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Wedding Woes

Y'all may not be MFEO

Dear Prudence, 
I am lucky enough to own my condo; it is in the heart of the city and within walking distance of my job and my boyfriend’s job. It is a converted loft with the bedroom above the kitchen and living room and not a lot of extra space. My boyfriend will stay over during the workweek and then spend the weekend at his parents’, two hours away in the suburbs. He has two large dogs there. Our schedules don’t match; he goes in early while I work late. We often eat separately and will only have an hour before he falls asleep. I can’t help but resent when my boyfriend abandons me to retreat every weekend to “take care of his dogs.” His parents are in good health and love the animals. Our social life is completely separated. I am tired of explaining why my boyfriend isn’t with me.

His solution is we bring his dogs into my loft (not feasible), or we sell the loft and buy another property. This would mean my getting a car, insurance, and taking on another mortgage. I balk at taking on additional debt over pets, especially weekend-only ones. I have offered to get a small dog to keep in the apartment and continue to pay for the upkeep of the pets at his parents’. It makes more financial sense to keep the paid-off condo over getting additional debt for some dogs. My boyfriend accuses me of being “heartless.” He pays for food and Netflix; I don’t ask him for rent, and neither do his parents. I am tired of getting described as “irrational” for making rational choices. My boyfriend raised these two dogs since they were puppies, but his parents have taken care of them for the past five years. Am I wrong not to consider them his dogs at this point? Neither of us want kids, so I am actually considering this condo as the long term for us, if there is an “us”? What should I do?
—Part-Time Dog Stepmom

Re: Y'all may not be MFEO

  • This seems like they're not compatible on multiple fronts and the dogs are masquerading as a cover. 

    -How often are they seeing each other if he's out the door early and she's home late?

    -Why doesn't SHE go to HIS place on the weekends? 

    -Why is she proposing a smaller dog as some kind of a replacement?  Why is she not understanding that he seems to have an emotional tie to THOSE animals? 

    This is off to me.   I wonder if the BF knowingly proposes what he knows the LW won't go for because this is a rent-free house for the week for him.  

    The only major emotional commitment I'm seeing in any of that letter is the BF to his dogs.
    charlotte989875eileenrob
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Your boyfriend is living in the city full time without paying rent and returning home every weekend because that’s convenient for him. He is using you. Kick him out and move on. Nothing to do with the dogs. 
    Yup, ditto this. Dump this guy. 

  • Why she doesn't charge him SOMETHING, other than food and Netflix?  At the very least, he should also be paying half the utilities.  Really, I think he should be paying all the utilities.  Because how very convenient for him that the LW's place in the city means he doesn't have to pay rent anywhere.

    I'm also curious why she doesn't join him for at least some weekends at his parents house.

    I realize we are only getting half the story.  But him calling the LW "heartless" and "irrational"...while he chooses his dogs over them every weekend...is over the top for me.  The LW only spends time with this guy for an hour a day, only during the week.  This guy mooches off the LW and his parents.  While insulting the LW, just for the cherry on top.  Time to ditch this guy and find someone else.

    I also find it interesting that the b/f doesn't seem to mention another solution...he finds his own place to rent in the city that will be big enough for his dogs.

    Yeah, LW, definitely do not sell your awesome condo for this guy and his dogs.


    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • This really isn’t about the dogs. 
    kvrunsOliveOilsMom
  • Something is off here.  But realistically, she isn't happy in this relationship and he isn't willing to provide her what she wants to be happy.  So, DTMFA.

    As someone who had to give custody to my dogs to my parents so that I could make sure to see them after my divorce, I'm not willing to totally be down on him for going to see his dogs every weekend.  I see mine almost every day on lunch and I've spent the night on the weekend to get doggie snuggles.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    Sounds to me like BF is hiding something. Why wouldn't LW ever be invited out for the weekend? Because there's someone else that he spends his weekends with, of the human variety.

    DTMFA
  • @MyNameIsNot and @banana468, I had some of those same thoughts also, lol. 

    To be fair, the LW doesn't say they aren't invited.  Or that they have never met the parents/dogs.  But that was a part of the story I was curious about because it wasn't mentioned at all.  It could be the LW loves their life in the city (sounds like it) and rarely wants to go.

    But if the LW has never been invited and has never met the parents...hmmm...

    dogs (may)= wife and kids

    Back in my college days, cell phones were just coming on the scene for the average person.  But almost everyone still had a landline.  If a guy gave me his cell phone number and a lot of excuses why he couldn't give me his landline, I was on high alert!  And was right to be most of the time, lol.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Spending the entire weekend at his parents’ house instead of doing fun couples stuff occasionally, and him living rent-free in her place (does he even have his own place??), and him accusing her of being “heartless” are three separate, huge issues.  Without even hearing his side of the story, my advice to LW would be to break up with him.  What an obnoxious man-child.  
    STARMOON44
  • @MyNameIsNot and @banana468, I had some of those same thoughts also, lol. 

    To be fair, the LW doesn't say they aren't invited.  Or that they have never met the parents/dogs.  But that was a part of the story I was curious about because it wasn't mentioned at all.  It could be the LW loves their life in the city (sounds like it) and rarely wants to go.

    But if the LW has never been invited and has never met the parents...hmmm...

    dogs (may)= wife and kids

    Back in my college days, cell phones were just coming on the scene for the average person.  But almost everyone still had a landline.  If a guy gave me his cell phone number and a lot of excuses why he couldn't give me his landline, I was on high alert!  And was right to be most of the time, lol.

    Yeah - it's not the dogs. It's their entirely separate social lives. 

    Also, if LW is paying for rent and utilities and this guy is just paying $10 for netflix plus food for 5 days she needs to ask herself, "What am I getting from this??" 
    OurWildKingdom
  • I keep reading this and there just has to be more to the story.  She says that it's her boyfriend...and his parents have been taking care of the dogs for 5 years?  I'm not sure how long this has been going on.  And the opposite schedules and money situation is weird too.

    I keep trying to read this with an unbiased mind and I just keep coming back to, "Look, you've made your choice, so *validated* and go on with yourself."  People let guilt over things they haven't even done, control their decisions.
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    I very briefly dated a guy (right before H!) that claimed he had his kid every weekend, and that's why we could only hang out during the week. He was married, and still very much living with his wife. 

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