What to do

knottieffd308519aec5b27

My fiance's cousin lives in Maine and our wedding is in Pennsylvania. This cousin is getting married in two days to a person we have never met. We had already done our guest list and really cannot afford to invite her new husband. We did not give plus ones to her mother or her sister so if we invite her new husband that would mean we should give plus one's to the mother and sister which would be three extra people we really cannot afford to invite nor do we know. Further they announced to the family that we are getting married only a week before their wedding after we already created the guest list and budgeted for our wedding. What do you recommend? 

bubblylove

Are you serious? They are married! And it doesn't matter if you don't know the person or they had a quick wedding. If you want people to respect your relationship why can't you respect theirs? 

Also, you don't have to allow the other plus one's. Plus one's are literally dates. And are optional. Significant others - like a spouse - are NOT optional. Also if three people are going to break your budget you did not leave enough cushion. 

redwoodoriginal

You don’t need to give the mother and sister plus ones. You DO need to invite her HUSBAND. 

And for for the record, significant other is not a plus one. Plus one is for single guests. Anyone dating/engaged/married to someone whether it’s for one day or one hundred years needs to be invited with their person. 

I suggest you relook at your budget and make sure everyone you invited is invited with their SO. 

My gosh. 

downtondiva

It doesn't matter that you've never met the cousin's new husband or that they are getting married on short notice. Significant others and spouses get invited. End of story.

If her mother and sister are truly single, then you don't have to give them plus-ones just because you're including the cousin's husband. 

missJeanLouise

knottieffd308519aec5b27 said:

My fiance's cousin lives in Maine and our wedding is in Pennsylvania. This cousin is getting married in two days to a person we have never met. We had already done our guest list and really cannot afford to invite her new husband. We did not give plus ones to her mother or her sister so if we invite her new husband that would mean we should give plus one's to the mother and sister which would be three extra people we really cannot afford to invite nor do we know. Further they announced to the family that we are getting married only a week before their wedding after we already created the guest list and budgeted for our wedding. What do you recommend? 

Echoing PPs. Your cousins husband should absolutely be invite, as should all Significant Others. If you are not sure if someone is in a relationship, simply ask them. 3 people shouldn’t put you over budget.

ILoveBeachMusic

Seriously! I can't believe this is even a question. Of course you invite your cousin's husband - he isn't a date, he is her spouse! You don't to give plus ones to people who aren't in relationships. You should have figured for this in your original guest list.

MyNameIsNot

This is your fault, and you have to figure out how to fix it. End of story.

You don't have to invite truly single people with a plus one, but you must invite everyone's significant other. Unless this cousin is getting married at first sight, her husband would have been a significant other when you were putting together your guest list. You need to go through and make sure that you haven't excluded any other significant others.

If you didn't leave enough room in your budget for significant others, that's your fault. You will have to cut your favors, or hair/make up, or limo, or start eating instant ramen or whatever you need to do to find the money. The fact that you didn't plan correctly is no excuse to treat people badly. 

ShesSoCold

I'm genuinely sad that this is a question. 

You need to go back to your guest list and see how many other significant others you've left out and invite them. Move some money around, cancel the ice sculpture, find a way to make this right. 

Few things are shittier than inviting someone to celebrate your relationship while simultaneously telling them that theirs isn't good enough.  

Seriously, how would you feel if someone looked at your wedding and your relationship with such judgement? 

climbingsingle

I can't even believe this is a question. YES, you have to invite her husband! And someone's partner is not a "plus one". Do the mom and sister have significant others?? If so, they NEED to be invited. 

banana468

You invite people in relationships with their SOs.

Fix your budget.   End of story.

knottieffd308519aec5b27

I understand everyone's position. The reason I asked this question was because the aunt had told us none of them were going to bring dates (whether they were in a relationship or not) which included the cousin who is getting married. The aunt said she was not even sure they could come because they are not sure they can afford the trip so my future mother-in-law offered to pay for the three of them to come. None of us knew the cousin was getting married and if my future mother-in-law has to pay for the three of them to come that would also mean she has to pay for the husband. So I was not sure if I should still give her the option to bring her husband since we were previously told she was not going to bring her boyfriend who will be her husband at the time of our wedding.  

