Self- Centered Bridesmaid

knottie29a9fb450924fd6e

Hi all,

I am just looking for some opinions on this topic. I realize that I may be over reacting, but I want to hear from some people who seem to know what they are talking about. This past weekend, my bridesmaids threw my bachelorette party. For the most part, it was amazing! However, I had one bridesmaid who seems to have a very bad attitude regarding the whole thing. She got married at the court house in July, due to immigration reasons. This in itself is absolutely fine and her choice. However, she then proceeded to throw a "reception" full of terrible etiquette. She didn't host a thing at her get together. It was at a bar where we had to pay for all our own drinks and dinner. Since this has happened, all she seems to be able to talk about is how no one got them gifts, and how people didn't seem to really care about it. Getting back to the bachelorette, the entire time she talked about her new life with her husband and how great everything was, but also continuously complained about how weddings are a waste of money and how no one cared that they got married. It felt like she was over compensating and stealing the spot light. I felt like I couldn't get a word in edge wise. If I did mention something about our wedding or anything about life at all, it felt like she was trying to one up me. I was pretty upset about her behavior at the party. My concern is that she will now turn the remainder of the pre-wedding events into her show as well. We are getting our nails done for the wedding, and I am also paying to have the bridesmaids hair and makeup done on the day of. Any suggestions of how I can handle the situation if this comes up again?

pegasuskat

She sounds sad and jealous that she didn't get to have a wedding. If I had a friend good enough to ask to be in my wedding then I would have bought her a wedding gift when she got married. Asking you to buy your own dinner was rude but for a good friend I would have sucked it up, been happy for her and given her a wedding gift. 

levioosa

knottie29a9fb450924fd6e said:

Hi all,

I am just looking for some opinions on this topic. I realize that I may be over reacting, but I want to hear from some people who seem to know what they are talking about. This past weekend, my bridesmaids threw my bachelorette party. For the most part, it was amazing! However, I had one bridesmaid who seems to have a very bad attitude regarding the whole thing. She got married at the court house in July, due to immigration reasons. This in itself is absolutely fine and her choice. However, she then proceeded to throw a "reception" full of terrible etiquette. She didn't host a thing at her get together. It was at a bar where we had to pay for all our own drinks and dinner. Since this has happened, all she seems to be able to talk about is how no one got them gifts, and how people didn't seem to really care about it. Getting back to the bachelorette, the entire time she talked about her new life with her husband and how great everything was, but also continuously complained about how weddings are a waste of money and how no one cared that they got married. It felt like she was over compensating and stealing the spot light. I felt like I couldn't get a word in edge wise. If I did mention something about our wedding or anything about life at all, it felt like she was trying to one up me. I was pretty upset about her behavior at the party. My concern is that she will now turn the remainder of the pre-wedding events into her show as well. We are getting our nails done for the wedding, and I am also paying to have the bridesmaids hair and makeup done on the day of. Any suggestions of how I can handle the situation if this comes up again?

“FI and are are thrilled with our plans. Have you tried that new Mexican place off of 5th street? I hear they have amazing bean dip.”

Dont feed into her comments. Shut them down and change the topic. 

knottie29a9fb450924fd6e

Hi pegasuskat,

Sorry about the misunderstanding. My fiance and I did get her a wedding gift. When she says "no one" she means not as many people as she was expecting. 

levioosa

pegasuskat said:

She sounds sad and jealous that she didn't get to have a wedding. If I had a friend good enough to ask to be in my wedding then I would have bought her a wedding gift when she got married. Asking you to buy your own dinner was rude but for a good friend I would have sucked it up, been happy for her and given her a wedding gift. 

I disagree with this. I had a friend who treated me horribly as a bridesmaid. She told me I was “ruining the wedding” when I told her I had plans to save the $150 I was voluntold must go to a cabin with the bridesmaids sleepover the night before the wedding. That was on top of the bride being a total bridezilla for the rest of the wedding. I ended up agreeing to spend the night with her to save what was left of the friendship, but that was all the money I had, and a chunk of that was supposed to be for her wedding gift. So I didn’t give her a “real” gift and I have zero regrets about that. OP was asked to subsize an event. That dinner and drinks money would have come out of a gift budget and I don’t think she should feel guilty about that. 

banana468

She sounds like she's honestly regretting her choices and also has limited social intelligence.   Between the way she hosted her event and the dominating of the conversation I'd feel somewhat bad for her.

What I'd do in the context of your wedding: do not indulge her comments.   If they're starting to sound like that horse has been beaten enough move over them.   "So what color have you picked for your manicure?"  

None of what she's talked about sounds like she's stolen the show.   It just sounds like she's trying to dominate conversation. 

If you're in a room where she's continuing to dominate the conversation then walk out of it.   

