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You may need to give Otis some time and distance?

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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in Wedding Woes
Dear Prudence,

I have borderline personality disorder, and while it’s usually well-managed, extreme stress in my life has exacerbated my problems over the past few months. My best friend, “Otis,” was initially supportive, so I reached out to him three or four times over a period of six weeks when I was having a hard time. We see each other socially almost every day; however, things started to feel weird between us, so I asked if we could talk. His response was that he wanted distance from my mental health problems. I told him I completely understood and that not talking to him about my problems was something I can definitely do. I still wanted to talk to Otis about our friendship, but he told me the problems in our friendship are just my mental health problems, and once I fix them, our friendship will be fine. Prudie, I’m devastated. I don’t think my BPD makes me incapable of having close, stable friendships. I clearly messed up, but I want to listen to Otis and fix things between us. How can I do this if he’s not even open to having a conversation about it? I really love Otis, and I’ve been so upset that I’ve been avoiding seeing him, which obviously doesn’t help.

—Friendship Trouble
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Re: You may need to give Otis some time and distance?

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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
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    I feel so bad for LW.  Its not really spelled out in the letter, but does LW know exactly how their BPD is effecting their friendship?  If the answer is no, I think LW needs to speak with Otis again.  Say they are willing to work on themselves (if true) to keep the BPD issues from effecting their friendship, but they aren't sure what the exact problems Otis is having issues with.  Hoepfully Otis would be forth coming to LW.

    If LW does know the specific issues effecting their friendship and LW wants to work on them.  S/He can work on them and take some time off from the friendship.  When LW feels like they worked on the issues and they have improved, reach back out to Otis and pick up the friendship.

    It might help LW to have a therapist or a professional of some kind to speak to about any issues they are facing with their BPD.  I still think LW needs someone to speak to about issues, since Otis is not wanting to do it anymore.  Having a neutral party may help LW tremendously.

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    VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    I have a lot of sympathy for LW and Otis, really.  K has a BPD diagnosis and there are times it's really hard to handle/deal with.  But LW has to concentrate on letting it go and getting themselves back into line.  Maybe Otis is being truthful, maybe he's not, but LW is going to have to let the chips fall where they may. 

    I can see some things in the letter that I would consider red flags for a flare up too, but not knowing the entire situation, I can't tell.
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    ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
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    Oh man. I feel bad for them both. LW needs a friend and Otis needs space and not to he his friend's therapist and both are totally valid. 

    I agree with PPs. LW should work with their therapist to not only help with the stress and issues over the last few months, but also to help navigate this friendship and how not to overwhelm friends. LW should also definitely give Otis his space. 

    It's rare that no one is "at fault" in a Dear Prudie letter! I always want to be blaming someone.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
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    STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    If you want to listen to Otis, respect that he’s asking for space from you. 
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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    VarunaTT said:
    STARMOON44 said:
    If you want to listen to Otis, respect that he’s asking for space from you. 
    For a person with BPD, that is really hard.  One of the red flags in the OP, to me, is, "devastated....messed up...love Otis," line.  First, they tend to see things in absolutes, literally everything is good or everything is bad, there's no grey area.  Second and related, they tend to put the people they love on a pedestal or in the ditch.  Third, when they think of themselves, it's in absolutes too, and it's usually that they are total failures.  ETA:  I forgot there's also a fear of abandonment, which then feeds into the entire "I'm trash" thinking. 

    Which is why I have sympathy for both of the people here...Otis is probably somewhat exhausted by this and LW's brain is doing what LW's brain does and they probably can't even see it right now.  The onus is on LW to take care of it still, but it's not a lack of respect that's causing the issue.

    I'm a nerd, so I had asked K to have their therapist recommend something for me to read.  It was eye-opening for me and really made me realize some of the things that happen in K's mind, as well as what a BPD dx really is (it's actually a collection of diagnoses that the person exhibits a certain number to get the BPD dx). I can't say I'm perfect at handling it all, b/c it can be exhausting and I'm human too, but it has given me some tools I need. It doesn't sound like Otis and LW have that level of relationship and Otis might not want it.
    This is so helpful, and thoughtful, I really appreciate you sharing. 
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