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Moms and Maids

MOH backed out through text

So my best friend/MOH decided to text me that she is not going to go to my wedding through text. She gave several reasons, all of which I feel she could've easily discussed with me and we could've figured something out. However, the worst part is I've known her since 6th grade, we live in the same city and we just saw each other last week. I just can't believe that she texted me it. That was so hurtful. I don't really care about the numbers regarding the wedding party, I care that my alleged best friend won't be there by my side on one of my biggest days. She doesn't get that texting it was so messed up and why it was disrespectful to do it that way.

Re: MOH backed out through text

  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    So my best friend/MOH decided to text me that she is not going to go to my wedding through text. She gave several reasons, all of which I feel she could've easily discussed with me and we could've figured something out. However, the worst part is I've known her since 6th grade, we live in the same city and we just saw each other last week. I just can't believe that she texted me it. That was so hurtful. I don't really care about the numbers regarding the wedding party, I care that my alleged best friend won't be there by my side on one of my biggest days. She doesn't get that texting it was so messed up and why it was disrespectful to do it that way.
    I know it’s disappointing, but try to look at this a different way. Is she normally flaky? Or is this new? Just because the reasons weren’t good enough for you doesn’t mean they weren’t for her. She should have called, but that’s neither here nor there now. I don’t know anything about your friendship, but I wonder if this is worth losing a friend since 6th grade? 


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    ahoywedding
  • I’m sorry this is happening and I understand why you’re upset. 

    It sounds like youre gurt and angry, and I get that. I know you didn’t really have a question in your post, but I’d encourage you to think through a few things; 1) do you two usually communicate through text? I agree this seems like a big thing to do over text but if that’s how you generally communicate, I can see why she’d do it that way. Also like PP said, maybe it was easier/easier to control her emotions this way. Doesn’t make it right but it might help explain why. 

    2) You said she had several reasons, and even though you could work it out, she clearly has “stuff” going on that must be hard for her to deal with. Try looking at whatever these reasons are from her point of view. 

    3) I know she won’t be standing up with you, but will she still be at the wedding? That’s still meaningful. Invite her to anything you want her to be involved in, and be gracious whatever she is able to do. 

    It sounds like you're more upset about the texting than about her not being in your wedding, and I get that, but take a breather and look at the whole picture. Don’t throw away a longtime friendship because she made a poor choice about the mode of communication. 
    thisismynickname2short+sassyahoywedding
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think it really sucks that she told you all of this over text. I'd be hurt too. Have you asked her why she didn't tell you this in person?

    charlotte989875
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    Ouch, I can definitely see how this would hurt and I'm sorry. 

    Other than CALL her and talk to her about it, I don't have a whole lot of advice here. I think if we knew the reasons why she backed out, or whether they're "yours" or "hers" (as in, she has another commitment that day or you've been acting like a bridezilla), I'd have more to say. 

    How did you respond to her text?
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    ahoywedding
  • PPs make good points about why she may have chosen text for communicating this.

    But, I hear ya!  I know people have different POVs on this, but I see "texting" as a very casual form of communication.  I do not use it for important, personal conversations.  I would have also felt extra hurt that this was communicated to me, via text.

    With that said, I wouldn't blow up a friendship (not saying you're doing that) over either the message or the mode of communication.  Depending on her reasons/feelings, I would try to plan a mutually good time to meet up or talk on the phone.  Not to change her mind or even talk about the wedding.  But just to make sure that she's doing okay and our friendship is okay.

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    ahoywedding
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'm sorry this happened. I would feel hurt by it too, because I also see texting as an informal means of communication.

    While I can understand why someone might choose it to deliver news that will be hurtful to the other person and avoid the emotional reaction, I believe that using text messaging to avoid emotional issues compounds the pain being delivered in the message. It creates the same feeling as saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" to someone you've just insulted.

