Budget Weddings Forum

Rehearsal Options

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Re: Rehearsal Options

  • edited January 2019
    eileenrob said:
    Why not just tell your MIL that you and your FI will host the RD? 
    She is coming to visit next weekend so we are going to have to sit down and talk to her. I have gathered menus from multiple places so we can show her what we have found. 
    You’re wise to have a sit down talk with her.  In person is sometimes best, so good to wait at this point. I do stand by my original advice above, I think guys should just host your own RD.  I know your FMIL wants to host it but honestly, you’re already co-hosting.  You’re doing all of the legwork and research.  My youngest sister’s shower is in March- my mom is paying ($50pp for 40 guests, I couldn’t if I wanted to!) and I ordered invites, recipe cards, I’ll send them next month, I’ll keep track of RSVPs, seating chart, favors, decor..we’re each playing an important role, so we’re co-hosting.  You guys should put an emphasis on collaboration and co-host (financially). Or, again, just graciously thank her but host it yourselves.

    edit- TK posted before I finished my thought 
    I definitely agree that talking to her in person is the best option. She told my mother $15 per person not either one of us. She has asked about places so I think if she asks us again we can give her the info I have found and from there we can decide what we want to do. I have no problem hosting it, but we would have to adjust our budget since our budget currently does not include the rehearsal. Or if she really only wants to spend $15 a person I would no problem making up the difference as long as she agrees. I have no say over whether my fiance discusses the event with his father. If he makes that decision that is on him. To my knowledge, his father has not offered to help with anything. I also don't think his father really knows all that much about the wedding. His mother has been pretty involved unlike his father. I don't think he should ask his father to pay for it since his father didn't offer, but my fiance is his own person so I can't control what he does. His father may say no which is totally fine. I do feel though that I shouldn't have to give up wanting a sit down meal or he should have to give up wanting alcohol and if we have to pay the extra amount to get want we want that is fine by me. 
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    eileenrob said:
    Why not just tell your MIL that you and your FI will host the RD? 
    She is coming to visit next weekend so we are going to have to sit down and talk to her. I have gathered menus from multiple places so we can show her what we have found. 
    You’re wise to have a sit down talk with her.  In person is sometimes best, so good to wait at this point. I do stand by my original advice above, I think guys should just host your own RD.  I know your FMIL wants to host it but honestly, you’re already co-hosting.  You’re doing all of the legwork and research.  My youngest sister’s shower is in March- my mom is paying ($50pp for 40 guests, I couldn’t if I wanted to!) and I ordered invites, recipe cards, I’ll send them next month, I’ll keep track of RSVPs, seating chart, favors, decor..we’re each playing an important role, so we’re co-hosting.  You guys should put an emphasis on collaboration and co-host (financially). Or, again, just graciously thank her but host it yourselves.

    edit- TK posted before I finished my thought 
    I definitely agree that talking to her in person is the best option. She told my mother $15 per person not either one of us. She has asked about places so I think if she asks us again we can give her the info I have found and from there we can decide what we want to do. I have no problem hosting it, but we would have to adjust our budget since our budget currently does not include the rehearsal. Or if she really only wants to spend $15 a person I would no problem making up the difference as long as she agrees. I have no say over whether my fiance discusses the event with his father. If he makes that decision that is on him. To my knowledge, his father has not offered to help with anything. I also don't think his father really knows all that much about the wedding. His mother has been pretty involved unlike his father. I don't think he should ask his father to pay for it since his father didn't offer, but my fiance is his own person so I can't control what he does. His father may say no which is totally fine. I do feel though that I shouldn't have to give up wanting a sit down meal or he should have to give up wanting alcohol and if we have to pay the extra amount to get want we want that is fine by me. 
    I agree with the bolded. Just know that it might cause some hard feelings with MIL. Regardless of what your fiance says to her, she might hear "Your budget and your plans aren't good enough for us" and it might be difficult for her to understand. Obviously this is completely out of your control, but I'd just be really careful about your word choices.

    I actually had something similar with my own mom. She'd offered to buy my dress and had a $500 budget. Sounds great to me! We shopped and shopped and shopped and found exactly NOTHING I even remotely liked in that price range and found a couple dresses I liked that were more expensive. My mom and I were super close so I did feel comfortable telling her I'd pay the difference if I decided that I had to have one of the expensive dresses. In the end, I did find something in her budget (mostly because, per her unrelated budgeting tips, I calculated that it would cost $400/hour to wear said expensive dress and fuck that) so the point was moot but I do think she was a little hurt by it. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
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  • eileenrob said:
    Why not just tell your MIL that you and your FI will host the RD? 
    She is coming to visit next weekend so we are going to have to sit down and talk to her. I have gathered menus from multiple places so we can show her what we have found. 
    You’re wise to have a sit down talk with her.  In person is sometimes best, so good to wait at this point. I do stand by my original advice above, I think guys should just host your own RD.  I know your FMIL wants to host it but honestly, you’re already co-hosting.  You’re doing all of the legwork and research.  My youngest sister’s shower is in March- my mom is paying ($50pp for 40 guests, I couldn’t if I wanted to!) and I ordered invites, recipe cards, I’ll send them next month, I’ll keep track of RSVPs, seating chart, favors, decor..we’re each playing an important role, so we’re co-hosting.  You guys should put an emphasis on collaboration and co-host (financially). Or, again, just graciously thank her but host it yourselves.

    edit- TK posted before I finished my thought 
    I definitely agree that talking to her in person is the best option. She told my mother $15 per person not either one of us. She has asked about places so I think if she asks us again we can give her the info I have found and from there we can decide what we want to do. I have no problem hosting it, but we would have to adjust our budget since our budget currently does not include the rehearsal. Or if she really only wants to spend $15 a person I would no problem making up the difference as long as she agrees. I have no say over whether my fiance discusses the event with his father. If he makes that decision that is on him. To my knowledge, his father has not offered to help with anything. I also don't think his father really knows all that much about the wedding. His mother has been pretty involved unlike his father. I don't think he should ask his father to pay for it since his father didn't offer, but my fiance is his own person so I can't control what he does. His father may say no which is totally fine. I do feel though that I shouldn't have to give up wanting a sit down meal or he should have to give up wanting alcohol and if we have to pay the extra amount to get want we want that is fine by me. 
    I agree with the bolded. Just know that it might cause some hard feelings with MIL. Regardless of what your fiance says to her, she might hear "Your budget and your plans aren't good enough for us" and it might be difficult for her to understand. Obviously this is completely out of your control, but I'd just be really careful about your word choices.

    I actually had something similar with my own mom. She'd offered to buy my dress and had a $500 budget. Sounds great to me! We shopped and shopped and shopped and found exactly NOTHING I even remotely liked in that price range and found a couple dresses I liked that were more expensive. My mom and I were super close so I did feel comfortable telling her I'd pay the difference if I decided that I had to have one of the expensive dresses. In the end, I did find something in her budget (mostly because, per her unrelated budgeting tips, I calculated that it would cost $400/hour to wear said expensive dress and fuck that) so the point was moot but I do think she was a little hurt by it. 
    Generally his mother is pretty easy going, but we have had some issues with her with our wedding. I know she was horrified when I told her the cost of hair and makeup for my wedding was $65 for makeup and $75 for hair, but I thought those prices were rather reasonable given other quotes I was given. My bridesmaids also agreed that they were good prices. My MIL elected not to have either service which is 100% okay since they were optional. She was just shocked I'd pick something so expensive, but she is used to getting her hair done at Walmart and she gets a discount because she works at Walmart. She also gave us a list of 60 people she wanted into to our wedding and about 10 people she wanted invited to my bridal shower, but I hadn't met like 5 of those people. I don't think she knows the pricing for wedding things. 
  • eileenrob said:
    Why not just tell your MIL that you and your FI will host the RD? 
    She is coming to visit next weekend so we are going to have to sit down and talk to her. I have gathered menus from multiple places so we can show her what we have found. 
    You’re wise to have a sit down talk with her.  In person is sometimes best, so good to wait at this point. I do stand by my original advice above, I think guys should just host your own RD.  I know your FMIL wants to host it but honestly, you’re already co-hosting.  You’re doing all of the legwork and research.  My youngest sister’s shower is in March- my mom is paying ($50pp for 40 guests, I couldn’t if I wanted to!) and I ordered invites, recipe cards, I’ll send them next month, I’ll keep track of RSVPs, seating chart, favors, decor..we’re each playing an important role, so we’re co-hosting.  You guys should put an emphasis on collaboration and co-host (financially). Or, again, just graciously thank her but host it yourselves.

