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Wedding Woes

Long Post - Love Obsessed Work Associate

NBSquared2017NBSquared2017 member
100 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
edited October 9 in Wedding Woes

Edited because I shouldn't call her crazy - that’s not fair.  

So – I think I mentioned my co-worker who is really needy on this forum before. This might be complicated and long, but try to follow:

She was in a relationship with someone for 4 years and it was volatile. They argued a ton and they just were not a good fit.  She meets another person and moves out of her and her ex’s apartment on without telling him and immediately moved in with the new guy. 

She was with the new guy for 6 months then found out they aren’t compatible (not shocking after she moved in with the guy after only knowing him for 1 month), and kicked him out of HIS APARTMENT and is living there until the lease is up and he’s paying ½ the rent (she is not on the lease). I keep asking her what she’s going to do because she needs to find a place to live by January and she’s nonchalant and does not seem stressed at all about potentially being homeless.

While living in the 2nd ex’s apartment, she meets another guy on a dating app about 6 weeks ago. He just moved to the city and they meet up and hit it off. He’s a teacher, so they started hanging out right when school started so he was really busy. 

He would text her every three days, usually after a flurry of texts from her checking in and trying to set up plans to meet up. She said he told her several times there was no one else and she was set on thinking that this was moving to something serious, but she could not handle the fact that he would not text her back. I told her that they were only hanging out and that she did not have the right to dictate how he communicates as they were just hanging out and not serious. 

At this point she was texting me and instant messaging me and pulling me to the side to cry about this guy who she had only been hanging out with for six weeks. I was trying my best to be supportive, but I finally told her that she should just move on, because they were obviously on different pages when it came to what they wanted out of this relationship. 

Well – he finally text her and told her that they would be better friends than lovers and that he really liked her as a person, but he’s just not looking for something serious. He said he feels like there is more of a connection on a friendship level vs. a boyfriend/girlfriend level. She’s very upset because they were intimate several times and she thinks he’s lying. I told her to drop it and move on – but she won’t.

I can’t take this anymore. She’s driving by his apartment, making fake tinder profiles to see if he’s active on there, checking all his social media accounts. I feel like I’m trying to be a good friend, but I’m to the point of telling her I can’t give her anymore advice because she’s losing her shit over a guy she’s only known for six weeks.

I don’t know what to do to get through to her.

Re: Long Post - Love Obsessed Work Associate

  • So – I think I mentioned my co-worker who is really needy on this forum before. This might be complicated and long, but try to follow:

    She was in a relationship with someone for 4 years and it was volatile. They argued a ton and they just were not a good fit.  She meets another person and moves out of her and her ex’s apartment on without telling him and immediately moved in with the new guy. 

    She was with the new guy for 6 months then found out they aren’t compatible (not shocking after she moved in with the guy after only knowing him for 1 month), and kicked him out of HIS APARTMENT and is living there until the lease is up and he’s paying ½ the rent (she is not on the lease). I keep asking her what she’s going to do because she needs to find a place to live by January and she’s nonchalant and does not seem stressed at all about potentially being homeless.

    While living in the 2nd ex’s apartment, she meets another guy on a dating 6 weeks ago. He just moved to the city and they meet up and hit it off. He’s a teacher, so they started hanging out right when school started so he was really busy. 

    He would text her every three days, usually after a flurry of texts from her checking in and trying to set up plans to meet up. She said he told her several times there was no one else and she was set on thinking that this was moving to something serious, but she could not handle the fact that he would not text her back. I told her that they were only hanging out and that she did not have the right to dictate how he communicates as they were just hanging out and not serious. 

    At this point she was texting me and instant messaging me and pulling me to the side to cry about this guy who she had only been hanging out with for six weeks. I was trying my best to be supportive, but I finally told her that she should just move on, because they were obviously on different pages when it came to what they wanted out of this relationship. 

    Well – he finally text her and told her that they would be better friends than lovers and that he really liked her as a person, but he’s just not looking for something serious. He said he feels like there is more of a connection on a friendship level vs. a boyfriend/girlfriend level. She’s very upset because they were intimate several times and she thinks he’s lying. I told her to drop it and move on – but she won’t.

    I can’t take this anymore. She’s driving by his apartment, making fake tinder profiles to see if he’s active on there, checking all his social media accounts. I feel like I’m trying to be a good friend, but I’m to the point of telling her I can’t give her anymore advice because she’s losing her shit over a guy she’s only known for six weeks.