    I would try to have a conversation with her about what's going on in her life to find out if she's having problems or if she had a problem with you, but if she responds defensively or rebuffs you when you ask for the conversation, then I think that you need to cross her off your friend list for now.
    ahoywedding
  • edited December 2018

    Levioosa: She's always been flakey, I guess I was just hoping this would be the one thing she wouldn't be flakey on :/

    charlotte: 1) no we don't, we usually only text to set up when we are going to meet up. 2) I have looked at her reasons from her view, I still think they could be addressed but that said I probably would have been disappointed but become okay that she is not coming had she talked to me about it, not texted me about it. 3) she is not coming to the wedding at all nor going to anything having to do with my wedding (bachelorette, bridal shower, etc.)

    Oh also she texted me while I was at work, which she knew I was. And her daughters were supposed to be my flower girls.

    To everyone:

    So right now she is pregnant and baby no. 3 is due in April. We live in San Diego. My wedding in is in June in Mexico, an hour and a half from San Diego. Her reasons are: don't want to have to worry about baby getting a passport (which I looked into and found solutions for) and if theres an emergency wont know where to go. I understand her concerns but she also knows both of my parents are doctors, there is a really good hospital in Ensenada and we are not that far from the border. Other people have suggested her leaving the baby in the US for the wedding (of course with family who is trusted). But in the end it doesn't matter if I try and help because once she has made her mind up that's that. Also of course I would be disappointed that she is not going to my wedding because of the baby, but I would get over it. The main issue is that she thought it was okay to text me something that she knew was so important to me.

    I understand saying I shouldn't throw years of friendship away, because honestly I don't want to. But we haven't talked since and I'm not sure what to say besides you really hurt me by sending that through text. Also FYI I texted her how much it hurt me to send that through text and she responded  "I'm sorry you feel that way" (irony Jen4948).  I am the one who always approaches after we fight apologizing first and trying to make it better and with this idk if I want to or can b/c as I mentioned I am not sure what else to say and unless she actually recognizes how hurtful it was to tell me that way through text I am not sure I want to be friends with someone like that. I normally agree with call or text but at this point I'm at a loss of what to say besides what I've already told you all.

  • edited December 2018

    Levioosa: She's always been flakey, I guess I was just hoping this would be the one thing she wouldn't be flakey on :/

    charlotte: 1) no we don't, we usually only text to set up when we are going to meet up. 2) I have looked at her reasons from her view, I still think they could be addressed but that said I probably would have been disappointed but become okay that she is not coming had she talked to me about it, not texted me about it. 3) she is not coming to the wedding at all nor going to anything having to do with my wedding (bachelorette, bridal shower, etc.)

    Oh also she texted me while I was at work, which she knew I was. And her daughters were supposed to be my flower girls.

    To everyone:

    So right now she is pregnant and baby no. 3 is due in April. We live in San Diego. My wedding in is in June in Mexico, an hour and a half from San Diego. Her reasons are: don't want to have to worry about baby getting a passport (which I looked into and found solutions for) and if theres an emergency wont know where to go. I understand her concerns but she also knows both of my parents are doctors, there is a really good hospital in Ensenada and we are not that far from the border. Other people have suggested her leaving the baby in the US for the wedding (of course with family who is trusted). But in the end it doesn't matter if I try and help because once she has made her mind up that's that. Also of course I would be disappointed that she is not going to my wedding because of the baby, but I would get over it. The main issue is that she thought it was okay to text me something that she knew was so important to me.

    I understand saying I shouldn't throw years of friendship away, because honestly I don't want to. But we haven't talked since and I'm not sure what to say besides you really hurt me by sending that through text. Also FYI I texted her how much it hurt me to send that through text and she responded  "I'm sorry you feel that way" (irony Jen4948).  I am the one who always approaches after we fight apologizing first and trying to make it better and with this idk if I want to or can b/c as I mentioned I am not sure what else to say and unless she actually recognizes how hurtful it was to tell me that way through text I am not sure I want to be friends with someone like that. I normally agree with call or text but at this point I'm at a loss of what to say besides what I've already told you all.

    So I agree she should have called or told you in person. And I’d be hurt too, but if that’s really all you’re upset about I think you reaction is a little much. She told you, well before the wedding. 