    edit- TK posted before I finished my thought 
    I definitely agree that talking to her in person is the best option. She told my mother $15 per person not either one of us. She has asked about places so I think if she asks us again we can give her the info I have found and from there we can decide what we want to do. I have no problem hosting it, but we would have to adjust our budget since our budget currently does not include the rehearsal. Or if she really only wants to spend $15 a person I would no problem making up the difference as long as she agrees. I have no say over whether my fiance discusses the event with his father. If he makes that decision that is on him. To my knowledge, his father has not offered to help with anything. I also don't think his father really knows all that much about the wedding. His mother has been pretty involved unlike his father. I don't think he should ask his father to pay for it since his father didn't offer, but my fiance is his own person so I can't control what he does. His father may say no which is totally fine. I do feel though that I shouldn't have to give up wanting a sit down meal or he should have to give up wanting alcohol and if we have to pay the extra amount to get want we want that is fine by me. 
    I agree with the bolded. Just know that it might cause some hard feelings with MIL. Regardless of what your fiance says to her, she might hear "Your budget and your plans aren't good enough for us" and it might be difficult for her to understand. Obviously this is completely out of your control, but I'd just be really careful about your word choices.

    I actually had something similar with my own mom. She'd offered to buy my dress and had a $500 budget. Sounds great to me! We shopped and shopped and shopped and found exactly NOTHING I even remotely liked in that price range and found a couple dresses I liked that were more expensive. My mom and I were super close so I did feel comfortable telling her I'd pay the difference if I decided that I had to have one of the expensive dresses. In the end, I did find something in her budget (mostly because, per her unrelated budgeting tips, I calculated that it would cost $400/hour to wear said expensive dress and fuck that) so the point was moot but I do think she was a little hurt by it. 
    Generally his mother is pretty easy going, but we have had some issues with her with our wedding. I know she was horrified when I told her the cost of hair and makeup for my wedding was $65 for makeup and $75 for hair, but I thought those prices were rather reasonable given other quotes I was given. My bridesmaids also agreed that they were good prices. My MIL elected not to have either service which is 100% okay since they were optional. She was just shocked I'd pick something so expensive, but she is used to getting her hair done at Walmart and she gets a discount because she works at Walmart. She also gave us a list of 60 people she wanted into to our wedding and about 10 people she wanted invited to my bridal shower, but I hadn't met like 5 of those people. I don't think she knows the pricing for wedding things. 
    It's possible that if this is her first rodeo in modern weddings that she may not know what they cost.

    My parents attended the weddings of children of their friends and my father estimated what he *thought* was a pricey event.   My cousin who had been married for years at that point advised him that if was as impressed as he was at the venue he was in he needed to double or triple his estimate.   His eyes bugged out but he then realized that was the nature of what things cost.

    When it came time for me to get married we tried to keep it reasonable and I was lucky enough to have my parents foot the bill.   By that point they did not have sticker shock.
    charlotte989875ei34short+sassy
  • edited January 2019
    banana468 said:
    eileenrob said:
    Why not just tell your MIL that you and your FI will host the RD? 
    She is coming to visit next weekend so we are going to have to sit down and talk to her. I have gathered menus from multiple places so we can show her what we have found. 
    You’re wise to have a sit down talk with her.  In person is sometimes best, so good to wait at this point. I do stand by my original advice above, I think guys should just host your own RD.  I know your FMIL wants to host it but honestly, you’re already co-hosting.  You’re doing all of the legwork and research.  My youngest sister’s shower is in March- my mom is paying ($50pp for 40 guests, I couldn’t if I wanted to!) and I ordered invites, recipe cards, I’ll send them next month, I’ll keep track of RSVPs, seating chart, favors, decor..we’re each playing an important role, so we’re co-hosting.  You guys should put an emphasis on collaboration and co-host (financially). Or, again, just graciously thank her but host it yourselves.

    edit- TK posted before I finished my thought 
    I definitely agree that talking to her in person is the best option. She told my mother $15 per person not either one of us. She has asked about places so I think if she asks us again we can give her the info I have found and from there we can decide what we want to do. I have no problem hosting it, but we would have to adjust our budget since our budget currently does not include the rehearsal. Or if she really only wants to spend $15 a person I would no problem making up the difference as long as she agrees. I have no say over whether my fiance discusses the event with his father. If he makes that decision that is on him. To my knowledge, his father has not offered to help with anything. I also don't think his father really knows all that much about the wedding. His mother has been pretty involved unlike his father. I don't think he should ask his father to pay for it since his father didn't offer, but my fiance is his own person so I can't control what he does. His father may say no which is totally fine. I do feel though that I shouldn't have to give up wanting a sit down meal or he should have to give up wanting alcohol and if we have to pay the extra amount to get want we want that is fine by me. 
    I agree with the bolded. Just know that it might cause some hard feelings with MIL. Regardless of what your fiance says to her, she might hear "Your budget and your plans aren't good enough for us" and it might be difficult for her to understand. Obviously this is completely out of your control, but I'd just be really careful about your word choices.

    I actually had something similar with my own mom. She'd offered to buy my dress and had a $500 budget. Sounds great to me! We shopped and shopped and shopped and found exactly NOTHING I even remotely liked in that price range and found a couple dresses I liked that were more expensive. My mom and I were super close so I did feel comfortable telling her I'd pay the difference if I decided that I had to have one of the expensive dresses. In the end, I did find something in her budget (mostly because, per her unrelated budgeting tips, I calculated that it would cost $400/hour to wear said expensive dress and fuck that) so the point was moot but I do think she was a little hurt by it. 
    Generally his mother is pretty easy going, but we have had some issues with her with our wedding. I know she was horrified when I told her the cost of hair and makeup for my wedding was $65 for makeup and $75 for hair, but I thought those prices were rather reasonable given other quotes I was given. My bridesmaids also agreed that they were good prices. My MIL elected not to have either service which is 100% okay since they were optional. She was just shocked I'd pick something so expensive, but she is used to getting her hair done at Walmart and she gets a discount because she works at Walmart. She also gave us a list of 60 people she wanted into to our wedding and about 10 people she wanted invited to my bridal shower, but I hadn't met like 5 of those people. I don't think she knows the pricing for wedding things. 
    It's possible that if this is her first rodeo in modern weddings that she may not know what they cost.

    My parents attended the weddings of children of their friends and my father estimated what he *thought* was a pricey event.   My cousin who had been married for years at that point advised him that if was as impressed as he was at the venue he was in he needed to double or triple his estimate.   His eyes bugged out but he then realized that was the nature of what things cost.