    I don’t know what to do to get through to her.

    Well, only you know your work relationship but I would probably begin to be more blunt:

    -No one wants to be harassed in multiple texts throughout the day if you're in a LONG term relationship.   If you've known each other for 6 weeks and he's not responding, you need to let it go.

    -If you keep this up, you are entering stalking territory.   Let it go.   If you think he didn't like you before what do you think will come of this?   He doesn't want to be with you.   LET IT GO.

    She's a colleague.   I would stop being a supportive friend and would start to ask questions as to what her goal is here.      

    She's constantly talking to you and using you as a therapist.   Stop acting like one and recommend one to her.  

    And don't tell her where you live. 
    charlotte989875eileenrobsparklepants41MNNEBride
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    Yikes. She sounds like a mess. 

    Since she's a coworker, I'd try to stay as far away from this nonsense as I could. 

    I'd almost exactly what you said - if you haven't already given her advice on not stalking this poor new guy, simply tell her that you can't try to help her anymore because you disagree with what she's doing and wish her well. Then bean dip her when she tries to talk about it again.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    charlotte989875eileenrob
  • Thanks everyone! I have to be firm and if she can’t respect that - I don’t need that type of person in my life. 
    charlotte989875
  • Also, after you are blunt with her about this if she doesn't let it stop how is your HR department?    
    charlotte989875NBSquared2017
  • Definitely shut this down fast when it is happening at work.  You don't want to get in hot water over what your all's boss my view as too much socializing.  It's also the easiest out, because you can use the excuse that you're extra busy and can't really talk.

    However, like the other PPs have mentioned, it is also time for tough love.  You're not going to get through to her.  She's not ready to let go yet.  But as she gets closer to being able to let go, hopefully she'll remember your words.  I'd tell her she has entered into obsession territory with this guy.  That it's not healthy for her and you're concerned.  But that you also can't be a party anymore to conversations about him because, even those, keep fueling her fixation.

    And then stick to that.  Anytime she brings him up, remind her that you won't discuss him with her anymore.

    As for her living situation, unless there is sluggish rental demand in your all's area, it's probably a bit too soon for her to be looking anyway for a Jan. rental.  For 4-plexes and under or smaller apartment complexes that currently have a vacancy advertised, it's unlikely they'd want to sign a lease that doesn't start for 3 more months.  Though bigger apartment complexes might not be a bad bet.  At least to scope some out and have a future target in mind.  But she should start looking in Nov.  I'd give her one reminder in the beginning/middish of Nov. to start looking so she isn't rushed.  And then drop it.

    And don't let her "temporarily" move in to your house if she becomes homeless :P.  I'm just teasing, I know you're not that foolish, lol.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    NBSquared2017
  • banana468 said:
    Also, after you are blunt with her about this if she doesn't let it stop how is your HR department?    
    It’s small, but equipped to deal with issues. 

    I usually don’t make work friends, but when I started here she was very persistent about hanging out so I didn’t see the harm. Now I know why I don’t have personal relationships with work associates lol 
    charlotte989875eileenrob
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Honestly, I found myself in "friendships" like this a lot in my 20s. I can't speak for everyone, but the older I got, the less patience I had for people and relationships like this. In my now late 30s, I just don't entertain this kind of stuff, you know? 

    Everyone has given great advice. I'd just shut her down and not engage with her. Let the friendship fade out. 

    mrsconn23short+sassycharlotte989875eileenrob
  • Definitely shut this down fast when it is happening at work.  You don't want to get in hot water over what your all's boss my view as too much socializing.  It's also the easiest out, because you can use the excuse that you're extra busy and can't really talk.

    However, like the other PPs have mentioned, it is also time for tough love.  You're not going to get through to her.  She's not ready to let go yet.  But as she gets closer to being able to let go, hopefully she'll remember your words.  I'd tell her she has entered into obsession territory with this guy.  That it's not healthy for her and you're concerned.  But that you also can't be a party anymore to conversations about him because, even those, keep fueling her fixation.

    And then stick to that.  Anytime she brings him up, remind her that you won't discuss him with her anymore.

    As for her living situation, unless there is sluggish rental demand in your all's area, it's probably a bit too soon for her to be looking anyway for a Jan. rental.  For 4-plexes and under or smaller apartment complexes that currently have a vacancy advertised, it's unlikely they'd want to sign a lease that doesn't start for 3 more months.  Though bigger apartment complexes might not be a bad bet.  At least to scope some out and have a future target in mind.  But she should start looking in Nov.  I'd give her one reminder in the beginning/middish of Nov. to start looking so she isn't rushed.  And then drop it.

