Y'all are in each other's pockets way too much.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My boyfriend of three years and I broke up five months ago because he wanted to open up our relationship. I wanted to too, but he didn’t communicate his desires clearly. In retrospect I think he was afraid of how I would react and didn’t ask for what he wanted. We’ve met up after the breakup, both professed our love for each other, and agreed we should take some space and time to think about what we want. I’ve reached out to him recently about reconciling, and he was sort-of positive but hung up on what our friends will think.

We have several mutual friends who have supported us both post-breakup and have said to one or both of us that getting back together would be a bad idea. One of my very close friends even told me she’d be furious if we got back together. I’m of the mind that no one outside a relationship really knows what the inside of the relationship is like and shouldn’t judge what two people decide. On the other hand, we’ve put them through a lot, and they could resent us for putting them through that for nothing. What’s your take on this? I can’t imagine not having him back in my life, but I don’t want to lose any friends over this. I can explain myself to them, but what would I say?

—Torn

short+sassy

...but the break-up was so hard on our friends...what if we broke up again? the poor friends...we want to be together but, but our friends might be mad at us...

This whole letter is so bizarre, lol.  I'm not sure if this couple has a lot of nosy friends who need to STFU and MYOB.

Or if this couple has such an inflated idea of themselves that they actually think their breakup...or a potential future one...was "so devastating" to their friends.  I suspect it is most/all this reason!

Either way.  The LW is ridiculous to give up on a relationship with a person they "can't imagine not having him back in their life" because one or more friends might disapprove.

Ro041

"we’ve put them through a lot, and they could resent us for putting them through that for nothing.".....what the hell did you do to these poor people?

banana468

This seems like the couple is too young to understand that you don't tell all your friends about the inner workings of your relationship.   It's not smart and comes back to bite you if you decide to do something with your partner or former partner.

LW, what do YOU want to do? 

mrsconn23

I'm so glad I was never part of a friend group that had a high-stakes central couple.  It sounds exhausting.    

But anyway if LW was smart and not AW/drama-llama, then they would have learned that they don't need to put their relationship bullshit out there.  Just fuck on the DL until you figure out your status again.  

levioosa

Ro041 said:

"we’ve put them through a lot, and they could resent us for putting them through that for nothing.".....what the hell did you do to these poor people?

I mean, this does remind me of FBIL and his ex (who I am still friends with). There’s been a stolen car, DUI, open fights...drama...it’s been a lot. And they have had an off again on again relationship over a period of six years. I just roll my eyes and say they’re adults, but the reality is they are toxic to each other and when they get back together after moaning and groaning about all of the shit they’ve put each other through it is a little exhausting, even when I separate myself as far as possible from the situation. So, from my end it wouldn’t be “devastating” if they got back together (I’m not 15), but it is annoying. Every time I hear the “we’re over for good!” And then they get back together my eyes roll so far up I’m afraid they’ll get stuck. And that would make me resentful. 

ShesSoCold

So, this is why you don't involve outside parties in your bullshit. You forgive and forget and they don't. And LW doesn't get to pull the "you don't get an opinion here" card because they involved the friends. But since LW and the BF and group of friends are clearly 12, this is NBD. Dump the guy, keep your friends and maybe someone in homeroom will ask you to the dance.

Ro041

@levioosa that would irritate me too.

kerbohl

All I'm thinking about is Friends and Ross and Rachel.  

VarunaTT

So, as a friend who is totally going through this nonsense with another friend:

I'm going to judge the shit out of you, so go ahead and accept that.  Also, you're my friend so unless it's actually a dangerous toxic decision, I'm keeping my mouth shut and supporting you in what you want.

Thankfully, my friend is pretty similar to me and has even said, "I know you're judging the shit out of me right now," and we can laugh about it.  And I remind myself that even though I know X, I don't know A-W, or Y, and Z and unless I think she's actually in danger, I'm there for support.

banana468

VarunaTT said:

So, as a friend who is totally going through this nonsense with another friend:

I'm going to judge the shit out of you, so go ahead and accept that.  Also, you're my friend so unless it's actually a dangerous toxic decision, I'm keeping my mouth shut and supporting you in what you want.

Thankfully, my friend is pretty similar to me and has even said, "I know you're judging the shit out of me right now," and we can laugh about it.  And I remind myself that even though I know X, I don't know A-W, or Y, and Z and unless I think she's actually in danger, I'm there for support.

That also makes sense.

What I don't get is that at my age I just don't share the most inner dealings of my relationship with my spouse with my friends and they don't with me so there isn't a judgement to make.   LW is making it sound like there's a full circle of friends involved in their relationship and I'd caution anyone to allow so many private details to be out in the open unless you want your private life to be open for public discussion.

short+sassy

banana468 said:

VarunaTT said:

So, as a friend who is totally going through this nonsense with another friend:

I'm going to judge the shit out of you, so go ahead and accept that.  Also, you're my friend so unless it's actually a dangerous toxic decision, I'm keeping my mouth shut and supporting you in what you want.

Thankfully, my friend is pretty similar to me and has even said, "I know you're judging the shit out of me right now," and we can laugh about it.  And I remind myself that even though I know X, I don't know A-W, or Y, and Z and unless I think she's actually in danger, I'm there for support.

That also makes sense.