    When it came time for me to get married we tried to keep it reasonable and I was lucky enough to have my parents foot the bill.   By that point they did not have sticker shock.
    I know she was moderately involved in her step-daughter's wedding, but her step-daughter had be firm about certain things because my MIL kept trying to tell her she didn't need certain things. Step-daughter wanted real flowers, but my MIL thought it was not necessary, but the step-daughter was paying for them so she decided to have real flowers. Other than her step-daughter's wedding last year she hasn't really been involved in wedding planning in years so she doesn't realize the cost of things and unfortunately I don't think she really researches anything to see the cost. I also tend to research a lot before I commit to things so I know what to expect. 

    I am also having the issue of figuring out where to go with my mother and MIL for mother of the bride/groom dresses. My MIL decided she wants to come visit us and go shopping with my mother, my fiance and I for dresses. My mother and MIL don't live in the area so they put me in charge of picking out places to look at. My mother said she will spend whatever she has to on a dress, but my MIL has given me no budget to work within. I went pre-shopping based on the ideas both mothers sent me. I went to J.C. Penny's, Macy's, Lord & Taylor, and Nordstrom and they don't have a lot of dresses to pick from. Both mothers want long evening gowns, but most of the ones I found are sizes 4-10. Both of our mothers are plus size so 4-10 does not work and they don't want to order dresses online so I have no clue. 
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    banana468 said:
    eileenrob said:
    Why not just tell your MIL that you and your FI will host the RD? 
    She is coming to visit next weekend so we are going to have to sit down and talk to her. I have gathered menus from multiple places so we can show her what we have found. 
    You’re wise to have a sit down talk with her.  In person is sometimes best, so good to wait at this point. I do stand by my original advice above, I think guys should just host your own RD.  I know your FMIL wants to host it but honestly, you’re already co-hosting.  You’re doing all of the legwork and research.  My youngest sister’s shower is in March- my mom is paying ($50pp for 40 guests, I couldn’t if I wanted to!) and I ordered invites, recipe cards, I’ll send them next month, I’ll keep track of RSVPs, seating chart, favors, decor..we’re each playing an important role, so we’re co-hosting.  You guys should put an emphasis on collaboration and co-host (financially). Or, again, just graciously thank her but host it yourselves.

    edit- TK posted before I finished my thought 
    I definitely agree that talking to her in person is the best option. She told my mother $15 per person not either one of us. She has asked about places so I think if she asks us again we can give her the info I have found and from there we can decide what we want to do. I have no problem hosting it, but we would have to adjust our budget since our budget currently does not include the rehearsal. Or if she really only wants to spend $15 a person I would no problem making up the difference as long as she agrees. I have no say over whether my fiance discusses the event with his father. If he makes that decision that is on him. To my knowledge, his father has not offered to help with anything. I also don't think his father really knows all that much about the wedding. His mother has been pretty involved unlike his father. I don't think he should ask his father to pay for it since his father didn't offer, but my fiance is his own person so I can't control what he does. His father may say no which is totally fine. I do feel though that I shouldn't have to give up wanting a sit down meal or he should have to give up wanting alcohol and if we have to pay the extra amount to get want we want that is fine by me. 
    I agree with the bolded. Just know that it might cause some hard feelings with MIL. Regardless of what your fiance says to her, she might hear "Your budget and your plans aren't good enough for us" and it might be difficult for her to understand. Obviously this is completely out of your control, but I'd just be really careful about your word choices.

    I actually had something similar with my own mom. She'd offered to buy my dress and had a $500 budget. Sounds great to me! We shopped and shopped and shopped and found exactly NOTHING I even remotely liked in that price range and found a couple dresses I liked that were more expensive. My mom and I were super close so I did feel comfortable telling her I'd pay the difference if I decided that I had to have one of the expensive dresses. In the end, I did find something in her budget (mostly because, per her unrelated budgeting tips, I calculated that it would cost $400/hour to wear said expensive dress and fuck that) so the point was moot but I do think she was a little hurt by it. 
    Generally his mother is pretty easy going, but we have had some issues with her with our wedding. I know she was horrified when I told her the cost of hair and makeup for my wedding was $65 for makeup and $75 for hair, but I thought those prices were rather reasonable given other quotes I was given. My bridesmaids also agreed that they were good prices. My MIL elected not to have either service which is 100% okay since they were optional. She was just shocked I'd pick something so expensive, but she is used to getting her hair done at Walmart and she gets a discount because she works at Walmart. She also gave us a list of 60 people she wanted into to our wedding and about 10 people she wanted invited to my bridal shower, but I hadn't met like 5 of those people. I don't think she knows the pricing for wedding things. 
    It's possible that if this is her first rodeo in modern weddings that she may not know what they cost.

    My parents attended the weddings of children of their friends and my father estimated what he *thought* was a pricey event.   My cousin who had been married for years at that point advised him that if was as impressed as he was at the venue he was in he needed to double or triple his estimate.   His eyes bugged out but he then realized that was the nature of what things cost.

    When it came time for me to get married we tried to keep it reasonable and I was lucky enough to have my parents foot the bill.   By that point they did not have sticker shock.
    I know she was moderately involved in her step-daughter's wedding, but her step-daughter had be firm about certain things because my MIL kept trying to tell her she didn't need certain things. Step-daughter wanted real flowers, but my MIL thought it was not necessary, but the step-daughter was paying for them so she decided to have real flowers. Other than her step-daughter's wedding last year she hasn't really been involved in wedding planning in years so she doesn't realize the cost of things and unfortunately I don't think she really researches anything to see the cost. I also tend to research a lot before I commit to things so I know what to expect. 

    I am also having the issue of figuring out where to go with my mother and MIL for mother of the bride/groom dresses. My MIL decided she wants to come visit us and go shopping with my mother, my fiance and I for dresses. My mother and MIL don't live in the area so they put me in charge of picking out places to look at. My mother said she will spend whatever she has to on a dress, but my MIL has given me no budget to work within. I went pre-shopping based on the ideas both mothers sent me. I went to J.C. Penny's, Macy's, Lord & Taylor, and Nordstrom and they don't have a lot of dresses to pick from. Both mothers want long evening gowns, but most of the ones I found are sizes 4-10. Both of our mothers are plus size so 4-10 does not work and they don't want to order dresses online so I have no clue. 

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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
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    banana468 said:
    eileenrob said:
    Why not just tell your MIL that you and your FI will host the RD? 
    She is coming to visit next weekend so we are going to have to sit down and talk to her. I have gathered menus from multiple places so we can show her what we have found. 
    You’re wise to have a sit down talk with her.  In person is sometimes best, so good to wait at this point. I do stand by my original advice above, I think guys should just host your own RD.  I know your FMIL wants to host it but honestly, you’re already co-hosting.  You’re doing all of the legwork and research.  My youngest sister’s shower is in March- my mom is paying ($50pp for 40 guests, I couldn’t if I wanted to!) and I ordered invites, recipe cards, I’ll send them next month, I’ll keep track of RSVPs, seating chart, favors, decor..we’re each playing an important role, so we’re co-hosting.  You guys should put an emphasis on collaboration and co-host (financially). Or, again, just graciously thank her but host it yourselves.

    edit- TK posted before I finished my thought 
    I definitely agree that talking to her in person is the best option. She told my mother $15 per person not either one of us. She has asked about places so I think if she asks us again we can give her the info I have found and from there we can decide what we want to do. I have no problem hosting it, but we would have to adjust our budget since our budget currently does not include the rehearsal. Or if she really only wants to spend $15 a person I would no problem making up the difference as long as she agrees. I have no say over whether my fiance discusses the event with his father. If he makes that decision that is on him. To my knowledge, his father has not offered to help with anything. I also don't think his father really knows all that much about the wedding. His mother has been pretty involved unlike his father. I don't think he should ask his father to pay for it since his father didn't offer, but my fiance is his own person so I can't control what he does. His father may say no which is totally fine. I do feel though that I shouldn't have to give up wanting a sit down meal or he should have to give up wanting alcohol and if we have to pay the extra amount to get want we want that is fine by me. 
    I agree with the bolded. Just know that it might cause some hard feelings with MIL. Regardless of what your fiance says to her, she might hear "Your budget and your plans aren't good enough for us" and it might be difficult for her to understand. Obviously this is completely out of your control, but I'd just be really careful about your word choices.

