You. Can't. Tell. Other. Adults. What. To. Do.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I do not have primary custody of his elementary school–aged son. This is our year for Christmas. (We’ve been on this schedule for three years now.) We were planning on having Christmas with his family at our house this year. However, this weekend his brother asked us which day we’d like to celebrate Christmas. Apparently he and his kids are going to the new girlfriend’s family on Christmas Day. How annoyed can I be about this, and how do I make sure that in the future she doesn’t take over the holidays again?

—In-Laws and the Holidays

ShesSoCold

"Take over the holidays"?! The fuck? Get over yourself, LW.

banana468

A: You can't.   You roll w/ the punches because that's how life works. 

That said, in an effort to be diplomatic you can nicely say next year, "Hey when we have kiddo for Christmas we would love to have everyone together.   Would it work for you to come over our house on Christmas day at say 1 o'clock?" 

You can't force people to like your plans better but you can express a desire to coordinate and see if the other adults are open to that idea.   If not, you may need to celebrate at a different time. 

mrsconn23

I find it interesting that LW is so fired up about this issue.  At some point, she was the GF in this situation.  I wonder if LW tried to dictate holiday plans before she was 'in the family' and it didn't go well?  That's not a BIL/his gf problem though.  

One part of the family having other plans does not a 'holiday takeover' make.  

banana468

Yeah - sounds like LW is getting upset at asserting her place in the family.   

LW isn't going to like the answer if she asks what that place is.   No one likes a tyrant.  

short+sassy

LW: You can't be annoyed at all.  You can't control how other people chose to spend their holidays.  And they ARE planning to spend time with you all.  Just not specifically Christmas Day.

BTW, the first three sentences (roughly half) of the letter have zero to do with your supposed problem.  Is that supposed to be some sympathy play because "OMG, H only gets his son on Christmas day every other year, so everybody else needs to bend over backwards for that."  No.  They don't.  I'm sure your stepson will like seeing his uncle and opening that present on whatever day they see each other over the holidays.

charlotte989875

You can be as annoyed as you want, but that doesn’t mean you should act on it. 

Explain that son is with you and you’d all really like to get together. If they can’t budge then make your plans, and invite whoever you want. If they can’t make it then find another time to celebrate with them. Is that ideal? No, but people (generally) do the best they can. Maybe GFs family is adamant about this particular holiday. Maybe BIL doesn’t really understand the significance to you two. Whatever. Explain and roll with whatever they decide. Don’t put your plans on hold but also don’t let this ruin your holiday.