What I don't get is that at my age I just don't share the most inner dealings of my relationship with my spouse with my friends and they don't with me so there isn't a judgement to make.   LW is making it sound like there's a full circle of friends involved in their relationship and I'd caution anyone to allow so many private details to be out in the open unless you want your private life to be open for public discussion.

And this goes triple for couples who air their greviances/fights with each other on FB, lol. 

ShesSoCold

short+sassy said:

banana468 said:

VarunaTT said:

So, as a friend who is totally going through this nonsense with another friend:

I'm going to judge the shit out of you, so go ahead and accept that.  Also, you're my friend so unless it's actually a dangerous toxic decision, I'm keeping my mouth shut and supporting you in what you want.

Thankfully, my friend is pretty similar to me and has even said, "I know you're judging the shit out of me right now," and we can laugh about it.  And I remind myself that even though I know X, I don't know A-W, or Y, and Z and unless I think she's actually in danger, I'm there for support.

That also makes sense.

What I don't get is that at my age I just don't share the most inner dealings of my relationship with my spouse with my friends and they don't with me so there isn't a judgement to make.   LW is making it sound like there's a full circle of friends involved in their relationship and I'd caution anyone to allow so many private details to be out in the open unless you want your private life to be open for public discussion.

And this goes triple for couples who air their greviances/fights with each other on FB, lol. 

No those people are the best. I love drama when I'm completely uninvolved and just get to watch from the sidelines. 

climbingsingle

What did they do to so many friends?!?!?

mrsconn23

kerbohl said:

All I'm thinking about is Friends and Ross and Rachel.  

VarunaTT

banana468 said:

VarunaTT said:

So, as a friend who is totally going through this nonsense with another friend:

I'm going to judge the shit out of you, so go ahead and accept that.  Also, you're my friend so unless it's actually a dangerous toxic decision, I'm keeping my mouth shut and supporting you in what you want.

Thankfully, my friend is pretty similar to me and has even said, "I know you're judging the shit out of me right now," and we can laugh about it.  And I remind myself that even though I know X, I don't know A-W, or Y, and Z and unless I think she's actually in danger, I'm there for support.

That also makes sense.

What I don't get is that at my age I just don't share the most inner dealings of my relationship with my spouse with my friends and they don't with me so there isn't a judgement to make.   LW is making it sound like there's a full circle of friends involved in their relationship and I'd caution anyone to allow so many private details to be out in the open unless you want your private life to be open for public discussion.

That's true too. I think "friends" in this situation is basically me...and maybe one other person?  She and I are pretty close and have been for a long time and have the friendship "vault."  Also, this is BF.  I would expect a difference (and actually, come to think of it, there was a difference with her) in a spouse.

ei34

I hate when a friend unloads a bunch of heavy stuff on me about their relationship during a catch up/wine session.  Only for things to be better between them a week later.  I’m not in your relationship so I don’t witness the great parts first hand, and no one really gushes on and on when things are great.  And then I’m left wondering if things are actually okay.  I’ll admit it happens less frequently than it once did (my friends are in their mid-30s for the most part) but it’s annoying. Not “put through a lot” but annoying.

charlotte989875

mrsconn23 said:

I'm so glad I was never part of a friend group that had a high-stakes central couple.  It sounds exhausting.    

But anyway if LW was smart and not AW/drama-llama, then they would have learned that they don't need to put their relationship bullshit out there.  Just fuck on the DL until you figure out your status again.  

Like everyone else. 

charlotte989875

eileenrob said:

I hate when a friend unloads a bunch of heavy stuff on me about their relationship during a catch up/wine session.  Only for things to be better between them a week later.  I’m not in your relationship so I don’t witness the great parts first hand, and no one really gushes on and on when things are great.  And then I’m left wondering if things are actually okay.  I’ll admit it happens less frequently than it once did (my friends are in their mid-30s for the most part) but it’s annoying. Not “put through a lot” but annoying.

Yeah, I actually think there’s a line between needing to vent or work something out about your relationship with your ladies during wine & whatever the hell LW is doing. 

A good friend of mine & I caught up last night and she needed to vent about her husband. She has 7 month old twins who she’s home with all day, everyday. Her husband is the sole income & he works ALL THE TIME because he owns his business. She’s stressed & tired and he comes home late. So she needed to vent.

I do think having someone to talk things out with is super important, but also there’s a line between that and getting people involved with your private relationship drama and it sounds like LW doesn’t know the difference. 

ShesSoCold

When I was 17, my first boyfriend, let's call him Dan, and I broke up but then were just friends. He was my best friend. 2 years later, I started messing around with another friend in our group that had been a good friend of Dan's for years. 

Dan told us he wouldn't be friends with us if we dated. He didn't want to be in the middle of our unnecessarily long, drawn out, miserable breakup (very valid on his part, we'd both been with our previous partners for like a year too long).

We told him to eff himself (well, after like 6 months of pretending we weren't dating but fucking on the DL). Didn't talk to him for like 4-5 years. He came back around when we got engaged and he was actually only one of two non-family members invited to our wedding. 

Even at 19 I wasn't willing to let a friend have that big of an influence on my love life. I get that it sucks that all these friends have such a negative opinion of the relationship but I can't imagine letting those opinions have so much weight that it's the only thing holding me back from a relationship.