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Wedding Woes

Your roommate is being awful.

Dear Prudence, 

My roommate met someone in an online game about a month ago, and they began to date instantly. For the past two weeks, he has been at our apartment constantly, even when she’s gone for work, often leaving him here alone with me for 10 hours at a time. I think his visits should be two to three days a week max and that he shouldn’t be in the apartment without her. She claims this isn’t a problem, as he “leaves me alone.” While it is true he mostly stays in her room, I just don’t like having a stranger in our apartment so often. My former roommate’s boyfriend sexually assaulted me, and having my current roommate’s boyfriend here so often is giving me anxiety; however, I’m not comfortable sharing this information when my roommate pesters me to explain why I’m uncomfortable. I don’t feel as though I should have to justify myself. Our lease says guests are allowed for two weeks at a time. I brought this up, and she made a comment about how he could leave for a few days and come back for two weeks. Am I wrong for thinking guests shouldn’t be left unattended when you’re sharing your living space? Is there a way to enforce her boyfriend not being here unless she is?

—Roommates Only, Please

Re: Your roommate is being awful.

  • The roommate is super out of line leaving him there, especially after LW said something about it. It’s one thing to have guests when the roommate is there, but he’s no longer a guest when she’s out. He needs to leave when the roommate leaves. If the roommate doesn’t budge LW should look into getting out of the lease because clearly the roommate has very little respect for them. 
    OurWildKingdom
  • This sounds like the roommate is a jerk.   I don't know what legal recourse she has like saying, "Look your guest is here and you're not.   If he hangs out for hours like this I'm calling the cops".

    But honestly - this is why I think some people should not have roommates.  It's a pain and it's costly but what can LW do?  If roommate won't budge and she can't force this guy out then it may be time for one or both to find new places. 
    ShesSoColdOurWildKingdom
  • I'm also all askance at a guest willing to stay in anyone's living place when the person you're a guest of isn't there and the roommate is.  I get there are special circumstances, etc., but generally I find it uncomfortable.

    He needs to get out when his GF isn't there, it's really that simple.  And she shouldn't have to explain why.  Doesn't he live someplace else?!  GO HOME.
    STARMOON44charlotte989875eileenrobOliveOilsMom
  • VarunaTT said:
    I'm also all askance at a guest willing to stay in anyone's living place when the person you're a guest of isn't there and the roommate is.  I get there are special circumstances, etc., but generally I find it uncomfortable.

    He needs to get out when his GF isn't there, it's really that simple.  And she shouldn't have to explain why.  Doesn't he live someplace else?!  GO HOME.
    Yesssss. Like, maybe some incidental time here and there but 10 hour days?!? 
    charlotte989875MesmrEwe
  • VarunaTT said:
    I'm also all askance at a guest willing to stay in anyone's living place when the person you're a guest of isn't there and the roommate is.  I get there are special circumstances, etc., but generally I find it uncomfortable.

    He needs to get out when his GF isn't there, it's really that simple.  And she shouldn't have to explain why.  Doesn't he live someplace else?!  GO HOME.
    Yesssss. Like, maybe some incidental time here and there but 10 hour days?!? 
    Totally agree.   But can anyone actually MAKE him? 
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    I've had a lot of roommates in my day, and this would never have flown with me or with any of the roommates. I remember one GF who started staying 30 minutes to get ready after roommate left, which morphed into an hour and then sometimes 3 hours. I put my foot down on that pretty quick, and roomy agreed that it was wrong. 

    I don't understand how roommate thinks this is reasonable or that LW should have to justify not wanting a stranger in their home for hours on end. Sounds like it's time for a new roommate, and a conversation about reasonable ground rules at the outset. 
    eileenrobbanana468
  • When I lived in the Netherlands, I had a roommate and my now husband came to visit for two weeks.  I remember I had class one afternoon, and I'm pretty sure I left him alone in my room for a few hours ... but I'm pretty sure my roommate was also off at class.  But even for that short time, it felt weird to me.  It's just odd to have a guest at your place without you being there if you have roommates.  
    imageimage
    MesmrEwe
  • I mentioned this before (I think in that Prudie where the roommates mom flipped out on the LW who took the hour-long bath) but my roommates and I had a written agreement (like literally a typed Word document, nothing official, but still) with a handful of house rules.  One was a house guest can’t be in the apt if the host wasn’t home.  It was a huge help bc we lived in a touristy area (pre-AirBnB).  I share this tip with my younger cousins as they graduate from college.  I know it’s too late to share it with LW, so to him/her I just say have a firm conversation with your roommate.  Mention your discomfort.  I absolutely wouldn’t be okay with spending ten hours in my home with a stranger.
     Like @banana468 I wonder if LW can legally enforce it, especially with the “guests can stay for two weeks” rule. Maybe if the roommate is a jerk about it, LW can write about it to mgmt and ask for a more clear definition of guest.  Mgmt would probably consider the bf a third roommate if he stays for two weeks, leaves for a day, does another two weeks, etc.  Just a thought.
    OliveOilsMomMesmrEwe
  • banana468 said:
    This sounds like the roommate is a jerk.   I don't know what legal recourse she has like saying, "Look your guest is here and you're not.   If he hangs out for hours like this I'm calling the cops".

