You are not your mother and your son is not you.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I was an “extremely gifted child” growing up, with the emphasis on “gifted” rather than “child.” My mother pulled me out of school and set me up with personal tutors. Mathematical mistakes were sins. Wanting to go outside and play was sacrilegious. At 17, I sneaked out after curfew to go bowling with my crush and his friends. My mother called the cops and threatened his parents with a lawyer if he ever came near me again. I cut ties with her in college. I failed to finish, failed to prove my “worth to mankind,” and told her to burn in hell. I got married, and my mother called to say she wished she hadn’t “invested” so much in me.

I have a good marriage, two lovely boys, and went back to school for my master’s degree. My younger son has demonstrated considerable intelligence. His school is talking about skipping grades or taking extra classes. I have been having nightmares about my own childhood. I am paralyzed. My husband argues that we owe our son the best chance possible. I don’t know how to do that.

—Gifted, Troubled, and Anxious

charlotte989875

Sit down and talk with his school (teachers, counselors, whoever is making the recommendations) about why they’re recommending this, and your concerns for him. But also talk to your son. Does he enjoy school? Keep talking to him. If he isn’t enjoying the extra work/classes, don’t push him. Make sure his time is balanced with school and fun. 

But the the fact that you’re concerned means you’re not going to do what your mother did. 

Casadena

I agree with Charlotte- the fact that LW is taking the time to question what is best and why makes her far more rational than her own mother in my opinion.  I know there's a lot of opinions about skipping grades, etc and I think sitting down with the school about specifically WHY they are recommending this. 

The kids ages weren't mentioned but I think that might affect my decision a little bit too.

ShesSoCold

charlotte989875 said:

Sit down and talk with his school (teachers, counselors, whoever is making the recommendations) about why they’re recommending this, and your concerns for him. But also talk to your son. Does he enjoy school? Keep talking to him. If he isn’t enjoying the extra work/classes, don’t push him. Make sure his time is balanced with school and fun. 

But the the fact that you’re concerned means you’re not going to do what your mother did. 

Yes! This! Speak! Talk to your son! 

short+sassy

I think the LW should see a therapist because she describes her feelings as "paralyzing".  Some professional guidance on separating her own negative feelings about her childhood from how she raises her own child could be enlightening and helpful.

I can really understand her concern.  I'm sure it can be a fine line.  You don't want a child to be so gifted that they get bored and unmotivated with only their typical classes.  But, at the same time, you don't want to go overboard with so much stuff to challenge and engage them, that it causes stress and anxiety for the child.

I'm hardly an expert and not even a parent, but I've always been uncomfortable with the idea of children skipping grades.  It's not just educational subjects we learn in school.  That's also where we learn to socialize and interact with our peers.  If a child is put in a grade where everyone else is 1-2 yeas older than them, they're put in a position where they might be able to keep up academically, but probably not physically or in social situations.  Which can have stigmas that last a lifetime.

Casadena

At the same time - there are totally kids who would do better with more mature or socially advanced kids.  I agree it's a fine line, but there are definitely kids who would be SO much better off both academically and otherwise in a more advanced environment.  Not all, probably not even most - but that's why I think it's should be a pretty big discussions with teachers about WHY.  Also, depending on date cutoffs, it's possible for kids to be in the same grade with kids that are 1-2 years older/younger than them anyway!   

Totally agree with SS though that therapy or counseling for the mom might be a good way for her to come to terms with her own feelings about the situation.

banana468

This is why counselors exist.   Talk to them so you can have a PLAN.   

short+sassy

Casadena said:

At the same time - there are totally kids who would do better with more mature or socially advanced kids.  I agree it's a fine line, but there are definitely kids who would be SO much better off both academically and otherwise in a more advanced environment.  Not all, probably not even most - but that's why I think it's should be a pretty big discussions with teachers about WHY.  Also, depending on date cutoffs, it's possible for kids to be in the same grade with kids that are 1-2 years older/younger than them anyway!   

Totally agree with SS though that therapy or counseling for the mom might be a good way for her to come to terms with her own feelings about the situation.

Hahaha, that's part of where my comment came from.  My birthday is in Nov. and I made the cut-off by less than two weeks.  Most people in my class were a good 6 months to a year older than me.

Academically and socially, I was fine.  But physically?  It was a bad, bad scene.  I wasn't an especially athletic kid anyway, which only made how far behind I was with my peers even worse.

