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Etiquette

Family Disrespecting a Dry Wedding

We chose to have a dry wedding for several factors (we don't drink, most of our friends/family don't drink, we didn't want unruly guests or bad memories of guests who'd had too much alcohol, we were on a VERY limited budget and it didn't make sense to pay THAT much for something only for a limited number of people -we didn't even get a caterer, our family made the food, which was excellent-, a long time friend of ours is a recovering alcoholic, we would have had to get a permit -per the venue- and hire an off duty cop, etc. etc. etc.), we did not advertise to anyone that it was a dry wedding because we really didn't think it would be that big of a deal (a dry wedding was really a no-brainer given the circumstances). Anyways, the wedding had gone perfectly, my groom and I sat down to eat (at a small table with the rest of the bridal party), and the next thing I know, his sister -the bridesmaid- is going around asking everyone at the table if they want "sustenance", and his other sister is outside somewhere with the alcohol ready to pour it for anyone that wants it (there was some drama because she heard me talking to my best friend about it, and I ended up telling her that I really didn't want there to be alcohol). There's a lot of other baggage in this situation that doesn't need to be aired here, I just want to know: was it socially acceptable for her to a) bring alcohol to the wedding despite us having a dry wedding? b) offer it to our guests when we were having a dry wedding, and this was breaking the contract we signed with the venue (and possibly the law, depending on how the law looks at it)? Because I find lots of discussion about individual guests sneaking alcohol into weddings, but I haven't found much on the social etiquette of a guest sneaking alcohol in and offering it to other guests (several of whom are underage and aren't in any way related to her). Thanks.

Re: Family Disrespecting a Dry Wedding

  • I agree with the PP. What are you hoping to accomplish with this question? Just confirming that it was poor etiquette? Or were you going to say something to her about it?

    Yes, it likely was rude for her to make a show out of providing alcohol to other guests. However, it's also kind of something to be expected with a dry wedding. It doesn't seem like there were any repercussions from her actions, so I'd let it be in the past, move on, and remember what went right.

    However, it is an interesting question about what happens if someone sneaks alcohol to a venue that wasn't planning to serve it. Our venue required a security guard if we chose to serve alcohol, so I guess I could see how they could maybe consider that a breach of your contract. It may depend on how the contract was worded, if they found out, etc. I don't remember hearing from anyone on the boards who got in trouble for guest sneaking booze. 
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    While I agree with PP, that was bullshit. She should not have done that. But there really isn't anything you can or should do. 

    I found out afterwards that my MIL and H's best man had been smoking pot in the bathrooms at our wedding. I was irate. I didn't do or say anything to either of them but FFS they could have gotten arrested and us kicked out of our own effing wedding! It still pisses me off (4 years later) but saying something would do no good.

    What's done is done. Let it go and if anything like this ever happens again, say something THEN. I would have told her to get rid of her alcohol as soon as I found out it was there. If you didn't say anything then, you really can't now.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    short+sassyMesmrEweMairePoppy
  • Going back in time, I would have...at the moment I knew it was happening...had my H say a quick word with his sisters (because "blood talks to blood").  And basically explained, like you did here, that it was not allowed in the contract and the venue could shut down the reception.  So, get it TF out and NOW.  And then gone on with the festivities.

    However, now it is after the fact.  Thank goodness nothing bad happened.  Sounds like you and your H had a great time, except for this.  Congrats, btw!

    But there isn't much point to bring it up now, so don't let this keep stewing for you.  It sounds like there might be some other baggage going on with you and your SILs.  Hopefully they will be smoother relationships but, if not, deal with each issue as it happens.  And it should primarily be your H dealing with any future issues, because they're his sisters.

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    MesmrEwe
  • What she did was super rude. No question. 

    But there’s not much you can do about it now. 
    STARMOON44ei34
  • Yep - what she did was RUDE AF!  That said, the PP have nailed it, it's over, for now, let it go, you don't get to throw it back in SIL's face nor let it stew.  The reason I say "For now" is if you choose to have kids and have a dry event such as a Birthday Party or a Christening/Bri/Brisk/etc., to be smart enough to know "Blood talks to blood" in having the situation shut down immediately.  

    How would a venue handle it - first, they would step in on your behalf to get them to put the alcohol away as this was not you sponsoring such behavior and they don't want the attention just as you don't.  IF said individual was lucky.  Depending on your city's enforcement, she'd get in trouble, not you provided you can show you were disapproving and not in a sarcastic way.  OTOH, depending on the venue and your local enforcement, they could have technically shut you down per the details of your contract.  Thankfully that didn't happen, but contracts are contracts.
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  • What his sisters did was absolutely wrong and disrespectful, but the time to say something was at the wedding when you found out what was happening. If you say anything now, they will just respond that nothing bad happened and tell you that you need to lighten up. It won't have any impact. 
    image
  • MobKaz said:
    I agree with the PP. What are you hoping to accomplish with this question? Just confirming that it was poor etiquette? Or were you going to say something to her about it?

    Yes, it likely was rude for her to make a show out of providing alcohol to other guests. However, it's also kind of something to be expected with a dry wedding. It doesn't seem like there were any repercussions from her actions, so I'd let it be in the past, move on, and remember what went right.

    However, it is an interesting question about what happens if someone sneaks alcohol to a venue that wasn't planning to serve it. Our venue required a security guard if we chose to serve alcohol, so I guess I could see how they could maybe consider that a breach of your contract. It may depend on how the contract was worded, if they found out, etc. I don't remember hearing from anyone on the boards who got in trouble for guest sneaking booze. 
    How so?

