How to not invite a partner?

mybugsmybugs

My fiancé's brother is in a wheelchair.  He came out here earlier this year to find locations that would work for him to attend the wedding at because of all the people, he's got the hardest time getting around.  Most of our parents have been out and agree the locations are suitable.

Since then, my younger sister's partner has been extremely nasty.  How we need to consider all people when picking locations - well, not possible with 200 people and if future brother in law can get from point a to point be, Grandma can also.  How he's just going to dump future brother in law out of his chair, he can learn to walk like a man.  Partner has a history of assaults and other stupid behavior when intoxicated.

So I'm on the side of screw it, I'm going to be a rude bride.  He's flat out not welcome.  He's just going to cause a problem.  If not with future brother in law, with someone else because he's a jerk.  

Do I just not invite him or do I have to not invite both sister and him?

Thanks!

ei34

knottie66a0e73f5fc786e4 said:

My fiancé's brother is in a wheelchair.  He came out here earlier this year to find locations that would work for him to attend the wedding at because of all the people, he's got the hardest time getting around.  Most of our parents have been out and agree the locations are suitable.

Since then, my younger sister's partner has been extremely nasty.  How we need to consider all people when picking locations - well, not possible with 200 people and if future brother in law can get from point a to point be, Grandma can also.  How he's just going to dump future brother in law out of his chair, he can learn to walk like a man.  Partner has a history of assaults and other stupid behavior when intoxicated.

So I'm on the side of screw it, I'm going to be a rude bride.  He's flat out not welcome.  He's just going to cause a problem.  If not with future brother in law, with someone else because he's a jerk.  

Do I just not invite him or do I have to not invite both sister and him?

Thanks!

The general rule is SOs must be invited unless there is a history of or chance of assault.  A suggestion of dumping someone out of their wheelchair is disgusting and definitely assault, IMO.  If you think he’s serious you can give him a verbal warning, but if he shows up and tries anything, giving his name to venue security will hopefully keep any violence or disrespect at bay.

I don’t know what else you have on your plate but if that’s who my sister was dating I wouldn’t be planning a wedding or doing anything else until I had a huge come to Jesus talk with her about dating someone like that.

downtondiva

If you think that your sister's partner is a credible threat to your future brother-in-law's safety (or anyone else's, for that matter), I think it's acceptable not to invite him. It could cause some serious drama with your sister, but compromising the safety of your guests is the worst thing you can do when hosting a wedding. Safety always comes before etiquette.

If you feel you must include him, have security available, and should something go terribly wrong, don't hesitate to call the police. 

All this being said, I have to agree with @eileenrob about having a talk with your sister. I'm generally not a fan of interfering in people's love lives, but this guy sounds dangerous. 

mybugsmybugs

Thank you both.

Talking with my sister - I've tried, but she's not a fan of my life choices that involve working with bugs and living in California, so anything I say has been ignored.  I know our other siblings have said similar statements and our father HATES him.  

I am not sure how serious he is.  My belief is he runs his mouth a lot, until he's drunk. But we're having an open bar, so could be an issue.

If it's less of an issue, I'm willing to not invite my sister also.  It's a case of I should, but at this point in her life, I don't want her there.

And all this may well change by February 2020.

Thank you!!

ahoywedding

I'm sorry you're in this situation. If you have reason to believe his threats are credible, you're not wrong to exclude him. It would likely create a rift between you and your sister but it seems like that's already been there. It also seems like your parents would support you in excluding him. If you do decide to include him, I would definitely ask your venue about security options, and make them aware. You could also talk to your bartenders, so they could keep an eye on his drinking.

Also, major props to you for considering you future BIL's ability to attend your wedding! We see a lot of people putting their vision or wants ahead of guests' comfort, so it's great that you planned with him in mind. 

MyNameIsNot

mybugsmybugs said:

Thank you both.

Talking with my sister - I've tried, but she's not a fan of my life choices that involve working with bugs and living in California, so anything I say has been ignored.  I know our other siblings have said similar statements and our father HATES him.  

I am not sure how serious he is.  My belief is he runs his mouth a lot, until he's drunk. But we're having an open bar, so could be an issue.

If it's less of an issue, I'm willing to not invite my sister also.  It's a case of I should, but at this point in her life, I don't want her there.

And all this may well change by February 2019.

Thank you!!

I would just exclude them both. Trying to split them up is going to cause more of a rift with your sister and you don't really care about her being there anyway.

That said, why were you discussing anything about venue with him? How is your venue, your FBIL and wedding planning any of his business at all? 

climbingwife

Why does your sister's partner even care? This is truly bizarre to me. He sounds like a truly awful person. 

