No, you're not obligated. But maybe talk to K first?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

One of my roommates, K, is several years younger than me; we have a sibling-like relationship, and she sometimes turns to me for advice or comfort. She is often brash, impolite, and self-absorbed. I don’t really let this bother me because she is young, figuring herself out, and otherwise a great kid. Recently, she got out of a terrible relationship. I’m very relieved for her, and she’s expressed an interest in finding a new, less chaotic social circle than the one belonging to her manipulative ex. We’re both gay, and I’ve recently been forming my own small circle of LGBT friends in the city. Do I have a responsibility to bring K into the fold? On the one hand, I feel responsible for modeling healthy adult friendships and helping her heal, but on the other hand, she still hasn’t outgrown her loud, offensive youth, and I’m scared she’ll embarrass me in front of my new friends. I feel like she probably can’t change unless she has a healthy environment to grow, but I’m scared of losing the tiny support system I’ve made for myself. Our apartment is too small to have many people over, so any socializing would have to be deliberate and preorganized. Help!

—Modeling Nonchaotic Friendships

charlotte989875

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Is there one (or two) friends in your circle that wouldn’t be turned off by K’s behavior? Could you start small by introducing them and see how it goes. You’re not responsible for modeling appropriate friendships and behaviors but if you like K and think they would enjoy being part of this group then start small and slow and see how it goes. 

mrsconn23

LW is in the best position to 'help' K because they are not put off by K's less savory/widely-accepted qualities, but also sees how it could be a problem for other people. 

But LW is riding on an edge of being patronizing to K, who is an adult and also, their new friends/group, for thinking they couldn't manage their own relationships with K.  I understand it's coming from a place of wanting this to go smoothly, but it may be out of LW's control for a million reasons.  

So, I think LW should gently point out to K when they do something obnoxious/rude, "Hey, I'm not mad...but you could put people off when you demand they get you a drink."  And I like the idea of introducing K to a few people in a smaller setting before bringing them to the entire group. 

VarunaTT

THIS IS NOT ME.    Y'all know I'd come here before Prudie, anyway.

I'd probably use my connections to find K their own age group.  The age difference between say 21 and 25 is only a few years, but the maturity is a wider gap.  Maybe ask LW's own friend's group if they have any suggestions.  I would not include K in my own excursions.

Also, LW needs to get over themselves a bit.  K is their roommate and an adult; whether or not LW considers them a "good" adult doesn't really matter.  LW isn't obligated to "teach" K to be a healthy friend/roommate/adult/relationship at all.  It's rather arrogant of LW to decide they could or should.  And LW should absolutely not be involved in attempting to "manage" K's behavior.  That's a really solid plan of destruction of any friendship with K.

I'm starting to feel like 90% of the world's problems could be solved with a hearty, "Mind your own damn business."

mrsconn23

VarunaTT said:

THIS IS NOT ME.    Y'all know I'd come here before Prudie, anyway.

I was thinking of you and your K the whole time I was reading this.  LOL 

OurWildKingdom

mrsconn23 said:

LW is in the best position to 'help' K because they are not put off by K's less savory/widely-accepted qualities, but also sees how it could be a problem for other people. 

But LW is riding on an edge of being patronizing to K, who is an adult and also, their new friends/group, for thinking they couldn't manage their own relationships with K.  I understand it's coming from a place of wanting this to go smoothly, but it may be out of LW's control for a million reasons.  

So, I think LW should gently point out to K when they do something obnoxious/rude, "Hey, I'm not mad...but you could put people off when you demand they get you a drink."  And I like the idea of introducing K to a few people in a smaller setting before bringing them to the entire group. 

I so agree with this.