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Wedding Woes

It's okay to not be attracted to someone. But keep it to yourself!

This is labeled as a "Classic Prudie", but I don't remember it:

“I met a girl on an online dating website, and we started chatting online and eventually on the phone. She was smart and funny, and we connected really well. She expressed apprehension that I might not like her when I saw her. When we met for dinner, I saw that she was overweight. However, our first date went well. We’ve been on three dates now, and she’s a marvelous human being: caring, sweet, and smart. I know that just by asking you this question I come off as a really shallow person, but I can’t seem to find the physical attraction. There is this voice in my head that tells me to appreciate the physical side of her, too, but I can’t do that. Should I discuss this with her?

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Re: It's okay to not be attracted to someone. But keep it to yourself!

  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    member
    edited January 3
    You can’t force physical attraction.  I think LW gave it enough time to feel it out but should end it before they get to involved if LW doesn’t see it going anywhere.  Like the title says:  keep the reason to yourself and break it off gently. 
    eta: but was it a compelte blind date or were her pictures up? 

  • Not necessarily in regards to weight, but I've been on both sides of this coin.  I think most people have.  It's NBD.  People have different types.  Sometimes there is no explanation for why I'm attracted to this guy and not that one.

    For some reason I was thinking they'd only been on one date.  But it looks like they've been on three.  That changes my tactic a little bit.

    Back in my single days, if it had just been one date and the man contacted me again, I would typically e-mail/text back with something like, "I really enjoyed meeting you.  But I just didn't feel we have the right connection.  Good luck with your search."

    If it had been three dates, I would still try to more fade away.  But if I felt like the person was owed more of a conversation.  And/or if they kept asking me out.  I'd have a similar conversation, but with (perhaps) a few more details.  As in, "I really like ABC about you.  But I'm looking for a longer-term relationship and I just don't see that happening between us."

    However, something I NEVER did and was a pet peeve of mine, was ghost someone.  Maybe not necessarily after a date or two, but it is flat out cowardly and sh***y behavior to do to someone.

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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    mod
    So this is awkward. LW shouldn't feel bad. You're not going to be attracted to everyone. But I think the issue is the conversation, and especially since it sounds like they connected for a while before they met in person. I don't think he should say that she's too big for his preferences, but IDK what he should say, ya know? I guess something like, "I'm sorry that I don't feel the same spark in person as I thought I would"? I don't know what he should say so she doesn't hear, "I don't want to date you because you're fat." 

    And yes, ghosting would be super shitty. I ghosted a guy once but I'd tried to break up with him before but he was really drunk and mean so even dumbshit 17 year old me was smart enough to not go back to his house.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    short+sassycharlotte989875
  • So this is awkward. LW shouldn't feel bad. You're not going to be attracted to everyone. But I think the issue is the conversation, and especially since it sounds like they connected for a while before they met in person. I don't think he should say that she's too big for his preferences, but IDK what he should say, ya know? I guess something like, "I'm sorry that I don't feel the same spark in person as I thought I would"? I don't know what he should say so she doesn't hear, "I don't want to date you because you're fat." 

    And yes, ghosting would be super shitty. I ghosted a guy once but I'd tried to break up with him before but he was really drunk and mean so even dumbshit 17 year old me was smart enough to not go back to his house.

    Oh for sure!  There were a couple guys I remember who I finally stopped replying back to at all.  But that was because they were creepers that I had already told, multiple times, that I was not interested in them and would no longer communicate with them.

    He definitely shouldn't say he's not attracted to her because she's overweight.  Because, unfortunately, "weight" is a major stigma in our society.  Especially for women.  But I think it's fine to say "he's not feeling the connection he thought he would" or "the spark".  Depending on her personality, she very well might hear "he doesn't want to date me because I'm fat", no matter what he says.  But that's her issue.  And doesn't change the fact that he needs to bow out now, because he's just not feeling it.

    I'm a plus-sized gal, myself.  I wouldn't want someone to date because they liked my personality, but weren't attracted to me.  Would my size decrease the number of full pages in my dance card, if I were single?  It probably would.  But there are plenty of men out there whose attraction isn't tied to weight.  Along with guys who prefer that.

    What I always like to stress to people is that there are different types for everyone.  And sometimes, like the guy in this letter, people feel "guilty" because they like someone's personality, but aren't attracted to them.  But that's fine and normal.  Let goooo of the guilt. 

    Although I wasn't plus-sized when I was younger, I don't even have the right body type to have ever been a skinny-Minnie.  Even at a size 3, I was all boobs and hips.  I'd be blunt with guys about that, before I met them.  My "line" went something like this, "Look.  I'm 5'0".  If you're looking for the tall, leggy, athletic type, that's great!  I don't blame ya.  But that's not me.  That will never be me.  But if you're looking for the kind of girl described in the song Brickhouse.  Here I am (haha)."

    I occasionally had guys be honest with me and tell me they were looking for a taller or thinner woman.  Awesome!  No harm, no foul.  That was exactly the door I was opening for guys to weed themselves out, without judgment.  We both saved time.  And for guys who appreciated curves, it usually piqued their interest further.  Win-win.

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