Wedding gifts not required... says who?

aurianna

So I know wedding gifts aren't required.

But suddenly I'm wondering how I know that.

The Emily Post Institute says this: "Every wedding invitation carries the obligation to give a gift."

If someone questions me on why I say gifts aren't required, I'm wondering what source I should site?

flantastic

gift noun

\ ˈgift  \

Definition of gift (Entry 1 of 3)

1 : a notable capacity, talent, or endowment

2 : something voluntarily transferred by one person to another without compensation

3 : the act, right, or power of giving

Once it's an obligation it's no longer voluntary? We're not required to "compensate" a couple for a) choosing to get married, b) choosing to put us on the invite list, c) hosting us in the way they should be anyway.

Of course many people love to celebrate by giving a gift, but obligation takes the "gift" out of it. Now it's a payment for the privilege of being invited.

banana468

So I take it as a dual concept:

-If you're hosting the event, you never expect a gift.

-If you're attending the event, you should give one.    The concept of "covering your plate" is absurd but the other end of the spectrum that "Gifts are given freely and I don't feel like it" is also poor form.

BUT because one doesn't enter into their wedding with the expectation of gifts you thank guest for joining you.   If you're attending a wedding, you send a gift at some point that is in as good taste and cost as you feel is appropriate. 

flantastic

I mainly take issue with "If you receive an invitation, you are obligated to send a gift."

We got invited to DH's second cousin's wedding. It legitimately took DH two days to figure out who the save the date was from because he's not seen the cousin in 5 years (also I've been with DH for 11 years and I don't think I've met him), never heard about the FI, and there were no last names on the thing.

I'm not going to make a point of sending them a gift. Maybe DH will, but I'm not. Just because they put us on some (presumably giant) invite list does not make me obligated to send something to these people I've never met and haven't even heard anything about from MIL, who loves to spread all the news of extended friends and family circles.

Now if we're going to a wedding, or we'd like to go but just can't swing it, then yeah I'm going to send a gift, even if a small one is all we can manage.

banana468

flantastic said:

I mainly take issue with "If you receive an invitation, you are obligated to send a gift."

We got invited to DH's second cousin's wedding. It legitimately took DH two days to figure out who the save the date was from because he's not seen the cousin in 5 years (also I've been with DH for 11 years and I don't think I've met him), never heard about the FI, and there were no last names on the thing.

I'm not going to make a point of sending them a gift. Maybe DH will, but I'm not. Just because they put us on some (presumably giant) invite list does not make me obligated to send something to these people I've never met and haven't even heard anything about from MIL, who loves to spread all the news of extended friends and family circles.

Now if we're going to a wedding, or we'd like to go but just can't swing it, then yeah I'm going to send a gift, even if a small one is all we can manage.

I completely agree with this.

Part of handling this is also knowing that you should be inviting people to your wedding who are your nearest and dearest friends and family and not looking to create a list of donations that you're soliciting like a benefactor list in a theater. 

So all of this involves that understanding too. 

MairePoppy

In my circle, gifts are usually $$ with a card, placed in the card box at the reception or registry gifts sent to the home. Boxed gifts aren't typically brought to weddings and there is no emphasis placed on gifts. There is no way to know who gave what or anything at all. 

In general, we were brought up to believe it is rude to expect gifts for any milestone. We invite guests to our parties because we want to enjoy their company. Any gifts are nice extras. At intimate parties, we were allowed to open the gifts. At weddings, gifts were not opened or highlighted. My etiquette authority is mom, grandma and my aunts. That said, none of those women would have attended a wedding without sending a generous gift and neither would I. 

ILoveBeachMusic

I don't think you are obligated to send a gift if you are invited to a wedding, but I do think you should send a gift if you attend a wedding. Of course, you may send a gift if you don't attend or even if you aren't invited - both DD and DS had that happen, sometimes people are just very happy for the couple and want to send them a gift even if they aren't invited. As for my source, I'm going with @MairePoppy, the women in my family!

mariakatriona

But did Emily Post ever say that?  The Emily Post Institute is crap.  The relatives who took over after her death are in it for the cash flow, not an interest in etiquette.

MairePoppy

mariakatriona said:

But did Emily Post ever say that?  The Emily Post Institute is crap.  The relatives who took over after her death are in it for the cash flow, not an interest in etiquette.

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So true.

MobKaz

ILoveBeachMusic said:

I don't think you are obligated to send a gift if you are invited to a wedding, but I do think you should send a gift if you attend a wedding. Of course, you may send a gift if you don't attend or even if you aren't invited - both DD and DS had that happen, sometimes people are just very happy for the couple and want to send them a gift even if they aren't invited. As for my source, I'm going with @MairePoppy, the women in my family!

I frequently do this as well.  I love gifting, particularly when unexpected and/or unnecessary.  I also agree that I follow traditional family protocols.  If I attend something I will gift every time.  However, depending on the circumstances of the invitation, I may opt out of gifting for events I do not attend.

banana468

See, I was always taught to send a gift if you're invited even if you're not attending.

But I'm also taught to not have my hand out and be appropriate. 

So I didn't invite people to my wedding that weren't close to DH and me or to our parents.   

If I received the invitation to a wedding for my mom's first cousin's daughter's son then well of course I wouldn't send a gift.  

short+sassy

Unless there are extenuating circumstances, I generally do think it's a bit rude for a guest to attend a wedding and not bring a gift.  It doesn't need to be major.  It doesn't need to be expensive.  It can even be homemade.  But it needs to be something.

Though for my own wedding, I appreciated the gifts that were given, but my goal was for people to come and have fun.  I was not concerned and did not side-eye anyone that did not bring me a gift. 

I don't think people are obligated to give a gift at all, if they are not attending the wedding.  However, I certainly understand why people do and it's a very nice gesture. 

ILoveBeachMusic

banana468 said:

See, I was always taught to send a gift if you're invited even if you're not attending.

But I'm also taught to not have my hand out and be appropriate. 

So I didn't invite people to my wedding that weren't close to DH and me or to our parents.   

If I received the invitation to a wedding for my mom's first cousin's daughter's son then well of course I wouldn't send a gift. 

SITB

That is why I said obligated. I don't think I have ever been invited to a wedding and not sent a gift. However, I have heard of people who invited just about everyone they know to their wedding even if they weren't particularly close. Like you said, in that case I wouldn't feel like I had to send a gift. A fairly close family member, family friend or personal friend, you bet I send a gift!

ShesSoCold

ILoveBeachMusic said:

banana468 said:

See, I was always taught to send a gift if you're invited even if you're not attending.

But I'm also taught to not have my hand out and be appropriate. 

So I didn't invite people to my wedding that weren't close to DH and me or to our parents.   

If I received the invitation to a wedding for my mom's first cousin's daughter's son then well of course I wouldn't send a gift. 

SITB

That is why I said obligated. I don't think I have ever been invited to a wedding and not sent a gift. However, I have heard of people who invited just about everyone they know to their wedding even if they weren't particularly close. Like you said, in that case I wouldn't feel like I had to send a gift. A fairly close family member, family friend or personal friend, you bet I send a gift!

The only time I've ever not sent a gift was one of these situations.

A few days after my mom was diagnosed with cancer, we got an invitation for H's cousin's wedding, out of state and like 8 days away. It was long passed the RSVP date and had a hand-written note like "let us know whenever you can!". 

Not sure why my MIL felt the need to tell her sister/nephew to send us a sympathy invite/obvious B list (let alone what my mom's illness has to do with someone else's wedding) but we declined to attend and declined to send a gift.