That said - is any of this in keeping with who she is?  Because if that's par for the course for her she's not going to change. 

knottie29a9fb450924fd6e

Hi levioosa,

First off, thank you for the advice above, that sounds like a great way to handle the situation without things becoming too dramatic. I don't blame you at all for the $150 coming out of the gift budget! It's unfortunate that the bride treated her bridesmaids that way. We did end up giving the gift we had originally planned at the event, but I definitely had mixed feelings regarding the situation. I also don't blame other guests for not giving a gift when no hosting was occurring. 

banana468

levioosa said:

pegasuskat said:

She sounds sad and jealous that she didn't get to have a wedding. If I had a friend good enough to ask to be in my wedding then I would have bought her a wedding gift when she got married. Asking you to buy your own dinner was rude but for a good friend I would have sucked it up, been happy for her and given her a wedding gift. 

I disagree with this. I had a friend who treated me horribly as a bridesmaid. She told me I was “ruining the wedding” when I told her I had plans to save the $150 I was voluntold must go to a cabin with the bridesmaids sleepover the night before the wedding. That was on top of the bride being a total bridezilla for the rest of the wedding. I ended up agreeing to spend the night with her to save what was left of the friendship, but that was all the money I had, and a chunk of that was supposed to be for her wedding gift. So I didn’t give her a “real” gift and I have zero regrets about that. OP was asked to subsize an event. That dinner and drinks money would have come out of a gift budget and I don’t think she should feel guilty about that. 

I also totally agree with this.

I'm curious OP - was the event billed as a wedding reception or a no host "come celebrate with us" type of thing? 

I wouldn't show up to a bar with a gift if the impression was that I was on my own.   It sounds like a night out with friends and that's fine - but it also sounds like how my social circle handled a lot of birthdays in our 20's - no gift given and you buy your own drinks.

If that friend was wanting to be treated like a bride at a wedding reception she should have not forced any additional expenses on the bar patrons (note - they aren't really her guests if she didn't host a thing).

knottie29a9fb450924fd6e

The way the "invitation" was worded was conflicting. It was a Facebook invite, I don't remember the actual title of the event but I think it was "Wedding" or something like that. 

I completely agree with the birthday party comment, that was how I felt as well. We decided to give a gift because she is a close friend of ours, and we did want to show her we were happy for her. It wasn't what we would normally give for a wedding, however.

I think her attitude is what bothers me the most about the event. It feels really entitled to me for her to continue to call it her wedding and complain about the gifts she received. The event honestly felt like a complete gift grab. She completely expected to be treated as a bride as well, and I think she was disappointed that she wasn't. Which is unfortunate, but I don't blame anyone for not treating her that way.

banana468

Is she socially clueless?  

I'm not cutting her slack but I'm curious if she lacks any experience in how to host/treat others and if she lacks an understanding beyond watching TLC wedding shows. 

If you want to be treated like a bride on her wedding day hosting her guests then that's what she should have been.  She wasn't a bride, it wasn't her wedding day and she wasn't hosting a damn thing. 

knottie29a9fb450924fd6e

She is normally pretty skilled socially. It was confusing because she has actually held properly hosted parties previously, such as New Year's Eve. As far as weddings go, I am not sure she really understood how things are supposed to work. However, I feel like this could have been easily remedied with a simple Google search. 

I agree 100%. It's difficult for me when she brings it up all the time, because I know why people weren't treating her like a bride. I'm hesitant to point this out to her because what's done is done and I don't think she would take it well. 

banana468

knottie29a9fb450924fd6e said:

She is normally pretty skilled socially. It was confusing because she has actually held properly hosted parties previously, such as New Year's Eve. As far as weddings go, I am not sure she really understood how things are supposed to work. However, I feel like this could have been easily remedied with a simple Google search. 

I agree 100%. It's difficult for me when she brings it up all the time, because I know why people weren't treating her like a bride. I'm hesitant to point this out to her because what's done is done and I don't think she would take it well. 

Meh - there's a mixed bag of results out there. 

It just sounds like she's having sour grapes over the choice she made.

I think rather than point out to her what she did wrong, if she DOES bring it up again and won't let it go can you say, "I think you now need to look at what's in the past as what you can't change and now look forward to the future and your life together that you're planning.   So what do you think of matching purple thongs for the bridesmaids??" 

charlotte989875

knottie29a9fb450924fd6e said:

She is normally pretty skilled socially. It was confusing because she has actually held properly hosted parties previously, such as New Year's Eve. As far as weddings go, I am not sure she really understood how things are supposed to work. However, I feel like this could have been easily remedied with a simple Google search. 

I agree 100%. It's difficult for me when she brings it up all the time, because I know why people weren't treating her like a bride. I'm hesitant to point this out to her because what's done is done and I don't think she would take it well. 

I wonder if you (general you, not just solely you) stop engaging with her about her wedding if she’ll drop it? Or maybe changing the subject will help? 

Sure you could point it out, but like you said she’s probably not going to take it well, and there really isn’t anything she can do. I’d say when she starts in on it change the subject or just be like “mmhmm” and hope she gets the hint? 

What shes doing is annoying but theres a good chance everyone else thinks it’s annoying too. But I think being the bigger person here is the right strategy. People will focus on you when you’re properly hosting/the person the event is for, and can see when someone else is trying too hard (for whatever reason). 