    And don't let her "temporarily" move in to your house if she becomes homeless :P.  I'm just teasing, I know you're not that foolish, lol.

    Okay so she did mention moving in briefly,  but then laughed so I obviously thought she was joking...but now, who knows 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️ Lol 
    short+sassy
  • banana468 said:
    Also, after you are blunt with her about this if she doesn't let it stop how is your HR department?    
    It’s small, but equipped to deal with issues. 

    I usually don’t make work friends, but when I started here she was very persistent about hanging out so I didn’t see the harm. Now I know why I don’t have personal relationships with work associates lol 
    Either HR or a manager. My direct supervisor is someone I would talk to if something like this was going on. Plus it would give them a heads up that you’re not fully participating in this and you’ve tried to handle it on your own. 
    short+sassy
  • Honestly, I found myself in "friendships" like this a lot in my 20s. I can't speak for everyone, but the older I got, the less patience I had for people and relationships like this. In my now late 30s, I just don't entertain this kind of stuff, you know? 

    Everyone has given great advice. I'd just shut her down and not engage with her. Let the friendship fade out. 
    Yep.  I had a lot more time and energy for the 'drama' when I was younger.  DH and I got burned a couple times by being sucked into other people's shit.  

    DH's friend and workout partner is getting divorced.  So DH gets the rundown every time they workout.  DH will say one thing once and if gym partner blows him off, DH moves on and doesn't bring it up again.   I will say that he comes home and tells me everything and then we discuss it (and either judge or agree, LOL).   I'm still FB friends with his friend and the STBX wife...They're definitely following the 'social media divorce trajectory' that I often see happen. /tangent 

    Anyway, point being, cutting her off and no longer engaging as her sounding board will be the best thing for you, personally and professionally.  She sounds like a lot and I'm sure other people are aware of her instability if she's downloading this much all the time on to you.  
    charlotte989875NBSquared2017
  • banana468 said:
    Also, after you are blunt with her about this if she doesn't let it stop how is your HR department?    
    It’s small, but equipped to deal with issues. 

    I usually don’t make work friends, but when I started here she was very persistent about hanging out so I didn’t see the harm. Now I know why I don’t have personal relationships with work associates lol 
    At minimum she sounds like someone who does not understand humans behavior.   And if she's constantly trying to push you then it's time to shut down any of her advances even if it's for afternoon coffee.

    She's way too intense.   And that kind of intensity may look really exciting when you're ripping off each others clothes but when you're in the middle of teaching and ready for things to start to even out you don't want 15 texts asking what you're thinking about. 

    So start to shut this down.   And then if she repeats it start to say, "I need to get back to work."

    And then I'd go to HR and just say that you're concerned.   
  • LD1970LD1970 member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited October 9
    banana468 said:
    Also, after you are blunt with her about this if she doesn't let it stop how is your HR department?    
    It’s small, but equipped to deal with issues. 

    I usually don’t make work friends, but when I started here she was very persistent about hanging out so I didn’t see the harm. Now I know why I don’t have personal relationships with work associates lol 
    Sounds like she's this intense and pushy with everyone, including you.  You just had no way to see it as a pattern when you first started there.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
    short+sassyShesSoColdeileenrob
  • Ro041 said:
    "Yikes Sally.  If I were that dude and I found out you were driving by my house and making fake profiles to monitor my activity, I would be thinking restraining order and not thinking about getting back together.  You really need to let it go before something serious happens."  

    ....maybe this is why I don't have a ton of friends.  :D 
    It's why Sally doesn't! 

    I think that response is great.   Coworker needs to know that there's nothing remotely acceptable about what she's doing and no one sane is going to validate that. 



    Also I'll echo the others.   I had a friend like that from childhood.   I wish her all the best in life but she just started to be way too much.   I think she may have been institutionalized and when she wasn't I refused to be alone with her knowing she was also not going to choose good partners and I didn't want her bringing anyone near my single bedroom apartment. 


    charlotte989875eileenrob
  • LD1970 said:
    banana468 said:
    Also, after you are blunt with her about this if she doesn't let it stop how is your HR department?    
    It’s small, but equipped to deal with issues. 

    I usually don’t make work friends, but when I started here she was very persistent about hanging out so I didn’t see the harm. Now I know why I don’t have personal relationships with work associates lol 
    Sounds like she's this intense and pushy with everyone, including you.  You just had no way to see it as a pattern when you first started there.

