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Etiquette

Is my FSIL committing etiquette blunders?

My FSIL is having her aunt officiate her wedding, but her aunt is not ordained. Their plan is to either the night before the wedding to go to an officiant’s office and have them conduct the legal ceremony and date the marriage licence for the next day, or they’re going to sneak off after the ceremony with the aunt to an officiant waiting in the wings to do the legal marriage and sign the papers while guests go to cocktail hour. So us immediate family know of this plan because FSIL had to share it with us because we questioned about whether the aunt was ordained or going to become ordained, but FSIL plans to not tell the other guests about this and hope that they assume the aunt is ordained and is legally marrying them. This to me just doesn’t sit totally right because she’s lying to her guests and they’re not actually witnessing the legal marriage ceremony but are being led to think that they are. Am I right to feel like this and like the wedding is a bit of a PPD or is it really not an etiquette blunder at all?

Also, this same FSIL is planning her own shower in that she’s making all the decisions about things like picking out venue, food, decorations etc. because she’s a control freak, but her mother is paying for everything and is labelled as hosting it. Is this frowned upon in terms of etiquette that she’s planning it all herself and is just having someone else foot the bill? 

Re: Is my FSIL committing etiquette blunders?

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Yes, these are etiquette breaches. I wouldn't want to see a ceremony performed by someone who wasn't legally empowered to do it. It would be a PPD. And the bride shouldn't plan her own shower.
    InLoveInQueensMesmrEwe
  • Yes to the ordained thing. Several commenters have come here saying they were going to ask the courthouse or their legal officiant to date the marriage certificate for a different date, but that's not how it works with legal documents. Online ordination is an option, but not all states/provinces/municipalities accept ordination from all online places. When I looked into it in NC, it seemed like technically it was legal for a marriage in our county, but people had run into issues later so we didn't risk it. 

    We just traveled to a destination wedding (5 hours away) that was officiated by the groom's brother who wasn't ordained. We found out as we were walking to the ceremony, and I was pretty peeved. I'm sure they didn't want it to get out, but that was only one of many etiquette blunders.

    I wouldn't necessarily side eye the shower if her mother is paying for everything. My MIL isn't huge on planning events but always wants to host, and I could see her deferring to my opinions if I would have had a shower. Now if she TOLD her mom to pay for a shower she planned, that would be terrible. But her mom could have offered to host and pay for a shower of your SIL's choosing, possibly knowing she wanted to have control ;) 
    short+sassyei34InLoveInQueensMairePoppy
  • The officiant issue isn't just a blunder - it's a lie/fraud.  If she's not actually getting married at her wedding what is she doing? 

    But the shower thing is really not your circus or your monkeys.   If her mom is fine with how this is going it's not your battle.
    ahoyweddingei34InLoveInQueens
  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited November 2018

    I will never understand the people out there who think it's appropriate to turn something as serious as their wedding ceremony into a fake show.  Like other PPs have said, either the aunt should get ordained or she should co-officiate with someone who can actually marry them.  And there are WAY too many people who know about this for it to remain a secret that they are LYING to their guests about the authenticity of the ceremony.

    I'm less side-eye about the shower because, although she is really getting into gray territory, it doesn't really affect her guests that she is the one doing all the planning instead of her mother.  However, hopefully the mother is at least being included in the costs/budget since she is the one paying!  Heck, go back just 1-2 generations, and it was considered inappropriate for a bride's mother to host a shower also.

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    ahoyweddingei34InLoveInQueens
  • Her aunt does not need to be ordained in order to conduct a legal ceremony. All she needs to do is apply for a license to perform the ceremony and it will be valid for that day only. My daughter did this so that she could officiate at the wedding of a couple of her friends. She ended up becoming seriously  ill and unable to perform the ceremony, so the mother of one of the brides got a one day license to perform it.  It was all perfectly legal and did not require any lying, subterfuge, or breaches of etiquette. This is what her aunt should do!
    MesmrEwe
  • maine7mob said:
    Her aunt does not need to be ordained in order to conduct a legal ceremony. All she needs to do is apply for a license to perform the ceremony and it will be valid for that day only. My daughter did this so that she could officiate at the wedding of a couple of her friends. She ended up becoming seriously  ill and unable to perform the ceremony, so the mother of one of the brides got a one day license to perform it.  It was all perfectly legal and did not require any lying, subterfuge, or breaches of etiquette. This is what her aunt should do!
    This is incredibly state/region specific and does not apply to most of the US and possibly even the rest of the world. Your username says Maine, but you should specify where this took place. Saying that as a blanket rule is pretty misleading, especially because OP didn't say where her SIL is getting married.
    ei34sparklepants41ahoyweddinglevioosa
  • The OP should look into whether this is legal in her state, then. Not intending to mislead. And you don't have to be ordained, whether or not you can get a one-day officiant's license. Any JOP can do the ceremony. My point was that there is no need for this subterfuge. It's not that complicated to get a real officiant. 
  • @InLoveInQueens, much of the rest of the world has to get married at city hall. Those who are religious can then have a religious ceremony conducted by ordained clergy, but they have to do the city hall thing first to be legal.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    maine7mob said:
    @InLoveInQueens, much of the rest of the world has to get married at city hall. Those who are religious can then have a religious ceremony conducted by ordained clergy, but they have to do the city hall thing first to be legal.
    In those countries where separate and civil ceremonies are required, the guests know what's happening. No one is lying to the guests. 

    As far as the shower goes, maybe the mother wants to make sure her daughter is happy with the shower and has asked her to handle the details. I don't think the guests need to concern themselves with the behind the scenes shower plans. 


                       
    ahoywedding
  • This is absolutely rude. I have now attended two weddings this summer where guests found out after that they were already married and then two ladies at work are planning similar rude ceremonies. If the Aunt cannot legally perform the wedding, she can do a reading, offer a blessing or something else.
    maine7mobcharlotte989875MesmrEweshort+sassy
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