Wedding Woes

How to leave my trans spouse?

Dear Prudence

My spouse came out as transgender last week. I have suspected she was keeping a secret for the past six months, as she was distant and acting differently. I hadn’t wanted to push her to tell me, thinking it was something that we could deal with when she was ready. Now I want to divorce. The past six months have shaken our relationship, and I signed up to be married to a man. At the same time, I want to be supportive of her and her brave decision to come out. How long do I have to wait to ask for a divorce?

—Looking for an Exit

Re: How to leave my trans spouse?

  • LW needs to talk to the spouse and possibly see a therapist and an attorney.

    Lots of talking.   Lots of figuring things out and I would think one of the first steps is getting a new place to live.   
    charlotte989875OliveOilsMomshort+sassyeileenrob
  • Get thyself to counseling and an attorneys office. But probably counseling first. Maybe alone, maybe with your spouse, maybe both. I believe it’s possible to be supportive but also care for yourself. I agree with @banana468 that step one might be finding a space to stay while you work through how you feel. 

    But dont do any of this without telling your spouse. She had to come out on her own time, and I’m sure the secrets hurt, but keep more secrets is only going to make it harder. 
    short+sassy
  • mrsconn23 said:
    Dear Prudence

    My spouse came out as transgender last week. I have suspected she was keeping a secret for the past six months, as she was distant and acting differently. I hadn’t wanted to push her to tell me, thinking it was something that we could deal with when she was ready. Now I want to divorce. The past six months have shaken our relationship, and I signed up to be married to a man. At the same time, I want to be supportive of her and her brave decision to come out. How long do I have to wait to ask for a divorce?

    —Looking for an Exit
    You gotta take care of yourself. It might be that you are too hurt to be supportive. That’s okay. 
    short+sassyeileenrob
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member

    There are many stories of a married couple, divorcing after the other comes out and they remain close friends.  This could also be that case, but first LW needs to help themselves process this news.

    LW wants to be supportive and I think they could still be supportive while living separately.  First, if its available start in another bedroom.  If that is not enough space, then find your own place.  If LW's spouse is in therapy for the transition, it could be helpful for LW to join in a session or two (if the spouse allows).

    Everything is fresh and raw, right now for LW.  LW does also need to see an attorney, even if its just a preliminary meeting.

    charlotte989875short+sassy
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