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Wedding Woes

Am I getting to know people wrong?

Dear Prudence,

I recently went on three dates with a woman. The first two went fairly well, and after the second she texted me, saying she’d wanted to kiss me but didn’t have a read on me. I told her I’d like to go slow. After the third date, I felt sure I was not attracted to her after she claimed that the moon landing never happened. But I felt disappointed that I didn’t feel any attraction at all, even before she dropped that bomb. Is there something wrong with me if I’ve never wanted to kiss on a third date? For the record, I’m a woman who used to date men. But this is how it always went with them, too. I don’t like online dating, and for me attraction tends to emerge after being around a person for a while, but is that creepy? It seems like you just have to either immediately be attracted or you don’t get to be. And I have work and monthly social groups, and I’m new in this area. So I don’t know how I’d do it otherwise. I’m so confused! Why do all these online dates make me want to run away as soon as the idea of kissing (or more) seems imminent? Should I just accept being alone forever? It’s been over 10 years since I was actually involved with anyone, and I’m only 31!

—Waiting for Attraction to Kick In


Re: Am I getting to know people wrong?

  • I don’t think there is anything wrong with waiting for attraction to kick in, but maybe romantic dates and online dating  aren’t the right way to go about it for LW. If you need to get to know people first, try joining additional social groups and meeting up. If there are people in those groups maybe grab dinner/go out and do something in even smaller groups to see if you feel anything for anyone. 

    I do not think anyone should feel rushed or pressured to get physical ever, anywhere, anytime. The sad thing though is that a lot of dating culture (from what I remember and hear from my friends) is more rushed that LW is comfortable. 
    OurWildKingdom
  • Yeah - I think you can try to figure things out slowly.   Hell, I knew DH for 5 years before we dated.   But you need to see if any kind of friendship is developing.
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    At first, I read this letter like a humble-brag and like she was trying to judge other people but wording it like concern. Like she was trying to be all, "Oh, teeheehee am I weird for not sleeping with everyone immediately like my friends?". 

    But the more I read, the more I can see what she means and how a lot of relationships seem to be love at first sight, which would make me wonder if I was weird too. I hope Prudie responded by telling LW that everyone moves at different paces and feels attraction differently so there's nothing wrong with her. And suggested joining meetup groups or something that isn't dating-specific where she can meet people and then possibly build a friendship that could lead to a relationship.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    charlotte989875CasadenaOurWildKingdomOliveOilsMom
  • I agree that it seems like the LW would do much better to get to know someone over time in a group and/or friendship setting.

    Though, funny enough, I'm exactly the opposite.  If I get to know someone as a friend, it's rare I'd ever be romantically attracted to them.  The two times I remember where it did happen, I was attracted to them when I met them, but one or both of us had an SO at the time.  So it stayed strictly friends and platonic.

    One of those guys, I did date after my previous b/f and I broke up for other reasons.  With the other guy, there was mutual attraction, but our being "single at the same time" stars never aligned, lol.
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    charlotte989875eileenrob
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    levioosa said:
    Oof. Once your date starts claiming conspiracy theories it’s all over. 

    I agree with PPs. 
    Yep. I don’t care how good the chemistry is at that point.
    charlotte989875downtondiva
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