bride, never mind where the man has been prior to marriage. I'm not like evil or anything, just modern like most of you ladies.)
We've weathered that storm and resolved to rest in our truth and hold on to what this event is really about - us spending forever together. We were bolstered by my parents' unwavering support and love. Now, we are less than two months from the wedding any my mom found out that my dad has been engaging in unsavory behavior that is an unconfirmed affair (calls to strange numbers in the middle of the night, disappearing in the middle of the work day, constantly deleting all his texts, etc). She left him a few days ago to get her head and heart straight.
There is a part of me that wants to push through simply because we are already about $25k into this thing, and I don't want to alert the extended family and our friends to any issues. I'm devastated that our wedding has been commandeered by ridiculous family drama and our parents' inability to hold it together and just let us cross the finish line. We've debated cancelling everything, taking the money loss, and eloping just us and trying to reclaim a shred of wedding joy.
Thoughts? Should we cancel?
I want to start by saying that I LOVE LOVE LOVE my fiance. He is 100% the man that God has selected to be my forever partner and we are getting married no matter what.
My question pertains more to the circumstances around my wedding. I've had two bridesmaids quit for various reasons, and we had a major falling out with my in-laws a few months back. They've never liked me and have repeatedly put pressure on my fiance to break it off with me. The pressure from them was so bad that he didn't tell them he was proposing ahead of time. Shortly after we were engaged, we moved in together for a variety of reasons. His parents found out through mutual friends. They waited until the end of our wedding planning trip, after spending thousands on vendor deposits and the trip itself, to confront him on our sin. At that time his mother demanded that we elope to "get right with God"... or else we needed to go our separate ways because "Grandfather so-and-so was seduced by his wife and I just see so much of that situation here and you know it's never too late." After confronting him, she confronted me - told me I "bore no fruits of the spirit" and that "if I couldn't stay pure before marriage, how could I stay pure after?" Among other things... Other verbal assaults have been launched (on their end, never ours) since then. They have begged him to come home, begged him to reconsider, implored us to "make it right", and then gone all over town insisting that they have no idea why we don't speak to them. I could go on about that for days but trying to keep this short. (I should add that his parents' particular denomination preaches that purity is the key to salvation and that my pre-married use of my lady bits makes me an unsuitable bride, never mind where the man has been prior to marriage. I'm not like evil or anything, just modern like most of you ladies.)
We've weathered that storm and resolved to rest in our truth and hold on to what this event is really about - us spending forever together. We were bolstered by my parents' unwavering support and love. Now, we are less than two months from the wedding any my mom found out that my dad has been engaging in unsavory behavior that is an unconfirmed affair (calls to strange numbers in the middle of the night, disappearing in the middle of the work day, constantly deleting all his texts, etc). She left him a few days ago to get her head and heart straight.
There is a part of me that wants to push through simply because we are already about $25k into this thing, and I don't want to alert the extended family and our friends to any issues. I'm devastated that our wedding has been commandeered by ridiculous family drama and our parents' inability to hold it together and just let us cross the finish line. We've debated cancelling everything, taking the money loss, and eloping just us and trying to reclaim a shred of wedding joy.
Thoughts? Should we cancel?
Re: When is it too late to cancel?
But will you be happy if you do cancel and elope? Will you regret it in the long run? All of this drama is crazy and I feel for you, but how will this affect your actual wedding day if you proceed? Do you think any of the parents will cause a scene? And if you do elope, would you still be thinking about all of the crap and the drama and everything that caused you to elope? Wouldn't that still drag down the day?
If you and your fiance are happy with your living arrangements and religion and all of that, then piss on your in-laws and what they think. I guess what I'm trying to say is to do what you actually want to do, not what you think would be easiest at the present time because you can't re-do your wedding.
Also, I think it's crap that you lumped your mom into the drama with the bolded. She is finding out that her husband is possible having an affair and you're mad that she can't "keep it together" for your wedding - one day? C'mon.
It's really never to late to cancel, even if you have to eat up your money. Have STD's or invites gone out?
If you haven't sent invitations out yet, don't until you've made a final decision on whether to keep the wedding on or not. While I agree it's never too late to cancel if things really aren't right, it's better to avoid your guests' eating the cost of travel arrangements they can't change.
Anyway, while I understand wanting to avoid all this family drama on your wedding day, I think you need to consider whether you'll regret missing out on celebrating with the family and friends who aren't involved in it. People get married with all sorts of crap going on around them all the time. Do you think that someone is going to a cause a scene bad enough to ruin the entire day for you and FI? If you don't think so, or you believe you can get through it okay if it does happen, then don't miss out on sharing this day with your loved ones if that's important to you. That being said, I wouldn't worry about tipping off your extended family and friends to what's going on if you choose to elope; they are probably going to find out eventually anyway. Don't make yourself responsible for that.
In the end, you and FI should have a long, honest discussion about all this and do whatever feels right for the both of you. Good luck.
FI’s parents sound ridiculous and inappropriate- their son is a grown man. And I hate when anyone imposes their religious beliefs like you describe...religion is so personal! The timing of your dad’s actions are suck too. If you feel that your originally planned wedding would cause more stress and grief than it would provide joy, then cancel. Can you and FI give it a few weeks before deciding to reflect on what would make you both happiest? I’m sorry again about all of this.
