Dear Prudence,
Since my parents divorced, I’ve become a sounding board for my mother’s romantic relationships. When she started dating “Alan,” she began to confide in me about how he was treating her, describing emotional and verbal abuse. I did my best to be supportive while validating her feelings and making it repeatedly clear that his behavior wasn’t OK. I was relieved when she finally decided to leave him. The breakup was messy, and he even punched a hole in the wall. My aunt and uncle got him out of the house and changed the locks. Since then, Mom and Alan have gotten back together a couple of times in sort of secret, since my mom knows how our family feels about him. I’ve let her talk about him without really commenting, because I don’t want her to feel isolated.
However, I just had my first child (my mom’s first grandchild), and she asked if she could bring Alan to my house to meet my baby. I had to answer on the spot, telling her that I was still uncomfortable with how Alan had treated her and that I’d have to talk to my husband about it. I loathe this man. He’s anti-intellectual, sexist, and virulently racist. And of course, there’s the abuse, and not just of my mom: He’s even hit their dog. I can’t stop my mom from having a relationship with Alan, but I don’t want him in my life at all, and definitely not in my child’s life. My husband feels the same way, and just as strongly. But it seems really cruel to tell my mom, who’s always loved and supported me unconditionally, and who’s such an excited and devoted grandmother, that her boyfriend isn’t allowed near my kid. Am I overreacting? Is there a solution I’m not seeing?
—Mom’s Abusive Not-Quite-Ex