Set the boundary by not being around during this time.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My husband’s sister is going on a weeklong trip in the near future with her parents. She relies on her parents for child care for all her other vacations, but obviously that’s not an option this time. Instead, she is relying on help from friends and family to take care of her two elementary school–age children. She told my husband that he had to watch her kids for two days (with one overnight stay). He agreed, saying it was our contribution to this trip. However, he is working for the bulk of this time and immediately foisted the responsibility and time commitment upon me without asking.

I am not comfortable watching these kids for an extended period of time on my own, especially with one of them having some pretty troubling issues (he’s been violent at school, is prone to emotional outbursts, and has stolen important things—think credit cards and electronics—from classmates and family). I’ve had weeks to work through this with my husband. I’ve tried my best to get him to get it. I don’t like people promising my time for me. I don’t like how presumptuous his sister is. My husband is very sensitive about his nephew’s behavioral needs, to the point of making it off-limits discussion-wise. When I mention this whole snafu, my husband just tells me I’m being negative and I should want to help his family.

I am being negative about this snafu, but I kind of feel like that’s a reasonable response. If I promised his weekend away to watch my nieces and nephews, he’d likely refuse. The worst part of me wants to ask how I can get out of this. The better part of me wants to ask how I can gain peace with this situation. Mainly, though, how can I set firmer boundaries for myself and my time?

—Chagrined Babysitter

ShesSoCold

"Sorry, honey, I can't do it. You'll have to take PTO or tell your sister that you can't anymore". And stick to it. Leave the house.

Then a nice long conversation about time and demands and assumptions and all that. Nobody tells me what I'm doing with my time. Not to mention the sexist tone here of "oh well OBVIOUSLY the woman will care for the children".

banana468

Ugh.   What a pain.

This is a dick move.    This isn't OK and he did a jerk thing.   You can't make things "off limits" for dicussion within a marriage and then make that very topic a source of responsibility for the person. 

I'd probably tell my H that either he take the time off for this, acknowledge that it was a jerk thing to do and find a way to make it up to you or tell him that you'e going out of town while the nephew is in town and you'll return when he gets his head out of his ass. 

Sorry - but this if a far greater issue of the husband not respecting the wife and kowtowing to his sister and her demands rather than treat this marriage as a partnership.  

Tell Randall that he can take time and not drive to Philadelphia or in the future he can sleep in his office. 

mrsconn23

banana468 said:

Tell Randall that he can take time and not drive to Philadelphia or in the future he can sleep in his office. 

kvruns

Ditto on the Randall comment

mrsconn23

LW is trying to approach this situation like she's in a collaborative partnership.  But sadly, she's not.  Who has 'off limit' subjects in their marriage?  I mean, there's things to be sensitive about...but never being able to talk about something is ridiculous and unrealistic. 

So at this point, there's no way she can be around and not have this situation foisted upon her.  Therefore, she needs to fucking leave.  Go to her mom's, a friend's, a hotel...whatever.  But the only way she can be forced into this is if she allows it by staying. 

LW does need to accept that if she takes off, she cannot control what happens in her home while she's not there  (just thinking about the nephew with behavioral issues).  

OliveOilsMom

Ditto others.  Make yourself unavailable for the exact times that nephew needs to be in the house.

H also needs to be told that while he does not want to talk about nephews issues, you do and your feelings of being scared or uneasy around nephew needs to be taken seriously AND addressed by H.

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

LW is trying to approach this situation like she's in a collaborative partnership.  But sadly, she's not.  Who has 'off limit' subjects in their marriage?  I mean, there's things to be sensitive about...but never being able to talk about something is ridiculous and unrealistic. 

So at this point, there's no way she can be around and not have this situation foisted upon her.  Therefore, she needs to fucking leave.  Go to her mom's, a friend's, a hotel...whatever.  But the only way she can be forced into this is if she allows it by staying. 

LW does need to accept that if she takes off, she cannot control what happens in her home while she's not there  (just thinking about the nephew with behavioral issues).  

Exactly.  It's a total passive-aggressive maneuver but she can just say, "Sorry -I wish you DID ask me if I had plans because I do.   I'm booked.  The plans are made and you'll have to come up with a new system to ensure that this is all set." 

DH tiptoes when he asks me to make a dessert for his mom.   I'm SO thankful I've got a good one.

short+sassy

OliveOilsMom said:

Ditto others.  Make yourself unavailable for the exact times that nephew needs to be in the house.

H also needs to be told that while he does not want to talk about nephews issues, you do and your feelings of being scared or uneasy around nephew needs to be taken seriously AND addressed by H.

Ditto the PPs also.

And whatever the LW decides to do, if the nephew will be staying at the house at all, she needs to take ALL the valuables out of the house and store them elsewhere for the visit.

climbingsingle

Banana, you win for the Randall comment. 

banana468

climbingwife said:

Banana, you win for the Randall comment. 

