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Two People in My Bridal Party are Getting a Divorce From Each Other

I’m getting married in August of next year, and several months ago, I had eagerly picked out my bridal party. Two of the people in my bridal party, ‘Phillip’ and ‘Beverly' are married to each other, and have been my closest friends for almost a decade. I adore them and was a bridesmaid in their wedding five years ago; they have been together for over fifteen years and I naively didn’t think anything could ever come between them. I was wrong. Phillip and Beverly separated a few weeks after I'd asked them to be in my bridal party.

I've been trying to be considerate of their feelings as I plan my wedding. I've been careful not to bring up anything wedding-related that might trigger some difficult emotions on their part as their marriage ends and have tried to make myself as emotionally available to them as possible.

That being said, it's been almost nine months since their separation began, and I'm at the point where I could really use their help with things. I don't want to be a selfish bridezilla; I realize that I can't possibly imagine what they are going through and that my wedding is (understandably) not really on their radar, but I'm having some serious second thoughts about them being a part of my wedding.

Not only have I not been able to talk to Phillip and Beverly about wedding-related topics, they also are having difficulty being civil with one another. They fluctuate between being best buddies-with-benefits and crying and shouting at each other, and I can't possibly predict when their arguments are going to happen. Are they going to decide to air their drama at the wedding or reception? Are they just going to be stressing me out on the one day I need them to be supportive?

Also, I realize that when people are hurting, they say hurtful things, and Phillip and Beverly have said some things to and about me during this time that I haven't been able to work past. One day, when I was discussing Phillip's professional goals with him, he said that I couldn't possibly understand his struggles because my parents are 'loaded', so I don't have to worry about failure. Not only is this not true, it was really hurtful.

Beverly has also said some things about me to other people about how I struggle with certain bad habits the most out of our friend group (no crazy bad habits, they mostly have to do with me being a workaholic, but still not a great thing to say about a friend). When I confronted her about it, she said she 'couldn't help saying these things' because she just is excited about evangelizing and gets carried away with her words (we aren't the same religion).

These are things I don't think either of these people would say if they weren't already coming from a place of hurt, but it's difficult to feel supported by these two right now. My question is this: do I keep them in the bridal party or do I sit down and have a conversation with them about the fact that I don't trust them to be supportive of me on the big day? I feel like such a jerk and that I'm kicking them while they're down, but I'm also really frustrated with the situation.

Re: Two People in My Bridal Party are Getting a Divorce From Each Other

  • Ah! Good question, flantastic. I have to get married in a different state than the one I live in (and yes, 'have to' is the operative word here - my fiancé and I are two different religions, and the diocese in the state we live in refuses to marry us). We told this couple that we would need their help with some wedding-related errands because they live in the state we are getting married in, and they agreed to it at the time.
  • IMO - The thing to do is go out to dinner with each individually and ask their opinion in regard to being in the wedding from a neutral standpoint.  It may not be a big deal, it may be something that brings uncomfortable feelings, OTOH, it may simply be a "PLEASE don't pair us up together!" or Much ado about nothing.  

    As for errands regarding the wedding, best to arrive a day or two earlier to be able to do those errands yourself instead of asking others to do them for you.  As others have pointed out, plenty of brides have OOT weddings with little to no assistance in making things happen.  One possibility is a wedding coordinator that's local to your venue.  Given the circumstances I'd consider those options first...
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    ILoveBeachMusiceileenrobahoywedding
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    MesmrEwe said:
    IMO - The thing to do is go out to dinner with each individually and ask their opinion in regard to being in the wedding from a neutral standpoint.  It may not be a big deal, it may be something that brings uncomfortable feelings, OTOH, it may simply be a "PLEASE don't pair us up together!" or Much ado about nothing.  

    As for errands regarding the wedding, best to arrive a day or two earlier to be able to do those errands yourself instead of asking others to do them for you.  As others have pointed out, plenty of brides have OOT weddings with little to no assistance in making things happen.  One possibility is a wedding coordinator that's local to your venue.  Given the circumstances I'd consider those options first...
    I think this is good advice. They may have some reservations about being in the wedding party that you can put at ease if you have a simple, level headed conversation with them individually. Don't approach it from the "I'm not sure you should be in the wedding party" point of view though!

