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Wedding Woes

It is none of your business unless he wants to tell you.

Dear Prudence,

I (a straight woman) met a nice guy, and he’s bisexual. In a sort of reversal of a letter you answered last week, I’m fine with this. Maybe a little too fine? I find myself wanting to know more about my boyfriend’s sexual history with men, because I truly think that’s hot, but I don’t want to fetishize him at all. I think maybe it’s none of my business, but he has shared a bit. I know if I heard of a straight man plying his bisexual girlfriend for stories, I’d think it was gross. Am I on the verge of being exploitative? Should I keep quiet, or is there a way to let him know he can share this with me?

—New Boyfriend’s Sexuality

Re: It is none of your business unless he wants to tell you.

  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Yes, you are fetishizing him. This is none of your business. If he wants to share, he’ll share. 


    image
    eileenrobOliveOilsMomOurWildKingdom
  •  I know how many women H slept with before me and that he was STD-free, but I don’t know any details.  LW should ask herself if she’d want to know what she currently wants to know if her bf was straight.  If the answer is no, I agree that she’s fetishizing.
    As far as being exploitative- what’s the bf’s response/comfort level to her questions?  If he’s shutting down I think he feels expoitated, if he loves to share every detail maybe he doesn’t?  Although if LW can’t read him she should ask.
    charlotte989875OliveOilsMomOurWildKingdomernursej
  • I think if you wouldn’t ask if your boyfriend was, you shouldn’t ask if he’s bi. 

    If he wants to talk, cool, do you. But I think continuing to bring it up and ask questions is bound to make him feel uncomfortable, used, bad, whatever. 
    OurWildKingdom
  • Oh Green Goddess on a cracker, open your mouth and use your words.  Just flat out tell him the details get you hot, he might get turned telling you the details. Win win.  If you can't handle talking openly about sex with your PARTNER you shouldn't be having sex at all.

    OurWildKingdomdowntondiva
  • Oh Green Goddess on a cracker, open your mouth and use your words.  Just flat out tell him the details get you hot, he might get turned telling you the details. Win win.  If you can't handle talking openly about sex with your PARTNER you shouldn't be having sex at all.
    I mean sure, but lots of people (women especially!) are socialized into not talking about sex, not asking for they want out of sex. But also really “you shouldn’t be having sex” if you can’t talk openly about it? Yeah then no one would have one night stands. Let’s not get shamey about that. 
    eileenrob
  • drunkenwitchdrunkenwitch
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    edited February 7
    Oh Green Goddess on a cracker, open your mouth and use your words.  Just flat out tell him the details get you hot, he might get turned telling you the details. Win win.  If you can't handle talking openly about sex with your PARTNER you shouldn't be having sex at all.
    I mean sure, but lots of people (women especially!) are socialized into not talking about sex, not asking for they want out of sex. But also really “you shouldn’t be having sex” if you can’t talk openly about it? Yeah then no one would have one night stands. Let’s not get shamey about that. 
    With your partner.  If you can't talk about sex with the person you are in a relationship with, then you should do some deep reflection.  

    ETA, you also need to be able to talk about sex with one night stands.  How is someone going to know what you like if you don't tell them?  

    STARMOON44OurWildKingdom
  • Oh Green Goddess on a cracker, open your mouth and use your words.  Just flat out tell him the details get you hot, he might get turned telling you the details. Win win.  If you can't handle talking openly about sex with your PARTNER you shouldn't be having sex at all.
    I mean sure, but lots of people (women especially!) are socialized into not talking about sex, not asking for they want out of sex. But also really “you shouldn’t be having sex” if you can’t talk openly about it? Yeah then no one would have one night stands. Let’s not get shamey about that. 
    With your partner.  If you can't talk about sex with the person you are in a relationship with, then you should do some deep reflection.  

    ETA, you also need to be able to talk about sex with one night stands.  How is someone going to know what you like if you don't tell them?  
    LW isn’t asking Prudie for tips on how to tell her bf what she likes in bed though.  She’s asking if she’s being exploitative/nosy/“gross” (her word not mine) by asking to hear details about his prior sex life.  Two different things.  I hate to keep using my poor H who’s as private as they come as an example, but I’m able to tell him what feels good when we’re getting down.  He does NOT want to hear about what used to feel good with the guys before him.  It’s two different things, what LW is asking and your view.
    charlotte989875cupcait927OurWildKingdom
  • I mean...new BF, yeah no.  But if this is a year + long relationship and she thinks it's hot?  Dirty talk is dirty talk, as long as he is okay with it.  If he's not, she'll have to find something else.
    ShesSoColdcharlotte989875short+sassyOurWildKingdom
  • Oh Green Goddess on a cracker, open your mouth and use your words.  Just flat out tell him the details get you hot, he might get turned telling you the details. Win win.  If you can't handle talking openly about sex with your PARTNER you shouldn't be having sex at all.
    I mean sure, but lots of people (women especially!) are socialized into not talking about sex, not asking for they want out of sex. But also really “you shouldn’t be having sex” if you can’t talk openly about it? Yeah then no one would have one night stands. Let’s not get shamey about that. 
    With your partner.  If you can't talk about sex with the person you are in a relationship with, then you should do some deep reflection.  

    ETA, you also need to be able to talk about sex with one night stands.  How is someone going to know what you like if you don't tell them?  
    Except also the thing she wants is particular details about her partners past sex life. I’m all about people asking for what they want, but in this case she’s asking for information personal to her partner. 

    My comment was more about the “you shouldn’t be having sex part”; I just find that pretty judgy. Yes, everyone should be able to talk about sex! We all
    should be comfortable to do that. But if you’re not it doesn’t mean you don’t get to have sex. That’s just, I don’t know, condescending IMO. 
  • I actually don't see a problem with mentioning this to her b/f, as long as it's done lightly and she pays attention to his reaction.  If he says/seems uncomfortable, respect that, and keep it a dropped subject.  Maybe he'd be into it.  Maybe he'd be neutral, but is game for telling her stories because she likes it.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    OurWildKingdomdowntondiva
  • I can see LW mentioning that it turns her on to hear past experiences but she would need to drop it if he reacted negatively to it. In a new relationship, people are still figuring these things out, it tends to be trial and error. 
  • edited February 8
    Maybe she should read/watch some porn? 

    I say that a bit flippantly, but a bit serisouly. Sure she can ask him, but if she’s already feeling like it’s exploitative, then I think she needs to think on that. She said if genders were reversed she’d think it was gross, so why would it be okay now? 

    He did share and if he wants to share more absolutely let him, but I think prying for details (about any partners sexual past) is wrong. 
    mrsconn23MyNameIsNotOurWildKingdom
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