    I actually had something similar with my own mom. She'd offered to buy my dress and had a $500 budget. Sounds great to me! We shopped and shopped and shopped and found exactly NOTHING I even remotely liked in that price range and found a couple dresses I liked that were more expensive. My mom and I were super close so I did feel comfortable telling her I'd pay the difference if I decided that I had to have one of the expensive dresses. In the end, I did find something in her budget (mostly because, per her unrelated budgeting tips, I calculated that it would cost $400/hour to wear said expensive dress and fuck that) so the point was moot but I do think she was a little hurt by it. 
    Generally his mother is pretty easy going, but we have had some issues with her with our wedding. I know she was horrified when I told her the cost of hair and makeup for my wedding was $65 for makeup and $75 for hair, but I thought those prices were rather reasonable given other quotes I was given. My bridesmaids also agreed that they were good prices. My MIL elected not to have either service which is 100% okay since they were optional. She was just shocked I'd pick something so expensive, but she is used to getting her hair done at Walmart and she gets a discount because she works at Walmart. She also gave us a list of 60 people she wanted into to our wedding and about 10 people she wanted invited to my bridal shower, but I hadn't met like 5 of those people. I don't think she knows the pricing for wedding things. 
    It's possible that if this is her first rodeo in modern weddings that she may not know what they cost.

    My parents attended the weddings of children of their friends and my father estimated what he *thought* was a pricey event.   My cousin who had been married for years at that point advised him that if was as impressed as he was at the venue he was in he needed to double or triple his estimate.   His eyes bugged out but he then realized that was the nature of what things cost.

    When it came time for me to get married we tried to keep it reasonable and I was lucky enough to have my parents foot the bill.   By that point they did not have sticker shock.
    I know she was moderately involved in her step-daughter's wedding, but her step-daughter had be firm about certain things because my MIL kept trying to tell her she didn't need certain things. Step-daughter wanted real flowers, but my MIL thought it was not necessary, but the step-daughter was paying for them so she decided to have real flowers. Other than her step-daughter's wedding last year she hasn't really been involved in wedding planning in years so she doesn't realize the cost of things and unfortunately I don't think she really researches anything to see the cost. I also tend to research a lot before I commit to things so I know what to expect. 

    I am also having the issue of figuring out where to go with my mother and MIL for mother of the bride/groom dresses. My MIL decided she wants to come visit us and go shopping with my mother, my fiance and I for dresses. My mother and MIL don't live in the area so they put me in charge of picking out places to look at. My mother said she will spend whatever she has to on a dress, but my MIL has given me no budget to work within. I went pre-shopping based on the ideas both mothers sent me. I went to J.C. Penny's, Macy's, Lord & Taylor, and Nordstrom and they don't have a lot of dresses to pick from. Both mothers want long evening gowns, but most of the ones I found are sizes 4-10. Both of our mothers are plus size so 4-10 does not work and they don't want to order dresses online so I have no clue. 
    You get no say in their dresses, and it's none of your business what they pick. You are completely out of line suggesting places for them to shop, and it's completely absurd to think that your MIL's dress budget is even remotely your business. 

    I know you are trolling, but seriously, what if someone was really like that? ::Shudder::
    InLoveInQueens
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    OK.  I must be the ONLY one with this point of view.  Needs vs wants.  This is one unit in the first grade social studies curriculum.  You want a sit down rehearsal dinner and your FI wants alcohol at the rehearsal dinner.  You do not NEED either.  MIL has offered to host a rehearsal dinner at a cost of @$15 per person.  Accept her offer and let her plan accordingly, or decline it in its entirety and foot the bill yourselves.  The last thing you need is to add another cook (FIL) to this kitchen.  
    Your mother and FMIL can and should do their own dress shopping!  Nordstrom has one of the most generous return policies of any store.  I ordered SIX dresses to try to my daughter's wedding.  I kept one and returned the others with NO hassle whatsoever.  However, all stores you mentioned absolutely carry sizes larger than 10 in their stores.  Did you actually solicit any sales associate for help?
    https://shop.nordstrom.com/c/plus-size-dresses/long-dresses?breadcrumb=Home/Women/Clothing/Plus-Size Clothing/Dresses&top=72&offset=3&page=1&sort=Boosted&flexi=60197317_60197322

  • Okay, let me start from the beginning. My MIL out of the blue called my fiance and asked if we had plans for next Saturday. He said no and she said would like to come visit us. She has off Friday and Saturday so she would come down Friday and we would go to dinner then on Saturday she said she wanted to go shopping with my mother and I for mother of bride/groom dresses. She told him she had spoken to my mother prior to the holidays about the two of them going shopping so she thought it would be fun to include me in their trip. She said we could have lunch and look at dresses. He said he would talk to me and see if my mother would want/be able to come to Maryland that weekend. MIL lives in New Jersey and my mother lives in Pennsylvania so they would both be coming to Maryland where we live, but it was MIL's idea. MIL also was altering my bridesmaid's dress for my brother's wedding so she wanted to make sure she took enough off the bottom so it would not brag. She is also making the flower girl dresses for our wedding and we accidentally took the material back to Maryland with us after we bought it in Pennsylvania with her help. Before you say anything about her making them after we got engaged she asked if we were having flower girls. I said we would like to have my fiance's nieces. She said she would love to make their dresses and that she has experience making bridesmaids and wedding dresses. I said okay. Fiance then told me his mother would be visiting and asked if my mother would want to come too. I said I could talk to her, but he said he would handle it since it was his mother who suggested the shopping trip. My mother said she would gladly come to visit and go for lunch and shopping. I then spoke with both mothers to find out where they would like to go. Both mothers indicated that they didn't know the are well enough so if I had suggestions that would be great. I suggested multiple places such as Macy's and david's bridal. MILs sent me a thumbs up via Facebook messenger. She then proceeded to send me a bunch of ideas she found online from JJ's House, but said she didn't really want to buy a dress online, but those were the styles of dresses she was interested in. She also told me she wanted a dress she could wear to our wedding and my future BIL's wedding. She said she wanted a dress in either grey or champagne and that she wanted to avoid navy because she had talked to my mother about dresses previously and they agreed that navy wouldn't be a good idea since our colors are red and white and navy would make it look patriotic in wedding photos. I also spoke with my mother who said she feels the most comfortable in grey since that's the color she most often wears. She also sent me ideas of dresses she wanted. I had some free time so I went to the mall and looked at evening gowns because those are the types of dresses both mothers sent me. Unfortunately, in the colors and styles they wanted the stores were very limited in sizes. They had a few plus size dresses in pink, navy, and maroon, but neither mother wants to wear any of those colors. The only reason I mentioned budget is because I had told the mothers what dresses I did find and my mother mentioned one of the bridal shops we went to when I was looking for my wedding dress, but bridal shops tend to be more expensive than department stores and I didn't want anyone to feel like they are expected to spend that much money. 
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    MobKaz said:
    OK.  I must be the ONLY one with this point of view.  Needs vs wants.  This is one unit in the first grade social studies curriculum.  You want a sit down rehearsal dinner and your FI wants alcohol at the rehearsal dinner.  You do not NEED either.  MIL has offered to host a rehearsal dinner at a cost of @$15 per person.  Accept her offer and let her plan accordingly, or decline it in its entirety and foot the bill yourselves.  The last thing you need is to add another cook (FIL) to this kitchen.  
    THIS. I'm sitting here reading this whole thread like, "why are you involved in this at all?" Stop doing her legwork. Tell her, "thanks for hosting the rehearsal dinner. Let us know where at least 4 weeks prior so we can let our bridal party know." If she thinks she can do it for $15 a head, let her figure out a place. 