Honestly, I would just exclude them both. 

banana468

At this point I wouldn't invite him either.   I'd consider one last "come to deity" conversation with your sister too but if this is where she wants to play her cards call her bluff and tell her that she's not welcome either.

Still make sure your venue knows of this potential disruption so they can be prepared to remove those who will cause a scene. 

Jen4948

banana468 said:

At this point I wouldn't invite him either.   I'd consider one last "come to deity" conversation with your sister too but if this is where she wants to play her cards call her bluff and tell her that she's not welcome either.

Still make sure your venue knows of this potential disruption so they can be prepared to remove those who will cause a scene. 

This. I'd give your sister one more chance, but only one. If she insists on keeping the status quo, then I would not invite either of them.

short+sassy

I'm a long-time poster on this site.  It's pretty rare when someone doesn't want to invite another person's SO and it is actually a legit reason.  But, this is definitely one of those rare times.  Just wow.  It's hard to understand where that kind of negativity comes from aimed at an innocent person with a serious disability, no less.

Even if I thought my sister's SO was all talk and wouldn't actually try to physically harm someone, I still wouldn't invite him.  He has shown he can't control his big mouth with his hate speech and I wouldn't give him the opportunity to even verbally harass another guest.

I might still invite my sister.  Depending on which way I think she would be "hurt less", if that makes sense.  For example, if she would be hurt if I didn't invite her and would at least "sort of" understand why her SO wasn't invited.  Though that's not the picture you paint of her.

Not necessarily related to the wedding.  But don't let this guy alienate her from you and the rest of the family.  That's what abusers do.  Even if she's mean and difficult and seems to not want anything to do with you all, keep reaching out on occasion.  Someday, she'll need a lifeline.  So keep one dangling for her.

artbyallie

I vote for don't invite sister and do tell her exactly why she's not invited, because it sounds like both she and her SO are assholes.

MairePoppy

The etiquette rule is the SOs must be invited. But safety and common sense trump etiquette. 

Let your sister know he won't be invited. If she chooses not to attend, so be it. If there's any chance they might crash your wedding, hire security to keep them out.

MobKaz

mybugsmybugs said:

Thank you both.

Talking with my sister - I've tried, but she's not a fan of my life choices that involve working with bugs and living in California, so anything I say has been ignored.  I know our other siblings have said similar statements and our father HATES him.  

I am not sure how serious he is.  My belief is he runs his mouth a lot, until he's drunk. But we're having an open bar, so could be an issue.

If it's less of an issue, I'm willing to not invite my sister also.  It's a case of I should, but at this point in her life, I don't want her there.

And all this may well change by February 2019.

Thank you!!

If her partner has a history of assaults, and he sounds like an ass hat in general, it might actually be safer to not invite your sister, for her sake. 

I understand this is a broad generalization, but if sister is invited sans SO, that SO may use intimidation, or worse,  to prevent sister from attending, if she were so inclined.

Jen4948

MobKaz said:

mybugsmybugs said:

Thank you both.

Talking with my sister - I've tried, but she's not a fan of my life choices that involve working with bugs and living in California, so anything I say has been ignored.  I know our other siblings have said similar statements and our father HATES him.  

I am not sure how serious he is.  My belief is he runs his mouth a lot, until he's drunk. But we're having an open bar, so could be an issue.

If it's less of an issue, I'm willing to not invite my sister also.  It's a case of I should, but at this point in her life, I don't want her there.

And all this may well change by February 2019.

Thank you!!

If her partner has a history of assaults, and he sounds like an ass hat in general, it might actually be safer to not invite your sister, for her sake. 

I understand this is a broad generalization, but if sister is invited sans SO, that SO may use intimidation, or worse,  to prevent sister from attending, if she were so inclined.

While it's true that the sister made the choice to be with this piece of crap, not inviting her to the wedding will not necessarily protect her from his violence.

Not inviting him should protect everyone else from his violence. But it could leave her isolated with him while she's being subjected to his violence. 

mybugsmybugs

Thank you everyone.  Work was busy and I forgot to check in.

For now, we're taking everything wedding on FB to private group.  Sister is not included as of now.  If she grows up and dumps the trash, I'll reconsider.

It is crappy, but she's not hurt by future brother in law attending.  Future brother in law may very well be harmed by her attending.  So no real debate.

Some part of me is saying just go to the courthouse and skip all this mayhem.  But we already put deposits down, and I bought a dress this weekend, so may as well go have fun.

Again, thank you everyone for helping!

MesmrEwe

Definitely still invite the sister, leave the SO's name off..  Some people however are clueless when it comes to etiquette, so you've got to have your backup plans in place.  If the discussion comes up, say given his statements and previous behavior when inebriated you're concerned for FBIL's well-being.