Medicated mom

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
My older mother uses a lot of medication to help manage her chronic pain. Unfortunately, this means that often I find myself talking with a woman who is under the influence. These phone conversations are very upsetting to me, as I often feel I’m talking with someone who is either losing her mind or cruel. I’ve asked her to not call me when she is under the influence, but still once a month I get a call from her while she’s high on Vicodin, Ambien, or medical marijuana. I don’t want her to be in pain, and in fact I’m a supporter of medical marijuana, but the medications have made it impossible for me to talk with her. A few nights ago, I hung up the phone in tears because of how she was acting. I asked her during the call if she was high and she said no, but in the light of day, I can tell that she was under the influence of something. How can I reconcile her need for pain management with my need to have a relationship with a sober individual?
—Drunk-Dialing Mom

STARMOON44

When she calls and is under the influence or mean , say “I gotta go talk soon bye” and hang up the phone. Before you get so upset. 

banana468

If she has chronic pain and uses these medications for her pain then are you saying you'd prefer your mom call you when she's in pain? 

LW needs to elaborate more and see if she is concerned with the dosing her mom is doing.   Other than that, if she cannot handle these calls then she needs to hang up.   

ShesSoCold

There's nothing in the letter that suggests that LW thinks their mom is abusing these medications, so I think LW just needs to get over this or learn what time of day is best to call her. If Mom calls LW and they can tell she's a little loopy, a quick "mom, I gotta go" before LW gets upset enough to cry shouldn't be a big deal. 

Your sensitivity to her slurred words are not more important that her managing her chronic pain (I really want to add "you selfish prick" but I don't know the whole story LOL).

short+sassy

The LW should make an excuse to get off the phone, if it is turning into a cruel/upsetting conversation.

Though I would also hope the LW is talking to and working with her mom and her mom's doctor.  Admittedly, I don't know much about pain management.  But, if her mother is often incoherent and/or has a changed hostile personality, maybe they need to try other medication combinations/dose size to find the right mix.  Of course, under the guidance of her mom's doctor.

OliveOilsMom

LW says they only talk to mom on the phone, so I'm assuming that mom lives far away.  But if possible, I think LW should try to attend some of the doctor appointments with mom, so that LW can describe to the doctor how mom is acting.  Mom should be able to be pain or manageably pain free and not have to slur words or act mean towards LW.  If that is not possible, LW should try to get the doctor's information and call their office.  LW can tell the doctor what is happening with mom, so that at least the doctor's know how mom is responding while on the medications.

I do hope this is not a situation where mom is seeing a pain management doctor and they just drug up their patients without working to find a suitable treatment plan for them.  A co-worker was very ready to divorce their spouse due to how the spouse acted while under a pain management doctor's care.  That doctor got the spouse addicted to various opioid medications.  Somehow, co-worker got through to their spouse about how they were acting and got them into a new pain management doctor's office/program.  New program stays away from opioids, but also manages the chronic pain.  The original doctor has since been indicted by the state and has lost their medical license.  Co-worker tried to contact the state to offer further evidence of the doctor's prescription practices, but it wasn't needed for the case they were pursuing.

charlotte989875

I agree that LW should be able to talk with their mother without mom being rude or cruel. 

But LW also isn’t entitled to attend Mom’s appointments, call Mom’s doctor to give or request information, or insert themselves into their mother’s medical care. She doesn’t say in the letter she’s worried Mom is addicted, or Mom is abusing the medication, or that Mom is being unsafe/is a danger to herself or others. IMO that’s the standard for calling someone else’s medical doctor to go around that person to discuss their care!

I’d be furipus if someone went to my physical to comment on my care. Mom has a right to treat her pain how her and her doctor deem appropriate and she has a right not to be treated like she isn’t managing her health.

I totally agree that LW doesn’t deserve any cruel/inappropriate language from anyone, and she should address that with her mother, or hang up when she calls and is medicated. 

short+sassy

OliveOilsMom said:

LW says they only talk to mom on the phone, so I'm assuming that mom lives far away.  But if possible, I think LW should try to attend some of the doctor appointments with mom, so that LW can describe to the doctor how mom is acting.  Mom should be able to be pain or manageably pain free and not have to slur words or act mean towards LW.  If that is not possible, LW should try to get the doctor's information and call their office.  LW can tell the doctor what is happening with mom, so that at least the doctor's know how mom is responding while on the medications.

I do hope this is not a situation where mom is seeing a pain management doctor and they just drug up their patients without working to find a suitable treatment plan for them.  A co-worker was very ready to divorce their spouse due to how the spouse acted while under a pain management doctor's care.  That doctor got the spouse addicted to various opioid medications.  Somehow, co-worker got through to their spouse about how they were acting and got them into a new pain management doctor's office/program.  New program stays away from opioids, but also manages the chronic pain.  The original doctor has since been indicted by the state and has lost their medical license.  Co-worker tried to contact the state to offer further evidence of the doctor's prescription practices, but it wasn't needed for the case they were pursuing.

Wow!  That's a compelling story.

We had a similar incident last year in my area.  The doctor was basically just selling Oxycontin prescriptions.  I think her office was usually open 7 days/week and late into the night.  She was taking amphetamines herself to keep up the pace.  She even hired off-duty police officers for security!