    That's a great point!  I hadn't even connected those dots.
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  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Some people are just super pushy at all relationships. Years ago, I met a friend of a friend at a bar. She seemed nice enough. We lived near each other, so she asked for my number, saying she'd love to hang out. She called me every day for the next week, saying "let's get the girls together!" I don't even know what "girls" she was talking about. It was super odd. 

    NBSquared2017
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited October 9
    I have a friend like this. She moved in with a guy after dating him for only four months -- and after posting numerous times on Facebook that he's rude, nasty and insensitive to her feelings. This is after she broke up with a guy she'd dated for a long time, who was also rude, nasty and insensitive to her, whom she also regularly complained about.

    Lots of people, including me, have advised her to break up with the guy and not to move in with him. She always follows up with defensive posts about how much she loves him, how "great" he is and how she can't afford to live anywhere else.  She also attacks people, including me, who have advised her to run for the hills from this guy.

    I finally decided that her issues are not my circus, not my monkeys. Since she never takes advice, I'm not going to respond to anything else she has to say about her relationship. I'm also not going to be a shoulder for her to cry on or a sympathetic ear. It's not good for my own peace of mind. Yes, this makes me hard and selfish, which I don't like to be. But it's impossible to help someone who's unwilling to accept that there's a problem and she's part of it. All I can do is let her lie on the bed she made by herself until she decides she's willing to actually change her life in a positive way.
    short+sassyNBSquared2017
  • Jen4948 said:
    I have a friend like this. She moved in with a guy after dating him for only four months -- and after posting numerous times on Facebook that he's rude, nasty and insensitive to her feelings. This is after she broke up with a guy she'd dated for a long time, who was also rude, nasty and insensitive to her, whom she also regularly complained about.

    Lots of people, including me, have advised her to break up with the guy and not to move in with him. She always follows up with defensive posts about how much she loves him, how "great" he is and how she can't afford to live anywhere else.  She also attacks people, including me, who have advised her to run for the hills from this guy.

    I finally decided that her issues are not my circus, not my monkeys. Since she never takes advice, I'm not going to respond to anything else she has to say about her relationship. I'm also not going to be a shoulder for her to cry on or a sympathetic ear. It's not good for my own peace of mind. Yes, this makes me hard and selfish, which I don't like to be. But it's impossible to help someone who's unwilling to accept that there's a problem and she's part of it. All I can do is let her lie on the bed she made by herself until she decides she's willing to actually change her life in a positive way.

    Back in my college days, my b/f (Stan) and I had an "intervention" conversation with a mutual friend.  We'd been on a lot of double dates with her and her b/f (P).  They argued constantly and all the time.  Stan and I also found him to be emotionally abusive to our friend.  As it turns out, he was physically and sexually abusive also, but we didn't know that at the time.

    We talked to her about our concerns.  But she swore everything was fine and started to get upset with us.  And then came perhaps more of the stinger.  We also told her that, although we both loved her and wanted to spend time with her, we could no longer go on the regular double dates with them.  Because it usually ended up being an awkward and unpleasant evening for us, due to all of their fighting.  That really upset and made her sad.  We knew we'd lost the battle for our friend.

    The double dates stopped.  She and I stayed friends for a little while longer, but she became really distant with me.  I'm sure she told P what we'd said.  He already didn't like me and I know he used the rift to wedge us further apart.  In true abuser style.  Separating her from her support system.  She and I never had any final fight.  But I eventually stopped reaching out in what had become a one-sided friendship.  And two years went by with no word from her. 

    Then we reconnected in a crazy, chance encounter.  The kind that is too much of a coincidence for me to not believe in fate, or God, or some higher power in our world.  Her and P had broken up by then and it all came spilling out.  We became friends again and, all these years later, still are.

    In the beginning of our renewed friendship and knowing what had happened to her, I did feel some guilt that I hadn't hung on and "been there" for her.  But, honestly, I don't think there are any words or actions I could have done to have changed any of those outcomes.  It's hard to see someone you care about headed straight for a cliff.  But, if they're intent on jumping down, don't get pulled off with them.    

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    NBSquared2017

  • I don’t know what to do to get through to her.

    Maybe inform her of your state's stalking laws?!?!?!  

    Really - she needs a puppy and a therapist...  Let me tell you that dog will be the best cared for thing on this planet...
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    missJeanLouiseNBSquared2017
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