ShesSoCold

knottieffd308519aec5b27 said:

I understand everyone's position. The reason I asked this question was because the aunt had told us none of them were going to bring dates (whether they were in a relationship or not) which included the cousin who is getting married. The aunt said she was not even sure they could come because they are not sure they can afford the trip so my future mother-in-law offered to pay for the three of them to come. None of us knew the cousin was getting married and if my future mother-in-law has to pay for the three of them to come that would also mean she has to pay for the husband. So I was not sure if I should still give her the option to bring her husband since we were previously told she was not going to bring her boyfriend who will be her husband at the time of our wedding.  

This isn't up to you, though. Or the aunt. If they can't/won't come to the wedding, they'll decline the invitation. You still give them that option. Things change all the time, maybe they were able to come. 

H's grandma told him they wouldn't be able to come to our wedding. We still sent them an invitation. It's not a summons. 

knottieffd308519aec5b27

Okay well it was too late for us to include him on the save the dates because they were already ordered before they announced they were getting married. The aunt and sister do not have a significant other. Should we still give them the option to bring a plus one? 

banana468

knottieffd308519aec5b27 said:

I understand everyone's position. The reason I asked this question was because the aunt had told us none of them were going to bring dates (whether they were in a relationship or not) which included the cousin who is getting married. The aunt said she was not even sure they could come because they are not sure they can afford the trip so my future mother-in-law offered to pay for the three of them to come. None of us knew the cousin was getting married and if my future mother-in-law has to pay for the three of them to come that would also mean she has to pay for the husband. So I was not sure if I should still give her the option to bring her husband since we were previously told she was not going to bring her boyfriend who will be her husband at the time of our wedding.  

Let this be a lesson to you:

1) Don't let any mom speak for what her grown children will or will not do.  

2) That H should have been on you guest list back when he was a boyfriend. 

knottieffd308519aec5b27

The other problem is that I do not know his name nor do I know how he likes to be addressed because he is currently in the processing of transitioning from a female to a male. So on the invitations to them I am guessing it would just be Mr. and Mrs. Smith

MyNameIsNot

knottieffd308519aec5b27 said:

The other problem is that I do not know his name nor do I know how he likes to be addressed because he is currently in the processing of transitioning from a female to a male. So on the invitations to them I am guessing it would just be Mr. and Mrs. Smith

No. You pick up the phone and call this cousin (not her mother) and ask how she and her spouse prefer to be addressed. You also get the spouse's name then. 

ShesSoCold

knottieffd308519aec5b27 said:

The other problem is that I do not know his name nor do I know how he likes to be addressed because he is currently in the processing of transitioning from a female to a male. So on the invitations to them I am guessing it would just be Mr. and Mrs. Smith

Ask him. Ask his wife. Have your husband ask them. This isn't a reason not to invite someone.

knottieffd308519aec5b27

Totally understand that, but I have never met this side of the family and my future mother-in-law made it seem like she had spoken with her niece and sister about this before we ever ordered the save the dates. Apparently she had only spoke with her sister who said that none of them were bringing dates. If I knew they were in a committed relationship rather than I would have included him. 

knottieffd308519aec5b27

I would love to be able to speak with the cousin, but my fiance has been letting his mother handle communicating with his family. I went based on my future mother-in-law's invitation list as to who we included from his family. She never mentioned the boyfriend. Then we went to Thanksgiving dinner on Saturday and the aunt called and announced her daughter was getting married tomorrow. 

ShesSoCold

knottieffd308519aec5b27 said:

Totally understand that, but I have never met this side of the family and my future mother-in-law made it seem like she had spoken with her niece and sister about this before we ever ordered the save the dates. Apparently she had only spoke with her sister who said that none of them were bringing dates. If I knew they were in a committed relationship rather than I would have included him. 

Do you want a solution here? 

You've never met me but seem to communicate well enough. Have your fiance reach out to his cousin. This isn't rocket surgery.