    However, IMO her concerns are legitimate, but also not for you to solve. Even though it’s only an hour and a half away, it’s still traveling to another country with a child who is somewhere between 6-9 weeks old and she will be recovering from the birth. And while there may be a hospital there, her doctors are not and it’s not likely her insurance would cover any care that is needed there for her or her child. 

    It’s a little crazy to think that she would be willing to leave her newborn in another country at that age, I don’t know many people that would. 

    I think if you do want to maintain this friendship that you two meet up and resolve this. Your friend is pregnant and you’re having a destination wedding just a few weeks after she’s due to give birth. That sucks, but it happens, and it seems a shame to let that ruin your friendship. 
    InLoveInQueenslevioosaSTARMOON44ahoywedding
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2018
    Okay so knowing her reasons, I'm less upset at her. Yes, the texting thing was wrong and inappropriate but I think expecting someone to take their newborn out of the country is also wrong and inappropriate. It doesn't matter how far away it is or who will also be there or any of that. They don't want to take their 6 week old to Mexico (I wouldn't either) and in addition to the logistical issues PPs mentioned, they're just not comfortable with it. You don't get to judge that. I also think it's a little nutty to expect parents to leave their brand new baby alone so they can go on your vacation.

    You should have known that people would decline when you planned a destination wedding. That's part of a DW and I don't think you're justified in being upset at her here. You planned a DW six weeks after your best friend's due date. Not her problem. 

    Also, please tell me this is an actual wedding in Mexico. Not a "symbolic" ceremony or any of that nonsense but an actual, legal wedding. Because if not, and you're expecting someone to take their newborn child to another country to watch you put on a wedding skit, your priorities are pretty messed up.
    Nor would I.  And leaving an 8 week old for how long?  What if mom is nursing?  She will be spending the majority of the time pumping and figuring out a way to save, store, and safely transport the breast milk back.  What about the other 2 children? 

    Bets, anyone?  What are the odds that this is not only a destination event and NOT a wedding, but friend discovered this fact?  I would not trust myself to speak in person to someone I've known since the 6th grade if I found out they lied to me about something this important and expensive!
    knottiec6115473b9f4814f, Is this where you finally chose to have your honeymoon?  I would love to know whether your friend discovered that she is attending your honeymoon and not your wedding event?  With two children, and a third literally being newborn, I would be more than upset if I discovered that a friend of YEARS  duped me in such a deliberate and hurtful manner. Disrespectful would not even begin to describe it.  Silence speaks volumes.

    MairePoppyInLoveInQueensShesSoCold
  • edited December 2018
    First, I do appreciate the helpful advice that is here and some of the opinions. Some of you said some things that I didn't think of and I appreciate that, especially since some of you said it nicely and not rudely. Second I don't expect her to leave her child, and maybe I didn't make that clear. By discuss, I just mean usually when there is a problem or something two people talk it out, thats it. I think I was just really hurt that she texted it rather than told me. Maybe some of you wouldn't feel the same, but I am entitled to feel that and just wanted to express it and I thought here would be okay.  But lastly, to those who think otherwise, this is an ACTUAL wedding not a honeymoon or destination event and I would never dupe people. I am not sure if y'all have had someone do that to you, and if they have that is messed up, but that is definitely not the situation here so please don't act like it is. Those who have helped with your input, thank you, I really do appreciate it. 
  • banana468 said:
    First, I do appreciate the helpful advice that is here and some of the opinions. Some of you said some things that I didn't think of and I appreciate that, especially since some of you said it nicely and not rudely. Second I don't expect her to leave her child, and maybe I didn't make that clear. By discuss, I just mean usually when there is a problem or something two people talk it out, thats it. I think I was just really hurt that she texted it rather than told me. Maybe some of you wouldn't feel the same, but I am entitled to feel that and just wanted to express it and I thought here would be okay.  But lastly, to those who think otherwise, this is an ACTUAL wedding not a honeymoon or destination event and I would never dupe people. I am not sure if y'all have had someone do that to you, and if they have that is messed up, but that is definitely not the situation here so please don't act like it is. Those who have helped with your input, thank you, I really do appreciate it. 
    I also wanted to add - you seem slightly like me in that before I had kids I thought that it made sense to think that you had the bases covered for other parents.