    InLoveInQueensMyNameIsNotshort+sassynightnerd
  • MobKaz said:
    OK.  I must be the ONLY one with this point of view.  Needs vs wants.  This is one unit in the first grade social studies curriculum.  You want a sit down rehearsal dinner and your FI wants alcohol at the rehearsal dinner.  You do not NEED either.  MIL has offered to host a rehearsal dinner at a cost of @$15 per person.  Accept her offer and let her plan accordingly, or decline it in its entirety and foot the bill yourselves.  The last thing you need is to add another cook (FIL) to this kitchen.  
    THIS. I'm sitting here reading this whole thread like, "why are you involved in this at all?" Stop doing her legwork. Tell her, "thanks for hosting the rehearsal dinner. Let us know where at least 4 weeks prior so we can let our bridal party know." If she thinks she can do it for $15 a head, let her figure out a place. 
    Because every time we see her she asks if we have picked out anywhere to have the rehearsal. 
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    MobKaz said:
    OK.  I must be the ONLY one with this point of view.  Needs vs wants.  This is one unit in the first grade social studies curriculum.  You want a sit down rehearsal dinner and your FI wants alcohol at the rehearsal dinner.  You do not NEED either.  MIL has offered to host a rehearsal dinner at a cost of @$15 per person.  Accept her offer and let her plan accordingly, or decline it in its entirety and foot the bill yourselves.  The last thing you need is to add another cook (FIL) to this kitchen.  
    THIS. I'm sitting here reading this whole thread like, "why are you involved in this at all?" Stop doing her legwork. Tell her, "thanks for hosting the rehearsal dinner. Let us know where at least 4 weeks prior so we can let our bridal party know." If she thinks she can do it for $15 a head, let her figure out a place. 
    Because every time we see her she asks if we have picked out anywhere to have the rehearsal. 
    "MIL, thank you for your generous offer.  Your son and I both have very specific requirements above and beyond your budget.  We are unable to fulfill those requirements at your price point.  We can host it at XXXX if you accept our contribution to offset those requirements.  If not, we will end this madness and host the rehearsal ourselves, with gratitude for your initial offer.'
    ShesSoColdei34InLoveInQueensshort+sassy
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    MobKaz said:
    OK.  I must be the ONLY one with this point of view.  Needs vs wants.  This is one unit in the first grade social studies curriculum.  You want a sit down rehearsal dinner and your FI wants alcohol at the rehearsal dinner.  You do not NEED either.  MIL has offered to host a rehearsal dinner at a cost of @$15 per person.  Accept her offer and let her plan accordingly, or decline it in its entirety and foot the bill yourselves.  The last thing you need is to add another cook (FIL) to this kitchen.  
    THIS. I'm sitting here reading this whole thread like, "why are you involved in this at all?" Stop doing her legwork. Tell her, "thanks for hosting the rehearsal dinner. Let us know where at least 4 weeks prior so we can let our bridal party know." If she thinks she can do it for $15 a head, let her figure out a place. 
    Because every time we see her she asks if we have picked out anywhere to have the rehearsal. 
    "We haven't found anything within your budget. Since you're hosting, why don't you find and book a place and just let us know?" 

    Or Mobkaz's wording. 

    ei34InLoveInQueensshort+sassy
  • If someone is hosting a party for any reason, their guests (and you would, in fact, be your IL's guests) do not get a say in how the party is done, and they don't do the legwork for it. They just show up and act gracious

    So tell your MIL that either she is hosting OR you are. If she goes ahead, you will have to accept that it will be her style, not yours, so if she wants to have Burger King cater it and not serve booze, that would suck, but you would, of course, be gracious about it.

    If she decides that she wants your help, then you are co-hosts, and can add to the budget as you see fit to get the type of function you want.

    But I think it's rude as hell to tell MIL that because her budget isn't big enough, you're not going to get the function YOU want, so therefore you're taking over. Let her come to that conclusion on her own, if she wants, or just butt out and let her run with her party.

    As far as the MOB/MOG dresses go, you've done more than enough. They are mature women who know how to find flattering dresses in their size. I'd bow out of the shopping trip and let the mothers go by themselves and bond a little.
    MobKazlovesclimbingei34
  • I think a lot of this can be resolved with a conversation that your FI has with his mom.   He can ask her what SHE is envisioning for he RD based on her budget and what she thinks that will include.   From there he can either advise her that you have looked into what she has wanted but that's out of her proposed budget OR you can keep looking into what may be within her budget as a new search (which could be things like 6 foot sandwiches and fountain drinks).

    IF your MIL's vision and your vision are the same but the budget is not that's when your FI can say, "Mom we have looked into places in the area that will host a crowd of our size and what we are coming up with is X per head which is over your budget.   Would you like us to look into different places or perhaps would you be OK if we helped finance some of this but you'd still be the hostess?   Let us know what you think.   We are happy to do anything and just wanted to keep you posted with what we have researched at this point."  

    Showing her real facts and proposals may help her see that there may need to be a new approach here.   In no way should you imply what she's offering is not good enough unless you truly want to turn down her offer and do it yourself.  

    As far as shopping goes, it's up to the relationship that the moms have.   Shopping together can be fine and there are tons of options out there.   I would not discount the possibility of buying online when plenty of department stores have great shipping options.   My mom bought her dress from Nordstrom and never set foot in the store.   I would NOT suggest a dual mom shopping trip unless they're already comfortable and friendly with each other.   I can think of few things as mortifying as a dressing room situation between two women who hardly know each other. 
    Casadenacharlotte989875
  • banana468 said:
    I think a lot of this can be resolved with a conversation that your FI has with his mom.   He can ask her what SHE is envisioning for he RD based on her budget and what she thinks that will include.   From there he can either advise her that you have looked into what she has wanted but that's out of her proposed budget OR you can keep looking into what may be within her budget as a new search (which could be things like 6 foot sandwiches and fountain drinks).

    IF your MIL's vision and your vision are the same but the budget is not that's when your FI can say, "Mom we have looked into places in the area that will host a crowd of our size and what we are coming up with is X per head which is over your budget.   Would you like us to look into different places or perhaps would you be OK if we helped finance some of this but you'd still be the hostess?   Let us know what you think.   We are happy to do anything and just wanted to keep you posted with what we have researched at this point."  

    Showing her real facts and proposals may help her see that there may need to be a new approach here.   In no way should you imply what she's offering is not good enough unless you truly want to turn down her offer and do it yourself.  

    As far as shopping goes, it's up to the relationship that the moms have.   Shopping together can be fine and there are tons of options out there.   I would not discount the possibility of buying online when plenty of department stores have great shipping options.   My mom bought her dress from Nordstrom and never set foot in the store.   I would NOT suggest a dual mom shopping trip unless they're already comfortable and friendly with each other.   I can think of few things as mortifying as a dressing room situation between two women who hardly know each other. 
    A conversation is definitely the best idea because I agree with what everyone is saying. If she wants to host the RD she should be picking out places to have it instead of asking us what places we have looked at. However, since she has asked us to look at places that's what I did so we will be able to give her the information we found. I would love for her to research this stuff on her own as well, but to my knowledge she has not. I think finding out exactly how involved she wants us to be in this is a great idea. From everything she has said, it seems more like she just wants us to select the place then she will give us so much money to pay for it rather than her actually going to select a place. 

