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Wedding Woes

Since you don't have a relationship, I don't think she has a leg to stand on.

Dear Prudence,

Six years ago, I ghosted my mom. She’s a monster—I remember her trying to persuade my dad to kill himself. After he left, she made us children pray that our father would get killed on duty because the life insurance would be a “blessing.” She tried to have my older brother institutionalized by claiming he tried to murder me in my sleep with a knife. When I turned 15, she lied to doctors to try to get me diagnosed with a specific life-threatening illness. When I went to college, she cashed my financial aid checks by forging my signature, calling it “payback” for my childhood expenses. She’s taken out credit cards in my grandparents’ names and has preyed upon them to gain control of their estates. Somehow, she always manages to get away with her schemes. It’s been six years since I last spoke to her. I now live across the country and have a wonderful life with a successful job and beloved spouse. We just found out that we’re expecting twins. While I’m excited to start my family, I’m equally terrified that my mother will find out and demand to re-enter my life.

She has no other grandchildren to speak of and no remaining relationships with her children. She would also love the attention that comes from having twin grandchildren. The thought of her holding my babies makes me want to throw up. I also know she will take one look at my financially stable life and start to scheme. How can I protect my family? She has never been arrested, sued, or proven to be guilty of any wrongdoing. On paper, she looks like a model citizen. She excels at manipulating others into believing she’s a wonderful human. Is it possible to keep her from her grandchildren if she demands it?

—Afraid of Ghostly Visits

Re: Since you don't have a relationship, I don't think she has a leg to stand on.

  • I understand the fear - I just cut my family off, and there were phone calls for a while, and I still have to catch my breath when the phone rings. 

    But. How is she going to find out? You don't live there, you don't say you have any acquaintances or anything that would tell her. She won't know. She can't know. 

    Lock down your social media and try to forget about it. Maybe look into a couple of therapy sessions to ease your anxiety about it and give you strategies just in case - my H and I came up with some, and it really, really helped. 
    image
    mrsconn23ShesSoColdMNNEBride
  • I would lock down social media so this doesn't get out.

    And then I'd make sure that you didn't tell your mom.  

    That said, if you can consult an expert - (an attorney??) I'd ask about ways to safeguard yourself given the mom's penchant for this.  I would want to see if there are ways to keep my names off of property transfers, phone numbers, etc that can often be searched as a form of public record. 




    mrsconn23charlotte989875MNNEBrideeileenrob
  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited November 2018

    I would caution the LW, if she hasn't already, to put a freeze on her credit report/file.  And do the same for her H and soon-to-be children.  They can remove it themselves with a special password for anytime they need to, but if someone unauthorized tries to open a credit card, loan, or even usually a utility...they won't be able to because none of those companies will allow accounts to be opened if they can't see a person's credit report.

    And, of course, continue to keep this evil and toxic person out of their lives.

    Not quite related to this letter, but it really grinds my gears when people use their children's social security number to open utility and other accounts because they've already screwed up their own so badly they can't use theirs.  I've known two different people who did this and...shocker...also screwed up their child's credit before they were even old enough to use it.  It's despicable to put one's child at that kind of disadvantage, so early in life.

    Edited: to change the word "block" to freeze.  I knew block wasn't quite the right word, lol.  Thanks @kvruns.

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    charlotte989875MNNEBrideeileenrob
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its

    I would caution the LW, if she hasn't already, to put a block on her credit report/file.  And do the same for her H and soon-to-be children.  They can remove it themselves with a special password for anytime they need to, but if someone unauthorized tries to open a credit card, loan, or even usually a utility...they won't be able to because none of those companies will allow accounts to be opened if they can't see a person's credit report.

    And, of course, continue to keep this evil and toxic person out of their lives.

    Not quite related to this letter, but it really grinds my gears when people use their children's social security number to open utility and other accounts because they've already screwed up their own so badly they can't use theirs.  I've known two different people who did this and...shocker...also screwed up their child's credit before they were even old enough to use it.  It's despicable to put one's child at that kind of disadvantage, so early in life.

    My naive ass didn't even know that was a thing. 