    But honestly - this is why I think some people should not have roommates.  It's a pain and it's costly but what can LW do?  If roommate won't budge and she can't force this guy out then it may be time for one or both to find new places. 

    The LW needs to have another CTJ talk with the roommate and be firm with what is/isn't allowed with overnight guests.  If they're on a month-to-month lease, this would hold more weight because the LW could threaten to give a 30-day notice and move out, if the problem isn't solved.

    But legally? I don't think the LW has any cause to call the cops.  The b/f is a guest of someone who lives there.  Ergo, he isn't trespassing.

    The LW could contact the landlord (LL).  But the 2-week thing is a lease protection for the LL, not the tenants.  And the LL can choose to not enforce it, if they wish.  Especially since it sounds like the language they used in the lease is sloppy.  For example, my leases include a clause that my tenants cannot have a guest in their unit for more than 7 consecutive days within a 30-day period.

    But to follow that along for anyone interested.  The LL, if they chose, could post a 30-Day Cure or Quit Notice (number of days may vary by region).  With words to the effect that the tenants need to stop having overnight guests for more than 14 days in a row or they are going to be evicted.  And there's the rub.  BOTH the LW and her roommate would be evicted if the violation continued, if it went that far, because they are both on the lease.

    With all that said, the best the LW can hope for is (maybe) the LL will call the roommate and remind them that guests are not allowed to be there for X period of time.  It's fairly unusual for a LL to go to all the trouble of an eviction for extra people living there.  For one, it's hard to prove there are unauthorized people living in a unit.  The LL is usually more likely to either live with it, non-renew a lease, or give a 30-Day Notice to Vacate (when a month-to-month). 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    banana468
  • banana468 said:
    This sounds like the roommate is a jerk.   I don't know what legal recourse she has like saying, "Look your guest is here and you're not.   If he hangs out for hours like this I'm calling the cops".

    But honestly - this is why I think some people should not have roommates.  It's a pain and it's costly but what can LW do?  If roommate won't budge and she can't force this guy out then it may be time for one or both to find new places. 

    The LW needs to have another CTJ talk with the roommate and be firm with what is/isn't allowed with overnight guests.  If they're on a month-to-month lease, this would hold more weight because the LW could threaten to give a 30-day notice and move out, if the problem isn't solved.

    But legally? I don't think the LW has any cause to call the cops.  The b/f is a guest of someone who lives there.  Ergo, he isn't trespassing.

    The LW could contact the landlord (LL).  But the 2-week thing is a lease protection for the LL, not the tenants.  And the LL can choose to not enforce it, if they wish.  Especially since it sounds like the language they used in the lease is sloppy.  For example, my leases include a clause that my tenants cannot have a guest in their unit for more than 7 consecutive days within a 30-day period.

    But to follow that along for anyone interested.  The LL, if they chose, could post a 30-Day Cure or Quit Notice (number of days may vary by region).  With words to the effect that the tenants need to stop having overnight guests for more than 14 days in a row or they are going to be evicted.  And there's the rub.  BOTH the LW and her roommate would be evicted if the violation continued, if it went that far, because they are both on the lease.

    With all that said, the best the LW can hope for is (maybe) the LL will call the roommate and remind them that guests are not allowed to be there for X period of time.  It's fairly unusual for a LL to go to all the trouble of an eviction for extra people living there.  For one, it's hard to prove there are unauthorized people living in a unit.  The LL is usually more likely to either live with it, non-renew a lease, or give a 30-Day Notice to Vacate (when a month-to-month). 

    That's why I'm more in camp of "Find new situation" rather than force people to accommodate.

    I'm truly sympathetic to LW.  It's shitty what this guy is doing.   But if she has no real recourse then this may be a life lesson.
  • Roommate is a jerk - especially if they know LW's history of being raped by her previous roommate's BF.. I'm fine with having a talk with the BF in this case to say "Dude - you're triggering major issues, I know you're not that person, but when she's not here, you have to go back to your place!"...

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    OurWildKingdom
  • MesmrEwe said:
    Roommate is a jerk - especially if they know LW's history of being raped by her previous roommate's BF.. I'm fine with having a talk with the BF in this case to say "Dude - you're triggering major issues, I know you're not that person, but when she's not here, you have to go back to your place!"...


    The LW mentioned that the roommate does not know about her previous sexual assault and it isn't something she wants to share with her.  But I hear you, it would be even more outrageous if the roommate knew.  It's outrageous enough the roommate isn't respecting the LW's reasonable wishes.
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    MesmrEwe
  • MesmrEwe said:
    Roommate is a jerk - especially if they know LW's history of being raped by her previous roommate's BF.. I'm fine with having a talk with the BF in this case to say "Dude - you're triggering major issues, I know you're not that person, but when she's not here, you have to go back to your place!"...


    The LW mentioned that the roommate does not know about her previous sexual assault and it isn't something she wants to share with her.  But I hear you, it would be even more outrageous if the roommate knew.  It's outrageous enough the roommate isn't respecting the LW's reasonable wishes.
    Again, all the more reason to find a new roommate.  This is a situation where they are less and less compatible. 
    MesmrEwe
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