I watched this week's episode last night.   Team Beth here. 

levioosa

This happened with FI’s sister’s cat last year (and I imagine it will 100% happen if she has kids). We heard through the family grapevine that we were watching her cat while she went on vacation. Like she straight told family members she was going to drop her cat off at our house at x date and time and then pick him up when she got back. I put a stop to that right away and had FI call her and tell her no. You don’t just tell people they’re in charge of your responsibilities. 

mrsconn23

banana468 said:

climbingwife said:

Banana, you win for the Randall comment. 

I watched this week's episode last night.   Team Beth here. 

I'm more team in the middle, but Randall is more problematic with his impulsive nature and expectations that Beth pull back from what she wants to do.  Also, her self-esteem has to be in a not-so-great place because she lost her that she'd had for a long time and in a shitty way.  Furthermore, Randall could have done a frillion other things than run for office in a town so far away..where he's not a resident and his family had already sacrificed to take in his dad and then a foster child (that was his idea).   

But those marriage arguments where you say unforgivable shit are what makes it all so palpable and easy to identify with, at least for me.  Especially since DH and I have put in a lot of hard work to pull ourselves out of a dark time in our marriage due to a lot of things (we are good and getting better every day, but not forgetting the darkness is important so we don't fall backward).  

ei34

What show am I not watching? 

flantastic

He agreed, saying it was our contribution to this trip.

...why on earth would contributing to their trip be your responsibility?

MesmrEwe

The kids should be going along on the trip - SNS...  The only way this will work is if LW/H are staying at the sister's house which is asking a lot.  Great week to book concerts the nights the kids are suppose to be there...

downtondiva

banana468 said:

climbingwife said:

Banana, you win for the Randall comment. 

I watched this week's episode last night.   Team Beth here. 

I'm mostly Team Beth, because I think it's ridiculous for Randall to be saying her new job is the problem when he's the one who chose to run for city council in a city that's more than 2 hours away (side note, does anyone else find it weird that he can be on the city council while not living in that city?). However, I didn't like what Beth said about Randall's anxiety attacks in the most recent episode. She lost me a little bit there.

kvruns

eileenrob said:

What show am I not watching? 

This is Us

kvruns

mrsconn23 said:

banana468 said:

climbingwife said:

Banana, you win for the Randall comment. 

I watched this week's episode last night.   Team Beth here. 

I'm more team in the middle, but Randall is more problematic with his impulsive nature and expectations that Beth pull back from what she wants to do.  Also, her self-esteem has to be in a not-so-great place because she lost her that she'd had for a long time and in a shitty way.  Furthermore, Randall could have done a frillion other things than run for office in a town so far away..where he's not a resident and his family had already sacrificed to take in his dad and then a foster child (that was his idea).   

But those marriage arguments where you say unforgivable shit are what makes it all so palpable and easy to identify with, at least for me.  Especially since DH and I have put in a lot of hard work to pull ourselves out of a dark time in our marriage due to a lot of things (we are good and getting better every day, but not forgetting the darkness is important so we don't fall backward).  

I'm also in the middle as they both are annoying me with this storyline. Randall and running for office, and especially once Beth told him she no longer supported the idea but he kept it up. I am happy Beth is revisiting an important part of her life with dance but I think the reality is if one parent is going to be gone that much the other one does need to have some flexibility - so while it sucks it falls on her, isn't there something during the day she could be doing. 

Not to mention Deja probably could do some babysitting for the girls if it is as simple as having someone home between the time Beth leaves and Randall gets home. And if a babysitter is too expensive to pay 

ei34

Thanks @kvruns and excellent point @flantastic!  

mrsconn23

flantastic said:

He agreed, saying it was our contribution to this trip.

...why on earth would contributing to their trip be your responsibility?

Yes.  That makes zero fucking sense.  

Unless they have a thing where they do childcare trading off with LW/her husband so they all can take 'adult' vacations.  But still, collaboration is key and LW's H is bad at it. 

But if it's like, "We all pitch in because FAAAMMMILLYYY", well that's some bullshit. 

banana468

Where I am in this is that the fight was poor and Beth really screwed this one up at the end.

But Randall often gets supported in his dreams and put his dreams (career, investments, etc.) as a priority with an expectation that others will help him.  He's not a bad guy.   But he also needs a reality check because it's appearing that he's not often used to not getting what he wants.   Clearly that flashback to the dance where a girl asked him there and he went to the library to study was one of the ways that they're foreshadowing how his overall behavior is to somehow forget about those that are with him. 

He's not a villain.   Neither of them are.   But in Randall's adult life the overall message has been that people work with him to help him succeed.  