ShesSoCold

charlotte989875 said:

knottie29a9fb450924fd6e said:

She is normally pretty skilled socially. It was confusing because she has actually held properly hosted parties previously, such as New Year's Eve. As far as weddings go, I am not sure she really understood how things are supposed to work. However, I feel like this could have been easily remedied with a simple Google search. 

I agree 100%. It's difficult for me when she brings it up all the time, because I know why people weren't treating her like a bride. I'm hesitant to point this out to her because what's done is done and I don't think she would take it well. 

I wonder if you (general you, not just solely you) stop engaging with her about her wedding if she’ll drop it? Or maybe changing the subject will help? 

Sure you could point it out, but like you said she’s probably not going to take it well, and there really isn’t anything she can do. I’d say when she starts in on it change the subject or just be like “mmhmm” and hope she gets the hint? 

What shes doing is annoying but theres a good chance everyone else thinks it’s annoying too. But I think being the bigger person here is the right strategy. People will focus on you when you’re properly hosting/the person the event is for, and can see when someone else is trying too hard (for whatever reason). 

This is exactly what I'm thinking. If she's all "We didn't get to do this for myyyyy wedding!" when you're having mimosas while getting your hair done, nod and tell her her lipstick is a great color. 

I feel like most people would eventually stop trying to talk about whatever subject if no one indulges them and responds.

banana468

ShesSoCold said:

charlotte989875 said:

knottie29a9fb450924fd6e said:

She is normally pretty skilled socially. It was confusing because she has actually held properly hosted parties previously, such as New Year's Eve. As far as weddings go, I am not sure she really understood how things are supposed to work. However, I feel like this could have been easily remedied with a simple Google search. 

I agree 100%. It's difficult for me when she brings it up all the time, because I know why people weren't treating her like a bride. I'm hesitant to point this out to her because what's done is done and I don't think she would take it well. 

I wonder if you (general you, not just solely you) stop engaging with her about her wedding if she’ll drop it? Or maybe changing the subject will help? 

Sure you could point it out, but like you said she’s probably not going to take it well, and there really isn’t anything she can do. I’d say when she starts in on it change the subject or just be like “mmhmm” and hope she gets the hint? 

What shes doing is annoying but theres a good chance everyone else thinks it’s annoying too. But I think being the bigger person here is the right strategy. People will focus on you when you’re properly hosting/the person the event is for, and can see when someone else is trying too hard (for whatever reason). 

This is exactly what I'm thinking. If she's all "We didn't get to do this for myyyyy wedding!" when you're having mimosas while getting your hair done, nod and tell her her lipstick is a great color. 

I feel like most people would eventually stop trying to talk about whatever subject if no one indulges them and responds.

I hope that works too!   Hopefully if she's trying to manipulate conversation in a group the group stops indulging it. 

Ro041

Omg I am going to one of these "receptions" this weekend!  They eloped and are now have a reception at a bar during a non-meal time with apps provided by the couple and a cash bar.  I have mixed feelings about how much of a gift we should give.  

Regarding your question, I would probably be more b*tchy (but that's not always the best solution) and say something like, "we all make decisions about what our wedding looks like.  People tend to give smaller gifts when they don't witness the wedding or the couple doesn't fully host.  With all the money you saved, you were probably able to get a ton of stuff off your registry!"  

maine7mob

I never thought I'd say this, but I agree that it seems appropriate to give a less expensive gift when the guests are already paying their way at the wedding. People have only so much money they want to spend on someone else's wedding.

MairePoppy

Your friend sounds like a terrible boor. You need to practice your blank stare. If she mentions that your shower is a total waste as you're opening gifts, stop cold and stare at her until she quiets or feels uncomfortable. Don't say a word. After making your point, go back to opening your gifts and thanking your well wishers. 

MesmrEwe

I had a few like this surrounding our wedding, I kid you not, the stories I could tell from the one who insisted I "just hire it out" like she did and on and on... As a PP eluded to, shut it down with some good ole' "Bean Dip!"... 

Keep it in perspective (annoying as it may be)..  Remember life is about more than one day at a wedding, and it's not your fault that she didn't have the turnout she wanted (that is to be expected when people are invited via FB instead of an actual in-the-mail invite AND not hosted for at least the dinner..), and don't take it personally..  There is truth to be found in sometimes far too much money is spent on "one day" to the point that a lot of couples go into needless debt.  

short+sassy

The PPs covered some good strategies.  I just want to express my sympathies, OP.  She does sound exhausting.  Although she is probably and I hope happy with their own ceremony decisions, it does sound like she is having sour grapes that more attention wasn't paid to her.  Which is perfectly logical!  But I can see where she's feeling a little sad now, seeing you have more attention and events happening for your wedding that is only a few months after hers.

However, while I can understand her feelings, it's not okay that she's expressing them with complaints about her lack of gifts (eye roll) and being indirectly snarky about your bigger ceremony/reception that is planned.

Jen4948

I agree with bean-dipping. I also like @MairePoppy's cold stare strategy.

But if those don't put a stop to her bitching, then you might well need to be more direct: "I'm sorry things didn't work out at your wedding as you hoped. But it's time to move on. That means, shelve your wedding-related hostile commentary. None of us appreciate it."