I'm still not athletic and hate to exercise.  I've always been that way.  Maybe I would have been like that anyway.  But I'm sure having a mindset of, "I hate sports. I'm so bad at PE," from as far back as I can remember really didn't help.  

ei34

In a lot of school districts skipping grades isn’t even recommended any more.  It’s natural to think about Present Kid but what about Future Kid?  The awkwardness of puberty, learning to drive after peers, leaving the nest and going to college at 17 instead of 18, etc.  There’s no prize for finishing childhood first.  LW could ask the school’s administrators about a G&T class or with H could research enrichment programs that son could go outside of school.  Does he love robots?  Painting? Programming?  It can’t just be my area that has lots of options (many affordable) for hobbies that are academic while fun.

And LW sounds like they had a rough upbringing in many ways, and could probably use someone to talk to about those issues as well.

Casadena

short+sassy said:

Casadena said:

At the same time - there are totally kids who would do better with more mature or socially advanced kids.  I agree it's a fine line, but there are definitely kids who would be SO much better off both academically and otherwise in a more advanced environment.  Not all, probably not even most - but that's why I think it's should be a pretty big discussions with teachers about WHY.  Also, depending on date cutoffs, it's possible for kids to be in the same grade with kids that are 1-2 years older/younger than them anyway!   

Totally agree with SS though that therapy or counseling for the mom might be a good way for her to come to terms with her own feelings about the situation.

Hahaha, that's part of where my comment came from.  My birthday is in Nov. and I made the cut-off by less than two weeks.  Most people in my class were a good 6 months to a year older than me.

Academically and socially, I was fine.  But physically?  It was a bad, bad scene.  I wasn't an especially athletic kid anyway, which only made how far behind I was with my peers even worse.

I'm still not athletic and hate to exercise.  I've always been that way.  Maybe I would have been like that anyway.  But I'm sure having a mindset of, "I hate sports. I'm so bad at PE," from as far back as I can remember really didn't help.  

That's so funny, I had almost the complete opposite experience.  I moved quite a bit growing up, and in all but 1 school I was by far the youngest person in my class.  Physically that never really bothered me I guess, in terms of keeping up.  I was never a star athlete, but fairly athletic and ok at all the sports and PE stuff I did.  Academically, I was moved ahead in math and ended up 2-3 grades ahead my peers as I moved bc of different district rules (think, 8th grader in an 11th grade geometry class so spent 1/3 of my day at the high school) and academically I was fine.  I didn't have a ton in common at that point socially with the kids that much older, but they were either nice or ignored me.  We weren't like hanging out on weekends, but it was nice to have some older friends when I actually got to high school. 

Again, I think the answer here is to really work with the counselors - as banana mentioned, that's why they exist!! 

OurWildKingdom

charlotte989875 said:

Sit down and talk with his school (teachers, counselors, whoever is making the recommendations) about why they’re recommending this, and your concerns for him. But also talk to your son. Does he enjoy school? Keep talking to him. If he isn’t enjoying the extra work/classes, don’t push him. Make sure his time is balanced with school and fun. 

But the the fact that you’re concerned means you’re not going to do what your mother did. 

This 100%.

My brother and I were both labeled as “gifted” when we were growing up.

My brother started kindergarten early, 3 months shy of his 5th birthday. Academically he was fine, but socially he struggled until about 6th or 7th grade. By the time he got to high school, he was OK but he hated being the last person in his class to get his driver’s license. 

In elementary school, I had a couple teachers who saw that I was bored in class and made arrangements with the other teachers for me to either sit in on what the older kids were doing or help with the younger kids. To this day I’m grateful to my teachers for that.

There are a lot of options here. LW needs to talk to the school and their son and see what works best.

Edited to add: LW needs therapy, big time. What they experienced growing up was abuse.

littlemushroom

I was testing post-high school in second grade.  I found out years later the school had talked to my parents about skipping a few grades but they declined. They never mentioned it to me when I was in school. I wish they had gone through with it.  By fifth grade, the teachers were giving me "special projects" to do instead of attending class.  I was so bored. 

Casadena

littlemushroom said:

I was testing post-high school in second grade.  I found out years later the school had talked to my parents about skipping a few grades but they declined. They never mentioned it to me when I was in school. I wish they had gone through with it.  By fifth grade, the teachers were giving me "special projects" to do instead of attending class.  I was so bored. 