    I'm with you guys here. Keep a low social media profile, talk to a counselor about your fears and maybe look into some sort of identity theft protection or something.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    short+sassy
  • Of course it is possible to keep her from her grandchildren! Lock down social media, freeze your credit, and lock down any people finding websites that you can (like Spokeo or whatever they are now) and hopefully you aren't in communication with others who may blab to her. 


    charlotte989875short+sassyeileenrob
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Wow. This woman is a horrific human being. 


    image
  • Keeping this awful woman from her grandchildren is not only possible, it's necessary. Ditto what everyone else has said about identity protection, low social media profile, etc. LW does not owe their mother a place in their life or in the children's lives. Mom threw out the opportunity to be involved a long time ago and doesn't deserve another chance.
    image
    charlotte989875short+sassyeileenrob
  • I would caution the LW, if she hasn't already, to put a freeze on her credit report/file.  And do the same for her H and soon-to-be children.  They can remove it themselves with a special password for anytime they need to, but if someone unauthorized tries to open a credit card, loan, or even usually a utility...they won't be able to because none of those companies will allow accounts to be opened if they can't see a person's credit report.

    And, of course, continue to keep this evil and toxic person out of their lives.

    Not quite related to this letter, but it really grinds my gears when people use their children's social security number to open utility and other accounts because they've already screwed up their own so badly they can't use theirs.  I've known two different people who did this and...shocker...also screwed up their child's credit before they were even old enough to use it.  It's despicable to put one's child at that kind of disadvantage, so early in life.

    Edited: to change the word "block" to freeze.  I knew block wasn't quite the right word, lol.  Thanks @kvruns.

    When I worked for a phone co (ha, remember that?  when I was a bride here? and working for the phone/internet company that was going through bankruptcy and got screamed at for hours daily?) this was a common thing.

    I hated it.  But I also understood it, a little, eventually, the longer I worked there.  utilities are a necessity.  A phone is a necessity (if are looking for a job and for the school to reach you when your kid is sick and for the ability to have internet, even crappy internet and for just LIFE).  And people who are living at the low end of things couldn't come up with the $200 deposit--hell, there are months when I'd be hard pressed to find $200 cash lying around, back then?  shit no. 
    SO, you have crappy credit because youve screwed up.  You're trying to fix it.  But you don't have $200.  What other choices do you have?  It's awful.  and it's extra awful because the kid has to press charges against you to do anything to fix it (and thats IF the kid can fix it--big hassle, highly unlikely.)
  • GBCK said:

    I would caution the LW, if she hasn't already, to put a freeze on her credit report/file.  And do the same for her H and soon-to-be children.  They can remove it themselves with a special password for anytime they need to, but if someone unauthorized tries to open a credit card, loan, or even usually a utility...they won't be able to because none of those companies will allow accounts to be opened if they can't see a person's credit report.

    And, of course, continue to keep this evil and toxic person out of their lives.

    Not quite related to this letter, but it really grinds my gears when people use their children's social security number to open utility and other accounts because they've already screwed up their own so badly they can't use theirs.  I've known two different people who did this and...shocker...also screwed up their child's credit before they were even old enough to use it.  It's despicable to put one's child at that kind of disadvantage, so early in life.

    Edited: to change the word "block" to freeze.  I knew block wasn't quite the right word, lol.  Thanks @kvruns.

    When I worked for a phone co (ha, remember that?  when I was a bride here? and working for the phone/internet company that was going through bankruptcy and got screamed at for hours daily?) this was a common thing.

    I hated it.  But I also understood it, a little, eventually, the longer I worked there.  utilities are a necessity.  A phone is a necessity (if are looking for a job and for the school to reach you when your kid is sick and for the ability to have internet, even crappy internet and for just LIFE).  And people who are living at the low end of things couldn't come up with the $200 deposit--hell, there are months when I'd be hard pressed to find $200 cash lying around, back then?  shit no. 
    SO, you have crappy credit because youve screwed up.  You're trying to fix it.  But you don't have $200.  What other choices do you have?  It's awful.  and it's extra awful because the kid has to press charges against you to do anything to fix it (and thats IF the kid can fix it--big hassle, highly unlikely.)

    That's a good point, but it's still setting a child up to be in that vicious cycle of desperation before they have a choice about it.

    And, while I'm sure this also happens for people who are desperate, the two IRL instances I know about was just parents being super sh***y people.

    One of those families will cry to you all day long about how hard their life is.  But most of their woes are from bad choices they continually make.  Including the dad who can't be bothered to do anything but stream movies all day, instead of looking for work.

    The other family, the mom ruined her daughter's credit by opening a Torrid store card and then not paying it.  TORRID!!!  As in the mall store chain with $40-$60 jeans and tops.  Hardly necessities.  And both the mom and her H (daughter's stepdad) work f/t and make above average incomes.  I'm not saying their financial life is easy but, at least on the surface, I doubt they are in dire straits.

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  • This is what identity theft protection is all about!  LW needs to get it for her whole family because chances are good this person is still doing that same stuff... Yep - Social Media lockdown, paperwork for daycare is "O.k. to photograph not to identify by name", etc.  
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