My H and I had passed by her office a few times late at night (it was on a main strip) and had wondered why a doctor's office was open so late with a line of people out the door.  We assumed it must be an after-care ERish type of place.  Apparently we were way wrong and way naïve! 

Edited to add:  She's now in prison and has lost her medical license.  But, even with how blatant she was, it still took a 2-year investigation before authorities felt they had enough evidence to arrest her.

short+sassy

charlotte989875 said:

I agree that LW should be able to talk with their mother without mom being rude or cruel. 

But LW also isn’t entitled to attend Mom’s appointments, call Mom’s doctor to give or request information, or insert themselves into their mother’s medical care. She doesn’t say in the letter she’s worried Mom is addicted, or Mom is abusing the medication, or that Mom is being unsafe/is a danger to herself or others. IMO that’s the standard for calling someone else’s medical doctor to go around that person to discuss their care!

I’d be furipus if someone went to my physical to comment on my care. Mom has a right to treat her pain how her and her doctor deem appropriate and she has a right not to be treated like she isn’t managing her health.

I totally agree that LW doesn’t deserve any cruel/inappropriate language from anyone, and she should address that with her mother, or hang up when she calls and is medicated. 

Definitely agree!  I was assuming a scenario where the mother is compliant and would welcome her adult child's help in working with the doctor to hopefully find better solutions.

charlotte989875

short+sassy said:

charlotte989875 said:

I agree that LW should be able to talk with their mother without mom being rude or cruel. 

But LW also isn’t entitled to attend Mom’s appointments, call Mom’s doctor to give or request information, or insert themselves into their mother’s medical care. She doesn’t say in the letter she’s worried Mom is addicted, or Mom is abusing the medication, or that Mom is being unsafe/is a danger to herself or others. IMO that’s the standard for calling someone else’s medical doctor to go around that person to discuss their care!

I’d be furipus if someone went to my physical to comment on my care. Mom has a right to treat her pain how her and her doctor deem appropriate and she has a right not to be treated like she isn’t managing her health.

I totally agree that LW doesn’t deserve any cruel/inappropriate language from anyone, and she should address that with her mother, or hang up when she calls and is medicated. 

Definitely agree!  I was assuming a scenario where the mother is compliant and would welcome her adult child's help in working with the doctor to hopefully find better solutions.

Not to be nit-picky but “complaint” assumes there’s a way mom should be acting here. Chronic pain patients are often in constant, horrible pain. There are some side effects of treating that, and this might be one of them. LW absolutely has a right not to be insulted/hurt, but maybe there aren’t better solutions? 

Maybe it it would be best for LW and Mom to speak during certain times of the day when Mom’s pain is lessened and she hasn’t taken certain medication? Or they agree to chat only on certain days when Mom’s schedule is lighter and she’s less likely to need a lot of meds? And if Mom calls outside of that, or the effects of the drugs are impacting her significantly LW says “Mom we agreed to talk at x time and I have to go” or LW doesn’t answer and only calls back if there’s an emergency/a problem. 

OliveOilsMom

charlotte989875 said:

I agree that LW should be able to talk with their mother without mom being rude or cruel. 

But LW also isn’t entitled to attend Mom’s appointments, call Mom’s doctor to give or request information, or insert themselves into their mother’s medical care. She doesn’t say in the letter she’s worried Mom is addicted, or Mom is abusing the medication, or that Mom is being unsafe/is a danger to herself or others. IMO that’s the standard for calling someone else’s medical doctor to go around that person to discuss their care!

I’d be furipus if someone went to my physical to comment on my care. Mom has a right to treat her pain how her and her doctor deem appropriate and she has a right not to be treated like she isn’t managing her health.

I totally agree that LW doesn’t deserve any cruel/inappropriate language from anyone, and she should address that with her mother, or hang up when she calls and is medicated. 

As an immediate family member, I think LW can call to report issues to a doctor.  We have mentioned before when its related to cognitive issues or mental issues.  Call the doctor and give them a heads up about issues you are seeing.  I think substance abuse of prescription medication should also be included.  Also, the doctor should not be discussing anything with LW or anyone else unless the patient says its ok.  But the doctor should take under consideration information gathered from a close relative.  Doctors only see a snippet of the patient and if the patient glosses over everything when they go in, how will they know to try something else or get a test done?

Managing chronic pain is a balancing act of medications.  But I don't think the purpose should ever be to have the person so drugged up that they are slurring words or having no filter and saying things that would never typically be spoken.  Which is why I think LW needs to try and speak with the doctor in some way.  As I mentioned above, not all pain management doctors (if that is the one who has prescribed everything) are good at what they do.

OurWildKingdom

I’m friends with several people who live with chronic pain, and I worked in home care for two years. It’s very difficult to treat chronic pain, and both pain and pain meds tend to have a negative effect on one’s mental state. It’s possible mom is overmedicated or on the wrong meds, but it’s more possible that LW needs to cut mom some slack.

maine7mob

It sounds like mom is overmedicated. I know many people who use Vicodin and or pot for pain management, and they don't sound "under the influence." I'd be very concerned that she is either abusing her medication, or the dose prescribed is too high. The OP can certainly contact her mom's doctor with her concerns. The doctor can't say anything to OP, but will take note of these concerns and can bring them up, if warranted, at mom's next appointment.

Prescription drug abuse and misuse is a huge problem among the elderly. If OP is noticing something like this, she should definitely report it. Her mom won't know, but it could save her life.