Edited because I used the wrong word.

banana468

I think your H needs to make the move on this then.   It shouldn't be you.   Let him pick up the phone and say, "Congratulations!   We want to invite you and your H but I don't have your names.   Could you please let me know what his name is and if he has a preferred title?"  

knottieffd308519aec5b27

my H told me his mother was handling it and not to worry. i don't believe he has his cousin or aunt's numbers to call them either. nor has he seen them in years. his brother isn't even inviting the cousins to his wedding (brother is getting married 5 weeks after us) because they are extremely rude to the family and think my H and his brother are below them because my H works in construction and his brother works in automotive. 

ShesSoCold

knottieffd308519aec5b27 said:

my H told me his mother was handling it and not to worry. i don't believe he has his cousin or aunt's numbers to call them either. nor has he seen them in years. his brother isn't even inviting the cousins to the wedding because they are extremely rude to the family and think my H and his brother are below them because my H works in construction and his brother works in automotive. 

And look where that got you. You're both adults. Act like it. 

knottieffd308519aec5b27

There is no reason to be rude. I have asked my fiance multiple times to contact his own family instead of his mother doing it, but he still left it up to her.

banana468

knottieffd308519aec5b27 said:

There is no reason to be rude. I have asked my fiance multiple times to contact his own family instead of his mother doing it, but he still left it up to her.

I think you need to be as nice as possible but say to your H that this is falling in your lap and you need him to pick up some of the slack.  

I get it.   It's easy to think that the MIL has it all down but she doesn't in this case so he needs to call around even if it's to say, "Mom can you get me Aunt Martha's number?"   

knottieffd308519aec5b27

Okay so I believe we are definitely going to invite her husband. Do you think it is unfair not to allow the aunt or other cousin to bring a plus one since both of them are single?

banana468

knottieffd308519aec5b27 said:

Okay so I believe we are definitely going to invite her husband. Do you think it is unfair not to allow the aunt or other cousin to bring a plus one since both of them are single?

If they're really single as in no boyfriend/girlfriend/so of any time then that's fine.

Just know that anyone in any relationship needs to be invited with his/her/their SO.   

Jen4948

If you don't want to invite the husband, then the only solution is not to invite the cousin. The drawback is that you may not get many invitations yourself in the future from your FI's family because of your disrespect for the cousin's relationship.

knottieffd308519aec5b27

I have no real problem inviting the husband. My problem was more that I knew nothing of this person until after our save the dates went out and now my future MIL is saying she does not believe the other cousin is seeing anyone, but she cannot say for sure. 

charlotte989875

knottieffd308519aec5b27 said:

I have no real problem inviting the husband. My problem was more that I knew nothing of this person until after our save the dates went out and now my future MIL is saying she does not believe the other cousin is seeing anyone, but she cannot say for sure. 

Does no one have social media, emails, or cell phones? I mean I get that FMIL said she’d handle all of it, but this is your wedding. Can you Facebook the cousin and ask for her name/cell phone number/address and husbands name? Same thing with the sister? 

flantastic

charlotte989875 said:

knottieffd308519aec5b27 said:

I have no real problem inviting the husband. My problem was more that I knew nothing of this person until after our save the dates went out and now my future MIL is saying she does not believe the other cousin is seeing anyone, but she cannot say for sure. 

Does no one have social media, emails, or cell phones? I mean I get that FMIL said she’d handle all of it, but this is your wedding. Can you Facebook the cousin and ask for her name/cell phone number/address and husbands name? Same thing with the sister? 

Seriously. This seems purposely obtuse. Tell your FI he has to figure out how to get in contact with his cousins to ask them directly what they have going on. He can go through whomever he needs, even if that's a chain of mom to aunt to cousins. He can use Google. Whatever.

It sounds like you should have done as his brother did and not invited them if you both barely know them. But you sent them a save the date, so that's water under the bridge. If your FI feels like it's too much trouble to figure out how to treat these people properly as your guests, the time to say that was when you were establishing the guest list. Now they're guests, and you have to figure this out. If you're getting unreliable info from FMIL, go to the source.

We didn't invite the person that one of our guests was pretty obviously dating, because H asked her directly and she wouldn't admit to dating him. She didn't consider him a SO, so we didn't invite him. The key thing is that the guests gets to make that determination, not their mom, and not their aunt.

edit - H to FI, OP ain't married