• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Etiquette

To gift or not to gift?

My husbands cousin got married around the same time that our first baby was due. The wedding was in another state and since I was unable to fly, we were not able to make it out there. They chose their wedding date at the same time we announced we were pregnant so we all knew that DH and I would not be attending the wedding. She knows we would have come if we could have but logistically speaking, it wasn't going to work out. She did not send us an invitation. We never got a Save The Date, we never got an invite, we never heard anything else about the wedding except hearing the rest of the family talk about it. She never reached out to us to see how the pregnancy was going (Nor did I expect her to since she was busy wedding planning!) but she never even responded to me when I would text or email her to see how wedding planning was going. I'm not upset by any of that, I know that life gets in the way and you're busy and some things slip through the cracks etc etc etc. My question is this - since we were never invited to the wedding (either formally or informally in any way shape or form), should we have gotten them a wedding gift? She's family so of course we would have gotten them something if we had received an invite in the mail with their address, registry info, etc. I feel guilty about not getting them something but my husband said that even if they knew we couldn't fly, he still expected some kind of save the date and/or invite just as a nicety and so that we would know their registry situation, etc. What's the etiquette on a gift for a wedding you're not invited to?

Re: To gift or not to gift?

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    My husbands cousin got married around the same time that our first baby was due. The wedding was in another state and since I was unable to fly, we were not able to make it out there. They chose their wedding date at the same time we announced we were pregnant so we all knew that DH and I would not be attending the wedding. She knows we would have come if we could have but logistically speaking, it wasn't going to work out. She did not send us an invitation. We never got a Save The Date, we never got an invite, we never heard anything else about the wedding except hearing the rest of the family talk about it. She never reached out to us to see how the pregnancy was going (Nor did I expect her to since she was busy wedding planning!) but she never even responded to me when I would text or email her to see how wedding planning was going. I'm not upset by any of that, I know that life gets in the way and you're busy and some things slip through the cracks etc etc etc. My question is this - since we were never invited to the wedding (either formally or informally in any way shape or form), should we have gotten them a wedding gift? She's family so of course we would have gotten them something if we had received an invite in the mail with their address, registry info, etc. I feel guilty about not getting them something but my husband said that even if they knew we couldn't fly, he still expected some kind of save the date and/or invite just as a nicety and so that we would know their registry situation, etc. What's the etiquette on a gift for a wedding you're not invited to?
    I'm with your H here. I wouldn't buy a gift for an event I wasn't invited to. 

    That said, there's nothing wrong with buying a gift and if you're a nicer person than I (honestly not hard), go ahead and send them something. 

    I don't think there's a right or wrong here. It's totally up to you.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    ahoyweddingInLoveInQueenssparklepants41thisismynickname2
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    There's no etiquette here. No one is required to give gifts, and no one is required to be invited. Of course, it would have been rude for them to mail you registry info. 

    I've never sent a gift to anyone who didn't invite me to their wedding, except one cousin who JOPed and didn't invite anyone. But if you decide you want to send a gift, you're free to do so. Since it sounds like the wedding already happened and that you aren't that close, I'd probably let it go. 
    ahoyweddingMairePoppySTARMOON44
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think you're off the hook here. They never sent you any wedding info, whether it be a STD or invite. 

    ahoywedding
  • I personally feel obligated to send/bring a gift if I'm invited and going to a wedding.  But if I decline...and certainly if I'm not invited to begin with...I don't feel any compunction at all to send a gift.

    With that said, there is nothing wrong with sending a gift if you all choose to.  I received gifts from people who declined and from people who hadn't been invited.  But it sounds like you all don't want to and that's perfectly fine.  I'm sure the couple isn't expecting one.  At least they shouldn't be, lol.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • If you want to give them a gift then do so. You don’t have to be invited to send them something. But you are under no obligation to do so, even if you were invited
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    It's optional. If you want to give them a gift, by all means do so. But since you weren't invited (and I agree with the PP who suggested that they made the decision for you about whether you could attend by not inviting you), I wouldn't.
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My husbands cousin got married around the same time that our first baby was due. The wedding was in another state and since I was unable to fly, we were not able to make it out there. They chose their wedding date at the same time we announced we were pregnant so we all knew that DH and I would not be attending the wedding. She knows we would have come if we could have but logistically speaking, it wasn't going to work out. She did not send us an invitation. We never got a Save The Date, we never got an invite, we never heard anything else about the wedding except hearing the rest of the family talk about it. She never reached out to us to see how the pregnancy was going (Nor did I expect her to since she was busy wedding planning!) but she never even responded to me when I would text or email her to see how wedding planning was going. I'm not upset by any of that, I know that life gets in the way and you're busy and some things slip through the cracks etc etc etc. My question is this - since we were never invited to the wedding (either formally or informally in any way shape or form), should we have gotten them a wedding gift? She's family so of course we would have gotten them something if we had received an invite in the mail with their address, registry info, etc. I feel guilty about not getting them something but my husband said that even if they knew we couldn't fly, he still expected some kind of save the date and/or invite just as a nicety and so that we would know their registry situation, etc. What's the etiquette on a gift for a wedding you're not invited to?
    I'm confused. 
    Do you know for certain that you would have gotten an invitation regardless of pregnancy?  You were never invited even by conversation?  Did you and/or your husband speak to them directly at all about their wedding? 