    OP said "they did not advertise" that the wedding would be dry.  It is not a requirement to announce whether alcohol will be available at an event.  I have attended dry weddings, two of which I did know in advance.  Not only did I or any one else bring alcohol, I did not expect others to do so.

    OP stated that if alcohol were involved at the event, they would be required to fulfill certain monetary and legal requirements.  The SIL or anyone else that would do this, is wrong.

    @knottie6d7ae206e7453015, it is NOT socially acceptable to bring and serve alcohol to someone else's event.  Just as the host has a responsibility to properly attend to their guests, the guests have a responsibility to accept that hospitality graciously.  Your husbands sisters sound immature and thoughtless.  I doubt that comes as a surprise to him.  I'm curious as to what he may have said or thought when this was happening.

    You need to let it go.  However, you now have a better picture of who they are and can move forward accordingly. 

    I must have overlooked where OP said they didn't tell everyone, but the SILs did know it was going to be dry. I was just assuming that there would be "those people" who would try to sneak in alcohol. Most people probably would be respectful and just deal with it, but there's always someone. 
    MyNameIsNot
  • levioosa said:
    We chose to have a dry wedding for several factors (we don't drink, most of our friends/family don't drink, we didn't want unruly guests or bad memories of guests who'd had too much alcohol, we were on a VERY limited budget and it didn't make sense to pay THAT much for something only for a limited number of people -we didn't even get a caterer, our family made the food, which was excellent-, a long time friend of ours is a recovering alcoholic, we would have had to get a permit -per the venue- and hire an off duty cop, etc. etc. etc.), we did not advertise to anyone that it was a dry wedding because we really didn't think it would be that big of a deal (a dry wedding was really a no-brainer given the circumstances). Anyways, the wedding had gone perfectly, my groom and I sat down to eat (at a small table with the rest of the bridal party), and the next thing I know, his sister -the bridesmaid- is going around asking everyone at the table if they want "sustenance", and his other sister is outside somewhere with the alcohol ready to pour it for anyone that wants it (there was some drama because she heard me talking to my best friend about it, and I ended up telling her that I really didn't want there to be alcohol). There's a lot of other baggage in this situation that doesn't need to be aired here, I just want to know: was it socially acceptable for her to a) bring alcohol to the wedding despite us having a dry wedding? b) offer it to our guests when we were having a dry wedding, and this was breaking the contract we signed with the venue (and possibly the law, depending on how the law looks at it)? Because I find lots of discussion about individual guests sneaking alcohol into weddings, but I haven't found much on the social etiquette of a guest sneaking alcohol in and offering it to other guests (several of whom are underage and aren't in any way related to her). Thanks.
    Before I answer, what exactly is your goal here? To throw it in his sister's face? To confront her? Because what's done is done. It doesn't sound like there has been any real repercussions from this, so I would let it go. It was rude. She should not have done it. But what's done is done. You had the wedding. Try to focus on the things that went well. 
    All of this, what are you trying to accomplish with this? 

    Also, what's up with the bolded? 

    Full stop - it's rude to bring anything to any party implying that what the hosts are hosting isn't enough.   That's rude on any day ending in Y. 

    But what's going on with the comment of offering alcohol  = unruly guests or you don't want bad memories of guests who drink too much alcohol?    If any of that ever left your lips please don't do it again.   That runs the risk of you sounding like you're attempting to parent grown adults.   Not only does that not go over well it also sounds like you're attempting to be way to controlling over the behavior of others.  

    Finally, there's something incongruous here.   You claim that hardly any guests drink but some actually did.   So was your choice made about budget or controlling or is it honestly correct?   Something isn't adding up.

    None of that makes what your SIL did OK.   But something here isn't quite passing my smell test. 
    charlotte989875levioosaInLoveInQueensahoywedding
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Yes, it was rude of her. But it would be childish to go confront her now to tell her she was rude. If you (you two) didn't handle it in the moment, you need to let it go. 

    From a venue perspective, it's on par with someone sneaking a flask into the movies. Not ok, but it happens. If the venue had found out, they would have taken and dumped it or had her remove it. If she still refused or persisted, only then when you have a situation where someone is calling the police or shutting down the event. Clearly, they didn't catch on at all, but the "this could have gotten you arrested or had your event shut down" is a bit dramatic. Your SIL was probably not the first and won't be the last person to sneak booze into that venue. 
    charlotte989875ei34
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Yes, it was rude of her. But at this point, just LET IT GO. 

    levioosa
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Your SILs were rude, but the time to address it was at the reception.

    There's no point in doing anything about it now, so I'd it go.
    InLoveInQueens
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited November 2018
    It was absolutely rude of his sisters to bring alcohol to your wedding. Guests are supposed to graciously accept the hosts' hospitality. Your husband should have shut down the bar, either by telling his sisters to put the booze away or by asking the venue manager to confiscate it. I hope you get some satisfaction in knowing what they did was wrong because it really is too late to do anything about it. 





                       
    STARMOON44ei34
  • It was very rude, but it's also a good thing no one confronted the offenders. That would have caused an embarrassing scene. But it's over now, so move on.
  • Yes, people do rude stuff. It's hateful, but being rude back puts you right in their category. If there's a polite way to end it, then do so, but it's obvious to me that the wedding is over and the time to correct it is past. What do you think the OP should do about it now?
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