First off, I am so sorry to hear about your FIL's! They sound like ghastly, intolerant, and sexist people. On the bright side, you've already seen that your FI will stand up for you against his family, when they are in the wrong.
With most of the planning done and much of the money paid, I think you all would probably regret not going through with the ceremony/reception that is already planned. My strategy for that day would be to put all the negativity to one side, and focus on the happy day. Focus on the big, wonderful step you are about to take with your FI. Focus on the majority of guests who have come to celebrate with you all.
To be fair, I didn't have any drama for my wedding. But all the little things I thought I'd be worried about completely vanished when I was standing at the altar with my H. It was a joy that transcended everything else. There were some minor things that didn't go well at the reception. I couldn't have cared less.
With all that said, if you all really don't want anything to do with what is already planned, it's definitely your all's prerogative to cancel. But the problems that are upsetting you certainly go much deeper than the wedding and I don't think eloping will take away any/much stress.
Something else to consider. If I were a guest who had already paid for a plane ticket (or other expense that couldn't be cancelled) to come to your wedding, I would be really annoyed if you all cancelled and then eloped. Especially since most of your guests would probably never know the reasons why because they are so personal. I am definitely not saying that to be mean, just pointing out how it might feel for someone who doesn't know the backstory.
As far as your in-laws go, you should keep them at arm's length and have security ready to escort them out if they make a scene. I hardly had time to speak to my in-laws on my wedding day, so hopefully that is the same for you.
Edit - TK went into maintenance mode and ate the last of my sentence.
But otherwise, certainly you can cancel your big wedding and elope. My sister cancelled her big wedding and had a small wedding of like 20 guests instead, and while that was based in some family drama it was nothing compared to yours.
Good luck with this decision!
We offered to reimburse for flights and no one took us up on it (everyone was able to get airline credits or reimbursements, except H's grandma who would rather complain about something than accept a solution. And four years later, she's still complaining LOL).
Throw the party you want for your friends (obviously treating your guests like guests, though, with appropriate food, venue etc).
But why have your bridesmaids quit? You can't control your family, but having two close friends drop out is surprising.
2) Your issue is relatives that you two probably should instead invest in some premarital counseling directly on the topic of zealot families and newly divorced parents. Premarital counseling is also a great idea for even the best of relationships, but especially so when you're dealing with people with these personalities because first it is this (thinking you two should elope immediately instead of the few months until your official date - REALLY?!?!?), but next it'll come to things like should you choose to have kids (1) and how they're brought up in all things religion/faith, etc. There is a former knottie that wrote the book on the subject (literally) "Managing the People Stress of Wedding Planning" that is well worth checking out (She and her Dad were on Oprah - she's now a Marriage & Family Counselor)...
3) Keep your Date, if your guest list is smaller that's o.k., it means upgrades to your event as that'll open up areas of your budget, and if you've got minimum servings and there's no way that number of people will be in the room, you line things up with a local charity such that the extra servings of food are donated locally. I realize the family is currently making you miserable, but it's not their money, the chances of you cancelling and forever resenting having done so because of the drama your FIL's are trying to create (not to mention the financial hit)are however extremely high. Just remember to drop the topic from discussion around them, it's a choice to get sucked into the drama. They're saying their peace (that isn't a part of ceremonies now anyway), call it at that, just don't be naive to think it'll stop once the wedding is over!
Of course, you are correct that this greatly inconveniences anyone who had to take time off, travel or make financial commitments or other arrangements to attend your wedding.
But before you make a decision one way or the other, I'd consider what's driving you to want to cancel. Yes, it sucks big-time that your FILs are judging your pre-marital life and creating drama about it. And it sucks big-time that your father cheated on your mother and this came out right before your wedding.
But I wouldn't base your decision solely on your respective parents' behavior. Nor would I blame your mother for "not keeping it together for one day" when she's been cheated on. Infidelity hurts. Even when that's not the reason why a marriage is in trouble, it can be very hard for divorced or separated couples to be together, even for their kids on their special occasions.
When my cousin (now divorced herself) was married, her husband's parents were going through a divorce (not yet finalized on the wedding day). Her own parents had also been divorced since she was a baby, and their post-divorce relationship was bitter. It was a Jewish wedding, and the groom was accompanied down the aisle by both parents. Their strain of being together was very obvious. And my cousin came down the aisle alone. At the reception, the couple sat at a sweetheart table and their parents each sat at separate tables.
I don't know what drama took place during the wedding planning, and I'm sure I didn't catch all the nuances. But my cousin and her then-husband ultimately went through with the wedding, even though it must have been really tough. I'm not suggesting that you need to do the same -- only to not base any hasty decisions that you may regret later on your parents' and FIL's behavior.
Getting pre-marital counseling, as @MesmrEwe suggests, is a good idea.
And here is my advice, after nearly 3 decades with a narcissistic MIL: your marriage will survive only if you BOTH put your spouse ahead of your families of origin. Love them, respect them, but set boundaries with them. Your marriage is the beginning of a new family. If your husband is listening to his family badmouthing you, he needs to stop today. If your father's issues are clouding your thinking about your husband, you need to lay that aside, not just for your wedding, but forever.