    I agree that you are under NO obligation to gift them.  If you were supposed to be invited, the couple did err in not sending you an invitation.  However, playing devil's advocate, I always loathe this dilemma for any invitation I send knowing that the recipient in all probability will NOT attend the event.  Although NOT the intent whatsoever, I always feel a little gift grabby-ish sending invitations to those guests.  Now, I have had elder relatives literally DEMAND invitations to events knowing full well they cannot/will not attend, and I understand that mindset.  They are family and still desire to be included.  However, perhaps the cousins felt that IF they knew for certain you would not be attending, that sending the invitation may have felt gift grabby.
    charlotte989875
  • MobKaz said:
    My husbands cousin got married around the same time that our first baby was due. The wedding was in another state and since I was unable to fly, we were not able to make it out there. They chose their wedding date at the same time we announced we were pregnant so we all knew that DH and I would not be attending the wedding. She knows we would have come if we could have but logistically speaking, it wasn't going to work out. She did not send us an invitation. We never got a Save The Date, we never got an invite, we never heard anything else about the wedding except hearing the rest of the family talk about it. She never reached out to us to see how the pregnancy was going (Nor did I expect her to since she was busy wedding planning!) but she never even responded to me when I would text or email her to see how wedding planning was going. I'm not upset by any of that, I know that life gets in the way and you're busy and some things slip through the cracks etc etc etc. My question is this - since we were never invited to the wedding (either formally or informally in any way shape or form), should we have gotten them a wedding gift? She's family so of course we would have gotten them something if we had received an invite in the mail with their address, registry info, etc. I feel guilty about not getting them something but my husband said that even if they knew we couldn't fly, he still expected some kind of save the date and/or invite just as a nicety and so that we would know their registry situation, etc. What's the etiquette on a gift for a wedding you're not invited to?
    I'm confused. 
    Do you know for certain that you would have gotten an invitation regardless of pregnancy?  You were never invited even by conversation?  Did you and/or your husband speak to them directly at all about their wedding? 

    I agree that you are under NO obligation to gift them.  If you were supposed to be invited, the couple did err in not sending you an invitation.  However, playing devil's advocate, I always loathe this dilemma for any invitation I send knowing that the recipient in all probability will NOT attend the event.  Although NOT the intent whatsoever, I always feel a little gift grabby-ish sending invitations to those guests.  Now, I have had elder relatives literally DEMAND invitations to events knowing full well they cannot/will not attend, and I understand that mindset.  They are family and still desire to be included.  However, perhaps the cousins felt that IF they knew for certain you would not be attending, that sending the invitation may have felt gift grabby.

    If a note is included saying you recognize that they would be unlikely to attend but wanted them to know they were invited and something about looking forward to meeting the new baby would have removed the gift grabby feeling.
  • ernursej said:
    MobKaz said:
    My husbands cousin got married around the same time that our first baby was due. The wedding was in another state and since I was unable to fly, we were not able to make it out there. They chose their wedding date at the same time we announced we were pregnant so we all knew that DH and I would not be attending the wedding. She knows we would have come if we could have but logistically speaking, it wasn't going to work out. She did not send us an invitation. We never got a Save The Date, we never got an invite, we never heard anything else about the wedding except hearing the rest of the family talk about it. She never reached out to us to see how the pregnancy was going (Nor did I expect her to since she was busy wedding planning!) but she never even responded to me when I would text or email her to see how wedding planning was going. I'm not upset by any of that, I know that life gets in the way and you're busy and some things slip through the cracks etc etc etc. My question is this - since we were never invited to the wedding (either formally or informally in any way shape or form), should we have gotten them a wedding gift? She's family so of course we would have gotten them something if we had received an invite in the mail with their address, registry info, etc. I feel guilty about not getting them something but my husband said that even if they knew we couldn't fly, he still expected some kind of save the date and/or invite just as a nicety and so that we would know their registry situation, etc. What's the etiquette on a gift for a wedding you're not invited to?
    I'm confused. 
    Do you know for certain that you would have gotten an invitation regardless of pregnancy?  You were never invited even by conversation?  Did you and/or your husband speak to them directly at all about their wedding? 

    I agree that you are under NO obligation to gift them.  If you were supposed to be invited, the couple did err in not sending you an invitation.  However, playing devil's advocate, I always loathe this dilemma for any invitation I send knowing that the recipient in all probability will NOT attend the event.  Although NOT the intent whatsoever, I always feel a little gift grabby-ish sending invitations to those guests.  Now, I have had elder relatives literally DEMAND invitations to events knowing full well they cannot/will not attend, and I understand that mindset.  They are family and still desire to be included.  However, perhaps the cousins felt that IF they knew for certain you would not be attending, that sending the invitation may have felt gift grabby.

    If a note is included saying you recognize that they would be unlikely to attend but wanted them to know they were invited and something about looking forward to meeting the new baby would have removed the gift grabby feeling.
    Even without a note, it still is never gift grabby to invite someone to an event you would like them to attend!  There’s only a dilemma if you chose to create one!
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards