Hi Everyone. I'm looking for some advice about how to deal with an issue that has come up with my future mother in law.
When we first got engaged, my mil announced all she cared about was picking the song for her mother/son dance. This was mildly awkward as my partner and I had already decided against any spotlight dances besides our first dance. This was in part because we both feel a bit awkward about dancing in front of people, but also because my dad passed away when I was 16 and I know it would be difficult for me to watch a dance that draws attention to his absence. Not having him there will already be so painful, so I would like to minimize moments that emphasize his not being there. I shared this with my partner but also said it was ok if he wanted to dance with his mom. He didn't really want to anyway, so we decided to stick to our first dance and to having our parents give speeches. After mil made the comment, he spoke to her privately to explain the situation and she seemed to accept that decision.
However, recently, she has started casually mentioning her dance with my partner/her son. My partner had planned to talk to her about it and to basically say.. look, this is why we made that choice, we'd prefer not to do this but if its really important to her we will consider it. I've been adjusting to the idea and preparing myself bc I didn't want to take something from her even though it would be hard for me. I was annoyed she was taking this passive aggressive approa rather than speaking to either if us directly but, whatever. However, this weekend at my bridal shower, I could hear her speaking to my mother in the kitchen, asking if my mom would dance with me so she and my partner could have a dance together. She then came into the room where I was talking to other people,cupped my chin in her hand (unusual) and announced that she and my mom had made a decision about my wedding. I was taken of guard but said...yes I heard but please keep in mind its ultimately my decision. She kind of winked and said I should talk to my mom. So I said I would but that it would still ultimately be my decision. After she left I talked to my mom, who was a bit confused bc during the conversation with my mil she said she was very careful to keep repeating she would do whatever me and my partner wanted.
Again, I had been leaning towards reconsidering our decisoon, but now I'm very upset and feel as though my mil went behind my back to try to manipulate me by getting my mom on her side. I dont feel its appropriate to frame this as having made a decision for me about my own wedding without ever having spoken to me about it. Additionally, throughout the shower she acted very inappropriately; made numerous crude and overly sexual comments, told my mom to her face she didn't like the shower theme, and had a loud, awkward one sided conversation with my aunts about the manner of my dads death in the middle of the games. (To emphasize, not asking about my dad or what he was like or anything- but going into detail about his drowning and all the other people she knew who had drowned.)
I was already upset and then...this 'decision' pushed me over the edge. To make it a bit worse, when talking to my mom, she went on and on about how amazing her dance was with her other son who recently got married- she explicitly said it was much better than his dance with his new bride, which she mocked bc they did a basic slow dance. This makes me even more uncomfortable bc it seems as though this dance is a way for her to compete with her sons partners - something that has been an ongoing issue in my relationship with her, and which has put a strain on her relationship with my partner as well.
I feel like ultimately I will give in to whatshe wants, but right now i am very resentful of how she has treated me. It's difficult to make a decision that will cause me pain for the sake of someone who has been so disrespectful of me and dismissive of my feelings. I would appreciate any advice on what to do, and if theres any way to communicate to her how hurtful she has been without causing more drama. My partner is also very upset with her and has said he will talk to her, but as of right now I think we are both too upset to even know what to say. Even though the situation is upsetting I want to support him im his relationship with his mom and not make anything worse; at the same time I dont want to hide how I feel.
Sorry this is so long - Perhaps I'm over-reacting; any advice and perspective is much appreciated.