Because I skipped ahead so far in math, I had more than enough credits to graduate at least a year early from high school but my parents were adamantly against - I wish they would have at least talked to me seriously about doing it. 

6fsn

I have a lot of thoughts on this.  I've been volunteering in our book fair and the difference between and average 1st grader and 5th grader is just so big.  Physically and socially and life experiences. 

Very, very few kids get asked to skip grades.  I have heard of it OCCASSIONALLY but in most cases the school can offer work arounds- moving into different classes for the subject, on-line programs, etc. My son's math class is primarily on-line in the classroom because they don't have a teacher certified in some of the areas. 

Shoot even 25 years ago my small school found a program to send me to the local branch for classes.  This was almost unheard of then, but is very available now. 

People are crazy around here.  We have a 9/31 cutoff, but every district around us is 9/1.  We opted to hold 6let on a 9/18 bday because he had speech delays and some other medical stuff.  I also found a study that 98% of September kids in our district went at 5 going on 6 instead of 4 going on 5.  I prepped him that he was going to be the oldest in his class, blah, blah, blah.  Nope, he's middle of the road. 

Kids were turning SEVEN in kindergarten.  Traditionally learning kids.  Parents will hold their APRIL kids because they can.  Actually, a lot of parents will send their kid to a private kindergarten then send them to public kindergarten.  My March baby is one of the youngest in her grade. 

The sports thing is also funny around here.  We don't start school sports until 7th so most kids do rec or club sports.  These all go by birth year.  6let is the youngest on his team and the only one in 4th.  It shows up sometimes in conversations he has with peers, but not often. My December baby is at a disadvantage for club sports.

ei34

The September cutoff is relatively new to me @6fsn.  In NYC the cutoff is 12/31.  So all kids born in 2014 just applied to Kindergarten. (It’s just done by birth year.) One of my sisters has a December birthday and was 17 when she went off to college, she turned 18 as her first semester ended...one of her roommates from OOS was almost 19.  They had a funny moment of “did you ever skip grades? Were you held back?”.  But no, just different states.

On the social side, a tidbit- Also in NYC, especially in districts with lots of children new to America, some of whom haven’t received formal education, it’s not uncommon to have an 8-year-Old who can’t write their name, or a 12-year-Old who can’t count.  They’re placed in 3rd and 7th grade, not PreK.  The city pours lots of money into special teachers who specialize in bringing them to an age/grade-appropriate place.  I think it’s good for kids to be around other kids close in age.

flantastic

This is my fear with DD. My parents homeschooled me so the curriculum would keep up with me. I ended up being a grade ahead of where I would otherwise have been. Because of the August cutoff here, DD will be one of the older ones for her grade. (Although now, with the kids being held - my nephew being one - maybe she won't be quite at the upper age limit.)  

We visited a preschool-only place on Sunday, and already with the preK3 stuff (the "grade" she would technically be in the fall), we were both thinking... "but what if she can already do all that?" She's obviously intelligent, and she's been doing fine socially in her daycare. DH is all "You can't skip grades because social development" and while I think he has a point, I always ask him next if he thinks I'm terribly awkward,  considering I didn't go to school with anyone beyond my siblings until high school.

The nearest grade school we're considering is small enough where they can just schedule it that everyone does math at the same time, and you attend whatever grade level you're at. Same for language arts. That makes me feel somewhat better about her not being bored, and it's a good balance with "her" class being her age.

Physically, I've always been small and didn't gain much coordination until mid-high school anyway, so I'm not sure that being in the grade with everyone else my age would have helped me athletically.

kvruns

eileenrob said:

The September cutoff is relatively new to me @6fsn.  In NYC the cutoff is 12/31.  So all kids born in 2014 just applied to Kindergarten. (It’s just done by birth year.) One of my sisters has a December birthday and was 17 when she went off to college, she turned 18 as her first semester ended...one of her roommates from OOS was almost 19.  They had a funny moment of “did you ever skip grades? Were you held back?”.  But no, just different states.
.

We had 9/30 cutoffs so I barely made it in. I was 4 when I started so always one of the youngest. That meant I was 17 in college and had to have my parents sign off on sports paperwork lol. My 2 best friends also in my grade are both an entire year older, their parents just chose to wait whereas mine had me start on the younger side. We all turned out ok