He was completely surprised by the concept that his mom and Miguel would not watch the girls.   Yet the idea of buying that old apartment and then running for city council was something that the family supported as the latest dream when his NYC job wasn't what he wanted.   He gets both professional and emotional fulfillment in this.

Beth's tragic flaw here is her really long fuse.   I agree that she needs to compromise here.   But the general tone has been that Beth puts what she's wanting away.   She's done that since she was a teen.   Conversely Randall has had his family all around him helping rally around him to succeed in every new goal he sets.   Well, one of his goals needs to be to see that those around him need his support too.   And his support can't be one-off drives to pick up girls and getting to dance recitals barely on time.   

short+sassy

I haven't watched the latest episode, but I'm on Team Beth.  Deja is old enough to not need a babysitter at all and even help out with babysitting her younger sisters.  And even the middle sister is (I think) 12!  Also old enough, imho, to be home without parents for a few hours.

Plus, it's not like Beth's new job is even f/t.

I also side-eye that Randall was able to run for a city council seat in a place he doesn't even live in.  But then, this is the same show where a crockpot caused a fire.  Which has never happened in the 50+ year history of crockpots.  So I chalk it up to the fuzzy facts that movies and tv shows often live in, lol. 

VarunaTT

I'm Team Randall only b/c Beth signed up with him for this city council run and she's been continuously trying to back out on it.  (I admit this goes back to the queer storyline: IDK WTF Beth thinks she needs to do everyday for her daughter who might be queer except love and support her the same way she would for a straight child).  Even if she hadn't been fired, this was going to be a time issue no matter what and she was going to have to pick up slack.  I feel like neither one of them, in their own ways, really took the time to grasp the big picture of Randall winning before signing up for this.

However, I am a bit confused about what level of childcare they both seem to think they need.  Deja is old enough to be with the girls for a few hours a night and I don't feel like that's a terrible push of responsibility on her.  I'm sure there's after school programs at their schools.  That house is in a great neighborhood with all sorts of access and help available.  Those children don't need a FT nanny.  I get that the story needs drama, but this feels a bit forced. 

I think it would've been far more interesting if they had just let Beth do her dancing, work out the kids care, and just use the drama of Randall and Beth being away from the kids and each other all the time.  That would've been a real and hard story.  But I also think that everyone is always like #relationshipgoals with that particular couple and the writers want to introduce some "not so perfect" moments.

banana468

VarunaTT said:

I'm Team Randall only b/c Beth signed up with him for this city council run and she's been continuously trying to back out on it.  (I admit this goes back to the queer storyline: IDK WTF Beth thinks she needs to do everyday for her daughter who might be queer except love and support her the same way she would for a straight child).  Even if she hadn't been fired, this was going to be a time issue no matter what and she was going to have to pick up slack.  I feel like neither one of them, in their own ways, really took the time to grasp the big picture of Randall winning before signing up for this.

However, I am a bit confused about what level of childcare they both seem to think they need.  Deja is old enough to be with the girls for a few hours a night and I don't feel like that's a terrible push of responsibility on her.  I'm sure there's after school programs at their schools.  That house is in a great neighborhood with all sorts of access and help available.  Those children don't need a FT nanny.  I get that the story needs drama, but this feels a bit forced. 

I think it would've been far more interesting if they had just let Beth do her dancing, work out the kids care, and just use the drama of Randall and Beth being away from the kids and each other all the time.  That would've been a real and hard story.  But I also think that everyone is always like #relationshipgoals with that particular couple and the writers want to introduce some "not so perfect" moments.

Those are excellent points.   The kids are old enough that the reality is that they need before and aftercare with someone and a lot of schools offer this and/or childcare is available. 

They need someone to get them places but they should be able to deal with a couple hours a day without their parents unless constant parental presence is a new thing kids need that I didn't have in my teens. 

MyNameIsNot

short+sassy said:

I haven't watched the latest episode, but I'm on Team Beth.  Deja is old enough to not need a babysitter at all and even help out with babysitting her younger sisters.  And even the middle sister is (I think) 12!  Also old enough, imho, to be home without parents for a few hours.

Plus, it's not like Beth's new job is even f/t.

I also side-eye that Randall was able to run for a city council seat in a place he doesn't even live in.  But then, this is the same show where a crockpot caused a fire.  Which has never happened in the 50+ year history of crockpots.  So I chalk it up to the fuzzy facts that movies and tv shows often live in, lol. 

At 12 years old, I was baby-sitting other people's kids. I'm admittedly several episodes behind, but I don't understand this idea that young teens can't be left at home alone for a couple of hours in the afternoon. 

Still, I'm team Beth. Randall was really selfish about unilaterally quitting his job and the campaign up until where I left off. He kept telling Beth that he would quit the second she wasn't on board. Then when she wasn't, he went ahead anyway. He relies on Beth to support him through whatever he's going through all the time, but he forgets that she's a real human being too, not just his rock.