    The reality is that those decisions get to be made by parents.   That can mean that if their kid has allergies they may just not go to your house or they're not going to travel to your wedding. 

    You can always say, "Is there anything that we can do that might make this easier or that could help change your mind?" but the reality is that parenting means that you're going to make the decisions for your child and you don't have to ask other people if your choice is right.

    You can be super sad about all of this but I think you need to cut this mom some slack and acknowledge that you are indeed asking a lot for a day.   And that doesn't mean that you aren't loved by this person.   It just means that she's made a decision about what makes the greatest sense for her family and that means she is sad to let you down.

    Remember - your wedding is some event ideally at the early to middle portion of your life.   Things shouldn't end that day.   They START that day.   So PLEASE keep that fresh in mind rather than looking at her inability to attend as not making something that seems like it's a final life moment. 
    I think this is a really kind and considerate response Banana, both for parents and for non-parents. I’m not a parent, but I see a lot of the choices my sister makes as a first-time parent. She (and her H) get to decide what is right for them. It might not be what I’d do, it might not be what they’d do in another context/situation/particular set of circumstances, but when it comes down to it their job is to make the best decisions they can for their child with what they have in front of them. And OP that’s what your friend is doing as well. 


    ahoywedding
  • banana468 said:
    First, I do appreciate the helpful advice that is here and some of the opinions. Some of you said some things that I didn't think of and I appreciate that, especially since some of you said it nicely and not rudely. Second I don't expect her to leave her child, and maybe I didn't make that clear. By discuss, I just mean usually when there is a problem or something two people talk it out, thats it. I think I was just really hurt that she texted it rather than told me. Maybe some of you wouldn't feel the same, but I am entitled to feel that and just wanted to express it and I thought here would be okay.  But lastly, to those who think otherwise, this is an ACTUAL wedding not a honeymoon or destination event and I would never dupe people. I am not sure if y'all have had someone do that to you, and if they have that is messed up, but that is definitely not the situation here so please don't act like it is. Those who have helped with your input, thank you, I really do appreciate it. 
    I also wanted to add - you seem slightly like me in that before I had kids I thought that it made sense to think that you had the bases covered for other parents.

    The reality is that those decisions get to be made by parents.   That can mean that if their kid has allergies they may just not go to your house or they're not going to travel to your wedding. 

    You can always say, "Is there anything that we can do that might make this easier or that could help change your mind?" but the reality is that parenting means that you're going to make the decisions for your child and you don't have to ask other people if your choice is right.

    You can be super sad about all of this but I think you need to cut this mom some slack and acknowledge that you are indeed asking a lot for a day.   And that doesn't mean that you aren't loved by this person.   It just means that she's made a decision about what makes the greatest sense for her family and that means she is sad to let you down.

    Remember - your wedding is some event ideally at the early to middle portion of your life.   Things shouldn't end that day.   They START that day.   So PLEASE keep that fresh in mind rather than looking at her inability to attend as not making something that seems like it's a final life moment. 
    I think this is a really kind and considerate response Banana, both for parents and for non-parents. I’m not a parent, but I see a lot of the choices my sister makes as a first-time parent. She (and her H) get to decide what is right for them. It might not be what I’d do, it might not be what they’d do in another context/situation/particular set of circumstances, but when it comes down to it their job is to make the best decisions they can for their child with what they have in front of them. And OP that’s what your friend is doing as well. 


    I agree with these two posters. 

    As a parent who is very pro traveling with children and took a six-hour, one-way road trip with my 2.5 week old, I don't know that I'd take that young of an infant to Mexico. Maybe, maybe not. But there is absolutely no way I would leave a six-week old child for even one night, much less a week, for a wedding out of the country, and I don't know any parents that would. 

    Also, it may not be physically possible for them to bring the baby even if they wanted to. It takes a few weeks to get the birth certificate and a few weeks to get the passport. Maybe if they are super on top of things and expedite everything (which comes with additional cost) and get everything ordered as soon as possible. But if they wait even a week to order the birth certificate or there are any holidays in there or it just takes on the long end of the projected time frame to get those documents, they very well may not have the passport in time. 