    As for the shopping, I told my mother this morning that if both mothers really want to go shopping fine, but I am done trying to help them decide where they want to go. Neither of them have given any opinion. They both just say wherever and that I know the area better because I live here. I told my mother that she has Internet so if she wants to go shopping on Saturday then she can find places to go. Both mothers have the resources to look up places so they can decide on their own where they want to go. Just because I am more familiar with the area does not mean I should be the one deciding where they go shopping. I made an appointment to go to a bridal salon my mother wanted to go to, but then two days later she decides she doesn't want to go there so I am done. She hung up on me because she thought I was being rude, but I was just trying to express my frustration at being told they are fine going anywhere, but yet they cannot tell me a single store they actually want to go to. I did not make these plans. My MIL did with my mother. They just want to drag me along, but yet I am responsible for deciding where. I think not. If my MIL and mother want to go shopping they can use Google or whatever to make the plans because I am done trying to help.   
  • The venue is a hotel and it has the option to allow us to have our rehearsal dinner there, but it would be a sit down dinner like our wedding and she vetoed that idea. They would not be willing to allow us to bring our own food. I have called/emailed 15-20 people and the cheapest option I found was $20. The $20 does not include tax, gratuity which every place I called has a gratuity fee of 20% of the total bill, appetizers, desserts, or alcohol. We would have no problem covering the additional costs, but she insists that she offered to pay for everything so we wouldn't have to. 
    FWIW, I agree with the PP in that you should host yourselves, and at the venue hotel too.  If FMIL is only comfortable with $15/head, ask if she'd consider hosting to that amount and you pay for any overages.  $20/pp plus tax/gratuity really isn't that bad when you think about even hosting your own event at your place for 20 people if it'd been a viable option.  That's $400+$50 tax+$90 for (generous) tip plus beverages (which you could go with something like coffee/punch/signature drink).  For my parent's 50th Anniversary it was around that per person and entirely worth it.  The other advantage is the venue does all your setting up and you're already there so your RD guests have a chance to learn the venue (where bathrooms are, etc.)..  
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    short+sassy
  • MesmrEwe said:
    The venue is a hotel and it has the option to allow us to have our rehearsal dinner there, but it would be a sit down dinner like our wedding and she vetoed that idea. They would not be willing to allow us to bring our own food. I have called/emailed 15-20 people and the cheapest option I found was $20. The $20 does not include tax, gratuity which every place I called has a gratuity fee of 20% of the total bill, appetizers, desserts, or alcohol. We would have no problem covering the additional costs, but she insists that she offered to pay for everything so we wouldn't have to. 
    FWIW, I agree with the PP in that you should host yourselves, and at the venue hotel too.  If FMIL is only comfortable with $15/head, ask if she'd consider hosting to that amount and you pay for any overages.  $20/pp plus tax/gratuity really isn't that bad when you think about even hosting your own event at your place for 20 people if it'd been a viable option.  That's $400+$50 tax+$90 for (generous) tip plus beverages (which you could go with something like coffee/punch/signature drink).  For my parent's 50th Anniversary it was around that per person and entirely worth it.  The other advantage is the venue does all your setting up and you're already there so your RD guests have a chance to learn the venue (where bathrooms are, etc.)..  
    I'm not sure how much our venue would charge to have it there. I didn't ask because she vetoed the idea from the very beginning. Unfortunately, having it at our apartment isn't an option because we live 4 hours away. My MIL will have either sold or be in the process of selling her house at the time of the rehearsal and she lives 1.5 hours away so that wouldn't be an option. I think we will probably offer to pay for the difference as long as she is okay with that. 
    MesmrEwecharlotte989875
  • MesmrEwe said:
    The venue is a hotel and it has the option to allow us to have our rehearsal dinner there, but it would be a sit down dinner like our wedding and she vetoed that idea. They would not be willing to allow us to bring our own food. I have called/emailed 15-20 people and the cheapest option I found was $20. The $20 does not include tax, gratuity which every place I called has a gratuity fee of 20% of the total bill, appetizers, desserts, or alcohol. We would have no problem covering the additional costs, but she insists that she offered to pay for everything so we wouldn't have to. 
    FWIW, I agree with the PP in that you should host yourselves, and at the venue hotel too.  If FMIL is only comfortable with $15/head, ask if she'd consider hosting to that amount and you pay for any overages.  $20/pp plus tax/gratuity really isn't that bad when you think about even hosting your own event at your place for 20 people if it'd been a viable option.  That's $400+$50 tax+$90 for (generous) tip plus beverages (which you could go with something like coffee/punch/signature drink).  For my parent's 50th Anniversary it was around that per person and entirely worth it.  The other advantage is the venue does all your setting up and you're already there so your RD guests have a chance to learn the venue (where bathrooms are, etc.)..  
    I'm not sure how much our venue would charge to have it there. I didn't ask because she vetoed the idea from the very beginning. Unfortunately, having it at our apartment isn't an option because we live 4 hours away. My MIL will have either sold or be in the process of selling her house at the time of the rehearsal and she lives 1.5 hours away so that wouldn't be an option. I think we will probably offer to pay for the difference as long as she is okay with that. 
    If that's the case, I'd call your venue up and ask!  Sooner the better!  You never know since you've booked your wedding there when they'll do a slightly better rate.  
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • edited January 2019
    MesmrEwe said:
    MesmrEwe said:
    The venue is a hotel and it has the option to allow us to have our rehearsal dinner there, but it would be a sit down dinner like our wedding and she vetoed that idea. They would not be willing to allow us to bring our own food. I have called/emailed 15-20 people and the cheapest option I found was $20. The $20 does not include tax, gratuity which every place I called has a gratuity fee of 20% of the total bill, appetizers, desserts, or alcohol. We would have no problem covering the additional costs, but she insists that she offered to pay for everything so we wouldn't have to. 
    FWIW, I agree with the PP in that you should host yourselves, and at the venue hotel too.  If FMIL is only comfortable with $15/head, ask if she'd consider hosting to that amount and you pay for any overages.  $20/pp plus tax/gratuity really isn't that bad when you think about even hosting your own event at your place for 20 people if it'd been a viable option.  That's $400+$50 tax+$90 for (generous) tip plus beverages (which you could go with something like coffee/punch/signature drink).  For my parent's 50th Anniversary it was around that per person and entirely worth it.  The other advantage is the venue does all your setting up and you're already there so your RD guests have a chance to learn the venue (where bathrooms are, etc.)..  
    I'm not sure how much our venue would charge to have it there. I didn't ask because she vetoed the idea from the very beginning. Unfortunately, having it at our apartment isn't an option because we live 4 hours away. My MIL will have either sold or be in the process of selling her house at the time of the rehearsal and she lives 1.5 hours away so that wouldn't be an option. I think we will probably offer to pay for the difference as long as she is okay with that. 
    If that's the case, I'd call your venue up and ask!  Sooner the better!  You never know since you've booked your wedding there when they'll do a slightly better rate.  
    After tons of emails and phone calls I found a place that may actually fit within her budget. They option three different buffet options. 1 meat with pasta, veggies, potatoes, salad, rolls & butter, and dessert for $13.95 or 2 meats with the same sides for $15.95, and 3 meats with the same sides for $17.95. Those prices don't include tax, gratuity of 18%, apps, or alcohol. However, we could definitely make up any difference in pricing. I honestly don't really care about the apps. I had wanted either apps or a dessert and the pricing includes desserts so I am happy. My fiance is the one that cares about the alcohol so he can talk to her about that. They also offer the option to make the bar a cash option so the guests would buy their own alcohol based on what they want to spend and drink. 
  • MesmrEwe said:
    MesmrEwe said:
    The venue is a hotel and it has the option to allow us to have our rehearsal dinner there, but it would be a sit down dinner like our wedding and she vetoed that idea. They would not be willing to allow us to bring our own food. I have called/emailed 15-20 people and the cheapest option I found was $20. The $20 does not include tax, gratuity which every place I called has a gratuity fee of 20% of the total bill, appetizers, desserts, or alcohol. We would have no problem covering the additional costs, but she insists that she offered to pay for everything so we wouldn't have to. 
    FWIW, I agree with the PP in that you should host yourselves, and at the venue hotel too.  If FMIL is only comfortable with $15/head, ask if she'd consider hosting to that amount and you pay for any overages.  $20/pp plus tax/gratuity really isn't that bad when you think about even hosting your own event at your place for 20 people if it'd been a viable option.  That's $400+$50 tax+$90 for (generous) tip plus beverages (which you could go with something like coffee/punch/signature drink).  For my parent's 50th Anniversary it was around that per person and entirely worth it.  The other advantage is the venue does all your setting up and you're already there so your RD guests have a chance to learn the venue (where bathrooms are, etc.)..  
    I'm not sure how much our venue would charge to have it there. I didn't ask because she vetoed the idea from the very beginning. Unfortunately, having it at our apartment isn't an option because we live 4 hours away. My MIL will have either sold or be in the process of selling her house at the time of the rehearsal and she lives 1.5 hours away so that wouldn't be an option. I think we will probably offer to pay for the difference as long as she is okay with that. 
    If that's the case, I'd call your venue up and ask!  Sooner the better!  You never know since you've booked your wedding there when they'll do a slightly better rate.  
    After tons of emails and phone calls I found a place that may actually fit within her budget. They option three different buffet options. 1 meat with pasta, veggies, potatoes, salad, rolls & butter, and dessert for $13.95 or 2 meats with the same sides for $15.95, and 3 meats with the same sides for $17.95. Those prices don't include tax, gratuity of 18%, apps, or alcohol. However, we could definitely make up any difference in pricing. I honestly don't really care about the apps. I had wanted either apps or a dessert and the pricing includes desserts so I am happy. My fiance is the one that cares about the alcohol so he can talk to her about that. They also offer the option to make the bar a cash option so the guests would buy their own alcohol based on what they want to spend and drink. 
    PLEASE don't move to a cash bar.  Guests should never have to pay for anything that they consume at any hosted event.