    Yeah, I don't understand the necessity of having them do your errands for you. Hire someone if you absolutely can't get there yourself. 
    ShesSoColdMesmrEwemissfrodoahoywedding
  • I don't understand why you can't make all your arrangements via e-mail or phone. In any case, you are almost an entire year out from your wedding and thus have plenty of time to figure it out without bothering them while they are going through their divorce.
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    charlotte989875eileenrobInLoveInQueensahoywedding
  • How early did you ask people to be in your wedding? Your wedding is almost a year away, and you asked them 9 months ago? 

    For lurkers and other posters, this is why it's recommended to wait to ask your bridal party. You have no idea how circumstances or relationships can change. 

    Don't have them running errands for you. Take care of this yourself. I also agree that you should sit them down separately and ask their feelings on being in the wedding. Let them make the call. 
    All of this.   Wedding errands that you can't do should be done by someone you pay OR get to town days in advance to do this. 

    Then TALK to them.   
    eileenrobcharlotte989875InLoveInQueensahoywedding
  • eileenrobeileenrob member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited October 1
    I definitely wouldn’t sit them down for a big talk.  Let them know time and place type details as your wedding gets closer and let them decide what they’re comfortable with.

    Ditto PP that regardless of location they shouldn’t be running any errands.  Time is on your side, you have almost a year to save up time from work to arrive at your destination a few days earlier than planned (or hire someone to run errands). 

    Eta spelling 
    charlotte989875ahoywedding
  • 1. Do not discuss your wedding with them. There is literally nothing you need them to do.

    2. Do not ask them to back out. If they decide that standing up at your wedding is too much, they can choose to back out. But you don't get to kick them out!

    I am curious about your logic on this last point. If you asked them to help with things in the state where you are getting married, how do you plan to get these things done if you kick them out ? Think about your answer to this question, and start doing those things, whatever they are.

    If they choose to be in your WP, email the BM your choice of color for the dress in, say, March of next year. She will have plenty of time to find a dress in that color, length, etc. Let your FI talk to the groomsman about whether he'll need a tux, etc.

    That is literally it!
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    banana468 said:
    How early did you ask people to be in your wedding? Your wedding is almost a year away, and you asked them 9 months ago? 

    For lurkers and other posters, this is why it's recommended to wait to ask your bridal party. You have no idea how circumstances or relationships can change. 

    Don't have them running errands for you. Take care of this yourself. I also agree that you should sit them down separately and ask their feelings on being in the wedding. Let them make the call. 
    All of this.   Wedding errands that you can't do should be done by someone you pay OR get to town days in advance to do this. 

    Then TALK to them.   
    I would agree if she were 3 months from the wedding, but this wedding is nearly a year away! There's really no reason to sit them down and talk to them about being in the wedding right now. If it gets to be May and OP still has concerns about whether they can behave themselves on the day of, then would be the time to ask if they're up for a wedding. Chance are, they will grieve through the end of their marriage and feel differently 6 months from now. 

    OP, you were wrong to tell them they needed to do chores for your wedding. You should apologize and make other arrangements. Otherwise, there is nothing wedding related for these people to worry about for months. Leave them alone, and be a supportive friend. Remember, people need friends for support when going through the tough stuff, like divorce. You don't need support to get through your wedding. 
    short+sassyahoyweddingcharlotte989875
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    So, unless OP and her FI wouldn't have asked both of these people to be in their wedding party if they were already divorced, I don't think the "don't ask your wedding party this early" really applies here. I mean, I agree with the advice in general but OP said both of these people are some of her best friends so she may have asked them each to be in the party regardless of their relationship status.

    But other than that, I generally agree with PPs. Don't ask them to do your chores, keep not talking to them about your wedding, keep talking to them about their own lives and just be a good friend to each of them. Unless they bring it up, I wouldn't talk at all about the wedding. If they're uncomfortable being in the wedding, they'll come to you. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    short+sassyahoyweddingcharlotte989875
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