  • banana468 said:
    First, I do appreciate the helpful advice that is here and some of the opinions. Some of you said some things that I didn't think of and I appreciate that, especially since some of you said it nicely and not rudely. Second I don't expect her to leave her child, and maybe I didn't make that clear. By discuss, I just mean usually when there is a problem or something two people talk it out, thats it. I think I was just really hurt that she texted it rather than told me. Maybe some of you wouldn't feel the same, but I am entitled to feel that and just wanted to express it and I thought here would be okay.  But lastly, to those who think otherwise, this is an ACTUAL wedding not a honeymoon or destination event and I would never dupe people. I am not sure if y'all have had someone do that to you, and if they have that is messed up, but that is definitely not the situation here so please don't act like it is. Those who have helped with your input, thank you, I really do appreciate it. 
    I also wanted to add - you seem slightly like me in that before I had kids I thought that it made sense to think that you had the bases covered for other parents.

    The reality is that those decisions get to be made by parents.   That can mean that if their kid has allergies they may just not go to your house or they're not going to travel to your wedding. 

    You can always say, "Is there anything that we can do that might make this easier or that could help change your mind?" but the reality is that parenting means that you're going to make the decisions for your child and you don't have to ask other people if your choice is right.

    You can be super sad about all of this but I think you need to cut this mom some slack and acknowledge that you are indeed asking a lot for a day.   And that doesn't mean that you aren't loved by this person.   It just means that she's made a decision about what makes the greatest sense for her family and that means she is sad to let you down.

    Remember - your wedding is some event ideally at the early to middle portion of your life.   Things shouldn't end that day.   They START that day.   So PLEASE keep that fresh in mind rather than looking at her inability to attend as not making something that seems like it's a final life moment. 
    I think this is a really kind and considerate response Banana, both for parents and for non-parents. I’m not a parent, but I see a lot of the choices my sister makes as a first-time parent. She (and her H) get to decide what is right for them. It might not be what I’d do, it might not be what they’d do in another context/situation/particular set of circumstances, but when it comes down to it their job is to make the best decisions they can for their child with what they have in front of them. And OP that’s what your friend is doing as well. 


    I agree with these two posters. 

    As a parent who is very pro traveling with children and took a six-hour, one-way road trip with my 2.5 week old, I don't know that I'd take that young of an infant to Mexico. Maybe, maybe not. But there is absolutely no way I would leave a six-week old child for even one night, much less a week, for a wedding out of the country, and I don't know any parents that would. 

    Also, it may not be physically possible for them to bring the baby even if they wanted to. It takes a few weeks to get the birth certificate and a few weeks to get the passport. Maybe if they are super on top of things and expedite everything (which comes with additional cost) and get everything ordered as soon as possible. But if they wait even a week to order the birth certificate or there are any holidays in there or it just takes on the long end of the projected time frame to get those documents, they very well may not have the passport in time. 
    Agree with all of this. I'm due in June, and my husband's cousin is getting married in July. We're not sure what we're going to do, and she's been a little bit salty about us not knowing. But the wedding is 3 hours away, we'll have  one month old, and all the family we know in the area will also be at the wedding. 

    The communication method your friend chose could maybe have been better, but I also see how she wasn't in a position to change her mind or be convinced otherwise. 
    MairePoppy
  • IMO - her reasons are entirely valid and she should have told you in person...  What I'd do is set up a lunch and ask if she'd be interested in still being your MOH but virtually!  She may still be physically recovering after having the baby at that point and the idea of traveling that far away from her NB (especially if she decides to latch or pump), NSJS...  I don't think this was meant as a "friendship ending move" I think it was an entirely practical logistical one with a craptastic delivery even though easier for her.  I'd arrange flowers to be delivered to her place and if she'd be interested in connecting virtually on Zoom or Facetime, etc. to "be there" and still be a part of your day (and not require her to get a dress, etc.)..  
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    short+sassy
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