    BUT - RDs are generally not big partying events like a wedding.   You may find that if you opt to offer alcohol a consumption bar won't cost too much.

    If your FMIL is open to splitting the cost what you found seems to be pretty reasonable. 
    short+sassyMyNameIsNotcharlotte989875ei34
  • banana468 said:
    MesmrEwe said:
    MesmrEwe said:
    The venue is a hotel and it has the option to allow us to have our rehearsal dinner there, but it would be a sit down dinner like our wedding and she vetoed that idea. They would not be willing to allow us to bring our own food. I have called/emailed 15-20 people and the cheapest option I found was $20. The $20 does not include tax, gratuity which every place I called has a gratuity fee of 20% of the total bill, appetizers, desserts, or alcohol. We would have no problem covering the additional costs, but she insists that she offered to pay for everything so we wouldn't have to. 
    FWIW, I agree with the PP in that you should host yourselves, and at the venue hotel too.  If FMIL is only comfortable with $15/head, ask if she'd consider hosting to that amount and you pay for any overages.  $20/pp plus tax/gratuity really isn't that bad when you think about even hosting your own event at your place for 20 people if it'd been a viable option.  That's $400+$50 tax+$90 for (generous) tip plus beverages (which you could go with something like coffee/punch/signature drink).  For my parent's 50th Anniversary it was around that per person and entirely worth it.  The other advantage is the venue does all your setting up and you're already there so your RD guests have a chance to learn the venue (where bathrooms are, etc.)..  
    I'm not sure how much our venue would charge to have it there. I didn't ask because she vetoed the idea from the very beginning. Unfortunately, having it at our apartment isn't an option because we live 4 hours away. My MIL will have either sold or be in the process of selling her house at the time of the rehearsal and she lives 1.5 hours away so that wouldn't be an option. I think we will probably offer to pay for the difference as long as she is okay with that. 
    If that's the case, I'd call your venue up and ask!  Sooner the better!  You never know since you've booked your wedding there when they'll do a slightly better rate.  
    After tons of emails and phone calls I found a place that may actually fit within her budget. They option three different buffet options. 1 meat with pasta, veggies, potatoes, salad, rolls & butter, and dessert for $13.95 or 2 meats with the same sides for $15.95, and 3 meats with the same sides for $17.95. Those prices don't include tax, gratuity of 18%, apps, or alcohol. However, we could definitely make up any difference in pricing. I honestly don't really care about the apps. I had wanted either apps or a dessert and the pricing includes desserts so I am happy. My fiance is the one that cares about the alcohol so he can talk to her about that. They also offer the option to make the bar a cash option so the guests would buy their own alcohol based on what they want to spend and drink. 
    PLEASE don't move to a cash bar.  Guests should never have to pay for anything that they consume at any hosted event.

    BUT - RDs are generally not big partying events like a wedding.   You may find that if you opt to offer alcohol a consumption bar won't cost too much.

    If your FMIL is open to splitting the cost what you found seems to be pretty reasonable. 
    Cash bar would be our absolute last option. I would recommend offering alcohol based on consumption. I don't think guests should have to pay for stuff they are attending. I can only hope she is willing to split the cost because I think this place has very good pricing and is very pretty at least from the photos and videos I have seen. 
  • banana468 said:
    MesmrEwe said:
    MesmrEwe said:
    The venue is a hotel and it has the option to allow us to have our rehearsal dinner there, but it would be a sit down dinner like our wedding and she vetoed that idea. They would not be willing to allow us to bring our own food. I have called/emailed 15-20 people and the cheapest option I found was $20. The $20 does not include tax, gratuity which every place I called has a gratuity fee of 20% of the total bill, appetizers, desserts, or alcohol. We would have no problem covering the additional costs, but she insists that she offered to pay for everything so we wouldn't have to. 
    FWIW, I agree with the PP in that you should host yourselves, and at the venue hotel too.  If FMIL is only comfortable with $15/head, ask if she'd consider hosting to that amount and you pay for any overages.  $20/pp plus tax/gratuity really isn't that bad when you think about even hosting your own event at your place for 20 people if it'd been a viable option.  That's $400+$50 tax+$90 for (generous) tip plus beverages (which you could go with something like coffee/punch/signature drink).  For my parent's 50th Anniversary it was around that per person and entirely worth it.  The other advantage is the venue does all your setting up and you're already there so your RD guests have a chance to learn the venue (where bathrooms are, etc.)..  
    I'm not sure how much our venue would charge to have it there. I didn't ask because she vetoed the idea from the very beginning. Unfortunately, having it at our apartment isn't an option because we live 4 hours away. My MIL will have either sold or be in the process of selling her house at the time of the rehearsal and she lives 1.5 hours away so that wouldn't be an option. I think we will probably offer to pay for the difference as long as she is okay with that. 
    If that's the case, I'd call your venue up and ask!  Sooner the better!  You never know since you've booked your wedding there when they'll do a slightly better rate.  
    After tons of emails and phone calls I found a place that may actually fit within her budget. They option three different buffet options. 1 meat with pasta, veggies, potatoes, salad, rolls & butter, and dessert for $13.95 or 2 meats with the same sides for $15.95, and 3 meats with the same sides for $17.95. Those prices don't include tax, gratuity of 18%, apps, or alcohol. However, we could definitely make up any difference in pricing. I honestly don't really care about the apps. I had wanted either apps or a dessert and the pricing includes desserts so I am happy. My fiance is the one that cares about the alcohol so he can talk to her about that. They also offer the option to make the bar a cash option so the guests would buy their own alcohol based on what they want to spend and drink. 
    PLEASE don't move to a cash bar.  Guests should never have to pay for anything that they consume at any hosted event.

    BUT - RDs are generally not big partying events like a wedding.   You may find that if you opt to offer alcohol a consumption bar won't cost too much.

    If your FMIL is open to splitting the cost what you found seems to be pretty reasonable. 
    Cash bar would be our absolute last option. I would recommend offering alcohol based on consumption. I don't think guests should have to pay for stuff they are attending. I can only hope she is willing to split the cost because I think this place has very good pricing and is very pretty at least from the photos and videos I have seen. 
    Just don't make the guests pay for the cash bar.   They never should at any time.

    You can often set up a consumption bar that means you're running a tab that you pay for. 
    charlotte989875ei34levioosa
  • banana468 said:
    banana468 said:
    MesmrEwe said:
    MesmrEwe said:
    The venue is a hotel and it has the option to allow us to have our rehearsal dinner there, but it would be a sit down dinner like our wedding and she vetoed that idea. They would not be willing to allow us to bring our own food. I have called/emailed 15-20 people and the cheapest option I found was $20. The $20 does not include tax, gratuity which every place I called has a gratuity fee of 20% of the total bill, appetizers, desserts, or alcohol. We would have no problem covering the additional costs, but she insists that she offered to pay for everything so we wouldn't have to. 
    FWIW, I agree with the PP in that you should host yourselves, and at the venue hotel too.  If FMIL is only comfortable with $15/head, ask if she'd consider hosting to that amount and you pay for any overages.  $20/pp plus tax/gratuity really isn't that bad when you think about even hosting your own event at your place for 20 people if it'd been a viable option.  That's $400+$50 tax+$90 for (generous) tip plus beverages (which you could go with something like coffee/punch/signature drink).  For my parent's 50th Anniversary it was around that per person and entirely worth it.  The other advantage is the venue does all your setting up and you're already there so your RD guests have a chance to learn the venue (where bathrooms are, etc.)..  
    I'm not sure how much our venue would charge to have it there. I didn't ask because she vetoed the idea from the very beginning. Unfortunately, having it at our apartment isn't an option because we live 4 hours away. My MIL will have either sold or be in the process of selling her house at the time of the rehearsal and she lives 1.5 hours away so that wouldn't be an option. I think we will probably offer to pay for the difference as long as she is okay with that. 
    If that's the case, I'd call your venue up and ask!  Sooner the better!  You never know since you've booked your wedding there when they'll do a slightly better rate.  
    After tons of emails and phone calls I found a place that may actually fit within her budget. They option three different buffet options. 1 meat with pasta, veggies, potatoes, salad, rolls & butter, and dessert for $13.95 or 2 meats with the same sides for $15.95, and 3 meats with the same sides for $17.95. Those prices don't include tax, gratuity of 18%, apps, or alcohol. However, we could definitely make up any difference in pricing. I honestly don't really care about the apps. I had wanted either apps or a dessert and the pricing includes desserts so I am happy. My fiance is the one that cares about the alcohol so he can talk to her about that. They also offer the option to make the bar a cash option so the guests would buy their own alcohol based on what they want to spend and drink. 
    PLEASE don't move to a cash bar.  Guests should never have to pay for anything that they consume at any hosted event.

    BUT - RDs are generally not big partying events like a wedding.   You may find that if you opt to offer alcohol a consumption bar won't cost too much.

    If your FMIL is open to splitting the cost what you found seems to be pretty reasonable. 
    Cash bar would be our absolute last option. I would recommend offering alcohol based on consumption. I don't think guests should have to pay for stuff they are attending. I can only hope she is willing to split the cost because I think this place has very good pricing and is very pretty at least from the photos and videos I have seen. 
    Just don't make the guests pay for the cash bar.   They never should at any time.

    You can often set up a consumption bar that means you're running a tab that you pay for. 
    A consumption bar is absolutely the plan as long as my MIL is okay with that or allows us to pay for it if that is not within her budget. Otherwise, there may not be alcohol because the cash bar option isn't fair to guests in my opinion. 
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    A consumption bar is absolutely the plan as long as my MIL is okay with that or allows us to pay for it if that is not within her budget. Otherwise, there may not be alcohol because the cash bar option isn't fair to guests in my opinion. 
    That's perfectly fine. It's not a basic requirement of hosting, and for those things, hosting is an "either do it or don't" situation.

    So if you can't get your MIL to agree to pay for it, or agree for you to partially host, eliminate the alcohol rather than have your guests do the hosting. You're on the right track.

  • A consumption bar is absolutely the plan as long as my MIL is okay with that or allows us to pay for it if that is not within her budget. Otherwise, there may not be alcohol because the cash bar option isn't fair to guests in my opinion. 
    That's perfectly fine. It's not a basic requirement of hosting, and for those things, hosting is an "either do it or don't" situation.

    So if you can't get your MIL to agree to pay for it, or agree for you to partially host, eliminate the alcohol rather than have your guests do the hosting. You're on the right track.
    Sadly, I think alcohol is going to be a huge problem because my fiance wants it and because I don't drink I don't care if we have it. 
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    A consumption bar is absolutely the plan as long as my MIL is okay with that or allows us to pay for it if that is not within her budget. Otherwise, there may not be alcohol because the cash bar option isn't fair to guests in my opinion. 
    That's perfectly fine. It's not a basic requirement of hosting, and for those things, hosting is an "either do it or don't" situation.

    So if you can't get your MIL to agree to pay for it, or agree for you to partially host, eliminate the alcohol rather than have your guests do the hosting. You're on the right track.
    Sadly, I think alcohol is going to be a huge problem because my fiance wants it and because I don't drink I don't care if we have it. 
    Then it's his problem. You can tell him that the options for gracious hosting are either not to have alcohol or to host it fully, and then tell him that he needs to figure out one of those two acceptable options with his mom.
    banana468InLoveInQueens
  • edited February 2019

    A consumption bar is absolutely the plan as long as my MIL is okay with that or allows us to pay for it if that is not within her budget. Otherwise, there may not be alcohol because the cash bar option isn't fair to guests in my opinion. 
    That's perfectly fine. It's not a basic requirement of hosting, and for those things, hosting is an "either do it or don't" situation.

    So if you can't get your MIL to agree to pay for it, or agree for you to partially host, eliminate the alcohol rather than have your guests do the hosting. You're on the right track.
    Sadly, I think alcohol is going to be a huge problem because my fiance wants it and because I don't drink I don't care if we have it. 
    Then it's his problem. You can tell him that the options for gracious hosting are either not to have alcohol or to host it fully, and then tell him that he needs to figure out one of those two acceptable options with his mom.
    I agree! We will be talking to her tonight since she will be in town visiting and staying at our house so we shall see how it goes. 
  • So we talked to her over the weekend and I have no clue where my mother got that she was only willing to spend $15 per person. She told us she would have about $1,000 to give us. She asked if we had looked at any places so I showed her some of the research that I had done. Together we selected a place and what options we wanted. I told her we were willing to do the cheaper options, but she actually picked the more expensive options. 
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    So we talked to her over the weekend and I have no clue where my mother got that she was only willing to spend $15 per person. She told us she would have about $1,000 to give us. She asked if we had looked at any places so I showed her some of the research that I had done. Together we selected a place and what options we wanted. I told her we were willing to do the cheaper options, but she actually picked the more expensive options. 
    See how easy things can be when you use your words and stop playing Telephone with 40 people who aren't even involved?
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    climbingsingleMyNameIsNotlevioosaei34
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